Please can anyone help me with this, I’m desperate

[User200002020]

I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.

After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.

I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.

You’re only 37, you have time.

OP has not said that she is 37. I suspect OP is much, much younger.

I would have done anything to make us a family and have it work.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now.

He wasn't the man for you. Otherwise he would not have bailed out on you in your time of need.

Think of it as a lucky escape. He would never have been what you need in your life.

I think you need to look at that sentence you said above. Please don't bend over backwards to make a relationship work... you deserve so much more.

I would suggest online counselling now to help you through this incredibly difficult time.

He and his mother sound like a right fkg pair.

Disgusting of her to contact you perpetuating this nonesense about him throwing you out and not engaging with you because you weren't "calm" enough.

I doubt you would've been anywhere near as upset if his attitude and behaviour had been positive and supportive.

Disgusting of her to excuse his behaviour and try to blame you. His excuse of a man son put his gf in a position where she felt she could do nothing other than have a termination, she should be ashamed of him. Instead she's joinjbg in with this nonesense narrative excusing him and putting it onto his (ex) gf. Deeply immoral, dysfunctional people.

Where I'm from, if a son impregnated his gf his mother (and father) would have said "you marry that girl and meet your responsibilities!" and they would've made sure he did it.

You thought it was a good sign his close he was to her, it wasn't; it's actually the opposite.

The (huge) silver lining is that you are not tied to this pair, dealing with their (almost creepy) dysfunction.

*how close

You're going through a dreadful time OP, but I think you should accept that his idea of a good relationship and yours are radically different.
You were willing to work at being a family but he doesn't want a family, he wants a girlfriend with nothing to distract your attention from him. Perhaps he thought you wanted the same, and when he discovered he was wrong it was easier for him to end the relationship than try to grow. Immature? Yes, but it's not your fault, it really isn't. Try to realise this and stop blaming yourself.

he doesn't want a family, he wants a girlfriend with nothing to distract your attention from him. Perhaps he thought you wanted the same, and when he discovered he was wrong

Op said in one if her earliest posts that he said he was open to children; he's just one of those cavalier, immature, cowardly men who think they are - until the reality (in the firm if an actual pregnancy) hits them in the face .. and then they pressure their partner to have a termination and bail.

*form

When did this happen OP? For every day that you give him headspace - analysing his behaviour - is a day lost to think about yourself. Only you. Your next phase of life, goals and future happiness. Because you will be happy again.
You use words like 'perfect, adore him, happy little family'. But those words don't reflect the reality of a fast relationship, where you moved into his space quickly and man who is tied to his mum for support.
He's not your man.
Let your future posts be about you.

Thanks for the posts of support.

I’m still in shock I think. It was really like living in this amazing relationship where I truly thought we had a future. He would always comment about a future, buying a house, taking about a future. He was ever gushing in his sentiment but that was just how he was. He made it clear he wanted me and us.

The way he discarded me so so fast was just a total shock. Literally five days later and I was gone. It wasn’t an easy few days and I was difficult, I cried and I was worried and the conversations he had daily in private made me feel really uncomfortable and confused.

At the start he tried to be supportive and said he would stick with me but made it clear he didn’t have much faith that it would last, purely on the basis that we hadn’t been together long. I got that and agreed with him but ultimately said I was willing to go ahead and would do my bit to make it work. By then though he had said the relationship was over because of my behaviour.

I agree analysing it isn’t going to change anything but I just feel like I have lost everything and I needed to talk even if on here.

That's ok, I understand how awful you feel. I'd like you to feel a bit angrier though. He hasn't behaved well.

What does your mum think? Have you gone back to live with her, as he told you to leave?

Can’t see her because of lockdown. She feels angry with his behaviour and has said much of what has been said here.

I want to be angry but the truth is I loved him so it is hard. I have come to accept that he wasn’t what I thought, it is just hard. I can’t help but blame myself as I know I wasn’t calm and if that was a dealbreaker for him then I would have done my best to make sure I WAS calm, to try and keep us together and have a future. I know it sounds silly. Even as I type I can tell it sounds like head in the clouds.

Probably the saddest thing is that I would have felt like everything was perfect if he had had a different reaction. That’s not the reality though and I know I need to accept that.

the conversations he had daily in private made me feel really uncomfortable and confused.

No wonder, he should've been having those conversations with you, instead he was having them with his mummy. A nearly 40 year old man.

Their dynamic is not remotely healthy.

When we first told his mum over the laptop he was explaining to her that we had had sex and there had been bleeding. There was literally nothing he wouldn’t speak to her about. I didn’t feel like we were a team. I don’t know, i used to think it was nice how close they were but she was far too involved here

At the start he tried to be supportive and said he would stick with me but made it clear he didn’t have much faith that it would last, purely on the basis that we hadn’t been together long

He didn't know that .. he just chose to take that view.

The two women I know who fell pregnant early (earlier than six months) are still together with their partner's years later. It depends on the people, and on then being open and tolerant in making it work.

He chose to be negative.

Even if it hadn't worked out, he could've taken the view that you would both give it your best shot and if it really couldn't work then you could civilly coparent your child.

He just didn't want the responsibility and the ties, when it sank in.

Your behaviour was not unusual/unexpected in the circumstances and was an excuse ... To make him feel less of a bastard. But he is a bastard.

he was explaining to her that we had had sex and there had been bleeding. There was literally nothing he wouldn’t speak to her about.

I really don't know many (any?) men like that.

Lack of boundaries.

Weird, unhealthy dynamic.

Honestly you have dodged a bullet.

He hasn't grown up.

Did he phone her with a report on every pop he did from the toilet too?

*poo

I keep thinking i shouldn’t have taken the tablet and asking myself why I did. It was weak of me wasn’t it.

I so wanted him to turn round and say yes we will be ok and let’s do this. I didn’t expect for a second he would actually ask me to leave then not speak to me until checking in with my mum that I had terminated

Is he an only child? Youngest child?

He sounds well on his way to becoming one of those dysfunctional unmarried mammy's boys who women date, only to discover exactly why they are single in their 40s and beyond.

If he ever does get married and/or has children (probably because mammy wants her grandchildren now) you have got to feel sorry for his partner.

He'll relay every minute detail of everything to his mum, no privacy, no boundaries .. probably having to deal with her as a third person all the time in the marriage.

It was weak of me wasn’t it.

It absolutely was not. You did what you thought was best at the time.

And it sounds like you were miscarrying anyway. It's very common.

You were shell shocked, devastated, and facing a pregnancy and potentially raising a child on your own due to his behaviour.

It sounds like you may not have had the option of continuing the pregnancy anyway.

until checking in with my mum that I had terminated

What a fkg coward.

He doesn't want to speak to you because he's have to deal with your pain etc.

Because it would make him feel bad.

That roundabout way can avoid that for him.

Notice he wanted to make sure you'd done it so he's off the hook and won't be getting any child maintenance etc letters in future. Do you really think if you hadn't (though it sounds like you miscarried anyway) his attitude would be any different - I don't.

I've heard women day this about men like these before on other forums - they withdrew all support, wouldn't communicate with the woman, told her they didn't want to be s father etc, pushed her toward an abortion and then afterwards claimed they didn't think she'd really do it, and they would have been ok with it if she hadn't etc. It's utter lies. They'd still be acting the sane way. But they say it so they can feel.like they aren't responsible and it was her independent decision, not one they drive her to

It's sickening.

*say
*drove

I do think he would have been there for the child and definitely would have provided financial support. I was just astonished that he could say the relationship was over if I proceeded with it. It was all so confusing in the end and the fact he didn’t speak to me the week after I left, and then didn’t text me for info but text my mum, certainly smacked of immaturity and a coldness I have never experienced before.