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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please can anyone help me with this, I’m desperate

161 replies

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 11:56

I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.

After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.

I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.

OP posts:

foreversville · 29/04/2020 18:54

I've read your thread before and the reason you keep starting new ones is because you get told the same thing on all the threads and then you don't like it.

You really need to speak to a professional about what you're going through.

You say you had a perfect relationship, but then you moan about how close to his mum he is, how he's unaffectionate and unemotional...it obviously wasn't perfect!

You are 37 for goodness sakes in a 'ok' relationship for 6 months. You expected waayy too much from him. Why should he want a baby after 6 months with you just because you got pregnant. Unplanned, as you say.

Putting all the threads together your behaviour was way out of control and you're still riding that out of control high. You need proper help, which you don't want you just want him back.

Forget about him and leave him alone!

rvby · 29/04/2020 19:05

You sound very young. You are going to be fine.

Six months isn't enough to know someone well, at all. And, as you explain more about him, it's clear you were ignoring very very clear red flags. Sorry but you really did. It was crystal clear that this guy was weird. Any 37yo man, ANY man of ANY age, chatting to his mum about your vaginal bleeding after sex was never going to be a good dad... that was really obvious and for some reason you ignored that?

What happened with the pregnancy was a massive bullet dodged.

It's ok to be sad, of course it's sad. But please don't spiral into the underworld on account of a man baby that you knew six months - having a child with him would have been a disaster area and you're actually extremely lucky that the pregnancy didn't continue. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you do sound like you need to shake yourself back into reality here.

Not sure where the "you were weak for taking the tablets" bit comes from? You needed to end your pregnancy. You were pregnant to a manchild who pulled the rug from you. There's nothing weak about that. That's just the way life turns out sometimes, nothing weak about it. In any event, you were probably already miscarrying so it's a moot point.

There's no cosmic punishment here OP. Just bad luck with an unsuitable man that led to you two not having a child together. You have now parted ways, and something better will come along, if you let it.

Prettybubblesintheair · 29/04/2020 19:07

Sorry I thought the OP said she was 37. Yes she does sound much younger.

No, it wasn’t weak of you. The pregnancy probably wasn’t viable. You need to stop thinking like that.

Opentooffers · 29/04/2020 19:10

I would hazard a guess that you would not have been crying on the floor had he not already said some awful things to you. Yes you weren't calm, but I think that was because of his appalling behaviour towards you. Had he been supportive and accepted at least 50% of the responsibility, would you really have behaved yourself like that.
Face the fact that he behaved as he did because he was previously lying to you about how strong he felt. He was giving you patter and spiel to keep you interested, but this was not backed up with any feeling on his part. All round you have had a lucky escape and the pregnancy scare just shone a big light on what a lying toad he is. I'd guess he's not much of a catch and knows he has issues but covers it up with flattery and promises of a future.
I remember your previous post, he's got a worse life than you most likely, because he's stuck pleasing his mother for the rest of it.
Just block and move on from him, stop rehashing in your brain, he's not worth it, never was.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:11

This.

picklemewalnuts · 29/04/2020 19:13

Your best chance of having a happy family isn't with this guy, with his over involved mother, poor boundaries and selfishness, it's a good thing it's over because it gives you time to meet someone much better, someone who will be a good dad and partner.

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 19:14

I was terrible to him though, when I felt like he was talking behind my back and I just lost it and said I may as well just go and said he wouldn’t be a good parent anyway etc. So I wasn’t perfect at all. I couldn’t really expect him to necessarily want the child but hearing him say he would carry on but had no faith in a future was so difficult and made me feel like i was stuck. He then later said if I went ahead there was no relationship anyway as he didn’t want someone who wasn’t calm.

He’d only ever lived with someone for four months before me. He said that me and him were a team and it was different living with me, it worked.

I’m sorry I’ve posted so much, I’ve just reallly needed support today

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:17

I do think he would have been there for the child

I'm not so sure.

You said mental health issues may have been hinted at.

He has a dysfunctional, codependent, boundary lacking relationship with his mother.

He's talked about "calm" as had his mother, there been an implication he can't handle stress, pressure, high emotion etc. I find it very hard to imagine how someone like that could parent well. Babies and small children are loud, demanding, stressful, relentless, high octane, the epitome of emotional, have no perspective or reasoning, and basically test the limit of your patience, tolerance, endurance, calm, kindness etc. Then apparently they improve somewhat as older children, then many become the above and worse as teenagers.

picklemewalnuts · 29/04/2020 19:18

He doesn't get to choose how you feel when he pulls the rug out from under your feet. He doesn't get to behave shittily then dislike your response.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/04/2020 19:19

What about you, OP? Have you had other relationships?

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:20

I was terrible to him though, when I felt like he was talking behind my back and I just lost it and said I may as well just go and said he wouldn’t be a good parent anyway

You weren't terrible to him, not one bit. You naturally became exasperated, hurt, angry and anxious at his withdrawal, his negativity and his inappropriate exclusion of you from discussions with his mother. Discussions he really shouldn't have been having with her.

foreversville · 29/04/2020 19:21

So he's not allowed to talk to his mother about his gf of 6 months accidental pregnancy?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/04/2020 19:23

I was terrible to him though, when I felt like he was talking behind my back and I just lost it and said I may as well just go and said he wouldn’t be a good parent anyway

Sounds like a rather normal argument to me. Have you any friends? Do you ever have disagreements with them?

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:24

Don't worry about posting "too much".

If it helps you at all, it's worth doing.

Good posters on here who genuinely want to help someone don't mind.

If they think counselling might help they'll point you at that, but that's not to say you can't get perspective from other people.

When dozens of people say similar things it should tell you something.

Also have you been on any sites/forums fir women who've had terminations (or partial ones as you had) ... It might be helpful to read what they're saying and maybe discuss it.

There is a pregnancy choices board on here that might be helpful.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:25

So he's not allowed to talk to his mother about his gf of 6 months accidental pregnancy?

He was having constant conversations and not communicating with op.

He also has a background of being very regularly in contact with his mother and discussing absolutely everything with her.

RTFT.

MashedSpud · 29/04/2020 19:26

It wasn’t him discussing the pregnancy it was him discussing bleeding during sex.....

This man is 37 not 17.

Be thankful it’s over op. Him and mummykins would have controlled everything about a child. You wouldn’t have had a say in anything.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:27

He’d only ever lived with someone for four months before me.

Really? What a surprise.

Haffiana · 29/04/2020 19:28

OP, you said in your last thread that you suspected that he had mental health issues. He has only ever had one short relationship in his life and he is 37...

Please be careful in the rest of your life. It is not your place in a relationship to 'be calm' or whatever in order to keep the peace. Keeping the peace, not being upset, behaving like a good girl so that your partner is not stressed is not the mark of a relationship between two adults. It isn't up to you to keep it perfect. That is why it can take years to really get to know someone, long past the first rush of infatuation.

You don't know someone when you are straining to keep the relationship ideal, to keep it all perfect. You will lose yourself trying to be the perfect person and at this stage in your life you are in great danger from that. Add mental health issues to that mix - and you really do not know how lucky you are to have dodged that bullet.

Please consider some talking therapy. You are extremely vulnerable. I wish I could give you a hug... Your GP can point you in the right direction.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:29

He said that me and him were a team

I wouldn't like to be a team with that guy anywhere, but I'm just imagining a survival situation; you'd end up dead. And he'd be trying his hardest to get home to his mammy.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 19:30

Excellent post from Haffiana.

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 19:33

His mental health issues were things like obsessive thoughts and inability to think rationally. I felt sorry for him about this and wanted to support him as best I could. He would get very upset by it and I remember once he told me that he had thoughts he was being turned on by children. I looked into it and it’s a common thing where intrusive thoughts are concerned. I suppose I just thought well I love him and will support him with this and I did.

I’m not sure whether his mental health had much to do with how he reacted to all this. I get what posters are saying about me not having to be perfect to keep a relationship. I feel gutted that I put my all into into only to be shot down when I needed him to be there.

I know I am going over old ground here, I just need to talk it out and I am thankful for those posters who are responding. Thank you so much. It feels dark and lonely where I am right now.

OP posts:

1smallhamsterfoot · 29/04/2020 19:35

Honestly the more you post the worse he sounds. How old are you.

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 19:35

People can’t help mental health issues though. It doesn’t make someone bad?
I’m 35

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/04/2020 19:37

I think if you want to help damaged people you should consider a career in the care or health sectors rather than getting romantically involved with someone who is not in the right place for a relationship and then trying to help them.

Original poster

User200002020 · 29/04/2020 19:38

I didn’t get involved with him because of his mental health. I’m just saying that I obviously wanted to support him.

OP posts:

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