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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ending an affair before it starts

335 replies

notabadperson · 16/09/2007 23:11

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

OP posts:
gorgeousfeebie · 17/09/2007 09:33

NABP my heart goes out to you & I hope you are on the way to recovery, big hugs.

MellowMa · 17/09/2007 09:36

Message withdrawn

Hurlyburly · 17/09/2007 09:37

Mellow - sad for you
NABP - clean break NOW and get this man out of your head

HappyWoman · 17/09/2007 10:17

Oh poor mellow - that is the trouble people do get incredible hurt with these things, which is why the poster is asking for our help. I am sorry you got hurt, i have been too recently.

I try not to get on my high-horse too much but it makes my blood boil to think that anyone can hurt someone so much.

I see it from the inocent wifes point of view (although i have been tempted in the past - but as everyone has advised called it off), and can not stress enough how much pain it has caused for everyone.

Affairs are nothing more than selfish and cowardly, if there is a problem in a relationship then you owe it to all involved to try and solve it, not go after some quick fix just to make yourself feel better.

I really hope the poster has more respect for herself and ends it.

Original poster
notabadperson · 17/09/2007 10:20

Thanks to all who have posted. Especially MellowMa, not sure what to say to you except avoiding the pain you and others writing about partners' affairs on here have experienced is exactly what this thread is about. Neither of us want to split up from or hurt our partners & DCs. This isn't about anything being wrong with our marriages,we didn't go looking for it, it just happened. Madamez, I genuinely believe in monogamy, I have no desire to have "more than one man", hence being pretty shocked by what is happening to me. Yes, I am pretty far gone, keep telling myself that this is how I felt about DH all those years ago and that I am gambling a much deeper love gained over many years for something potentially destructive. I know what I need to do. Not looking for sympathy, just the strength to get through this.

OP posts:
ShinyHappySchmooo · 17/09/2007 10:30

You have the strength NAPB. Just do what needs to be done and do it properly. The strength to handle the aftermath will come.

lilolilmanchester · 17/09/2007 10:36

Agree with ShinyHappy. You know what you have to do, but I can see it's not going to be easy for you, we're here to support you when you need it. I have a friend who was in your situation, and know how tough it was for her and made me see that not all affairs involve heartless selfish people. Good luck.

Riss70 · 17/09/2007 11:13

from the perspective of someone who found out her husband had a one night stand - I am not sure that I will get over it or that I will ever forgive him and I am not sure that I will remain married to him - we are trying to get through ti attending counselling.

We have three children and at present (some 4 months on) I am only working through this for the sake of them.

The heart ache it will cause if you do not find the fortitude to stop this before it starts is huge and ongoing and it will not effect onyl you and he and your partners

good luck and I hope you can find the focus to do the right thing

Imabadperson · 17/09/2007 11:37

Agree with others that cold turkey is best. It's the only way that works, and it does work.

I have been in 3 different situations, first was a proper affair, never had the courage or strength do to the cold turkey situation, then changes in circumstances forced it, and it worked pretty quickly.
Second one was a sort-of affair, mostly emotional, I initiated cold turkey myself, it was very hard but the right thing to do, it worked well for me, less well for him.
Third one was very similar to you, this time it was him who made the break before it really started, and I was upset but after not very long at all was relieved he had had the strength and pleased nothing had happened.

(Wow, just read that back - I'm awful aren't I? Am v happy with DH now though, that's all in the past)

Good luck anyway, hope you manage it.

HappyWoman · 17/09/2007 12:15

I am not saying people in affairs are selfish people as such just that the sheer act of it is selfish - this is not a black and white matter.

With regaurds to their being nothing wrong with either of your marriages - well it is not exactly what it is suppossed to be either is it - would you like to think your H was on the verge of an affair and still thought you 2 were happy.

I sort of agree with Madamez in that you do not have to be monogomous to be happy - maybe that is what you are really stuggling with. We would all like to think of ourselves as such - otherwise why go through with a 'forsaking all other' ceremony. But maybe you have now realised that you can be happy with more than one partner. Now if its ok for you but not for your H then that is where i think you are not being fair.

My problem with the whole 'affair' thing is the lies it causes - if all parties know about it then everyone has a choice of what they want to do. People in affairs lie to their partners because they want to control the situation and this in any situation is not fair and is often why emotions run so high.

Dahlia7 · 17/09/2007 13:12

I've just logged on looking for some support and seen your thread notabadperson. This weekend I found out that my partner of 5 years developed an intense infatuation with a girl he met on a work trip a year and a half ago. Although (i think) they never had sex, he fell in love with her (and delcared it) and had a great deal of contact, they met twice more over a period of about 4 months. I'm not sure why it ended - i think she was mindful of me and didn't have the same intensity of feelings. He also came to his senses I think. However, he is still in contact (through work) and still badly wants to rekindle the friendship as it was initially. Notabadperson, I feel devastated, even though I know it was akin to a teenage crush or holiday romance. I have seen a different side to him and don't know if I'll ever be able to forget it. I feel betrayed, and very hurt and now doubt the strength of his feelings for me even though our past year has been happy and loving. Please finish this relationship now if you truly love your husband. My partner also feels devasted at how stupid he was to let himself get so carried away. I do realise we are all human but fear our relationship will never be the same again.

Original poster
notabadperson · 17/09/2007 13:36

Dahlia7, so sorry you are going through this, just confirms what I know I need to do. For me, and probably your partner, the feelings are totally out of my control. All I can do is take control of what I do about it. Like your partner, I am devastated that I have got into this situation. I know that it will be really hard for you to work through this, I sincerely hope you can. Will you be starting your own thread? It would be good for you to get the support you need and deserve.

OP posts:
Dahlia7 · 17/09/2007 13:45

Thanks notabadperson, somehow it helps to see it from your perspective! I couldn't say that it would never happen to me too. But I struggle with the thought that he could not control his feelings, and now I consider him weak for not holding back and respect him less for it.

I don't want to sabotage your thread with my concerns, so am saying this really so that you can really think about what you might want to do. It's so easy to say 'I couldn't control it'. it's your mind, your body after all.

I won't carry on here, maybe start another thread yes.

Dior · 17/09/2007 14:10

Message withdrawn

Dior · 17/09/2007 14:11

Message withdrawn

madamez · 17/09/2007 14:35

NABP: fair enough, do what you think is right for you and your situation. Monogamy isn't wrong either, it's just not for everyone, which is why everyone entering into a relationshp should have at least one conversation about exclusivity rather than just assuming that their partner has the same views as they do.

ShinyHappySchmooo · 17/09/2007 14:41

I am not a narrow minded person.. but why get married if you want to sleep with other people????

madamez · 17/09/2007 14:46

Shinyhappy: well it is a bit narrow-minded, actualy, to sugest that just because a way of living wouldn't suit you that it is totally incomprehensible and wrong. I don't really want to hijack the OPs thread too much for a long discussion on why monogamy is not compulsory and monogamy free marriages are fine if entered into willingly - let me just say that I know open-relationship couples who have been together, apparently happily, for 20 years or so.

ShinyHappySchmooo · 17/09/2007 15:01

Ok. I'm open to the idea that you're open to the idea. I am a 35 year old prude I think

And I think NABP's got her input TBA!

MellowMa · 17/09/2007 17:26

Message withdrawn

MellowMa · 17/09/2007 17:26

Message withdrawn

madamez · 17/09/2007 21:17

Mellowma: I rarely watch telly. But CSI is not exactly the fount of all knowledge about human sexual diversity, is it?

MellowMa · 18/09/2007 08:08

Message withdrawn

ShinyHappySchmooo · 18/09/2007 12:37

Actually I beg to differ Mellowma.. Madamez IS indeed the font of knowledge re sexual diversity.. in fact SEX.. you say it.. she's THERE!!! It used to piss me off.. ... now it makes me laugh.

I think she's a professional dominatrix and she posts under her work name

(No offence Madamez)

michaelad · 18/09/2007 12:42

madamez, it would be really rather interesting to see what would happen if you did start a thread on monogamy vs polyamory on here. Most people would probably stone you..

I find the subject interesting enough to happily participate in a discussion somewhere (and I am very happily married) but MN might not be the right place for it!

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