ending an affair before it starts

[notabadperson]

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

Mellowma, I take it that was a joke? the last place anyone should look for advice on sexual behaviour is a mythological text written by a bunch of misogynists.
Michaelad - well I have raised the subject before and it does seem to send the majority of people bananas, no matter how patiently one tries to explain that it's just a topic for discussion and no one is going to force them to sign up for the nearest bukkake club against their wishes, etc.

I too think madamez has a point - look how many unhappy monogomous relationships there are. Surely consenting polyogmy is better than betrayal on any level.

People in affairs somehow justify their 'non-monogomous' goings on but still expect to portray to their long term partner and society in general the 'happily' married image.

as for the bible arent affairs forbidden and forgiveness accepted?

PS I also like the tips M shares with us and have learned quite a lot too - to practice in my choosen monogomous relationship.

'the last place anyone should look for advice on sexual behaviour is a mythological text written by a bunch of misogynists. '
'
Well, I'd agree with this statement completely.

Yeah, read the Bible. Riiight. Commit adultery and be stoned to death. Great advice. Sheesh.

But OP wants monogamy. Why encourage her to explore further? She wants a kick in the butt to end it. She wants to hear about broken families and hurting kids, being uprooted at the weekends to visit mummy/daddy, she wants to hear about how to deal with meeting her now husbands next wife, after she left her husband, and her new romance decided he wanted something else in entirety, right?

actually monogamy isn't actually the order of the day in the bible either.
concubines, handmaidens, whatever you want to call them.

End it now. Delete his number and have no more contact with him or this is what will happen......

your DH will find out and be utterly heartbroken and betrayed.

Your children will be inconsolable as Daddy moves out into a small flat with only 2 bedrooms so the kids can visit at weekends.

Your DH would probably tell wife of other man and he would have to move out of his home leaving his wife heartbroken and betrayed and his children inconsolable.

The two of you get together but it is unlikely you will stay together because of the guilt and the pain you both feel and so you will split up too.

4 adult lives torn apart and (at least) 4 young children destroyed and you would just become another statistic.

Please dont do it.

Thanks to all who posted, especially collision and tiramisu whose posts hit me very hard (in exactly the way they needed to). Haven't been able to revisit this for a while, too emotional and just feel so bad for those who are writing about being on the receiving end, makes me feel like such a cow but none of this has been intentional. Thanks and bye.

just an update and a call for support... am doing my best here, have kept away from him for a month now. Breaking my heart, but know am doing the right thing for him, me and both our families

How are you and DH getting on notabadperson

DH and I getting on just fine, TheOriginalXena. Thanks for asking. We always have done and I reckon always will do. That's been the most shocking thing about all of this.

I hope this doesn't sound patronsing but well done NABP, you really are doing the right thing and you deserve some praise for it.

I was in a similar situation so I moved jobs to get away from a colleague who I thought I'd fallen in love with. 7 years on and 4 children between us, we are now back in touch and I really do not know what I ever saw in him. I quite often look at my gorgeous, kind, loving, intelligent, honest and generous DH and thank God that I didn't mess up the best thing I've ever had or could wish for.

To get to that stage I had to do some soul-searching and have some painful conversations with DH after the event, but it was worth it, and then some. I truly hope that you and your DH can rekindle your happy relationship.

Sorry, x-post, sounds as if you are happy with your DH. I suppose I mean the kind of happiness that comes from knowing that your realtionship is secure and not feeling guilty about your feelings for the other man.

Indulgeme, thanks for posting and sharing your experience. The worst thing for me is that I don't have a problem with my DH, love him as much as ever. Hence particularly shaken by feelings for "Mr X". There is no question of my wanting to leave DH for him, or his leaving DW for me. Just the most bizarre situation to be in. Both know what the answer is but so painful to walk away....but am trying

At the risk of sounding a) a bit weird or b) a bit psycho-babbly, I realised that my feelings for my colleague weren't to do with anything lacking in my relationship with my DH, but more to do with my feelings about my Dad (very Freudian, I know). It's hard to discuss it without sounding odd but my colleague really reminded me of my dad and his interest in me seemed to fill a bit of a void. It was more emotional than sexual (I truly do not hav any weirdo feelings towards my dad!!)and I am telling you this in case it rings any bells? Did the man you fell for remind you of anyone else? Or did your relationship with him meet specific needs?

Ignore this if it is too therapy-sounding and not what you need.

Have been through all these thought processes. thanks for trying to help me through it. "Mr X" is someone I've known a long time, got on with very well, then suddenly the feelings changed. Would always have said that if you can acknowledge such feelings, there must be a problem with your marriage. But absolutely can't see that. So have come to the conclusion that you can't choose how you feel about someone, can only choose if/how you act on it. That's the hard bit. Even harder, we're close enough to discuss the fact that we both feel the same way, about each other but also about our partners and children. Both know what we need to do (ie walk away) but both struggling.

I agree, and identify with the switch from thinking it's impossible to have feelings for someone else in a happy marriage, to feeling torn in half.

I think the most shocking thing for me was realising that I didn't love my 'Mr X', even though at the time I was convinced that I did. I'm not fickle or silly but I look back and see that I was misguided. I've concluded that my feelings, like my personality, tastes, beliefs etc will change and evolve throughout my life, but that my marriage commitment is a constant.

What helped me through my 'grieving' period for Mr X (I'm conscious that some readers who have been hurt by affairs will think that this is very self-indulgent) was to throw myself into enjoying my relaionship with DH. We went on a beautiful holiday together and have since ensured that we really make time to talk to each other properly, not just about the DCs etc.

I look back on my near-affair as a lucky escape, and I hope that you will feel this very soon too.

Am so pleased you've come on here Indulgeme. I fully appreciate that this thread might be offensive to those who have been affected by affairs, but at the same time, hope there is some understanding that it's not all about selfish people doing the dirty on their other halves. For me, i recognise that any feelings I have for mr X are sort of artificial, because we experience each other in a bit of a bubble without reality getting in the way. ie we'll never know really truly how compatible we might have been if we'd met outside of marriage. We're both pretty stable and sorted, which in some ways makes this easier,but in others harder cos we both know there is only one answer. We will walk away from each other, we will re-focus our energies on our marriages. But it is SO painful, the only reason I've come on here, tho fully expect some backlash.

Ahh, I'm really glad that posting here helps a bit. I think even just sharing your feelings anonymously over t'internet is a good idea, less intense somehow then. And it sounds like you may only ever have discussed this with Mr X himself, which reinforces the bond that you are wanting to break.

I guess all I can really do is sympathise with the painful aspects of walking away, encourage you that you won't regret it, and remind you of your no doubt gorgeous children who would really thank you, if as adults they ever knew, for putting their happiness above your own feelings.

Also, if you want ongoing support on the tough days, I'll find out how the CAT thing works and we can stay in touch.

thanks again. Only RL person I discuss this with is the man in question, which actually only brings us closer together, as you say. Sort of defeats the object of trying to walk away. Big plus for MN. Logging off now, thanks again, hope to pick up with you again sometime.

Calling IndulgeMePlease or any other sympathetic people....

What's up girl?

Hi Madamez, thanks for coming to my rescue. Nothing "up" really, have just been reflecting on whole situation. Have not been in contact with Mr X for quite a while. We both knew it was wrong, so have walked away. We were good mates before, so am just wondering do I keep away for ever (unthinkable) or will there be a point in time when we can go back to being just mates again?