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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

287 replies

Eternalconfusion · 03/05/2020 01:07

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

OP posts:
roarfeckingroar · 03/05/2020 11:47

I think there are two types of paedophile. Some have the urges and it is their innate sexuality. The others want to hurt and abuse power.

The former should have access to therapies to help them to not act on their urges. The latter are probably a risk to women as well as kids across the bar.

Acting on urges whether it be preying on a child or viewing child abuse images is unforgivable.

CarolefeckinBaskin · 03/05/2020 11:48

Grr Bold fail sorry!

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 11:49

When it came to parole board he was chastised for being honest about his sexual thoughts and told that his diary should reflect a change in sexual thinking.
He was incredulous at the fact that the board seemingly actively promoted him lying about his tendencies in order tto obtain release.

So fked up and frightening.

differentnameforthis · 03/05/2020 11:54

@madcatladyforever for God's sake get your kids away from him and take a long, hard look at how you put them in this situation.

Op hasn't put her kids in any situation, considering that she had never introduced them to him. Perhaps be a little less judgemental eh?

@TenShortStories Why is he thinking about this and then voicing it to a woman with children (when he has none)?

My thinking would be that he said it to test the waters.

1Wildheartsease · 03/05/2020 11:56

As people have said on here - his argument (that people can't choose what they find attractive) isn't all wrong.

To take up his argument:
It is utterly wrong to compare padeophilia and homosexuality; this is an old homophobic view -seeing attraction to the same sex as a perversion and ignoring the whole matter of consent.

Paedophilia is a perversion. It is comparable to sexual-attraction to animals (since they also cannot ever consent).

It can never be accepted as natural and dealing with it is the responsibility of the individual who feels the attraction - just as attraction to someone else's diamonds/fast-cars doesn't excuse the theft of these things. Paedophiles who act are abusers not victims of their natures.

On your reaction to him:
You listened to his argument - as a sympathetic human being would - but clearly felt uncomfortable about something. (Luckily, some part of your mind kept working on it after you left the subject.)

You were at first reacting to what he said but then later to what he meant.

You were right.

It isn't the argument that is most worrying, it is his introduction of it to you - a single mother with a history of abuse- in this 'random' way.

The fact that he says he does this to others shows that it is not random; it is deliberate. This makes it much less innocent and likely not merely an intellectual matter to him.

Your instincts on this are sound.

Well done on getting back your balance through all your hard work with the freedom prog - and on protecting your children so effectively.

HelloItsmeAgain1 · 03/05/2020 11:57

If he said they can't help their thoughts and need help because it's so wrong, fine. I agree that by not helping them they just do it secretly.

To say it's like being gay is a scary red flaf for me. Keep him away from your kids. Sad

MMmomDD · 03/05/2020 12:00

OP - while I agree on factual side of the argument - that people can’t help who they are attracted to, and that includes all spectrum of attractions - from healthy and accepted to abnormal and illegal - I do think it’s a strange topic to bring up for no reason.

If there was a program on TV, or something like that - it’s be more understandable.
So - he is at best a little weird, so no reason to stay in a relationship if he makes you uncomfortable.

Also - no reason to decide not to date from now on - just because you met a weirdo

Eternalconfusion · 03/05/2020 12:01

@1Wildheartsease thank you!!

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 03/05/2020 12:02

Well it is technically a form of attraction that differs from the norm...

However the implication he gave in liking it to homosexuality implied that he felt it might one day be acceptable for ppl to act on it. That, is a red flag.

I'd also wonder in what context he brought it up. Could he have been testing the waters for your reaction? Ect.

firsttimemum30 · 03/05/2020 12:07

I have a baby with my new partner. I have no DC with my ExH as his opinion was the same, we were watching an American Documentary about how they put paedophiles in housing estates together which have signs outside warning the public and stating their crimes etc. In this country we tend to change their identity and protect them, which I disagree with. ExH felt sorry for them because they "couldn't help it" and likened it to specific kinks etc. I felt disgusted tbh , how can you empathise with people who fantasised about and usually act on, hurting innocent children Angry

blue30 · 03/05/2020 12:07

He probably thinks contrarian opinions make him clever and lacks the emotional inteligence to realise how wrong he is being. Needs to to grow up a bit. Avoid.

Troubledmummy3 · 03/05/2020 12:19

When I met my husband 10 years ago I had 2 little girls aged 3 and 1. I was so concerned about trusting him that before I let him meet my children I went through his computer and laptop in forensic detail to check for ANY red flags (he was at work, I was at his, children were with their dad) I'm pleased to say there weren't any and he is an amazing father! My girls adore him! He has always found paedophillia abhorrent and had he have ever suggested any other point of view I would have done exactly the same as you! You can never be too careful when it comes to things like this and even if this guy was just misplaced with his views it would never be worth the risk! I know that today you'll be thinking it through, that you may end up feeling sorry for him because you liked him but the things you've kept on your list are all red flags and I honestly think you've done the right thing ❤️ I would block him and move on, don't even give him the opportunity to explain. Hope you are ok x

Delia65 · 03/05/2020 12:23

The problem with paedophillia is that it’s such an abhorrent subject for the majority of people that it’s difficult to accept a viewpoint like his without assuming he’s one himself. Fwiw I think I can understand what he’s trying to say and I’m inclined to agree that it’s not something anyone would choose to be. None of us can choose our sexual preference can we? Whether or not he is one we don’t know, but having this opinion alone doesn’t mean a thing imo

famousforwrongreason · 03/05/2020 12:25

@Troubledmummy3 wow!
I so wish I had done this on the computer of many exes prior to getting involved!
What a brave move and I'm glad it paid off.
I've had so many chances to 'snoop' but have not for fear of invading personal space and for giving in to my anxiety and paranoia.
I know for a fact that had it been acceptable to do this, I wouldn't have ended up in the many faailled relationships with liars that I've had.
People are entitled to privacy but we take huge chances when we let people into our lives with our kids.

myangelalex · 03/05/2020 12:27

I don't think people can help who they're attracted to. It's a scientific fact that brains are wired to respond to certain stimuli and is beyond the control of the person involved. Many paedophiles don't want to be attracted to children. They know it's wrong. They don't act on it and are tortured by their attraction (great, if uncomfortable, tv prog a while back). I understand this fact on an intellectual level, but am revolted by the whole thing. Whether the exbf said similar I don't know, but the fact he didn't express revulsion would worry me. There's being liberal and being morally corrupt.

Eternalconfusion · 03/05/2020 12:34

I actually don't think he is a paedophile (although honestly how could you ever know?!) What @blue30 said about thinking he's clever and lacking emotional intelligence is closer to what I think of him. BUT either way it's not something I welcome into my life.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/05/2020 12:43

I think he was seeking your 'permission' to do odd, selfish and potentially damaging stuff in future - and proving to himself that he could browbeat you into accepting it, through his 'logical arguments' combined with your kindness, taking advantage of your desire to give slightly 'odd' people the benefit of the doubt.

billy1966 · 03/05/2020 12:49

What a clever idea for any women to do in a new relationship.

Keep a note of red flags as they pop up.

A superb reference to have and to move on from when you realise they are showing a pattern.

Well done OPFlowers👏

Calyx72 · 03/05/2020 12:59

@eternalconfusion
I salute you! Brilliant boundaries, assertiveness, well done.

I wanted to say your list is a great idea. I forgot things until I began to write them in a Mumsnet thread when I was with my alcoholic ex husband. I then started a diary. When I came around to being able to speak to him about divorce I had all my reasons written down. I didn't shoe or tell him, I just knew them and wasn't going to rationalise or normalise or forget any more.

Well done and I think you can trust yourself and your boundaries. If you want to date people I say go ahead. It is still fun Smile and you deserve good !

Calyx72 · 03/05/2020 13:00

*show or tell him

FloggingMoll · 03/05/2020 14:01

Just here to add my voice to those praising you for your actions. Intellectual debate or otherwise, it triggered something within you and you dealt with it accordingly. Bloody well done.

Eternalconfusion · 03/05/2020 14:18

Thank you, I'm a bit sad today (or possibly just hungover!) and this thread is helping.

OP posts:
Gutterton · 03/05/2020 17:07

The most important thing that you did was to listen to your gut that something was “off” or “confusing” - that’s enough to note and act on. That is your body and maternal psyche warning system ringing.

You then took it away to examine - the context, the arguments etc - this is the time we can risk JADE ing our feelings - trying to blunt our alarm by justifying, arguing, defending and explaining their behaviour or our reaction.

Also you LIST of red flags are really important as we are often polite or unsure - but if you note and keep tally you will see if it was a one off blunder or a pattern of boundary pushing, bullying, control etc.

Also these people wrap everything up in smoke and mirrors to disguise their true intentions - potential to flip something to only a “joke” is a classic manoeuvre and it puts you down at the same time for being “to sensitive” “to serious”.

I would look at Sarah’s Law - he might be on the list - then report him.

Lizzie523 · 03/05/2020 17:36

Get rid of him, come on.

YouJustDoYou · 03/05/2020 17:37

She has Liz. RTFT.

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