Is a single 25k salary enough for a family?

[StepMummaToBe]

Hi. I'm 26, I've got a job (25/30k) won't be much more than that for my whole career,

I've got a new boyfriend, he earns minimum wage (18ish K). He's got 3 Kids are young and don't live with us but spend school hols etc with us. He doesn't have any ambition to get a better job. He pays about £200 in child maintenance a month and has no money left so I pay for most of our living costs, he's is also in 4K worth of debt.

I'm worried for my future, will we be able to afford to have kids? I know he wants to be a stay at home dad- i would be fine with that.

I love him but this is honestly the only thing that has been worrying me recently.

I'm not silly, I know it's doable, but I'm curious for some advice to make me feel better!

Any wise words? Positive only pls 🙏🏻
X

Are his kids to different women?

I personally would steer clear. He sounds like he’s up for a free ride staying at home sitting on his ass whilst you go out to work. You’ve said yourself he has no ambition to get a better job and has no money.

Sounds like a free loader. Don’t get tied down to this person. He will just drain you of money to pay for kids that aren’t yours. I’m sure he has his own habits he prioritises over household bills

According to your other thread, he doesn’t do anything around the house either so you would be working and financially supporting him and your child and his children and coming home to do all the housework too (or getting up early to do it while he stays in bed which is what you do now.)

What’s quite funny here is the horror almost every pp has that a woman might marry a teaching assistant with kids already. Would we have any of these comments if the sexes were reversed?

Where did you see mention of them getting married? Sounds like this guy had a history of creating single mothers and leaving them with children he barely financially supports. He’s paying about £15/week per child.

Based on the OP’s previous posts about this prince, I’m guessing the 3 children are from 2 previous relationships.

If the sexes were reserved, I can guarantee you that in 99.9999 times out of 100, the woman will have her children living with her, and wouldn’t be leaving her existing children in a situation where they’re even more financially insecure.

To break it down for you- if this man goes on to have 4+ children and no income, he won’t be able to contribute to any of them financially. OP, on her salary, won’t be able to contribute to the maintenance for the first 3.

But he can walk away from her and whatever number of children they have, pay his £10/15 a week (though likely to be a lot less if he’s not working) and move on to the next fool with a warm bed, and a fucked-up idea of what normal relationships look like.

OP- have a look at yourself and what has gone on in your life that makes you think a man like this is the best you can do. A lot of issues like this come from what you’ve seen with your own parents.

Why don't you suggest that when you have kids he keeps his job and you become the SAHP? Then you might see his true colours.

What is he spending his money on if you pay for most of the living costs and he's only paying £200 in maintenance.

As others have asked how would he pay that child maintenance if he wasn't working?
Are you going to pay it?

Also something to remember is that if he's a stay at home dad then in the event of a relationship break down he might have a good chance at getting full custody and you would only get weekend access.
You'd have to pay maintenance to him then and he still wouldn't pay for his other 3 children!!

Why on earth are your standards so low?
What do you want us to tell you? Do you think we have some kind of magic wand to give you to turn him from a loser into someone who is financially responsible and pulls his weight with housework?!

This thread is so pointless. You will stay with him, soon you’ll deliver baby number 4 for him, and be stuck. If that’s the future you want then crack on. No point in worrying whether £25k will be enough. It will be shit either which way.

You're a teacher so clearly intelligent. Is this man really the bar you have set for yourself? You are so young and can do better - dump him.

You are 26 - your whole life is ahead of you Pick a good one- this one will be a permanent struggle for you.

Run fast and v far away. I’m 27 and spent 4 years in a relationship with someone who sounds just like your bf. I was £10k in debt when I left him after supporting him and his children and for various reasons he was hell to leave but now, another four years on, I’ve paid my debts and have a flourishing career. When I think of him, I thank God we never had children together. This is not a man you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life. You can do better, and you will do better. Be brave and ditch him.

@Namechangewhy - the horror from pp is not confined to him becoming a sahd. There have been plenty pps calling him a loser and “unambitious”. The attitude to women who work as teaching assistants is hugely different. Could you imagine anyone calling them losers? Does anyone say those things about women who don’t contribute financially to their children?

I’m not saying ops dp is great but there are some huge double standards at play here.

You do know that if he isn't interested in giving his current children the best standard of living possible, he won't be bothered about future children either....?

I'd call it a day. You are far too young to be subsidising a boyfriend with three children.

Find someone else. X

The attitude to women who work as teaching assistants is hugely different. Could you imagine anyone calling them losers? Does anyone say those things about women who don’t contribute financially to their children?

He's a loser because paying £66/month for each of three children and now wants to dodge working entirely to father another child he cannot afford and completely abscond from paying a bean to support all 4 them. He doesn't even pay for his own living expenses and, predictably, does nigh on FA in the house he doesn't even pay to live in.

Here's another positive response for you: You are better than this. You really are. You deserve better.

I had one of these men, but I was too keen on being all open minded and "hey, money's not everything, we're not slaves to The Man", to realise what an utter hole I'd fallen into. My husband bled me dry financially, did fuck-all in the house while I worked full-time, and ohhhh didn't his eyes just light up at the suggestion of having a child and him being a stay-at-home dad while I went back to work after two weeks. Thankfully, we didn't have a child.

As others have said, it's not about the salary level. It's about his track record and his attitude towards supporting his children and his partner.

To answer your question, £25k is enough if you're a real partnership with each pulling their weight and taking responsibility, rather than one doing all the work and the other just free-riding. A stay-at-home parent in a £25k income household needs to be really quite smart, industrious and canny to make the most of the family budget. Is he?

What makes you think that he will stay with you, even if you have more children

He doesn't sound like someone who will stick around

@TinRoofRusty - how many women share 50/50 care and don’t pay much maintenance? Especially if they are teaching assistants?

He should really be taking the lead in looking after his children given that he is a teaching assistant. But we don’t know that he isn’t.

I don’t think all the vitriol directed at him for not earning much or wanting to be a sahp is fair unless you would say the same to a woman.

He’s a useless lazy fucker.
Don’t waste your life.

Oh shut up with the double standards bullshit.
Our whole society is based on double standards, it's called PATRIARCHY. The odds are stacked in favour of men to the detriment of women.

We now have a generation of martyr women who think they have to do EVERYTHING; provide financially, do all the childcare and housework, and support everyone emotionally.

Meanwhile men have now been liberated from the sexist pressure to be financial providers, but they have conveniently failed to take on board that they still have to contribute by doing childcare and housework, hence a new generation of cocklodgers and losers. Yes, losers.

Now obviously not all women, not all men, yadda yadda, but this is the dynamic we are talking about in the OP's relationship, and I see it time and time again on mumsnet.

This guy has financially irresponsible written all over him; low earner with no debts and barely supporting the children he already has.

A man who claims to want to be a SAHP while completely failing to do any housework (leaving his working partner to do it all) is taking the fucking piss.

@CayrolBaaaskin Nobody has to pay anything if it's 50/50. Even if they are a multi-millionaire!

low earner with debts

I mean, yes, it's quite obvious that 25k is 'enough' to keep a family safe and healthy considering a lot of the population do just that.

However, this guy? No. Girl. No.

I don’t think all the vitriol directed at him for not earning much or wanting to be a sahp is fair unless you would say the same to a woman.

I would if that meant she then completely skived out of supporting 3 kids to have yet another 1 she and her partner couldn't afford. How's the £200/month maintenance going to be paid with the partner isn't working, via the OP's magical £25k that has to also support the 3 of them? He's not 50/50 if he's paying maintenance