Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

[Eternalconfusion]

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

Oh the choosing to say it on dates thing. That's not about testing this boundary but it is about testing your boundaries, IMO.

He's finding out (whether in a calculated, or more instinctive way - so he'd say and believe he was doing no such thing) whether he might be able to convince you that any really dubious, or just stupid, things he does later are not his fault and he is not ot be held to account, because you are a thoughtful and empathetic person.

Ugh, I've just put into words something I've experienced a few times there! Not presented in quite the same way though.

But how can anyone consider children as a sexual "preference"? They're not even on the menu!!

I may not be read up on the current scientific research around this - to me it was enough that he brought this up on a date. Would he have the same discussion in the pub with his mates, or just on dates with single mothers?

It’s a paraphilia not a sexual orientation.

I think he's right. Sexual attraction is not a rational choice.

It’s a paraphilia not a sexual orientation.

Thank you @captainmarveldanvers I didn't know the correct word for what I was trying to say!

Thanks all, he's dumped and I'm relieved. He'd never even come close to meeting my children but how could I let that happen after this incredibly weird conversation?!

Well done, @Eternalconfusion. 5 months into a relationship is long enough for it to matter to the point that some mothers may have dismissed or justified this conversation, as this thread shows.

I think it’s good you ended it because it’s just a really weird thing to talk about on a date! It’s just not nice is it. Who wants to be around that kind of dialogue! It shows him up for being a difficult/weird character and that’s worth dumping for alone.

@tomatoes

Totally different thing and not a rare opinion

The view and opinion of paedophiles and their excusers

There was a documentary exploring this very issue a few years ago, the paedophile on there had not acted and it was exploring the idea that it was inate and not something that could be controlled. The way the documentary was filmed I can understand how one could afford a certain amount of empathy for someone in that position. However, for someone to have those thoughts there must be something so fundamentally wrong in the brain that for me it’s akin to a murderous psychopath - they often claim they were born that way too. Whether or not they can ‘help’ it is completely irrelevant.

yeah....my colleague is working with a paedophile right now who thinks he is the victim. It's so sad for him, he can't help it.

His crimes are fairly gruesome. He picks off vulnerable single mothers also. But for him he seriously thinks he is the victim.

To all those doubting his motives are sinister and proving how woke you are:

This is not a debate around homosexuality.
the op is a single mum to children and has herself said that she had poor boundaries due to past abusive relationships.
You wouldn't have dumped him in your circumstances, but she is right and has done the right thing.
Even if she liked him a lot, why should she sleep walk through what he has essentially admitted is his boundary testing? What kind of decent bloke does this?

When someone is testing boundaries like this they are giving a clue about their character, whether they are a danger to kids or a danger in terms of weird controlling behaviour.

OP has pre-empted further challenging behaviour from him and nipped it in the bud at the right time.

Be careful that your wokeness doesn't inadvertently give a platform to people who aren't safe around women and children.

well said famous

You started off saying your boundaries were" a bit off" and you've had previous abusive relationships. It sounds to me like he may have known this somehow, and been testing it and you. And it seems like you have put some clear ones in place for yourself and your children. Well done. I hope you feel proud of yourself.

I think there is a big difference between 1) understanding why someone IS a paedophile and 2) excusing the action. Just because some on here have said that paedophilia may be innate it doesn’t mean that they in anyway excuse the action.

Fruitsaladjelly

If he's that clever then why didn't he also have the glaringly obvious conversation about consent - or acknowledge how grossly offensive his comparison is to homosexual people (you could just as easily apply the "they can't help it" line to heterosexual people, so why don't we?).

At best he's got a loose understanding of what is a very complex area of psycho-sexual behaviour yet still feels cocksure enough to put unsuspecting women (mothers) on the spot, to see if they meet his (not so) exacting intellectual standards. He sounds like a total douchebag.

Right, well bringing this up routinely with new partners is very concerning.

@quietheart are you talking about people who are attracted to children or people who abuse children? Presumably for these people to have come to anyone’s attention and for you to be working with them, they have offended. I’m not talking about offenders.

Run for the hills! This man has a very warped way of thinking and with 2 young children has to be several Red Flags waving all at once !

It’s such a weird thing to say to a woman who you know has young children, early in a relationship/on a date. At the very least it shows a complete lack of common sense and that he’s a weird, weird guy. I also would have not seen him again.

However, I’m not sure I agree with the common opinions on here. Let’s look at, say, a serial killer. Someone who has a desire so strong to go out and kill people that they will risk everything (being locked in a tiny cell for life or even electrocuted to death if they’re caught). Is that a choice? Killing people is clearly wrong. But it’s not a ‘choice’ I have to make, because I have absolutely no desire to. Nothing in me would ever want to do that. But, I assume, for the sick and messed up individuals who do, they have a very strong need/desire to do it. That’s not excusing it, or saying it’s right, or saying that they’re the victim. It’s just saying that they aren’t normal people who’ve one day gone ‘I’m going to be weak and give in to that classic choice that most people resist, and kill someone.’ Something inside them is broken in that they want to do that. Now, if I met someone who said ‘I have those urges but I choose never to act on them’ I wouldn’t exactly want to be around them! I see paedophillia in the same way. It’s a terrible, terrible crime and the perpetrators should be locked up for life (or executed if that’s the law in your particular country) but I don’t think they’re normal people who ‘choose’ to want to do that. I certainly couldn’t make that choice. It must be an innate desire they have inside them, which they then (and they absolutely shouldn’t, and they know it’s wrong and do it anyway, which is evil) act upon it.

Q

Well done for dumping him.it might be his opinion and that of others, but that kind of opinion wouldn't be one I'd be comfortable with a partner having either.

Well done op on getting rid!

You’re a great mum ❤️

Very well put @MargotEmin

What a terrible choice of topic to discuss on a date. I think I would get up and walk out ASAP if that was said to me.

I can offer no empathy, sympathy or understanding of child rape and I would not like to discuss it with anyone tbh unless I was dealing with a child protection issue at work.

I feel sick for you but you’ve absolutely done the right thing by ending it. Creepy AF.

gay people throughout history

That's the thing: there weren't 'gay' people until very recently. Greek homosexuals were not 'gay' as we understand it. The idea of same-sex marriage would have been beyond their comprehension.

On topic, there is a problem with the popular usage and understanding of the term 'paedophile.' It can mean a child sex predator or, in extremis, a 17 year old boy with a 15 year old girlfriend. Different societies have different ideas about these boundaries and where they should fall. France and the Netherlands still have no concept of an 'age of consent.' These can be matters of legitimate public discourse.

The problem lies when a group such as the PIE parasitise a genuine popular debate such as the one in the 1970s about the dicriminatory laws relating to male homosexuals in the UK, and well-meaing groups such as the NCCL become their host and facilitator. Still looking at you, Harriet Harman.