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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ending an affair before it starts

335 replies

notabadperson · 16/09/2007 23:11

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

OP posts:

mangomango · 24/12/2007 23:17

Hvae been watching this thread for months now and couldn't bring myself to post becuse this is me too. Never expected it to happen have a dh and two dc thought I was happily married and wham met OM three years ago. He is in a relationship too and we are struggling so hard with it, have tried so many times to walk away and it nevers works. Nothing has happened between us but it's getting harder for it not to.Feel so sad today about it and feel so god damn lonely which is mad.

Original poster

notabadperson · 27/12/2007 22:48

Not expecting anything other than criticism here, but need to share my feelings with someone and it can't be anyone in RL. To summarise this thread: I am genuinely happily married and a lot of soul searching over the last few months confirms this. Feelings towards someone I've known a long time, also happily married, have developed and it's been hard cos both of us love and respect our partners. bottom line, have kept away from him for months. For all I've had a great Christmas with my DH and DCs, can't help feeling almost jealous of him and his DW/DCs having a wonderful Christmas together. I know that's unreasonable and wouldn't wish him anything else. Please don't rush in and criticise, just needed to get this off my chest.

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Original poster

notabadperson · 27/12/2007 22:50

mangomango, just seen your post after posting my last bit, have kept away from this thread for obvious reasons. In another life, I'd have hated women like you and me, now I know it could happen to anyone. Hope you're ok......

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mangomango · 28/12/2007 00:17

Hi notabadperson thanks for asking don't really think I've got any right to be asked how I am, feel so crap. But like you, have wonderful dh and dc can't believe I'm in this situation and still in it. We're really struggling at the moment and are both just trying not to think about it which I don't think is overly helpful. Haven't been in contact for two days which is a bit of a record for us. So hard... not asking for any sympathy. Like you feel so jealous of his gf spending Christmas with him. Don't know why I can't just be happy with what I've got.

Original poster

notabadperson · 28/12/2007 09:22

When I'm having a weak moment, I re-read this thread as a reminder of what could happen if I don't stay strong and take strength from the overwhelming consensus as to what needs to be done. Really appreciate everyone's support. I keep away from this thread when feeling OK, sorry if anyone has posted/posts in future and I seem to be ignoring it.

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HappyWoman · 28/12/2007 14:26

I think you are doing amazingly well. You can congratulate yourselves that you have had the courage to search your soul before removing your knickers!!!! I admire women like you and frankly we need more of you in the world.

It is all too easy to expect everything we want. There are so many self help books saying we should focus on what we want and then just go for it. I tend to disagree in that although we all deserve to be happy that is not at the expence of anyone else.

I am sure it is hard for you but i really hope you can see this for what it is - a bit of fantasy.

Wishing you all the best for the new year.

MayDeclove · 25/01/2008 19:18

Just found this thread today. I too am in an affair that I know I have to end. Besides the fact that I am 24 years older than him(51 / 27) we are both married. We have talked endlessly about the fact that we both know that this would never work even if we were both single. We agree that in another life if the same age and single that we would have been the love of each other's life.
We are in love and yet we know it has to end. We too have tried several times and always come back to each other. We have never had sex, however the emotional bond is overwhelming. It truly has controlled my life for the past 4+ months. I know I need to end this but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Could use some help!!!

Original poster

notabadperson · 24/02/2008 17:15

Had been doing really well, thought I'd got over it and away from the situtation. Am struggling again, thanks to his getting in contact and saying he's struggling as much as I am . I need a kick up the backside to keep away.

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HappyWoman · 24/02/2008 20:36

Why would he tell you he is stuggling - he is manipulating you to feel sorry for him - try and resist and tell yourself that.

go back and read and re-read the thread and any others you can find.

You know this is wrong and you know you are better than that.

crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 10:22

Me too - in total same situation, but I'm not strong

Original poster

notabadperson · 25/02/2008 10:25

Wise words HappyMum, you're right, re-reading this post and other posts reminding how damaging this can be for all concerned is helpful. CrappityCrap - we do need to stay strong, too many people will get hurt otherwise. Every time I read a post about someone's DP having an affair or what's happened when a poster has had an affair does help my resolve. But not easy. Thanks for listening.

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crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 10:35

NABP - I ended it, I was so miserable, I couldn't do anything, I did everything I could to stay strong. But then he called, I cracked. I love him, he gives me what DH doesn't (affection, support), it's hard isn't it

pedilia · 25/02/2008 10:41

I discovered my DH had an'emotional' affair 18 months ago while I was pregnant with DD. It deastated our family and has changed our marriage forever, although our marriage is back on track it will never be the same as it was before the affair.

I am not here to jusge anyone but if you are at the point where you are going to have an affair then why not leave or do something about your marriage? The pain you are feeling will be nothing to the devastation his DW and your DH will feeln should this all come out. You and OM have had and made choices, your DH and his DW have not and are the ones thst will suffer the most. But I think you know this already and please don't forget the impact is not just on the adults invovled but also the children.

Madame- I agree with your first post, i know people who are married but have an open relationship, just a different interpretation on a marriage.
I know of an older couple who had an open marriage, they both had short/long term relationships while married but kept it out of the house so to speak. They are now retired and children have left home, they actually realised that they do love each other very much and are very happy with just each other for comapny as they enjoy their lives.

HappyWoman · 25/02/2008 10:48

Please give your h some respect and set him free to make his own life - surely that is the least you would expect of him.

You and nabp are not evil but you both know that what you are doing is wrong and the way to at least not be quite so 'bad' is to do the right thing and give your partners the choice to do what they want.

This is where you are imo being 'evil'

Yes it is hard and you will be hurt but by continuing to do this you are not just making a mistake you are actively hurting another person and if you can justify that to yourself then i do think you are bad. I know affairs happen and there are so many reasons but you both now have enough evidence to KNOW what you are doing is wrong.

JUST DO THE RIGHT THING - you have no right to control your partners lives - whether it is 'love' or not.

HappyWoman · 25/02/2008 10:52

cc - you were so miserable - then why have you stayed in your marriage? Are you really so weak - if you are then you really do not deserve any sympathy.

There are lots of posts here about strong woman who are to be admired who have left their husbands to make themselves happy (even if it has caused them hardship).

I cannot think of any reason you can give me for continueing what you are doing.

I am trying not to be judgemental by the way.

crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 10:52

Thanks Pedilia, I know it's wrong, really I do. OM is single. I have asked DH to go to Relate but he's not interested, I have told him how I feel about our relationship and he seems to think that by running me a bath and making me a cup of tea everything is okay.

He is a good dad to our DC's and that's what makes me stay. I couldn't bear for them to be without him. He isn't a nasty man, he has never done anything against me, but he shows no emotion which makes him seem uncaring, and he cares about work far too much for a family man. He also has a way of making me not feel worthy of him.

OM makes me feel special, I have known him for years and years but never told each other how we feel until now. I think it's how he makes me feel that is addictive.

I hate my situation, it is making me ill to be honest and I know I have to stop.

crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 10:53

Mangomango - how are you going?

pedilia · 25/02/2008 11:00

cc- then maybe it is time to think about ending the marriage? Could you and DH have some time apart to give you both time to really decide what you want.
It must be very frustrating to be in a relationship where one person does appear not to care.
DH was like this, he would show me he loved me in a practial way which is great but there are times you need more than that.
If there was anything positive to come out of the past 2 years it is that DH can now show/share his emotions.

I hope this situation is resolved, for everyones sake. As I see it you are the only one that can move this forward one way or another, you have to make and stick to a decision beofre any more lives are made miserable.

HappyWoman · 25/02/2008 11:01

Would you happy to think your h was staying with you because you were a good mum and he was scared to upset the family?

How would you feel if he felt the same as you? That you did not satisfy him as he needed?

You would expect him to have enough respect for you to give you the chance to find someone who would 'love' you completely, the way you deserve.

There are such things as open marriages - why can you not allow your h to get some of his emotional needs meet elsewhere.

Maybe your h does not know how near he is to losing you.

How would you feel if you got 'caught' and ended up losing it all even though you had no control over it?

crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 11:04

Thanks Pedilia, I would love for my DH to at least talk about his feelings, but he has this cold exterior, I'm pretty sure he must feel something underneath.

I would love to resolve it, I'd love to be happy and content with my DH once again.

I don't want to be with OM at all, I just like the way he makes me feel.

crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 11:10

HW - I am reading and reading again what you are saying and I know it's all true, thank you.

I found out my XH was having an affair when DS1 was a baby. We had been together 9 years. I was strong enough to leave then. I knew the marriage was over anyway. So, I do know what it's like to be on the receiving end of an affair.

I don't think I can end another marriage. It's the effect it would have on the DC's. But at the same time I want respect and comfort from my DH. I have told him this for the last two years. He really doesn't get it

pedilia · 25/02/2008 11:28

could you write DH a letter explaing exactlty how you feel and really make it clear that things have to change and is there any way you can support him to do this?

crappitycrap · 25/02/2008 12:59

Yes, I think that is a good idea, Pedilia.

Would be easier than trying to get him to listen anyway. I tried booking us a weekend away on our own, cinema trips while mum had the kids etc, but I can always tell his mind is ticking over about work.

HappyWoman · 25/02/2008 16:51

CC
Hope you do get it sorted with h but if not then you can make the brave move knowing you have done everything to save the marriage and not destroy it in the most hurtful and cowardly way.

Wish you lots of luck

Original poster

notabadperson · 05/03/2008 18:29

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