ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

You could be me. You are describing my situation to a tee. Only this is someone I used to be very close friends with, and always had feelings for.
I am struggling with the idea I might not get over this, and I feel physically sick at the prospect of losing my dh.
I really need to shut this thing down right now, but OM does not agree at all that we need to cease contact.
How do I stop this in a way that ensures it does not get started up again??
Like you, I used to be judgey. But, like you, I have a very happy marriage and adore my DH, so I can't explain it.

Dollius but it is a complete myth that you cannot be happily married and love your H and yet still feel an attraction to someone else! This is why affairs happen in perfectly happy marriages. Have a read of some of my posts on various affair threads, or buy a book called Not Just Friends if you need further reassurance about this. This has got nothing to do with your H or your marriage, I believe you. If you have an affair though, it will be about you and absolutely no-one, or nothing else.

In that book I mentioned, Shirley Glass the author talks about the slippery slope you are navigating at the moment. It could so easily develop into an affair unless you take action now. You simply cannot be "just friends" with someone when there is secrecy, physical attraction, or sharing details about your primary relationships with one another.

The very best way of dealing with this is to end the friendship, because it can never be a proper friendship. You'd both be kidding yourselves if you thought it could. Because people do kid themselves though, they end up having an affair and then say they have no idea how it happened.

This stage is a tipping point. Back out now and you will save yourself untold misery later on - and obviously your H, DCs and any of the people in OM's life too, if he is in a relationship.

I know your post was to Dolliius, but IME it's not that simple.... I did back away, 3 years ago and thought I'd finally put it all behind me.... but now know it's still as raw as it was then - tho he is v. happy with his DW and I with my DH.

That's why contact needs to stop completely, isn't it (apart from out of respect for spouses of course)? I had these feelings for this man 10 years ago, and here they are again as strong as ever.
I fear they will never go away.
It's agonising - how did you get through last time NBP? How are you feeling now?

I got through it by breaking off contact, v. painful at first but got easier with time. And as many people posted on this thread, I thought about this leading to a breakup with DH (unbearable) or his breaking up with DW (also unbearable). I had hoped to be able to get over it such that we could be good friends without any attraction - but as I've just found out, that isn't going to happen. What's really sad is that in breaking off all contact (which I now know has to happen)I will lose the really good friend he was (when it was all platonic, before the attraction kicked in). Even with 3 years to think about it, I really think this is someone that if I'd met before DH would have been "the one" - or could have left DH for if we didn't have a relationship worth saving. Sucks, really, feel shit but not much I could have done about it.

Yes - you are again describing my exact situation. I cut off contact a month ago after it all blew up between us, but then cracked last week and since then it has all kicked off again.
Part of problem is he won't agree that cutting contact is necessary - so it's all on me to do it. I actually wish he would tell me to go, and then it would be easier.
Anyway, this was your thread, so hope you are getting there. I sympathise hugely with you.

mm, would be easier for you if he'd cut contact, I can see that. Don't worry about talking about your situation on here, I'm ok, really, I know what has to be done and got this far so feel I can go on, just need to rant every now and then and MN the only place I can do that safely. Will watch out for you Dollius and others who have contacted me recently on this - it isn't easy but we need to stay strong xx

While I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, it does give me some comfort to know that this is not entirely unusual.
Good luck.

so, what do you do, several years on, when you have done all the right things - broken contact with OM,put all your energy back into marriage, still happy with DH - but still yearn for OM???

have PMd you