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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ending an affair before it starts

335 replies

notabadperson · 16/09/2007 23:11

Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

OP posts:
Polaris · 08/10/2009 12:17

By the way; just want to clarify; the wet gusset comment does not come from me! Even though I said it hit home, I don't agree with it at all. I just want to say that I posted it because when I turned to MN a few months ago this is what I had from people. They hated me. I've been trying to focus on this negativity to put me off the OM, which is what I meant when I said it stuck with me. But, of course, it's not working! The support on this thead is, however, helping me gain the clarity and strength - what I was looking for first time around. Those sorts of comments only served to make me feel more defiant in my feelings for him than anything, so counterproductive.

My response was to say that just because I'm a married woman it doesn't mean that I'm not capable of having genuine feelings for someone, or that I'm not worthy of having those genuine feelings returned. If our DH's were to suddently take off with OW and say see ya, then suddently the feelings we have for our OM would be celebrated, respected and encouraged by everyone around us.

Lolabelle · 08/10/2009 12:23

All or nothing. Thats it isn't it? I can't pop by into his life and say hi! Want a coffee?! Its too deep for that, too intense and its definitely al or nothing an di can't give him my all as my kids are my priority and he can't give me his all unless wemove hi away from his business,friends,family...not to mention break his partnesr heart no doubt. Thats withought mentioning what it would do to my dh and children. I wish i could just turn this all off and make it stop, I too have his email and phone no. but i know he needs me to disapear so i am trying!

God yes burn us! Its made me more open minded, i can't pre-judge now, its no longer in my DNA - i see peoples problems diffrenetly and i reckon that can only be a good thing.

I am still having counselling and tryiong to work on the parts of my relationship with my dh that i feel are lacking ie communication but i know in my heart of hearts i'll never communicate with him like i did/do with X. I really, really want to so am trying but of course i'm cynical. I don't know, yeas at least i am healthy, hairs growing back and kids are growing up so life goes on which i am sooo grateful for but it would seem its not just part of my breast that is missing! I do worry i'll still feel like this when i'm old and grey though, who knows we may end up finding each other again oin another twenty years and we may be single and get to be together. Its a stupid fantasy but it reassures me that life can take strange turns so not to beat myself over it.

Lolabelle · 08/10/2009 12:26

Hear hear Polaris, i know you didn't say that btw! If dh ever leaves me for someone else i can't run off with X because he has a partner and they may end up having children, tis will only help me understand infedility more if anything and although i would be furious i'd like to think i would be able to draw on my own experience and trealise affairs can range from a quick shag to the hugest love of your life. Its not really something we can put in a box and label either, actually maybe we should stop putting anything in a box and labelling it as thats usually the easy narrow minded option..

HappyWoman · 08/10/2009 12:29

I dont think anyone disputes the fact that you can still have feelings for other people - but the nature of affairs is to be secrets and lies, and that is the damaging factor, not the lusting over someone else.

I am sure it is difficult to get over, but simplistic as it seems why can the partner not offer that support?

I think the spouse is at a loss because in some ways the ow/om already has something the spouse does not - the knowledge of such feelings. iyswim

Lolabelle · 08/10/2009 12:37

I so do see what you mean, i guess i'm brutally honest as i sort of take that view outwardly iyswim? I agree in theory totally what you are saying i just know deep down that my husband is never going to just 'get me' in the way x does. No other boyfriend i have did either, maybe its idealistic and i understand people being cynical but i knew the night i first met him he was different even tough i was young and when i met my dh he was gorgeous and light hearted and fun and he swept me off my feet and i do love him but in times of trouble and when i feel all alone i know X would be there in a way only he could be and he has been, i am working so hard with my dh and are off to couple counselling and stuff as i've told him we need to communicate more but hes just a light hearted simple guy who doesn't like to talk much. Great for a laugh but lifes not always funny is it?

Anyway its not about whats missing form my dh as its really not about that and never has been, i just need to stop loving another person with every single bone in my body - any ideas?

thetattooedmagpie · 08/10/2009 12:55

Lolabelle - nope - none from me !

But I know what you mean about just instinctively knowing someone is special and that they are going to be special to you for the rest of your life. If I close my eyes now I can feel that feeling like it happened yesterday - I've never had that before or since.

Lolabelle · 08/10/2009 13:15

I've never had it before or since. I know i'll never have it again and the feeling overwhelms me without warning occasionally and i feel sick with sadness but I would never of understood it without going through this so I try to understand and respect cyniscm. I just try not to think of the future full stop. health, love, money, they are never as in our control as we would let ourselves believe, what will be will be I guess..

roxi09 · 08/10/2009 13:38

I think this thread also shows how different women who enter into affairs are then men. Every single one of us is emotionally attached and trying to do the right thing even though it tears us apart. I would love to be cold hearted about it but I really can't and that's why I would advise people to always end it before it begins. It just puts you into turmoil and every waking moment is filled with thoughts of how you are hurting people but also a longing for your other love.
For the record I have also known mine since my teens although our paths never really crossed before now.
That's another "what if" for me though, because we have such a strong connection I wish we had met sooner, when I was single, and had a chance to be together and be in love without all this (he does love me and that makes it harder).

sincitylover · 08/10/2009 14:18

This thread is both personally heartening to me and also extremely sad.

I have a fantasy that we will be able to be together later in life maybe when my children have grown up.

sincitylover · 08/10/2009 14:27

overwhelming is the right word too.

debs05 · 08/10/2009 14:55

My husband had an affair and I was/am devastated. But I totally understand where you are all coming from, my biggest problem was getting over the fact of how could he have done all this and then tell me how he cant live without me and the kids, its been like a game.

Im the same as all you ladies and I have told my husband that if I ever had an affair I would have to be with that person, my feelings would just be too strong.

But that is the difference between men and women, they think with their d*s and we are ruled by our hearts.

Lolabelle · 08/10/2009 15:00

I follow the 'one day' theory also, not because i am hoping my relationship with my dh to fail otherwise i wouldn't be investing all the effort i am at the moment with counselling and nighst out etc but because i don't know how else to tame the pain, who knows my dh might leave me or our relationship may not make it and maybe the same for X and maybe, maybe,maybe we will be together one day but i am not holding out for this as i'll never move on. In my deepest thoughts though obviously it fills me with an inner warmth but the thought of my dh and kids flashes up and instantly kills that feeling.

Overwhelms is exactly how it is but i just breathe, push it away and remind myself of the despairity of it all..

sincitylover · 08/10/2009 15:05

that fantasy though definitely interferes with me meeting anyone else - I do date but nothing serious.

He knows it too and has said it. And flame me but we are in contact and do meet from time to time.

Lolabelle · 08/10/2009 15:42

If i was single and x wanted to meet i know i would, i hate myself for saying that but it would be hard not to, Debs05 i think you are really open ninded and well pretty amazing to not vilify us for what we are saying. I couldn't agree more with men thinkng with their dicks a lot of teh time but this isn't about sex and never was.

Sincitylover i am so sorry it interferes with you dating, it would seem being single makes this no easier at all.

debs05 · 08/10/2009 15:51

No I didnt just mean they think with their dicks. I mean when ever a woman has posted on here (on affair threads) about having an affair with a married man, they all give the impression that if we were treating them right then they wouldnt stray, but you are making it all seem human.

I wasnt open minded and believe me this has tested every single moral I have!. But Im not going to vilify you, we are all human.

I am just being mature about a sensitive issue, I would hate to not be with the man I truly love. Whether your married to that man or not we all need to be with the right person.

mintchocolate · 08/10/2009 20:22

I have not slept or eaten for months. Posted earlier have been with dh 25 years but am head over heels in love with someone else also been with someone 25 years. He is moving out anyway, they are not married not been happy for ages. I though I was happy til i met him but obviously I wasnt or these feeling wouldn't be so strong.
Seriously i am considering leaving dh, dss 15 and 17 because I think i am making him unhappy as I am unable to feel as I once did though he loves me so much.
Am so torn, my dad died of cancer suddenly last year and one thing it has made me realise is life is short. I am not going ot say what if for the rest of my life am going to do it or not because I think I am hurting people already. Never thought this would be me.

Original poster
notabadperson · 30/12/2009 23:30

have tried so hard to get over OM... no contact, and I know that I don't mean anything to him. But find myself thinking about him and his family at Christmas, wonder whether I will ever be able to get over him enough to find the passion I once had with DH. Wish I'd never met OM..

OP posts:
GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 31/12/2009 01:30

sorry but i haven't had time to read all the posts, its a long thread so someone may have said this before but what worked for me was being very strict with myself when it came to my fantasies i.e making myself fantasize about dp and not om, after a while it worked and i found i wanted to act out these fantasies with dp... of course no contact works best as well i did this simultaneously (i never had an affair btw, but i was tempted by someone) i'm now very happy with dp and know what i would have lost and i no longer think of om

GoddessRidingSantasSleigh · 31/12/2009 01:33

wow! just realised how old this thread is

well like i said, try fantasizing about your dh, make it really racy

lilolilmanchester · 02/01/2010 23:04

blimey, this has been going on for such a long time, not sure what to suggest, but thinking of you xx

Original poster
notabadperson · 13/11/2010 22:33

...

OP posts:
NoahAndTheWhale · 13/11/2010 22:39

You all right? I have posted on here in more than one incarnation I think (was here at the start) and think of you sometimes

Original poster
notabadperson · 13/11/2010 22:45

Noah, thank you so much for responding. Am OK, ish. I read and re-read this thread time and time again, know and believe that everything people have written on here is so true and it has really helped me. For reasons I won't go in to, had to communicate with "him" recently, and even tho, 3 years on, I thought I'd got over it, am now back to square one. Bollocks!

OP posts:
dollius · 14/11/2010 09:27

NABP, how are you getting on?
Am in almost identical situation and really need to sort it.

Original poster
notabadperson · 14/11/2010 17:58

dollius, I have no desire or intention to leave my DH, nor he his DW. Hard to feel so strongly for someone and not be able to have a relationship, whilst feeling very guilty about being unfaithful, even in the emotional sense, to a wonderful husband. Never, ever thougth I'd find myself in this position and was very "judgey" about those who did. What gets me is that 3 years on am still not over it completely - well, for the most part I am but doesn't take much to bring it all back to the surface

OP posts: