Please can anyone help me with this, I’m desperate

[User200002020]

I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.

After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.

I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.

I was terrible to him though, when I felt like he was talking behind my back and I just lost it

Yeah obviously you did? You were pregnant and he was starting to show you that you weren't safe with him! That's literally exactly what you should have done, been angry as hell with him. What else could you have done? I mean I guess you could have just walked out and said nothing and never spoken to him again... but that would be the same outcome?

You're honestly just explaining a situation that many women have been in. You didn't do anything wrong. You got pregnant by a man who wasn't great and didn't step up, then the pregnancy ended. No-one really did anything wrong. It just wasn't meant to be.

I remember once he told me that he had thoughts he was being turned on by children

.... OP.... again.... you dodged a bullet. It's fine to be sad but you're going in circles over someone who would have ruined your and your potential child's life.

I feel gutted that I put my all into into only to be shot down when I needed him to be there.

Yes, this is the crux of it. Take comfort, we have literally ALL been there. Your situation is unique because it's you going through it, but at the same time, ALL of us here will have been in a situation where someone we thought was lovely really let us down when we were vulnerable and in need of support.

You will feel better in time.

I encourage you to recognise when you're being nasty to yourself, and instead of berating yourself for "doing something" that ended this relationship - just reframe it and remember that you dodged a bullet.

You had been ignoring massive red flags for months. The universe saved you from yourself. Really it did x

Thank you

once he told me that he had thoughts he was being turned on by children

What?

I looked into it and it’s a common thing where intrusive thoughts are concerned

It's probably also a common thing when someone has paedophilic tendencies.

Might I suggest that you are rather too open-minded, supportive, and tolerant. Some people are; it generally leads then into shit relationships.

Maybe he doesn't want a child because he's aware enough to know/fear that he'd be a danger to them.

It genuinely is a recognised mental health problem. He didn’t have feelings for children it was just intrusive thoughts. I was just trying to explain that I had supported him and so when it came to this I guess I expected support too from him, no abandonment at a time I needed him.

You are taking a dramatic view of your relationship both before and after. It might help you to see it as a story as old as the hills.

You started seeing a man who at 37 had never had a long term relationship. He told you that you are special, not like the other girls, and he can see a future with you but of course it was too early to take any action on that future. You got pregnant. He saw that you were super keen to be effectively married. He had to take rapid action to make absolutely certain that didn't happen. He dropped you like a hot potato.

Bog standard gullible girl gets taken in by a player then brutally dumped when it all gets a bit serious. A tale as old as time.

I would have done anything to make us a family and have it work. This is 100% NOT what he wanted no matter what sweet words he uttered when he was trying to get into your knickers.

@GilbertMarkham

I've read all the op's threads and I posted something similar to what another.poster said.

I think the op had rose-tinted spec on and she didn't really know him that well. that the relationship wasn't perfect and that the pregnancy exposed this before it got serious.

I think the guy's getting an unfair bashing. He was a twat but no-ones blameless in this situation. Unplanned pregnancy is a risk of having sex protected or unprotected. Him aside, you reacting the way you did wasn't good for you and you should explore why you couldn't be calm for yourself - not anyone else.

In principle don't think there's anything wrong with a man talking to his mother about medical sexual problems if he's seeking advice from another female.

I appreciate that in this case it is slightly unhealthy but my point still stands that this can't have been news?

I also want you to take care of yourself op because you could have it easier than this and you do deserve to be happy.

once he told me that he had thoughts he was being turned on by children

Are you serious?

Firstly, drip feed.

Secondly, you knew this and you wanted to have a family with him? After knowing him for six months and suspecting he had mental health problems and mommy issues?

This is what I mean op!

People can’t help mental health issues though. It doesn’t make someone bad?

Oh love. Please, you need to work on yourself. The fact that someone MIGHT not be "bad" is not a reason to pine for a family with them.

You need to find a partner who is actively, whole-heartedly GOOD.

I agree with the pp, your story is really a tale as old as time. A 37yo man with mummy issues who wants to get laid, tells a woman what she wants to hear, until she becomes an inconvenience and he dumps her. It's not nice, but it's also not special in any way. Men do this kind of thing all the time.

You didn't really know this person, the first test of knowing him came when you told him you were pregnant. And, guess what, the moment he had to put sweet words into action, obviously he was like "fuck that" and he was out of there.

Again, this isn't anything special. It's a bog standard ordinary story. He was a man who worked on a woman with words, and when the actions were needed, it fell apart.

Plus, you do not need to pick up every broken bird off the side of the road and convince yourself "it's not their fault" and "maybe they don't mean to be bad" etc. etc. No. You need to look for a partner whose ACTIONS are good. Consistently. For years on end.

This guy was showing you who he was for the whole 6 months and you were carefully ignoring his actions in favour of sweet words... in the end, like I said, you were saved from yourself and you are actually very lucky indeed.

It’s a recognised mental health issue and so no I didn’t want to run away from him, life isn’t easy for anyone is it? It wasn’t a reason for me to discard him.

Although now of course I do wish I had

Do you really not think there is someone out there better for you than someone who has thoughts about children?

Someone like that should be getting help- separately.

It’s a recognised mental health issue and so no I didn’t want to run away from him, life isn’t easy for anyone is it? It wasn’t a reason for me to discard him.

Ok, then how about reframing it as ending the relationship because you can see that he's not in the right place, mental health wise, for a relationship?

That is helping him. Staying with him in a relationship he is not stable enough to deal with... That's not.

In principle don't think there's anything wrong with a man talking to his mother about medical sexual problems if he's seeking advice from another female.

It seems like he shares everything with his mother, all the time.

That is not healthy or well adjusted.

He didn’t have feelings for children it was just intrusive thoughts.

Someone telling me they have intrusive thoughts about being turned on by children would be enough for me to not want them within 6 ft of any child I knew, including any potential child of mine.

You looked it up and it's common etc. - look, psychologists/psychiatrists etc. often get things wrong, and their theories and approached are changing all the time .. I wouldn't be researching, analysing or coming to conclusions on my own/full stop. Particularly with something that has such dangerous potential.

I've been concentrating on his (and his mother's) boundaries (alongside his rather callous, cowardiy behaviour.faced with an unplanned pregnancy) but I'm now thinking your boundaries should be a major focus.

Many things about him, especially this issue (for me anyway) are red flags. Very red flags. Things that should have someone thinking "not relationship material". Instead you seemed to be all about understanding and supporting and nit judging and tolerating etc etc. You didn't even mention this until you wanted to demonstrate something where you were supportive but he wasn't supportive back when you were upset etc. in the shit situation in his home after the pregnancy was discovered.

I find that disturbing to be honest.

You may have gotten away from this man ,(unintentionally), but I dread to think what else you're going to get into (and any potential kids) if this sort of shit doesn't make you stop and the very large stop sign you should be paying heed to.

*at the very large stop sign

Risk to children or not, he clearly has serious serious issues (and can't function without constant guidance/reassurance etc from his mum), he's not relationship material and you don't need to be Florence nightingale, mother Theresa, psychotherapist, 'stand by your man" type .... You lack self preservation, you need to be judgemental.

If there's one thing I'd say to you it's be more judgemental, have more boundaries .... It's not always a bad thing to be, sometimes it's a very good thing.

It wasn’t a reason for me to discard him.

It should have been in my view.

And don't see it as a discard. See it as finding/choosing the best potential partner for you, and the best potential dad for any kids you may have. Avoiding candidates with mental health issue kills two birds with one stone in that regard.

*issues

I commented on your last thread and it bares repeating, the perfection you was sold was exposed the second he no longer felt in control. If it wasn’t this it probably would have been something different.

The reality is that relatively few relationships survive an unexpected pregnancy in the early stages and unfortunately, yours was one of them.

The honeymoon bubble was burst the second shit got real for him. Grieve the relationship and hopefully in time you’ll see that if you’d have stayed, treading on eggshells would have been a very high price to pay for staying.

I can't help wondering what the birth control fail was here. The repercussions of this could be a key part behind the extreme reaction the OP is having. There is some drip feeding going on and I wonder if we have the whole story.

I didn’t see the mental health as a red flag but perhaps should have done. I just struggle to see how someone who declares their love one week can leave me alone to deal with everything a week later. It doesn’t make sense and he can’t have been genuine

Mental health is just added information- it's neutral.

It affects how people are able to respond in certain situations. That then determines how you respond.

His mental health problems are not in themselves an issue, however at a time of stress he wasn't able to support you (possibly because of his own mental health issues, possibly because he's an arse). It's really tough being in a relationship with someone who can't support you.

Please see this as a blessing.

You've got three choices. Is he:

1. An arsehole who never really cared
2. A fragile guy who fell apart at the first sign of trouble
3. A great guy who you drive away with your extreme behaviour around pregnancy miscarriage and termination.

1. Doesn't really wash. Great guys are not driven away by a woman's reasonable concern about a pregnancy.

So it's 1 or 2, and you dodged a bullet either way.

His mental health problems are not in themselves an issue

They are actually - three are piles of powered in here who are adversely affected by their partner's MH issues - and their children too if they gave them.

In most cases they are living in a way you wouldn't wish in anybody. It doesn't have to be huge and dramatic; it still has a detrimental effect on their life, the drip drip drip of it.

In this case ; given his MH issues include "intrusive thoughts" about being turned on by children .... They most definitely are an issue. That's extremely disturbing.

(I also have to wonder if it's possibly some kind of prep/testing to see what op's reaction is to the subject.

It coincides with a high level of interaction ( is it "supervision?) by his mother, at nearly 40 yrs old.

I wonder if there's anything criminal in his background, even cautions or incidents not prosecuted?

• there are piles of posters

I just struggle to see how someone who declares their love one week can leave me alone to deal with everything a week later. It doesn’t make sense and he can’t have been genuine

He doesn't sound well adjusted or stable.

So there's no point in expecting well adjusted, stable behaviour from him.

Also, as other posters have pointed out; unplanned pregnancies in the early part of any relationship always has the potential for the man to wash his hands of it/scarper/however you want to put it. And that's relatively normal people; which he does not sound.