Is a single 25k salary enough for a family?

[StepMummaToBe]

Hi. I'm 26, I've got a job (25/30k) won't be much more than that for my whole career,

I've got a new boyfriend, he earns minimum wage (18ish K). He's got 3 Kids are young and don't live with us but spend school hols etc with us. He doesn't have any ambition to get a better job. He pays about £200 in child maintenance a month and has no money left so I pay for most of our living costs, he's is also in 4K worth of debt.

I'm worried for my future, will we be able to afford to have kids? I know he wants to be a stay at home dad- i would be fine with that.

I love him but this is honestly the only thing that has been worrying me recently.

I'm not silly, I know it's doable, but I'm curious for some advice to make me feel better!

Any wise words? Positive only pls 🙏🏻
X

My husband works in science and has a bio Med science degree worked as a forensic examiner but after few yr just couldn't cope with all stress mood ended up low etc hes much better in a job with 0 responsibly he earns just above minimum but if hes happy and working why is this an issue it isnt there is no difference between my earnings and yours. I also ran up 5k on a cred card and took a bank loan to pay it of which I consolidated with another loan I have so I pay 380 a month onit paid on next year :) I also have a 4x4 at a cost of 220 a month and a mortgage of 550 husband gives me 330 a month towards it and he pays water and council tax. He pays less than me but pays enough and he puts towards shopping obv as well. His car is paid of. My point is their is nowt wrong with earnings.

@Healthyandhappy Fair play to you! My OH earns around £18k pa doing an incredibly important job in adult social care ft.

I am fed up with people saying "Well he should be earning more at his age" etc, "Why didn't you find a man who earns xx a year?"

Like a wealthy man is the answer to everything and automatically going to make me very happy.

Trust me, that's definitely not always true! I know from bitter experience!

Yes it's not always easy financially (I earn slightly less than him as SEN support in education), I have two boys 50/50 and am expecting a baby with fiancé in a few weeks' time (his first and last-I'm 39!)

Ateotd we love what we do and live fully independently with no help from the government or any sort of maintenance. The only 'top up' I get is Child Benefit for one of my sons.

It’s not so much his earnings - you haven’t said where you live and it could be average/above average for the area. I earn a few K above your DP, if you aren’t a professional (teacher, Doctor, dentist, solicitor etc.) where I live then all there is are min wage jobs. Not everyone is capable of a degree or “just getting a higher paid job”. The wage I was on in my previous role would be considered a “fortune” where I am now and only available in senior management/professions I mentioned earlier.

I am very, very lucky that my DH was a high earner (now retired but does consultancy occasionally) and we were able to sell the previous house and buy one outright, when I got the job he bought me a car as I work shifts. Had I been single, I probably would have had to turn the job down as I couldn’t have afforded rent/car/living expenses. This is the reality for a lot of people in areas outside the SE (where we previously lived).

If it was just you two OP, then yes it would be doable but tight but as many other pp have said how is he going to pay for his existing children? It doesn’t seem like he wants to be a team, I’ve been unemployed and DH supported me but made it clear (without being an arse) that I needed to work again, as we could manage on his pension (which is more than your DPs wage, it’s more than my wage too) but couldn’t afford things like holidays/days out etc if I wasn’t earning and we don’t have a mortgage or any debt.

See its not the wages that are the issue to me, you can pretty much make anything work.

But if he becomes a stay at home parent, who is going to pay his debt and the maintenence for his 3 other children?

OP of course, the lucky chosen one!

£25k isn’t enough for me as an unmarried childless woman to live off, never mind an entire family

We do it, off less. It is possible. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean others can’t.

You might find that if you have a child with this man, you really don't want to go back to work and would want to be the stay at home parent or reduce your hours. And you might really resent not having that option.

I also find it a bit worrying that he's going to happily and deliberately put himself in a position where he won't be contributing child support for his 3 other dc. That doesn't say great dad to me.

Is he a lot older than you?

And yes, it's possible to live on that money, but it's not huge amounts of fun, (and you struggle to provide things you might like to, like school trips/music lessons/hobbies for your dc). And you're always on a knife-edge of the next pay-packet.

I'd also want to know where his debt came from, and if he's any good with money.

This really isn't about the money. Life with this bloke will be crap even if your household income somehow doubles - and clearly it wouldn't be as a result of his efforts.

Lots of men don't earn much but are good partners and fathers. That's because of their attitude to life, and to responsibility. They accept that if they have children from previous relatiinships they are responsible for them still and are properly engaged emotionally and financially. They recognise their financial responsibilities to their current family and don't suggest to their partner that they should do nothing themselves whilst the woman does everything. They don't suggest further children when they haven't been responsible for the ones they already have.

People are right that it's not great to choose a man solely for his money or to class any with low incomes as not worthy of a relationship or family.....but it also right that some men are terrible partners and fathers - it's all to do with their attitude to responsibility to their partner and children. To be a decent father and partner you cannot be entirely selfish and do entirely what you want with no thought for the others. You do have responsibilities and some of these are financial. There is no getting away from it.

I have to say, only women with low self esteem would consider a relationship or baby with this kind of man. Such women seem to have a series of relationships with men like this - some are longer than others but none are satisfying. It is women who believe that a crap man is better than no man and so make their life worse by moving in these useless men and tying themselves to them by having children, often very quickly.

Op, just don't have a child with this man...it will mean that should you ever want to finish it, he will always be in your life. Even if you can't bear to leave this shining example of manhood, decide to wait at least 2 years and observe carefully how he relates to his previous family....because in all liklihood that will be you in future, receiving similar treatment. Better to avoid this.

Ensure your contraception is very good. Do not allow yourself or him to let you have an 'accident' and somehow you are pregnant. Honestly, a baby is not the answer in life and should be entirely intended.

Even if you struggle to value yourself Op, think about the life any child will have with this man as a father. Wouldn't you expect your child to have better?

His earning capacity is a red herring. If he was on £100k/year and YOU facilitated him to be a SAHD so that his other 3 kids were pitched into poverty by his choice not to work - then you need to look at your own conscience as your role in that.

How long has he been living with you? Where was he living before?

£25k isn’t enough for me as an unmarried childless woman to live off, never mind an entire family

We do it, off less. It is possible. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean others can’t.

It does depend where you live, but there's a difference in living and existing. There's got to be so much one cannot afford on a £25k salary with a family and I don't mean luxuries either.

It also really depends on how you want to live your life. I watch 'Rich house, Poor house' on TV and when I see the struggle and the things the poor families can't afford it's very sad.

It's hard to eat healthily on little money and if they have a holiday, it's things like renting a patch of grass to go camping. That kind of life would just make me depressed, but I must say, they seem quite content with it.

If you came from a family with a similar set up, it won't be any different and it would be easy to accept it.

The biggest problem with this guy isn't what he earns...it's the baggage he comes with, although the low income and lack of ambition or desire to progress would be concerning.

I agree with those saying its double standards, if it was a single mum with 3 kids on a low wage it would be different, it shouldn't be about money etc

However, it seems the OP has posted things before and it seems her bf is basically a waste of space. Which is why so many people are saying to not be with him. It's not so much his salary or that he's had children from a different relationship - which does sound like people are saying. But I think it's him they have any issue with.

Are those of you saying people advising Op to steer clear, are being prejudiced against low earners, seriously suggesting this guy sounds suitable father material on any kind of income?

Are the features Op describes about him providing so little for his previous family, having debts, wanting to stop work altogether, and already making no contribution to the household budgets not MASSIVE RED FLAGS? How can anyone say this coukd work on any amount of money?

Or do those of you making a case for this possibly working have similar partners who make no financial contribution to their own children or those from previous relationships? Do you really think that is okay?

This isn't about if people earning X are decent people. I suggest some interpreting it as that perhaps have lowish incomes and a chip on their shoulders thinking the world looks down on them. It is about whether people who beagle in a certain way are decent people.

The man referred to in this thread is not suitable breeding material and the fact anyone can read the thread and suggest it might work, terrifies me about people's judgement.

Worst case scenario, based on the evidence is that in a few years you'd be left with the children while he moved on, had more children with someone else, became a SAHD to those children and you got no CM. I'd opt out at this point, he's just too immature and irresponsible.

He's not supporting the three kids he got! He has no right to breed more and deprive all four of them!

I agree with those saying its double standards, if it was a single mum with 3 kids on a low wage it would be different, it shouldn't be about money etc

The set ups are not comparable. The OPs BF isn’t planning to move his existing 3 kids in with the OP so that he can do all of the caring for them as the main RP.

If I had a male friend or brother telling me he wanted to move in a woman with three kids who don’t live with her, who has no aspiration to ever earn and wants more kids with him I would tell him to run for the hills!!! It’s not double standards at all.

Biggest advice to Op - GET SOME VERY GOOD CONTRACEPTION.

Do not become one of those many who suddenly 'find' themselves pregnant a short way into a relationship. Do not take then view that you will be a bit slack with contraception and just see what happens - because you are secretly hoping to be pregnant but don't want to really take responsibility for it happening when it does.

So think very carefully about the baby issue and if you haven't made an active decision to have a baby with this man based on feeling he will be a good father , GET DECENT CONTRACEPTION and yourself take proper responsibility for not drifting along and suddenly finding you are pregnant.

The set ups are not comparable. The OPs BF isn’t planning to move his existing 3 kids in with the OP so that he can do all of the caring for them as the main RP.

Yes I understand that he is not trying to move his kids in full-time but they would still be there some of the time. He is also planning on being a SAHP to the OPs future kids so it would only be her wage that is being used for his previous kids and their own.

I believe the views would be different if a male posted that his gf had a child from a previous relationship and she wanted to become a SAHP to the future children.

As I said it is not the financial situation, in this case, it is the bf that people don't like because of previous posts.

FFS how would he contribute to supporting his existing kids if he were a SAHD? Is he planning on having his existing 3 50% weeks of the time if he stops work. You’d then be funding any kids you have plus 50% of his 3. Or is he just planning on ditching his responsibilities to his existing 3? Not a man I’d be proud to be with if so!

For me it isn't the amount he earns. It's the lack of wanting to better his situation. That would initially be a passion killer but would grow to a strong dislike. I've always been the main earner in our 10 years together. Usually a good 20-30% more. But as I've progressed so has he. DH has done things to actively increase his earning potential such as courses, going for promotions when suitable etc.

The lack of wanting better for himself and his family would be a huge turn off for me.

OP from your post (as well as PPs saying that you've posted others) it sounds like deep down you think that you are too good for him or you're not 100% sure of the relationship or your compatibility -

• so can I ask why are you with him? Or why you are thinking about a future with kids if he's a new boyfriend and you're having doubts about the relationship?

Or why you are thinking about a future with kids if he's a new boyfriend and you're having doubts about the relationship?

I think given the circumstances any sane person would be having doubts.

It’s not this guy earns min wage, it’s he’s already got three kids, he’s already offering to quit work, he’s already got huge debt, he’s paying fuck all for his existing kids and living off the op, spending the rest of his money to please himself, in addition he also does fuck all in the house, leaving it all to her, so that’s not going to miraculously improve when he quits work to look after any future baby.

So as much as she might be feeling all loved up, any sensible person would be thinking I might be making a massive mistake here. Which likely she is.

it sounds like deep down you think that you are too good for him

And she would be right. Most people would be too good for this guy.

So much sexism on these threads. Just imagine if the roles were reversed. If OP was the woman with three kids and a low paying job, wanting to be a stay at home mum with a partner on £25k who was happy with that arrangement. Would people be calling her a loser, a deadbeat mum, a vag-lodger with no ambition etc?