Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

[Eternalconfusion]

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

To the people comparing it to homosexuality...ffs.

It’s more akin to necrophilia, zoophilia and erotophonophilia - which is the sexual interest of murder.

Do you have the same empathy for a man who fantasise, writes and talks about murdering and torturing women but never acts on it because it’s illegal? Not because it’s wrong.

Well I would have found this subject interesting, but I study psychology. Having an opinion a out how something is isn’t necessarily the same as agreeing with it. I remember my husband and I having a long discussion about Eugenic on one of our first dates. Would have occurred to me to break up with him for having a different opinion to me.

To me one of big red flags in this is that the conversation came out the blue and was followed by “it’s something I sometimes like talk about it at the beginning of a relationship” (paraphrased)

Had you been putting the worlds to rights and talking to the wee hours of the morning over a couple bottles of wine and had organically stumbled onto this topic, It would be less likely to become an issue, as we have seen on here it’s definitely a subject with a lot of opinions and feelings on it.

I think however that he brought it up out of the blue is definitely an indicator that he is boundary testing and would have been enough of a red flag for me to walk away.

Well done OP you receptors and boundaries are good and meant you put you and your children’s safely and wellbeing 1st.

I think you should separate what he said from his apparent feelings towards the content of what he said. I also believe that paedophilia is something you are born with or end up with after some kind of traumatic damage early in childhood. There are paedophiles who abstain because they know it is wrong, illegal, abhorrent and some of them have to get therapy to cope. Wasn't it the same for homosexuals years ago?

If he said, however, that he sympathises or understands why they go out and commit that type of crime, then I'd be worried. You have kids and they are your priority. Personally if I had any doubt, and I would after that conversation, I would cut the risk dead. If I was wrong at least my kids are still safe.

Having read your update, it definitely sounds as though he had an ulterior motive. Had you said this in the first place, I would also have agreed you need to get as far away from this man as possible. Have you heard of Sarah’s law? www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sofd/child-sex-offender-data-sarahs-law/

Well done you did the right thing 💐

Some people’s sexuality is twisted and they do fancy children but dot act on it, this is fact. I would still run form this man as fast as you possibly can, his behaviour is a huge red flag. Children can’t consent and sex with kids harms them so it can’t be another sexuality like homosexuality, it’s really child rape.

This man may be trying to soften you up to the idea of peadophila to get to your children. Sulking is suspect, it’s trying to beat you down until you agree, this is a common tactic in abuse. Think about it an abuser may try to groom the parents before the children, it would make it easier to abuse your kids.

It’s very strange for anyone to think a parent of young children would have any sympathy with abusers. As a single mum you need to defend your family, block this man in every way.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-41213657

Christ on a bike

He was either grooming you

Or

He gets off on seeing women with children debate this on fucking dates, it’s like poking a hornets nest as most mother’s would oppose this robustly.

Fruits he is not intelligent as no sane person would bring this up in a date. He is a prick.

Good riddance!

No. You’re clearly feeling some vibes here, with young children I’d definitely not proceed with the relationship. Might sound extreme but I’m staying single until my children are at least 18. My daughter is 12, my son 15. I just couldn’t bring a man into my house. Like I say extreme but I’m happy being single and have been for years.

Oh yuk. Him comparing attraction to children to being homosexual is huge red flags. The fact that he sympathises makes me think he is that way, otherwise why overthink it that much and try to justify this way of thinking? You dodged a bullet there, big time.

Quite worrying that someone would try and add that in as a sexual preference. Disgusting

Good call op. Right decision.

Massive well done OP for dumping him. You are a good example of how to keep your DC safe. 5 months and he had not met your kids...excellent boundaries! And then you ensure they are safe by listening to your gut and getting rid. I wish there were more people, especially parents like you who choose to safeguard their children like you have. I cant help but wonder, how has he responded to being dumped? Has he just slinked away or does he protest? His response could be quite telling

I thought paedophilia was innate.

I watched a documentary a few years ago and I remember there was a man in it who admitted to having sexual thoughts about young children, but he knew it was wrong to act up on them. When those thoughts became too much he would call his counsellor and she would talk him down. The man seemed to be in turmoil with himself. I think this man may have lived in Germany but there were similar schemes here in the U.K.

How did the conversation come up?

As an academic discussion, the topic of paedophilia as a sexual orientation is one thing, and there are several experts in the area who take this position without condoning any behaviour whatsoever.

But it does seem odd to bring it up out of the blue, unless he is one for debates and readily throws controversial ideas out there to provoke discussion? If he had a history on dates of saying things like "What do you think of Belgium's position on euthansia - did you hear they have made it legal for minors to seek this now?' 'What do you think of the argument that drug users should be allowed safe places to inject, even if they are quite near schools?'. So, if he showed more of a trend for generally enjoying academic debate on difficult topics I would probably give him more leeway.

I'm still reading and re-reading as it's keeping me hardened so I don't text him!

He was slightly odd, in a quirky, possibly aspergers sort of way. I liked that about him. I'm not attracted to your typical alpha male (so understand that attraction is not a choice) and when I was obviously completely horrified he was upset with himself to have upset me. So possibly not the grooming abuser scenario as much as a way off the mark weird comment with no concept of appropriate conversational boundaries.

But how could I possibly ever introduce him to my kids after this conversation, with a clear conscience and complete faith in him?! I couldn't.

Well done OP, you have handled this brilliantly, please don’t doubt yourself again 😊.

I have a family member who is a paedophile and a CSA. He feels endlessly sorry for himself, but has no sympathy for his victims or their families (or indeed his own family, it’s been a 30 year nightmare for us). He says he would like not to be this way and he has tried not to be but always fails. Single mothers - I guess grandmothers now - are always his prey. It’s hopeless. They should have kept him locked away the first time.

This is not as cut and dry and it seems.

He believes that being a paedophile (having an attraction to children) is a mental illness that cannot be helped.

Has he specifically said he believes that paedophiles that act on this should not be punished, as such?

I, too, am of the opinion that a person cannot help what they are attracted to, even if it is wrong. I do view it as a sickness.

However, I fully believe that anyone who was to act on their urges should be punished. Be that viewing images or actually harming a child.

There's a big difference between recognising that certain feelings are out of someone's control and sympathising with then harming someone else as a result.

Likening it to homosexuality, I can see the angle that he was going for there, but he's entirely wrong there. And he needs educating.

If you have any inclination about this person and the safety of your children you don't need help getting away, you need to be clear and end it with your reasons. Trust your gut.

I don't know whether this has been mentioned but, given how prevalent OLD is as a way of finding a partner, I actually worry more about paedophiles who may use this as a means of getting together with single mothers and thus gain access to young children.

@darbs76 I don't think that's extreme and I'm coming to the same conclusion myself. My children are younger than yours so it's a long time to stay single but when I think of my daughter going through puberty with an unrelated man in the house and how that would make her feel........no. Can't do it.

I’ve RTFT. I don’t think the opinion the bf expressed is a red flag because it reflects the latest scientific literature on the subject. He clearly was against the actual acts of child sex abuse, so he was not apologising for any that act on it at all. The comparison to homosexuality was not a red flag either as that is another innate attraction that society was horrified by and thought was “a choice” for years. So there are parallels along the choice thread.

I also don’t think he was “testing boundaries” as he said he brought the subject up because he thought it was interesting. And it is an interesting subject imo. I don’t agree that intellectual discussions on the various psychological ills of society is “testing boundaries”. Would you conclude a bf is a potential homicidal maniac if he brought up a discussion about serial killers and what makes them kill? Would you advise she report him to the police to “have on their radar”? (Might as well have every psychiatrist and journalist that studies these freaks on a police list too)

I get the impression from many PPs that it is just that it is taboo to talk about this particular subject to a mother? That makes me a bit uncomfortable as a feminist tbh, the idea that certain subjects are too much for my delicate mother ears.

I also do not agree that the bf motives were sinister and he was grooming. Actual child sex abusers don’t go around chatting up mothers about the latest research on pedophilia. In fact they express whatever opinion will make them look “safe” and avoid all topics like this. So congratulations on “keeping her children safe” are over the top.

That said, if OP prefers a man who only talks about things like sports, work, family, celebrities then that’s her preference and fine by me. She said she’s not read any of the science on this, so presumably it’s not an interesting subject to her and she’d rather not know more about it. It’s important to share interests with your partner otherwise you bore each other to death.

@backtothenewme I ended it telling him my reason, simply and clearly. He asked a question, which I didn't bother answering (he was asking for clarification but I had been clear) and I haven't heard from him since. Mind you, that was only at 1am!

Sorry just seen your update that the conversation came out of the blue, that would make me feel uncomfortable.
You are right to get rid, he made you feel uncomfortable and you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

I don't think he's expressed it well, but he's partially correct. Being a paedophile is not a choice in the same way that your sexual orientation isn't a choice. However, there is a difference in which behaviours are acceptable.
Paedophiles commonly do not think they have been inappropriate - but they do know that society does not accept it hence the secrecy. It's also common for them to think they are showing affection to the child - again not rational / normal thought.
You can't just send them to prison and when they come out they are 'fixed'. It's a very complicated and highly emotive subject and was part of my degree many years ago. Also they are not all the same so there will always be differences in behaviour and causation.

I agree @PlanDeRaccordement

but the deed is done, she has ditched him.

can paedophiles be given drugs to suppress their urges?