Is a single 25k salary enough for a family?

[StepMummaToBe]

Hi. I'm 26, I've got a job (25/30k) won't be much more than that for my whole career,

I've got a new boyfriend, he earns minimum wage (18ish K). He's got 3 Kids are young and don't live with us but spend school hols etc with us. He doesn't have any ambition to get a better job. He pays about £200 in child maintenance a month and has no money left so I pay for most of our living costs, he's is also in 4K worth of debt.

I'm worried for my future, will we be able to afford to have kids? I know he wants to be a stay at home dad- i would be fine with that.

I love him but this is honestly the only thing that has been worrying me recently.

I'm not silly, I know it's doable, but I'm curious for some advice to make me feel better!

Any wise words? Positive only pls 🙏🏻
X

@TinRoofRusty You're correct. 50/50 = no maintenance due from either party, regardless of income of either party.

What everyone else said. Obviously £25k is enough to raise a family on because people do it.

But that's not the nub of your situation.

What you're asking about is a guy who wants you to get pregnant and have his baby then go back to work so that he can give up work and make no financial contribution to either his existing children or the one he will have with you.

A couple of days ago you were posting that you do 90% of housework even though you are still working and he isn’t.
You are insane to even consider staying with this loser never mind having a baby with him when he pays a pittance for the children he already has

The problem is, you are viewing this is wanting to afford one child. HE CANNOT afford a fourth,
That’s the bottom line. Interesting you’ve latched on to the one poster suggesting this is a good idea (who has many, many threads on here moaning about money - this is not a coincidence)

OP - you have known him for a year and you ‘know me you will be married for the real of our lives?
This is very naive, I am sorry to say.
Ask yourself - did the mother of his 3 children think the same?Or was there some other reason she decided to keep having kids with him?

Anyway - not earning that much is one thing. But not contributing at all now seems weird. What does he do with his salary after he pays £2,400/year for child support?
He must have money left over - why is it that he doesn’t contribute?

Are you quite insecure, OP? And is having him need you financially making you feel more secure that he won’t leave?

My perspective is that he needs to be motivated. If he earns minimum wage but works full time then I think it will be ok. He also needs to be committed to working as a team with you to make sure you are working towards the best possible life for your family.

Not every one can earn a high wage, so I think it is wrong to only judge him on that.

Don’t agree to him being a sahd though. Use a childminder as it’s cheaper and see if you can work around each other’s work and shifts to decrease the childcare costs.

I think it is foolish for low and middle income couples to have a sah parent, it puts too much pressure on the earning parent and doesn’t give you a safety net if the working parent become ill/unemployed etc.

Fwiw we are not high earners but have always worked full time and we have a good lifestyle. We rent in a lovely area and have a high quality of life and good schools for the dc. We have had to be creative when the dc were small (eg between us we worked weekends and evenings as well as the working week) and decreased childcare costs that way even though it decreased family time together.

It depends on the lifestyle you want. I can't see much left to run a decent car, have a nice house and go on holidays, talk less of paying for child related expenses.

It feels like it would be quite an impoverished lifestyle.

Here we go with the double standards nonsense. It's no where near the same as mother's who are TAs. Normally these are women who actually live with their children. This waste of space doesn't live with his children, doesn't want to work and will happily stop paying maintenance.

£25k isn’t enough for me as an unmarried childless woman to live off, never mind an entire family.

i can never understand why women choose useless deadbeat dads with no motivation to better themselves, who have loads of kids as a partner and father for their children.
He already does nothing, he will continue to do nothing and will move on the second he gets bored to the next woman.
Wake up OP and smell the roses.

How are you going to feel about paying for his kids when they are with you?

Obviously with no income, he will pay no maintenance but the kids will still need paying for on his time. Are you happy to feed them, have clothes and jammies and toys at your house, pay for birthdays and Christmas and the costs of getting them to your house from their mums?

You know this is not a good situation which is why you've been posting here.

Tell yourself to stop trying to make excuses for this waste CL.

He's not the only guy in the world. Staying with him is just dragging you down, making you poorer, and preventing you from finding the right one.

Cut this one loose. Work on your career a bit more. No reason to be stuck at a salary at your age.
Find someone decent without a bunch of kids and debt.
Surely you can find a single guy that wants to settle down that makes around 30k - 40k per year with a little bit of ambition.

Think how much nicer life would be with a better partner who wants to work and does his fair share at home.
That's perfectly reasonable expectations there.

He is a new bf so whats the rush, I think you need to give your relationship more time to see how you feel about each other rather than jumping in.
It is a big step to take and you shouldn't do anything unless you are sure.
One other thing you must have know what kind of comments you would get on here, I only read the first page ( so apologies if further facts have come out) but it was usual rabid responses of men hating lot on here.
No need to find out why he has three kids or a lowly paid job- it doesn't matter whether it is due to him acting admirable or now- he is guilty on gender alone so lets all abuse him and advise you to LTB

I'm quite shocked and a little bit saddened by some of the responses on this thread.

I agree that this man should be working to support his kids - 100%. I myself was a single parent for six years (courts went 50/50 with my abusive ex-husband) and I a I worked my backside off to earn enough to privately rent somewhere suitable for my two very young kids (a small and damp two-bed was the best I could do at the time as youngest was only three) and put food on the table.

However, what I strongly do NOT agree with is comments like "Find a man who earns a decent wage, preferably in excess of xx." Say what?!!!

Imagine of it was a man posting on here about his female partner - I can pretty much guarantee this would not be said!!

As I've said previously, I was married to an extremely wealthy man. After the boys were born literally all that drove him was making money and making me feel lonely in the process. He was, and still is, a narcissitic controller. Selfish was not the word. Totally self-absorbed and cared only for material possessions - the bigger the house and the more sports cars on the drive the better. The psychological abuse and neglect scalated until I could take no more and I left. The abuse continues and sadly does to quite an extent even now, six years on.

Three years ago I met my fiancé. He works in social care doing an amazingly valuable job. The support he gives the most vulnerable in our society is humbling, and he goes above and beyond. I am so very proud of him. He earns around £18k pa.

But I recognise that we are (or at least I thought) not living in the ages where it is the role of the "good" man to earn enough to facilitate the woman choosing not to contribute much financially/not working at all.

I also work ft in education on slightly less, on around £15-£16k pa. My job involves 1:1 support for high-needs SEN children with a range of difficulties. I love what I do with a passion also.

Currently I am 36 weeks' pregnant with my third baby (fiancé's first). We don't have much money but by God we have a house of love and mutual respect. Our new daughter may not have a wardrobe full of designer clothes or holidays to the South of France every year but she will have two parents who love each other and will do they very best for her.

Who was I better off with does everybody think? Which sort of parent is better for my children?

The fact so many people in modern society still see a partner's worth simply in their earning potential is such a sad state of affairs IMO.

Would put me off that he does not do more for his existing kids.

Ten years ago my husband and I were earning similar money to that and living in the South-East of England with one child.
I wanted to have another child but it was impossible on our salaries. We moved to Australia and started over.

I've been there, OP, and he didn't even have children! I started resenting him really quick. Tbh, it's not worth it. Such a waste of time and money.

@Purpleartichoke Why would you advise that?

We live off just over that, it is doable but we don’t have a lavish lifestyle but I wouldn’t do it with this man.

We now have a generation of martyr women who think they have to do EVERYTHING; provide financially, do all the childcare and housework, and support everyone emotionally.

Meanwhile men have now been liberated from the sexist pressure to be financial providers, but they have conveniently failed to take on board that they still have to contribute by doing childcare and housework, hence a new generation of cocklodgers and losers. Yes, losers.

YES, YES. My sister an seemingly intelligent, educated women in a good job is with one of these such men. Surprising, considering she thinks herself a feminist.

On your other thread alone (he does nothing around the house while you work) I would say dump him.

Read your previous post- where you said he does nothing around the house and just lounges about in bed.

Your an idiot OP

Dear OP, you asked for advice and have received some good stuff. I know it may not be what you want to hear, but I hope that you do. Taken together (or even singly), your threads paint a dreadful picture of your boyfriend.

You are so young. Do you really want to spend the rest of what is likely to be a long life with someone as shiftless as him? You may be buzzing now, but once the new-relationship endorphins have worn off, you are caring for a child and constantly exhausted, are working FT and likely still expected to do more than your fair share of housework, you will regret the drudgery your life has become.

I have seen it happen to far too many women. I hope that you will not be one of them and that some of what has been said here sticks.

Christ op. This will get old very fast. Very fast indeed.

So he’s min wage, pays fifteen quid a week or so each to support his other kids, isn’t planning to do more to help them, given the chance will quit work and stay home depriving them totally, lives off of you, and is in a huge amount of debt compared to his earnings.

One day the rose tinted glasses will fall off and you’re going to think “fuck me, what was I thinking”.

I'm a nurse on 31k I I earn 1986 a month yes its enough i have a husband on 17k as if he gets a better job he ends up stressed and cant cope with stress. We have 2 kids and a mortgage and I am thinking of private school so 1200 and 1956 is plenty consolidate credit card using bank loan and it gets it of as I did this as u see it go down quicker get rid of the credit cards