Is a single 25k salary enough for a family?

[StepMummaToBe]

Hi. I'm 26, I've got a job (25/30k) won't be much more than that for my whole career,

I've got a new boyfriend, he earns minimum wage (18ish K). He's got 3 Kids are young and don't live with us but spend school hols etc with us. He doesn't have any ambition to get a better job. He pays about £200 in child maintenance a month and has no money left so I pay for most of our living costs, he's is also in 4K worth of debt.

I'm worried for my future, will we be able to afford to have kids? I know he wants to be a stay at home dad- i would be fine with that.

I love him but this is honestly the only thing that has been worrying me recently.

I'm not silly, I know it's doable, but I'm curious for some advice to make me feel better!

Any wise words? Positive only pls 🙏🏻
X

[Purpleartichoke]

Surely he would continue paying maintenance out of the household budget if he became a sahd. If he thinks it is ok for his children to go without, the op needs to run very far, no matter how much money she makes.

[DonnaDarko]

We're in the south east and we could survive on my wage alone (also 25k) but it would be bloody hard. There would be so many sacrifices and we would liteally only survive. Where's the fun in that.

DP and I earn the same. It wasn't always that way. Throughout most of our relationship, he's been on less. but he has always wanted to earn more and to continue building his career. I couldn't be with someone who has obviously no ambition, sorry.

[WinterCat]

Are you planning on having children with him for him to be a stay at home dad to? If so, are you really ok at the fact he is saying he doesn’t want a job to be able to contribute towards the upkeep of any of his children?

[Tootletum]

Tbh no. There is no way I would have kids with someone who already had three and didn't want to even try to better themselves. Its not just about the money, it's the attitude. Move on.

[FlowerArranger]

@TinRoofRusty..... don't hold back now, will you! I like your style

Seriously, @StepMummaToBe, change your user name, ditch this cocklodger, and don't look back!

[PickAChew]

You'd be mad. Utterly mad.

[TinRoofRusty]

Namechanged in the middle of the thread. Poor form.

LOL @ 'positivity'. What is positive about having a kid you can't afford?

He stays at home and you're going to be able to support all 3 of you and still pay £200 maintenance for his other kids? Yeah, right.

TOTALLY irresponsible to bring yet another child into this he doesn't even properly support the ones he's got, which is a lot of kids.

[TinRoofRusty]

change your user name,

She already has, in the middle of the thread.

[madcatladyforever]

No you'll never have enough for your own kids. Ditch him and look for something better.
You may as well have a well off dickhead as a poor dickhead in my opinion.
Men like him are two a penny, you can do better or at least your equal.
Sounds harsh but I've been there.

[Ontheblackhill]

OMG! Take your money and get yourself some therapy to find out why you would be attracted to such a man in the first place. He has THREE kids that he has no interest in paying for! Who buys those kids shoes, clothes,food , school trips. Why on earth did he have three kids he couldn't take care of. Is his ex wife a banker? Please do not have more children with this man. Trust me, you can do so much better. What is this man bringing to the party? Nothing! In the nicest possible way please drop the cocklodger and access some support for your self esteem so you can find a man that's worthy of your love .

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

No no no!
So straight away you’ve resigned yourself to never earning more, never being a SAHM and taking on someone else’s kids...why?! Such low standards across your whole life.
Is 25k enough to support a family- no not really, not if you want your own home, a nice holiday occasionally, oh and have to fork out for his kids when they are with you.

[isitspringyet23]

If he was a stay home dad he wouldn't be contributing to his first three children.... how is that fair??

He NEEDS to work to support his children.

[the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown]

Honestly I think you'd lose yourself. Although money isn't everything, in many ways money helps us to explore who we are and do the things we love for us. The little money you have would be spent on keeping a home and taking care of your family.. nothing left over for the most important woman in your life.. you! And as previous posters have said this could lead to extreme resentment.

[RainMinusBow]

@Ottie2020 Personally speaking I think realistically if one half of the partnership is on a lowish wage and with a family, then both parents need to be working. I will certainly be returning to work in some capacity after mat leave. It's about teamwork.

However, would I swap my wealthy abusive ex for a far lower-earning partner who loves me and the kids? Err...never!

Financially it's tough, we rent a three-bed and go without what others may see as "necessary" e.g. nice holidays, lots of meals out etc...

But... I am not told what to do, I am not controlled, I am not told I am useless, I can be me, I am not living in constant fear.

I know some women may stay for financial reasons/so they don't have to work etc, but I am not one of them.

Having had money but no love and now love but far less money, I'd choose my current situation hands down.

[Campurp]

It Seems that you’re in the habit of collecting red flags.
3 children from a previous relationship- Check
Paying the bare minimum in maintenance- Check
Has existing debt- Check
Is happy for you to pay more than your share- Check
Wants to give up work so you support him, 3 existing kids, 1 new child and keep every fed, dry and watered- Check!

Run like the wind!

[JustOneSquareofDarkChocolate]

Sounds disastrous on such a low income, steer clear

[Walnutwhipster]

Not only would you be facilitating him being a cocklodger, you'd also be allowing this waster to shaft his existing children and their mother.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Get rid of him. No man is worth that.

[NoSquirrels]

Any wise words? Positive only pls

Will have to say nothing then, I guess.

You already know. Listen to what your gut is telling you.

[MyDaughtersLeftFoot]

He will be clearing £1300 ish after dedications. That’s £1100 after CM. He’s not going to be paying back even half of that to debtors as £4K is a relatively small debt. What does he spend his money in and why do you pay for everything??

[WombatChocolate]

To be honest, this all suggests you have low self esteem. You are doing okay on your own and should aim for better. Listen to what you've said about him and consider if he really is lomg term partner or father of your child material.

He already has 3 kids with another woman and doesn't really support them properly
He earns very little but has no motivation to increase that, despite already having 3 kids, living in your house which generates costs - so he isn't self supporting, plus is happy to consider more
Wants to be a stay at home Dad - ie not go to work so you have to be the sole breadwinner for the family and presumably fund what he owes the other family or to justify the amount given to them falling.

Really - don't you think you and your future children deserve better? He is a waster and hasn't managed to make it work with his previous partner meaning 3 kids are now without their Dad and might well leave you in the same position..or stuck with him. Not sure if it would be worse to be stuck with him or for him to leave you with a child alone.

Forget the children at the moment issue. Get some self esteem and realise you deserve better and your future children certainly do too.

Or is it all a wind up?

[Nighttimefreedom]

I look after me, and 2 kids on that in a cheap part of the country. But it's a stretch, wouldn't be much fun with an extra adult to pay for never mind 2 more children.
Honestly, this is not a good person to settle down with.
I'm not saying he's necessarily a bad person in general, but be wise making this choice. You'll be stuck with him for life and resentment is a killer.

[CherryPavlova]

He’s a new boyfriend but you’re thinking of children?
He’s not willing to earn a living wage?
He’s already fathered three children and left them?
He’s willing to reduce his income and assuredly reduce his commitment to his children?

He’s definitely not a good catch. Aim higher. Aim higher for yourself and be a bit more ambitious in your career aspirations. Then find a partner who you share cote values with, who comes without baggage and who wants to commit to you. You’ve time enough to find a more suitable partner.

[WombatChocolate]

It's not really the income that makes me say run for the hills - it is him. If his income were low but he was trying to do better and was taking financial responsibility, it might be different.

Look at how he treats his ex and the children both personally and financially. This kind of man can leave a string of women with babies behind him. Don't let yourself be one of them.

[Tulipstulips]

I wouldn’t leave him for being ambitious. Not everyone can be a high achiever, and for some, other things are more important. However, in saying that, I wouldn’t have a child with him, when he already has three - how will he pay maintenance if he becomes a SAHD? Would you pay it? Or would his existing children have to go without?