How much should we tolerate 'blokey'/sleazy male behaviour?

[NoMoreDickheads]

So, I agree nowadays with the poster on another thread who was given the creeps by a bloke she knew drunkenly saying while messaging as a friend that he would like to see her naked. I have blocked men for less, even for variations on 'hello beautiful' on messenger.

But I imagine that a lot of people would have a 'blokes will be blokes' attitude to stuff like that, and expect men to try and get sex or pics out of women, to make sexual talk and so on.

How much would you put up with this sort of thing from friends,, prospective partners, or boyfriends etc?

Category
“But "hello beautiful" is so much better?”
No. All I have said is that it is NOT OFFENSIVE.

OP
“I don't really get what you're saying”
I was critiquing what another poster said which implied exactly that. Sorry to confuse you, but don’t worry it wasn’t about anything you’ve said.

On your “hello beautiful” incident. Yes it’s understandable that you found it creepy in that context. You also don’t have to accept anything that makes you uncomfortable. I’m not saying anyone has to accept a “hello beautiful”

But neither do I have to reject it because you and others reject it.

My point has been that to me “hello beautiful” is not so offensive that it warrants a ghost/block or “fuck off” response. I would respond differently depending on context. Context is everything as PPs have said and I have agreed with.

Let’s be tolerant of each other’s opinions on this.

@WhenPushComesToShove I had a similar experience with a guy who was really my type. Quirky but good looking, funny and very good job etc.
We went for a couplesy night with a group of people and the other guys said afterwards how he was bragging that he loves dating like this because 'it's cheaper than paying for a prostitute'.
I never told him why I ghosted him.

Yes I was told all that growing up. That boys only want one thing, sex. That a man and woman cannot just be friends. Life has taught me otherwise. Men are complex creatures and they do value female friendships without sex. I think in hindsight, I was fed the idea that men only make an effort to get to know a woman because they hope for sex specifically to control my behaviour around men to match the gender expectations of being a lady or a respectable woman

Plan- I wish I'd been taught all that. I was taught that everyone is a good person. So I was used as a bouncy castle by men.

I'm not saying there aren't some nice guys around who make good friends, but there are a lot of dodgy sleazeballs around and I wasn't taught that anyone was like that. Many men are very motivated (more so than women) by trying to get sex, and I could've done with being taught that so I was more cautious.

@DKanin Lol!

@ILikeyourHairyHands Good point. There are some very manipulative types around and that's only one really low-level example. I think you're right and 'you have lovely eyes' would still give me that 'brrr' if I heard it, as what it is is a wolf eyeing up a piece of meat- or worse still a predator considering potential prey.

to convince me to behave and get offended at harmless chat up lines like all you respectable women do?

I bet plenty of us on this thread have had far more adventures than you. It's not a matter of being a respectable woman offended, it's a matter of being given the creeps by potential predators.

My point has been that to me “hello beautiful” is not so offensive that it warrants a ghost/block or “fuck off” response.

Offensive is not the thing. I don't want to be taken advantage of or anything, and especially with my health I have to be careful and so I don't have this ilk around.

he loves dating like this because 'it's cheaper than paying for a prostitute'.

Ohmagerrd!!!

Such an interesting variety of responses on both the photos and the sleaze threads eh?
I’m loving being called a respectable woman and conservative both on the same day. Anyone who knows me would roar with laughter.

Just as well this isn’t a dating site as the communication skills we’re using on here are pretty piss poor.

Sorry to hear you were taken advantage of like that nomore

That's the way we look.

I don't get offended by it as such; its more a pitiful head tilt before I hit block.

@ChandlerIsTheBestFriend, yes to this, I have been with guys who never use my name, in fact my most recent ex used to say 'alright beautiful?' to me as a way of checking in every now and then. It felt very automatic and weirdly it did make me feel interchangeable, especially when I heard him use it to one of his many beautiful younger women friends.
There is a huge list of things now which makes much more sense with the always too late hindsight!

Yes Famous. It's never too late, you must be about the same age as me?

We have many years before us. So many years.

Plan goodness, I'm old, I've slept with many men and women. I don't judge people by their sexual past. Or future. None of it really matters.

You matter, I matter, WE matter

I think whether we fin something sleazy or not boils down to whether we find the person attractive or not.

"Would you like to go for coffee" can feel sleazy from some people.

Some people just give me the heeby jeebies - both men and women.

Calling "hello beautiful" offensive has all come from the people arguing it should/can be tolerated - misrepresenting what others have said as more reactive and emotional than it actually is.

"Hello beautiful" gets an eye roll and ignored or blocked - it's not because of being offended, it's more can't be arsed with this/don't need this.

Zero tolerance for revolting sleazy behaviour

But then I knew before I opened the thread there would be "but more men, they can't even flirt anymore"

If you can't open dialogue with a woman without being sleazy you just shouldn't bother.

You make some valid points Op.
However.. I think your view of men has been coloured by your recent past experiences with scumbags as you call them.

Your reaction to a man introducing himself and giving you his number was to wish you could hairspray him in the face! You've immediately decided he's a threat to you.You say you'd block a male acquaintance based on a feeling and he's dead to you now. I think your natural defence mechanism has gone into overdrive.

As an amateur armchair psychologist I'd say this;

You seem to view men as falling into two categories; sleazeballs who want to use you and non sleazeballs. You have a system of filtering them out based on their opening line or a "gut feeling" you have, viewing many men as having a predator/prey approach.
This is very black and white thinking and not a failsafe approach.

There are plenty of men that will abuse or manipulate you and their opening gambit won't be Hello Beautiful. There are plenty of decent men that might say Alright Darlin or You're gorgeous when they meet you.

I think it would be best to avoid all OLD or striking up male/female relationships at present, until you've healed. The best way to protect your fragile state is to avoid.
I'm sorry you've had awful past experiences. There are decent men (and women!) out there.

There are plenty of decent men that might say Alright Darlin or You're gorgeous when they meet you

I don’t think a decent man has ever uttered the words “alright darlin”

There are plenty of men that will abuse or manipulate you and their opening gambit won't be Hello Beautiful. There are plenty of decent men that might say Alright Darlin or You're gorgeous when they meet you.

Perhaps they're 'decent', but they'd have to be a bit thick (or pissed) to think that's in any way an attractive/original approach. Why would I have the remotest interest in some random who approaches me in a bar to tell me he approves of my appearance, any more than I'd be buoyed up by a builder wolf-whistling from a scaffolding with his arse hanging out between his hi-vis jacket and his trousers?

Well fair point. My partner is from East London and will often say Alright darlin, as will I! Perhaps that's a regional thing. He also looks amazing in his hi-vis jacket He's the kindest person I've ever met.

Good post smiley Clare

I see a lot of that thought process on here. It is definitely not failsafe and is a hair trigger to judge a man on an opening line alone.

It's his choice how to make a first impression, Plan. Women don't have to give him the benefit of the doubt if he fluffs it.

It is definitely not failsafe and is a hair trigger to judge a man on an opening line alone

And yet is is 100% every woman’s right to do so. A woman doesn’t owe a man a conversation to see whether a first impression is accurate.

It’s an impossible choice though category. A man cannot divine what specific opening line will meet with approval in advance of knowing you. Plus, the amount of weight you assign to an opening line...’benefit of the doubt’ is just ridiculous. There is no blanket rule that all scumbags and only scumbags use lines x, y and z while all decent men and only decent men use lines a, b and c.

Marie- yes a woman has the right to reject a man based on the initial impression of just not liking an opening line (hello beautiful) but it’s not a very smart thing to always do that. It’s not about “owing men” it’s about being more open minded and reserving judgement so that you don’t miss out on what could be a perfectly decent man.

I don't have to assume there's an interesting and sexy guy I want to get to know behind the low effort opener of "hello beautiful" or whatever (that's the main benefit of the doubt I'm thinking of). I'm not talking about identifying scumbags.

It’s not about “owing men” it’s about being more open minded and reserving judgement so that you don’t miss out on what could be a perfectly decent man

Why would not having a randomer be “missing out”?!

To be honest I don’t even bother responding to unwanted and vastly uninteresting advances now. If they continue to press the issue they get short shrift.