Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

[Eternalconfusion]

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

He was testing your boundaries OP. Well done on getting shot.

How did he respond out of interest?

@Mummyoflittledragon That was an interesting read, thank you. I had absolutely no idea that there was a neural pattern.

You’re doing the right thing. Whether he’s excusing/apologizing for himself, or if this is what he thinks of others that commit these atrocities, it’s disturbing. You could never trust your kids with him, ever.

How scary. Glad you got rid!

Did he mean that pedos are just misunderstood like gays were and it's a variation and will someday be accepted like gays are accepted?

I wonder if he has a record too.
And any normal person married, single, children, no children understands that pedo isn't normal and is sick.

Just reading and answering is making cringe at the thought of these sickos.

Another excellent reason to put off introducing your children to someone you're dating and a good reason to have a background check done too.

From OP's further replies it doesn't sound like he actually said anything that radical did he? That they can't help who they're attracted to, but it's the acting on it that's so wrong..? Isn't that basically what he said?

You should have in your head a big massive fuck off blocker that stops you from being attracted to minors. It's very simple to me.

That's really not how it works. Unfortunately.

However the comparison to homosexuality was problematic.

TwelveMonkeys
I agree. Unless op clarifies further. However, it would appear she has made her choice and ended the relationship based on the first few replies.

ViciousJackdaw
You’re welcome. I also read this one. A pretty shocking read and NB the study only included males, who had offended. It went into a lot of detail on arousal. Lower iq (and the lower the iq, the younger the age of attractiveness), exposure to child abuse images, brain trauma before 13, left handedness, maternal age and height all cited as factors. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4478390/

You should have in your head a big massive fuck off blocker that stops you from being attracted to minors. It's very simple to me.

Interestingly convicted paedophiles are three times more likely to be left handed than the rest of the population, shorter on average and can have certain facial markers...these are all things that are determined in the first trimester of pregnancy.

That's for convicted paedophiles, so therefore people who abused, I don't know if they've done a study on those who are attracted to children but who haven't abused children. It would probably be extremely difficult to get volunteers.

Also head injuries in childhood are also associated with someone being a paedophile in later life. Head injuries in childhood are also common among serial killers and psychopaths.

So you're right we probably all should have a blocker in our brains that stops it but some people don't and they are studying that which might go some way to preventing it in future, who knows?

But if everyone decided it was a choice and it was that simple then no progress will be made ever in preventing it!

whilst I think it is important to fell free and trusting to voice opinions in a relationship, I think if he honestly feels that, then it would have crossed a line. Could you trust him around your DC or any DC for that manner.
Sorry I would walk away too. your kids come first.

It might not be a red flag! Obviously it was wrong of him to compare paedophilia to homosexuality. But he’s not necessarily condoning the sexual abuse of children! There are some paedophiles who are sexually attracted to children but would never act on their desires because they know it is wrong. They recognise that they have a mental illness and they take steps to control it. Maybe this is what your boyfriend was trying to say and he just didn’t explain it very well? If not, then yeah, I agree, what he said is pretty fucked up!

Sorry @Mummyoflittledragon, I didn't read all the thread before I posted and saw you posted an article that stated the things I mentioned.

I think you were right to get rid of him, Eternalconfusion. You cannot take chances with a new partner when you have such young children. He may have just been throwing out a theory based on something he'd read or heard someone say but is it worth the risk?

Surely we are all well aware nowadays that there's no comparison between homosexuality and paedophilia - homosexuals are born that way and seek a relationship with a peer of their own sex, not a child; nobody is born a paedophile, that is something which develops for many reasons. It's extremely insulting to gay people for that comparison to be made, however tenuously.

@user1481840227
Gosh no apology necessary. I presumed it was a cross post and even if it weren’t, you can write what you like! You appear to know things I just read about.

As a lesbian, I feel extremely uncomfortable at the comparison.
However, I do agree that a person cannot help being attracted to children anymore than I can help being attracted to women instead of men so, to be honest, how different really is it? Acting on it, however, is despicable and cannot be compared to the actions of two consenting adults.

So I don’t think the opinion of the feeling itself is a red flag, but would depend on his view towards people who act on it.

Tbh I think it's disingenuous if not harmful to even talk about abusive tendencies as being similar to attraction and desire. There are people who get kicks out of abuse. Some of them get off on hurting adults. Some of them get off on non consensual acts. Anything involving children conflates the two. Talking about it in terms of "just another type of attraction/orientation" is misleading. As for the ones who claim to experience this supposed "attraction" but never act on it, well, abusers lie. A lot. And the neural pathways thing, well, yeah if you play the piano for 10000 hours you form neural pathways that other people don't have. Same as if you jerk off to pictures of children 10000 times. Fuck all is "hard wired" really.

@upthewolves I think I read something similar... I want to say it was an Ask Me Anything on reddit. Anyway... the guy explained it as his sexual tastes just never matured. So when all his friends as teens were getting interested in typical "womanly" things he never went through this phase.

He was very open and honest about how much he hated himself, contemplated suicide, didn't know how to get help. In some ways I guess I sympathised if what he was saying was actually true (that he'd never acted on it or even thought about acting on it, because he wasn't an abuser and had no intention of abusing anyone).

I do think there can be a difference between abusers and pedophiles. I have never had an ounce of sympathy for an abuser. But to live life knowing there is something in your brain wired incorrectly, and you will never be attracted to adults and therefore may never have romantic relationships... I do have sympathy for that.

Could this be where he is making the link? As in, it wasn't that long ago that we believed homosexual people were just "wired incorrectly"? We believed you could "treat gayness" in the same way Op just said she believes you can switch pedophilia off?

I agree with Lynda07. You also sound like you learnt a fair bit when you took the Freedom Programme and applied that knowledge, OP.

I think the comparison with homosexuality is what is really dicey.

In my opinion, going on the cases that have come to light, most paedophiles seem to go after children because they can, actually, not because they are not attracted to adults.

I don’t think you can control attraction. You can deny it which seems to be what you mean by a ‘fuck off’ but that’s different to not feeling it in the first place. If that were the case then gay people could choose not to be attracted to the same sex. Or married people could choose not to be attracted to anyone other that their spouse. It doesn’t work that way.

I’m not saying that it wasn’t a red flag, it could be depending on how he voiced it. Certainly the comparison to homosexuals could reveal a belief that pedophilia isn’t so bad or that homosexuality is bad. Or it could not as in the example provided above. The fact that you feel uncomfortable about the exchange though would make me think there was something wrong as opposed to merely having a detached purely academic discussion.

@Mummyoflittledragon, I don't know very much but I briefly touched upon the subject in college!

Perfectly said forever.

I don't think that saying that paedophilia is a mental illness is the same as sympathising with them. I wouldn't it as a mental illness however I watched a documentary years ago, it was an anonymous one with a man who harboured indecent thoughts about children. He was absolutely distraught that he had these thoughts and said that he just couldn't help it. He had never acted upon it and said he never would, made a point of never being around children etc. He was disgusted with his inclinations.

So I do think that in some cases, the urge is there and it isn't a choice to have these thoughts. However it is a choice to act upon them. And before anyone starts calling me a paedophile sympathiser just because I haven't automatically went "he's vile, hang him!" .. Yes, I do think it's disgusting and I think they should be chemically castrated. As well as physically. It's one of the worst crimes out there. My younger brother was a victim of CSA when he was a child and the perpetrator got a year inside and put on the register for 10 years. Which I think is a joke - these people's urges don't go away and so they should be put on the register - and jail - for life.

I don't think these feelings can be helped which is why they should be hung in all honesty (or kept away from the general public by being kept in a tiny cell for life) because they will never change

😳

I think some of this depends on why the topic was being discussed - he should be incredibly sensitive to the fact that you have children, and have clearly demonstrated that he believes paedophilic behaviour to be abhorrent. Did you get that impression?

Wasn’t there a group PIE ( paedophile information group) who tried to legitimise paedophilia? Must have been in the 70s.

This was before we knew what paedophilia was, its effects etc.

Found it..... www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-26352378

Looks like they tried to gain acceptance by jumping on the coat tails of gay rights. (And tainted their legitimate cause) What a bunch of creeps.

Can leopards change their spots, do they know they are spotted?

Red flags are out on this chap. Move on.

If he was musing after watching an episode of Brass Eye, or Rev. for example - there may be small amount scope. I have two primary aged children myself - and it would be a non-negotiable, massive red flag for me too if I got any hint of an unhealthy view.