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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please can anyone help me with this, I’m desperate

161 replies

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 11:56

I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.

After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.

I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.

OP posts:

Breastfeedingworries · 29/04/2020 12:01

It sounds like the decision was out of your hands due to possible miscarriage. Please don’t feel bad about taking the tablet. It’s almost a positive you miscarried as you shouldn’t have to deal with guilt. My friend had the same thing happened to her, on the way to her abortion she miscarried.

She’s gone on to meet lovely man, she’s got to healthy twin baby girls. Please see this as an escape from a man who wasn’t right for you. Take care xx

Honeybee85 · 29/04/2020 12:01

I am so sorry for you OP.
Surely you didnt lose anything good when it comes to the relationship, he wasn't there for the long haul and the way you found out was really utterly shit, but at least you know what you lost, and it's good riddance.
Maybe you should accept that you will never know if the pregnancy ended in a misscarriage but when I read your story I honestly thought that it just wasn't meant to be. Someone better is out there for you, a better future is waiting for you.

category12 · 29/04/2020 12:02

OP, I think you should seek counselling to talk this out.

He wasn't the man you thought he was, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. You haven't done anything wrong. It's normal to be upset when the relationship you thought you had turns out not to be as it seemed. He let you down.

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 12:06

Thank you for replying. They can’t confirm if it was miscarriage and I didn’t want to wait by then as I just wanted it over with anyway.

I feel sick about the relationship as I thought i was living with this perfect man that I adored. I didn’t expect him to think great let’s have a child but I didn’t think he would ask me to leave his house 4 days after finding out, because he didn’t like that I was stressed and ‘wasn’t calm enough.’ He said that my lack of being calm meant that he was sure that there was no future. I feel like if that is true then it is all my fault. I should have stayed calm and maybe we could have worked things out, maybe he wouldn’t have asked me to leave

OP posts:

Honeybee85 · 29/04/2020 12:11

He is just manipulating you.
Unless you were emotionally abusive to him or fysically abusive, which I aesume from your posts that you haven't been, he is just a total dickhead.

Lilolily · 29/04/2020 12:12

Not the same situation but I can relate to both issues separately. I got pregnant accidentally years ago and chose a termination because it was the best decision for my mental health at the time. I think about it sometimes but I know it was the right thing for me at that time. I have just found out that the guy I have fallen in love with is not the person I thought, and my happy contented existence has been ripped away.

Please don’t beat yourself up. It obviously wasn’t right and bringing a child into it would’ve made it so much worse.

I second counselling. I’ve had some, just asked the GP to refer me and it really did help. X

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 12:21

Everything was absolutely fine until this. No arguments, nothing. Just calm and peace and happiness.

I couldn’t believe how fast he wanted me out of the house when I was panicking about what to do. I wanted him to be on board fully but I could tell he was hesitant. That made me worry and I wasn’t calm, it was all very stressful. But I never thought he would use that as a reason to tell me that was it, only a few days after we found out. I didn’t think he was the sort of man to cut me out of his life in those circumstances. I feel bad for making the decision I made because I felt scared but also feel gutted and in shock that the relationship was so easy for him to drop.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/04/2020 12:26

Look, life brings stresses - if he couldn't cope with you being emotional about an unexpected pregnancy, he wouldn't cope with you being emotional about a bereavement or redundancy or anything.

You are not a little robot with a perpetual smile, you're a normal human being. He's the one lacking.

Lilolily · 29/04/2020 12:27

I know. Everything is so raw right now but try to remember, you cannot control anyone else’s actions, if only we could life would be perfect. You could not have known how he would react and you got scared and that’s ok. Take the time to feel it all and process it, you’ll be ok. X

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 12:28

Was that a good enough reason for me to panic though and take that tablet. I don’t know. He still hasn’t spoken to me now, not that I want him to. But it is clear he didn’t care so god knows what the last few months were about.

I think the hardest part is that I keep thinking if I had held it together then maybe he would have stuck with me and we could have been a family. That’s what makes me blame myself - had I been calm I could have saved this child and the relationship. That’s what I am struggling with.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/04/2020 12:35

As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination.

Your break-up had nothing to do with you not being calm.
Re-read what you wrote, what he told you.
You not being calm was an excuse.

Lilolily · 29/04/2020 12:39

I would say 100% that would not be the case. I think if you had stayed calm and handled it well he would’ve come up with a different reason, he’s not ready for kids, can’t handle the situation, needs time etc. You panicking during one discussion about the scariest thing that’s happened to you both is NOT a valid reason to end a relationship. Unless you were suddenly vile and abusive there is no reasoning. If had hadn’t been this it would’ve been something else.

Sometimes there is no closure available so we have to make our own x

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 12:46

He said my behaviour had scared him as I was crying and on the floor and panicking and when he said he wanted a termination I said something like well I didn’t think he would be a good dad anyway! I apologies loads for this shortly afterwards and we moved past it but then the following day he was on the phone to family again outside for two hours and he came in and said he needed to reiterate that he didn’t think this would last so if I went ahead then he would support me but it would be at a distance and we could never have a relationship. I was very confused and ultimately I wanted him to say yes we can do this and yes I am here for you. I had said I wouldn’t expect his life to change and I would move jobs etc so he didn’t have to.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/04/2020 12:49

He very clearly did not want to have a baby with you, OP.

So nothing you did/said could have made the dream of a happy family life together come true.

Honeybee85 · 29/04/2020 12:51

He sounds emotionally immature.
In my native language we call this type of guy a ship captain that can only navigate during nice weather. Stop being angry with yourself. You didn't deserve this treatment.
He was in the wrong here and was too immature to admit it even.

CrazyToast · 29/04/2020 12:52

Oh OP you poor thing, what a shit turn of events. It is not your fault! It's normal to freak out when confronted with a surprise pregnancy and a surprise break up! He was totally unreasonable to say 'be calm'. What a load of shit, stupid idiot. Realistically, he was never a keeper, if that was his reaction to things. Bullet dodged on your part, although it won't feel that way for a while.

You've had a big shock and upheaval. Give yourself time, look after yourself, rest and distract yourself. It does sound like you were miscarrying anyway so taking the tablet just hurried it along and made it over with quicker for you. Don't beat yourself up or dwell on that. It will take time to process what happened but you will be ok, I promise. xxx

PippaPegg · 29/04/2020 12:53

Sometimes something can be the right thing to do but still be emotionally distressing and painful. Take your time, you've been through a lot in a short time.

pog100 · 29/04/2020 12:54

You've had several threads on this already OP. You are clearly going through a hard time with it all, especially the miscarriage. However, the detail in your other threads make it obvious that this man is seriously bad news for you. You really need to stop analysing what you did wrong and realise he is the one that reacted very badly towards you, and his mother, who I suspect he had got a lot his bad traits from, is even worse. You need to detach, reset, and get on with life without him. You will be much happier.

MaryAnneMumof2 · 29/04/2020 12:55

@User200002020 I’m sorry you had this experience but it sounds like you had no real choice in the outcome of the pregnancy - you may have miscarried rather than have terminated but in any case he didn’t leave you much choice! Sounds like you were lucky to see his true colours. He sounds awful.

MaryAnneMumof2 · 29/04/2020 12:57

I agree with @PippaPegg sometimes the hardest thing to do is the only thing to do

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 12:58

Thanks pog, I just feel responsible for the termination and think I shouldn’t have felt scared I should have just carried on with life with or without him. I was just shocked really that the man I adored and who had been so perfect every day could suddenly turn like that. Literally a few days after we found out he wanted me gone on the premise that I had behaved irrationally and wasn’t calm. I would really have done anything to keep us all as a family. I feel so mixed up and alone and because he was so perfect before I can’t help but think I must be the cause of his sudden change of heart. I did say that cruel thing for example.

I really loved him and he turned into someone I did not recognise.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 13:02

because he didn’t like that I was stressed and ‘wasn’t calm enough.’ He said that my lack of being calm meant that he was sure that there was no future.

Bull fkg shit.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 13:06

It sounds like you were miscarrying anyway.

It's also very much worth considering what situation you'd have been bringing a child into if the pregnancy had continued (which it doesn't sound like it would have) ... It can be very tough on children to have an indifferent, disengaged, not present/involved parent. They sometimes feel rejected and have issues no matter how hard their main parent tries to compensate. It's often even worse if the parent dips in and out of their life - which flaky, changeable people like this guy often do.

He would've been an absent or shit father and that's a lot to inflict on a child.

Then there's the effect on you - which is massive too.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 13:10

I was just shocked really that the man I adored and who had been so perfect every day could suddenly turn like that.

6 months is actually not that long a period of time in getting to know someone. It feels ling but it's not. You're still in the honeymoon period. It takes a year or two.

(Also, for the sake of argument, some women on here have been with a guy for decades and he's acted in a way/turned out to be a person they didn't recognise).

Legoandloldolls · 29/04/2020 13:10

It would never have worked out op.

What happened if if you cried in labour? Or screamed in pain? What if you had baby blues on day 3 post birth and got upset? What he saw you care for the baby more than him?

He wanted a robot not a human. He sounds extremely controlling.

This isn't next bit isn't meant to be nasty OP but you will meet someone nice. Maybe let them prove themselves before you throw your life into it. you need to heal going forward. You deserve so much better.

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