ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

I think the point in time when you can go back to being just mates is when the thought of having any kind of intimate contact with him (ie snogging or anything onwards) feels odd, or amusing rather than appealing. It is possible to get to that stage - are there any XPs of yours that you are on friendly terms with but can't quite imagine that you ever saw them naked?

Madamez, that is an incredibly wise way of looking at things. Thanks

HTH. Got to go to bed now...

MrsStresshead, no matter that OP is a few months back, and I really appreciate your input. I know you are right. It's just that it is a great friendship that turned in to something else, and am hoping that one day I can recover the friendship, without the immoral bits, IYSWIM

Have just come across this although I know it's from a while back. I don't have much to add to what everyone else has said, just that I know how painful this kind of situation is, especially when you didn't 'mean' to fall for someone else. I got emotionally involved with someone else before DH and I had kids. I went through a very long time (ie. years) of soul-searching and almost destroyed myself, my friendships, my family relationships in the process. I haven't had contact with this man for over two years now, but I think of him every day and regret the pain that was caused to all three of us who were involved.

You are being very brave and strong by knowing that the right thing is to cut contact and end what hasn't begun, despite how miserable it makes you feel. It is easier (in the short term) to take the other option and be selfish. I don't know you, but I wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way I did.

Me too, just found this. A lot of us have been involved in affairs from all sides - I was an 'other woman' and am not proud of it, I consented to a lot of lies told by him to his (wonderful and not torn apart) family, I didn't walk away, I always found it too painful and was a selfish coward not to do so. I was stupid and naive and believed he loved me - so did his wife, of course.

My feeling would be that there is something in you which wants attention, and like Indulgeme says that can be far removed from the constant that is your commitment to your husband.
You will need to find some way of dealing with that need, repressing it or taking some other approach - analysis for instance can often disarm a threatening impulse - I am amazed at your strength so far, and wish you well with your chosen course of action.

I do not know if I would have such strength but then I have never had a husband I loved - well any sort of husband - the man I loved who was married, left his wife and then left me for somebody else shortly after.
The worst thing about any of these situations was the lying, I think. I was heartbroken when he left me, nothing compared to what his original family must have endured, but a glimpse of their pain. I felt I deserved it. I didn't ever blame the other person he eventually settled with, and I didn't blame him for loving her rather than me, but I did blame him for lying to me and had he been honest from the day he met me, things might have been far less damaging for everyone.

Good luck x

nabp

I know this is quite an old post, but this mirrors the few details that I know about a relationship DH admitted to last week and I have taken a lot of support from the way in which you have approached this - thank you.

DH has got close to someone over the last few months. He assures me that it's been 'limited' to hugs, kisses and emotional support, which I believe - he is someone of great integrity (honestly!.

Interestingly I was reassured at first by the fact that they'd not had sex. Subsequently however I feel just as betrayed, because he has crossed a line. I have an excellent book by Relate which says that an affair is any relationship which stands to hurt the unknowing partner - whether that is kisses, full sex, or simply an emotional closeness with a sexual undercurrent. Personally I think you are being very mature to admit to it being an affair, rather than trying to say it's not, because it's not gone 'very far'.

I know that both DH and I have contributed to the fact that he felt unable to ask me for the emotional support he needed and which led to him finding it elsewhere. I know he did not seek this out. He accepts that he must shoulder the responsibility for crossing the line. I also believe him when he says that the OW is also deeply confused and didn't seek this out. It is a relationship that started platonically and became more.

DH has set up a meeting with her to break off contact whilst we try to sort things out at Relate.

You obviously know what you have to do and I admire you for doing it. I am trying to have compassion for DH at the moment, and for the OW and really hope that she is going to behave as you are doing.

Thanks to all who have posted and given support. I never, ever thought I'd find myself in this position. I am still so in love with my DH. I know "mr X" is still in love with his wife, and we have cried together about how on earth we ever got into this. So, for those of you who have been on the receiving end of an affair/near affair, please understand it isn't all about unselfish pleasure. Sometimes, it's just wrong place, wrong time and you meet someone who in another life you might have ended up married to. It's getting easier as time goes on, still miss him dreadfully but thankfully circumstances don't throw us together. i know also that I wouldn't want to risk my, or his, marriage because they are tried, tested and still solid. Not sure why I am writing all this, I guess cos I read posts from people whose other halves have had affairs. i'm just trying to say we aren't all bad, selfish people. Sometimes, it just happens. Anyway, thanks for not being judgemental and standing by me!

having just read through the last few posts it has helped me to see things differently so thanks to all the ow who have posted. my h still has to work with ow and i find it very difficult - i thought i could handle it and that time would help. They were good friends for a long time - years, and i dont want him to ever even like her again. I know i have allowed this contact and so should expect what may happen but i hate it. I cant understand how she can still work with him too though.
I wish i had been strong enough to insist on no further contact even if that meant sacrificing his career.
Be wary of the 'meeting' to end it with the other woman. I think it is a classic trait of men to be seen as decent. He owes her nothing and you everything. If it was me i would insist on going too as i fear it could only lead to more lies and you 'having' to believe him.

don't see him, don't talk to him, don't text him

won't stop you fantasizing though! but that's not totally unhealthy.
the closeness you describe is the breach of trust. Not the attraction.

I totally agree with madamez, but not for myself.
If that hapened to me severance would be the only way forward.

nabp you are right - it sometimes is a matter of 'another lifetime', not just selfishness. What is important is that you recognise how solid and important your marriage is, and that will help you move forward. My suggestion would be to try, however painful you think it might be, to investigate some of the issues in your marriage that might have led you to get close to someone else and try to work on those with your DH, knowing that this is to move you forward and make you stronger, not to work out whether to split up.

You are handling it brilliantly - I handled my situation appallingly and in a very childish way. This has led to a lot of unhappiness since as I have said. The pain of this will never fully leave you, but in a year, two years, five years you and your DH will be in a better place. At least you and the OM recognise this and are able to see the sadness and yet care and respect enough about one another and your marriages not to create carnage.

Good luck, and keep telling yourself you are doing the right thing.

NABP I had been wondering about how you were. I have now not been in touch with the "other man" for nearly 8 weeks and it still hurts, but I am so pleased I haven't been.

I am at the stage of wondering whether we were ever friends - I did think we were but am beginning to realise that maybe we weren't. I think that is the bit that is hurting the most. Which in some ways is good.

Thanks again for all your support. Know to come here when I have a weak/sad moment, much safer than turning to "mr x", which isn't the sensisble thing to do. You've all really helped me stay strong, your wise words make so much sense, no doubt I'll be back again sometime.

I've only just found this thread and am going to carry it about with me as am in same position and feel you are very brave to post on this. I HAVE got relationship issues with DH, but he doesn't as far as I can see, and they have small babies. I have to work with him closely for the next 4 months so am going to need to be very strong. I have been attracted to him for the past year and have spent much of it living up to my temporary nickname, as well as going to Relate, trying to revamp my relationship with DH, and all that. Intellectually I understand that I would be an utter idiot to throw everything away, and worse, to hurt his DW and their babies, but emotionally I am totally screwed. Before this happened I was widly judgmental and highhorsish about anyone who fell off the monogamy wagon. Now I am just messed up.

I think you are being very strong and you should be proud of yourself.

Unfortunately, I am one of the statistics in that it was me that had the affair (work colleage - still work together but will comment more on that later), I got found out by husband, was forgiven, re-started affair (thought I could get away with it - my excuse was that my H was not that bothered), got found out again. Finished affair. All forgiven, life carried on.

1 year later (and new baby) husband decided that all the time he felt anger towards the other man, it was in fact me that he felt anger towards and he didn't like me, couldn't forgive me and had to leave ... and he did leaving me with 3 children.

The other man still works in the same company, we still see each other around the office and sometimes I go out for lunch with him, just as friends (and that is honestly all it is).

We spent a lot of time together obviously and there is definitely a friendship there but nothing else (not on my part anyway).

He is still 'happily' married and I lost everything over the affair and am still paying the price today (6 years later).

H sees the children every week, takes them on holiday, etc. and has a fantastic relationship with them but it breaks my heart (if I think about it too much) that he doesn't want to be with me/love me/respect me/even 'like' me. I know I put myself in the situation that I am now in and this is the price I will pay for the rest of my life.

I still love my H, respect him, etc. but this is all too late for me now and I know I only have myself to blame.

My H does know this and says to me that he feels I will never move on emotionally until I can forgive myself for what I did. He has moved on, is now living with another woman (again, a work colleague of his but he didn't get with her until after he left me - or so he says - but lets not dwell on that).

The other man would quite happily carry on where we left off (albeit 6 years ago) but I would NEVER go that route again, even though I am no longer with my H I would not do to the other man's wife what I did to my husband - broke his heart basically.

I (nor my H) ever thought of telling the other man's wife because why would we split up their marriage just because ours was splitting (and, anyway, as far as we knew she might have known about the affair and turned a blind eye).

Reading all this makes me feel so sad. Bumblelion, I'm sorry things ended for you the way they did, but at least your H was able to tell you how your affair made him feel and do what was right for him. Mine is completely unable to discuss his feelings about the OM (even though it's years ago now), and although we have moved on in many senses there is still a huge gulf between us in relation to that part of our life, especially as I pretty much had a break down as a result of all that had happened.

I love him and am committed to him, but I often despair at us ever getting back on track, especially with two small children to contend with, and just feel that his inability to face up to his feelings and fully trust me with them will never be fully resolved. I also worry constantly about the effect of this unspoken pain on our children in years to come. Obviously we don't need to tell them, but I know inside that it's never really been properly laid to rest.

You do truly pay for the rest of you life. The guilt is terrible. And you never regain the person you were who was horrified at the thought of even looking at another man let alone destroying trust and love. I think I mourn her just as much as my relationship with my DH and the 'other life' one with the OM. I really hope you won't do that to yourself NABP.

what do you want him to do Emily?
Was it a long time ago?

Thanks to all of you who admit to having an affair. I am the wife who is trying to rebuild our marriage. He has said and done all the right things but i too still feel there is something 'unsaid' or unfinished about it all. I know i must move on too and i truely believe my h is so very very sorry for all the pain and hurt he has caused his own and her family. She has pretty much lost everything.

I feel i cannot bring it up all the time - even when i get angry as i am making him feel guilty all over again which is not my intention at all.

Anyway thankyou for helping me to understand that he can be truely sorry, as that is what i am having trouble with.

have been doing really well. Back on an even keele now. Last time we were together was September and both agreed to focus our energies back on our marriages and to forget about each other. That went reasonably well. Rememeber, we were really good mates before all of this. We now feel that we can meet up just as friends. Can this work, or should we leave well alone?

Pros and cons for whatever you do. Not sure what to suggest. Am sure others will have some ideas.

leave well alone -years before just friends

Hi nabp, sorry I missed your messages in November.

How are you doing now?