Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

[Eternalconfusion]

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

Comparisons with homosexuality are so so bad. It's all about adults consenting, whether hetero, homo or bi.

Attraction to children isn't a sexuality, it's a paraphilia. Children can't consent or even interpret adult sexual behaviours.

OP, well done. You and your family aren't responsible for rehabilitation. Safety first. No room for risk when there's kids involved.

@Eternalconfusion there’s Sarah’s Law which you can use through the police. Might flag something up with them if he’s not allowed contact with children.
Good on you for dumping him. The guy sounds like a creep.

There was a documentary about paedophiles in America who hadn't acted on it. One was on the register and marrying the girl! If I remember rightly, I think he said he didn't know her age and she was nearly 16. It was all very weird.

Unless this guy said paedophilia should be viewed as homosexuality is now, I’m struggling to see how his comments are the same as those of former members of the PIE.

@user1481840227
I imagine that was some kind of psychology course. Something I’d love to study if I could have my time again.

It's actually factually correct that true pedophiles cannot help being attracted to minors.

This is as opposed to child abusers - some of whom will be pedophiles but some of whom are just opportunistic sexual predators and aren't exclusively attracted to children.

^ This is from scientific research

To me it depends on how he was comparing it to being gay. If the only comparison he was making is that it isn't a choice then he is correct.

If he was in anyway implying that it's okay, will one day become acceptable, pedophiles are misunderstood then that would be a red flag.

It would also matter as to how the topic came up...if he brought it up and it wasn't naturally relevant then it would be a red flag.

Also if you felt he was judging your reaction to what he was saying rather than just voicing an opinion that he isn't that attached to.

Firstly it's massively homophobic to compare the two and secondly surely the issue here is about CONSENT?!

I would think a more correct comparison is between a paedophile

& a rapist. Both are people who have a sexual urge to do something abusive that will cause great harm & pain to another person.

It's just not comparable to a person's sexuality. At all. You can get straight paedophiles & you can get homosexual paedophiles. Not the same thing.

He may not be dangerous himself OP. But he sounds like a massive twat whatever the case. Please don't blame yourself. You have done the right thing & put your kids first. You are a great mum!

Totally depends whether he was just voicing his opinion that he doesn’t think that attraction to children is a choice, anymore than other people’s attraction is to opposing or same sex partners or whether he was excusing the act and he thinks it will one day be acceptable. I agree that is very unlikely the attraction is a choice but acting on that attraction is and is indefensible.

I think you've done the right thing. Some people are pointing out that what he said might not have been that bad, but tbh at this stage in the relationship, and before he met your children, you shouldn't have to agonise over this stuff if it makes you uncomfortable (it would me).

You lost me at consciously forgot about it.

I worked with paedophiles and heard this deranged reasoning to justify their crimes too many times. Let’s not give them the benefit of the doubt. Many people (thankfully) have absolutely no idea what these people are capable of.

Even voicing his opinion would be enough, there is no depends, it is not comparable to a rapist, to even enter a debate about whether it is their fault or whether they can control it is dangerous.

Fucks sake keep your children safe.

Comparison to homosexuals is wrong. I'd be more inclined to compare to rapists. They don't close to have these urges, no, but it's morally wrong, not a mutually wanted 'encounter' (for the want if a better word here) and it's control/power over someone who is vulnerable and targeted

Homosexuality is the same as heterosexuality - on every level, except that it's two people of the same gender - everything else is the same bracket as heterosexuality

Personally I'd have big reservations as to why he's even feel like talking about this, particularly when you have kids - is he setting up a situation or something?! Weird and worrying

Your instinct is there for a reason so you must listen to it.
Don't take the risk.
Children are precious, its out job to protect them.

You've done the right thing. In the back of your mind you'd always be concerned about him being around your kids.

I would get rid of him IMMEDIATELY and have him no-where near my children. Because of men like him child pornography exists. His boundaries are way off and your children are not safe with a man like this.
And as a gay woman I can tell you that I'm sick to death of my sexuality being lumped in with paedophilia.
It's early days, get rid.

Well done OP. You have shown really good judgment by a) waiting to get to know a new partner before introducing them to your children and b) spotting a red flag and ending the relationship. I think you should be proud of how far you have come.

Yuk.
You have made a really good decision there OP, you recognised something wasn’t right, sought advice and ended the relationship. Well done

Thanks all, he's dumped and I'm relieved. He'd never even come close to meeting my children but how could I let that happen after this incredibly weird conversation?! It came out the blue too. I asked him why he'd brought it up and he said it was something he asked on dates sometimes because he found it interesting. To me that translated as "I'm testing your boundaries to see your reaction to this".

He of course wasn't saying he thought acting on it was acceptable and he didn't think that it would one day be accepted by society. We had a debate very similar to the one on here and it was all done in a very detached way but it left me with a sour taste afterwards. A couple of days after that lockdown happened and so I left it but a conversation yesterday triggered this memory and I couldn't let it lie again.

He sounds a very intelligent reasoned individual, he is quite right that these people don’t choose that mental disorder, whether they choose to act on their feelings is another matter, but that’s not what he said. He simply pointed out that just as homosexuals don’t choose to be gay neither do those attracted to children. It shows a very well developed sense of empathy and the ability to see issues can be multi faceted.

The fact that its something he asks on dates is a massive alarm bell to me.

It sounds to me like you can absolutely trust your judgement! You are 100% right in your reaction and 100% right to dump.

the fact he brings it up on dates shows he is testing the waters.

i have had the misfortune to work with many paedophiles as a part of my job and it is a common theme that they identify single mothers with young children and pick them off- or groom them. that is what he was doing.

Your response was completely right. You should feel proud of yourself.

You've done the right thing by getting rid. I would also be concerned about how that topic randomly came up in conversation as well. Some people prey on women alone with children, who knows what he had planned. Glad hes is out of the picture.

Well done OP. So refreshing to see a woman who has adequately protected her kids so there was plenty of time to spot shit like this before it was too late.

Hope the next one is normal

Did you tell him why you broke up with him op?

Fruits- op gave context. He was 1000% testing boundaries ready to groom. He is none of things you describe.

Good decision OP.

He was testing the waters. The fact he thinks to bring this up shows he must have some sort of vested interest in the topic.

Well done OP.

The fact he brought it up means he's obviously testing boundaries. I dread to think what he's got up to