Please can anyone help me with this, I’m desperate

[User200002020]

I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.

After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.

I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.

Of course it is reasonable to expect that your happy relationship of 6 months is strong enough to withstand and then deal with an unexpected pregnancy!!

That is far more normal than your experience with a very immature and weak-sounding man who seems to be unable to communicate any issues he might have had - on the phone to his family for hours??? He should have been too busy talking to / looking after you. Pathetic little twat. And for what its worth from what you've said I do believe that you had a miscarriage. So, Mother Nature, not you, tablets irrelevant.

Please please do not blame yourself. Your behaviour and reaction to him did not harm your child or fuck up your relationship. I think you were spot on saying he would be a bad father. He singlehandedly destroyed your relationship, of his own free will, and you have dodged a bullet x

Also, post on here as much as you want. We are very wise and there is always someone around to help x

It does sound like this was a miscarriage op.

You need to take a step back, to only have been together for six months but already living together is very quick, as you’ve seen, you didn’t really know each other or have time to let the relationship deepen. To then throw in an unexpected pregnancy where one wants it and the other doesn’t, it can cause most relationships to break.

He could already have been having second thoughts about the relationship and he may have been concerned it wasn’t a contraceptive failure more a deliberate ploy on your part, unless it was condoms you both used, and then the crying on the floor etc may have simply speeded up the exit, it sounds very stressful for both of you, but in different ways.

Ultimately the pregnancy put paid to the relationship and the pregnancy wasn’t viable. He wasn’t in that place where he wished to have a child with you. Nothing you could have done from the moment of finding out about the pregnancy could have resulted in you being a happy family together.

It has led you both to understand the relationship was also not viable though. There is nothing to blame yourself for here. It simply is what it is.

You really see someone's core when you put them in a position of a lot of stress and responsibility .. you really see their integrity.
He is lacking.

I've also heard of s lot of guys who are easygoing and positive about a potential pregnancy .. until it happens and then they absolutely shit themselves and are faced with the realities of having a child in 9 short months .. and then it's "get a termination".

It's also not them who has to do it so they can be be cavalier.

I actually find men who have barrier free sex but then expect everyone else to solve the resulting "problem" of their ejaculation despicable.

Thank you for saying I can post as much as I want. It is helping.

What I can’t get my head round is how he was so wonderful before. He was never a hugely romantic person but he always used to say that he cared very much about ‘being decent.’ He even said he worried about being decent, he would always question his behaviour to make sure he was behaving decently. When he told me these things I thought oh how nice what a nice way to be.

But now this has happened I can’t help but feel I have pushed a man to the extreme, given he was someone who was so so bothered about behaving decently. He even said to me that I had caused the relationship to break down, not him, and that it was on my head. He said his mother had said he should be wary if I was unable to deal with a crisis in a calm way.

The thing is I did lash out and I did get upset but his increasing calls to family in private and the way he was so clearly trying to find fault with me and us as a reason to terminate, made me feel so confused and sad and upset. I suggested leaving a few times and he has since said that him asking me to leave was him agreeing to MY previous suggestions. The last thing I said to him was let me get us a nice dinner for when you are home from work and we can have a calm chat about it all. His response was that it was too late and I should pack my bags. A week later he text my mum to ask if I had terminated. He didn’t even want to contact me then and used the excuse that I didn’t want to hear from him after the break up.

Oh lovely, it wasn't you, it was all him. He's messed you around. messed with your head and then left you to sort it all out on your own. It wasn't anything you did, he's an arsehole.

No one can say for sure what happened with your pregnancy but you don't deserve to feel guilty either way. You had to make some very difficult decisions whilst no doubt still reeling from his mind fuck of a reaction and I really think you need to give yourself a break.

I also think you need to remember that you're only just scratching the surface of getting to know someone 6 months in, what you've seen since you told him you were pregnant will be a far more accurate picture of who he is than the one he's painted for you until now.

But now the mask has slipped, you've seen what he's like when tested by something big and you know you can't rely on him. You deserve better than that OP and in time you will realise he wasn't good enough for you. Take time to heal now, you've been through a lot, but please stop blaming yourself. You did your best in a very difficult situation and the only person who deserves any blame here is him

but he always used to say that he cared very much about ‘being decent.’ He even said he worried about being decent, he would always question his behaviour to make sure he was behaving decently.

This is odd.

Noone who is naturally decent had to question and check whether they're acting decently.

He's aware he'd not quite right, by the sound of it.

In fact I'd say he's not acted decently in the past and is aware of it.

I think he suffered from mental health issues and that was part of his worrying. I am not sure why he was fixated on that.

But now this has happened I can’t help but feel I have pushed a man to the extreme, given he was someone who was so so bothered about behaving decently.

Nope.

He's concerned about acting decently (or appearing to) because he's knows he's not.

And this had proved it monumentally.

I'll tell you what a decent man's reaction would have been in this situation - "What do you want to do? We'll make the best of it, we'll be alright, whatever it happens. I'll support you".

Sounds like he was the one who wasn't calm and rational if you tell him your pregnant and he tells you to get out of his house. Seriously you are well rid of this man. Imagine what he'd have been like at the birth etc. It would have been awful.

I know men whose partners told them they were pregnant less than six months into a relationship; they're both still together and have two kids each.

They didn't tell them to leave, that was despicable.

He sounds very manipulative.

Acted in such a way that you felt deeply uncomfortable in his home so when you left he hadn't told you to, you had device to (shite).

Acted in such a way that you felt the only option was a termination, but that was somehow only your decision.

He was giving you no support. The opposite.

He got what he wanted ... But he wont be able to admitt that and be the bad guy do it'll all be you.

*decided

I think he suffered from mental health issues

Another very good reason to be glad you're not having a child with him.

His response was that it was too late and I should pack my bags

Another piece of self serving bullshit.

It's never too late to discuss things if you want to be with someone and want to work it out. It was an excuse.

You didn't push him to the extreme.

Something unexpected happened. Instead of supporting you and working through the decision together, he threw you to the wolves then complained you were emotional.

Only dickheads complain that the people they have upset are upset.

Thank you for replying and taking this through.

I am finding things so hard. I am not sure how I have got through the last few days. I am scared to feel even a flicker of happiness as I don’t think I deserve it.

I think the worst if it is that I feel I lost the chance of a family, if only I had behaved differently.

This wasn't about your behaviour. It never was. It's about his.

His mask slipped after six months and you saw the real him.

The lovey dovey facade he was putting on was to basically keep you sweet and get sex. He wasn’t up for a long term/real life relationship....he just wants the fun parts.

You had a lucky escape from him.

Sorry about your miscarriage and the stress he brought you.

Thanks. Just keep going over it all. I would have done anything to make us a family and have it work.

I am scared to feel even a flicker of happiness as I don’t think I deserve it.

It sounds very much like you were miscarrying anyway.
It's one in three pregnancies that end in miscarriage, I think.

You didn't even have to take the second pill.

Even if it wasn't (though it sounds like it was) it was very early by the sounds of it.
Lots and lots of women have terminations every day for various reasons (usually later than you by the sounds of it).

There are also many women on here who say they are glad they have their kids but if they could go back and have them with a different father they would. You have that chance.

The ongoing life long negative effects of having a child with a poor father, for the mother and the child, are significant.

I would strongly suggest you get some counseling OP.
This bloke has done a total number on you.
He doesn't sound in any way a good person to have a dc with.
With the right support hopefully you will come to see this in the future.

I think the worst if it is that I feel I lost the chance of a family, if only I had behaved differently

Maybe you do need some counselling op to help you process what’s occured. The speed and shock of it.

I can only stress there was never a chance of a family with this man, you likely miscarried and he didn’t wish a child. It was nothing to do with your behaviour. Some things are simply not to be and nothing we can do can ever change that. Holding onto a fantasy of something that could not ever have been and blaming yourself is just going to cause you more pain.

I think the worst if it is that I feel I lost the chance of a family, if only I had behaved differently.

With your owns eggs most women are fj e til 40, some after 40.

With donor eggs - until you feel it's inappropriate. Late 40s women have done so.

This man essentially threw you out when he found out you were pregnant and blamed you for being emotional, stressed and scared.

I was scared shitless when I fell pregnant (and we were trying!!), and in a pretty ltr (though we'd had two breaks during it) .... I absolutely crapped myself, had a melt down, I phoned Marie Stopes and talked about possible termination .... And my dp didn't say anything other than "I think it will be a good thing".

He later said he didn't think our relationship could've survived a termination (he couldn't have gotten past it) but he didn't even tell me that at the time. Just let me work through it.

Can I ask how old you are OP? I very much doubt you've lost the chance to have a family. I think it sounds like you had a miscarriage but in any case you should not feel any guilt about the termination you planned to have.

He sounds horrendous, sorry. Don't give him the excuse of having mental health problems, that's just offensive to anyone that does. You need to get to the point where you see yourself as having dodged a great big bullet by this pregnancy and HIS REACTION TO IT precipitating a break up - thank god you only wasted 6 months on this self involved twat.

Anyone who questions whether they're decent is not decent! And he clearly couldn't care less if he's actually decent, only whether he appears to be.

Don't waste any more time trying to figure him out, and don't believe his bullshit that it's your fault he dumped you. If it wasn't so sad it would be funny, honestly. He's laughably pathetic!

Take care of yourself

OP, you are not hearing us - or not taking what we are saying on board.
You are still stuck, repeating endlessly your erroneous belief that if you had behaved differently then everything would have been fine, and you would have an idyllic family life with a wonderful partner.
Please stop! You are just desperately rehashing a fantasy, trying to find some way of making it true.
This man rejected you and his unborn child. He never had any intention of being a good father or husband. He was ok with using you until things became inconvenient for him - when you suddenly had need of his support, he ran a mile. He manipulated you to get rid of you as fast as possible.
There is NOTHING you could have done or said or changed that would have made him stay.
Please ditch your rose tinted glasses, and move on. Put this ghastly man behind you, accept what has happened, and seek counselling, before embarking on any future relationships. The longer you remain trapped in “what might have beens”, the longer you delay your healing and happiness with someone else.