Please can anyone help me with this, I’m desperate

[User200002020]

I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.

After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.

I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.

If you don't mind me saying so OP you're spending far too much time picking apart your own behaviour and actions and nowhere near enough picking apart his. You should be angry and disappointed at the way he's let you down and his lack of understanding and sensitivity at a time when you were understandably emotional, not looking for ways it might be your fault.

Neither of you planned for or expected your pregnancy but surely you can see how badly, even cruelly, he's acted towards you? Find your anger, whatever you did 'wrong' you didn't deserve the way he's treated you.

*sorry I should clarify he said "I think it will be a good thing" meaning having a child.

I guess this only goes to show that unexpected pregnancies can bring out the worst in people. If he was horrified by your ( normal) emotion, then he is not worth having. It also goes to show how important it is to really know someone before bringing a baby into the mix

Are you to OP who posted last week about a miscarriage and a break up in which the ex's mum had contacted you to tell you that he liked people to be calm and that you weren't calm enough?

If so, and even if it's not the same poster, I'm very sorry that you lost your pregnancy. As for the relatioship, it's a horrible circumstance under which to find out, but I think that you just have to accept that it wasn't what was promised.

A lot of people get caught up in hope and projecting a future based on an initial rush of attraction and the sunshiny honeymoon period (myself included) and they imagine futures and make promises that perhaps, in 18 month's time, might no longer be true. You are not alone in this and it sounds as though the pregnancy forced both your hands.

This aside, his swing from promising the world to not wanting kids and not knowing if he wanted a relationship is a total mindfuck and I think as PP have said, you might want to speak to a counsellor to sort through it in your head.

My ex did similar to me. Thought we'd been in a loving relationship for a year and he'd spoken about marriage and wanting kids.
Then I got pregnant and it all changed!
He suddenly didn't want to see me and asked me to get an abortion. I was in shock as I loved him a lot. How can people change so much and so quickly?
I had to go for the abortion on my own and he never even asked how I was.

The only good thing that's come of it for you, op, is that you know you dodged a bullet. You could have wasted years on a selfish waste of space.

the ex's mum had contacted you to tell you that he liked people to be calm and that you weren't calm enough?

Sorry but this is so ironic and blackly funny against the context of a potential pregnancy and child.

Try dealing with a screaming, pooping, non sleeping, colicky baby .. and fevers, illnesses, tantrums etc etc.

Thus dude is not father material, not now and probably not ever.

Why his mother would get involved in this farce of blaming you I'd beyond me - but then she has raised a son like him so ...

He was very close to his mum, almost daily calls and went to her about absolutely everything. I thought it was a nice trait.

I know I didn’t behave as calmly as I could. I think I am just shocked that we could have had such a happy home together even during lockdown for him to then, days after finding out, not only leave me but leave me to deal with that decision and just check in at the end of the week with my mum to see if it was all sorted. I must have been worthless to him in every sense.

His reason for not contacting me was that I wouldn’t want that after he had broke up with me. No matter what I said he just wanted to forget I existed. It all hurts so much. At 37 I would never have expected someone to behave that way.

I'm guessing in six months, this was the first thing to happen that tested the relationship? Everything was going well up till this point?

So it's no wonder you had only seen his lovely side, OP! You had no idea (how could you have?) what he would be like in a difficult situation, how he would react.

Well, now you know.

And now you know that six months is not long to get to know someone. You need to see them in a lot of different situations, and after the first flush of excitement wears off (takes about two years, I reckon) before you start really to get to know someone.

This is why some people start off thinking of their OH as a date, then a bf, long before they become a partner. It's fun to spend time gradually getting to know someone. Have a think about why you moved in so quickly. I recommend taking it slower in future. Enjoy each stage. And then, if something does go wrong, it's easier to say goodbye.

He was very close to his mum, almost daily calls and went to her about absolutely everything. I thought it was a nice trait.

Sounds codependent.

Also sounds like she knows he needs a lot of "support" and her phone call (which was shitty incidentally) suggests she's well vaware he has "issues" and can't cope with normal stuff.

Someone not being "calm" when they find out about an unplanned pregnancy and the father is not being supportive .. is normal btw.

went to her about absolutely everything

Sorry, I'm just absorbing this properly - you know this guy is not a grown-up, right?

Unhealthy relationship with mum, sounds like he can't think for himself and manage his own shit.

He was always going to shit himself, dump you and run if any responsibility loomed.

Honestly OP you saw his true colours and unless you were planning to lead a perfect life where you never annoyed him or got upset over anything then it was always going to end. It wasnt real, all relationships can be okay with no stresses it's how you deal with the lows in life that make or break them.

OP age is no guarantee of emotional maturity as your ex so ably demonstrated.

You are honestly fortunate to have left this relationship.

"Someone not being "calm" when they find out about an unplanned pregnancy and the father is not being supportive .. is normal btw."

OMG, This ^^ in spades! You are not a robot!

OP, you have not aborted a much-wanted baby and destroyed a wonderful relationship with a perfect man. You miscarried, losing the baby was not your fault, even though you took that tablet. This man was clearly a shit, an emotional man-child that ran for the hills as soon as he was not getting what he wanted or having life the way he wanted. Life tested him, as it does all of us, and he was found wanting. As for his mother getting involved, don't get me started. You have dodged a bullet. Yes, the whole situation is shit and it hurts like hell but you are now free to meet someone who can give you the loving relationship you want, a real partner in life and have a child with someone good and decent who deserves you both. Please try to start moving on - you might miss out on that relationship because you are giving this one too much headspace.

How old are you OP? What experience apart from this do have have about relationships?

Look, I am very sorry about your miscarriage, but after only 6 months you have NO idea who a person is. It doesn't matter what he told you, or what you told him for that matter, you both should have been slowly getting to know one another and finding out -together- what your feelings and hopes for the future were. Why did you move in with him so quickly?

You have posted about this before. It doesn't matter how many people you get assuring you that you are perfect and how wicked your boyfriend of 6 months was in not wanting to continue the relationship, it will not help the anguish you are clearly experiencing. I strongly suggest that you try to find some sort of talking therapy so that you can process what happened and find some peace. You can ask your GP for a referral as a first port of call.

But please, do not rush things next time.

I don’t think I am perfect at all or that he was wicked for wanting to end it. I felt hurt that he led me to believe things were great between us, for him then to leave me at a moment when I really did need him.

I don’t expect posts here to get rid of the anguish but I just needed to talk about it. I can’t get therapy this second.

The reason I am mulling it all over is because it all happened to quickly and I went from what I thought was so perfect to having everything ripped from under me. I would have embraced a life with him and put my all into it and carried on, if he hadn’t been so against it. I thought we were very happy.

How old are you, OP?

I understand wanting to talk about it. The thing is, I'm not sure that it is helping you. You seem stuck on a couple of things, that you have done something wrong, that you could have done something differently.

Usually I'm all for trying to work out what went wrong so you can avoid mistakes. This time though there was one mistake- him. He isn't who you thought he was.

Maybe he thought he wanted all the same things you did. Then reality kicked in and he wasn't ready. He needs to be in control of the situation, it needs to be on his terms. Anything unexpected, anything that was not about him, and he couldn't cope. Effectively it's like he wanted to be the child and have the relationship on his terms.

I felt hurt that he led me to believe things were great between us, for him then to leave me at a moment when I really did need him.

Clearly for him things weren't great, no matter what front he put on. Outwardly he may well have been acting all was fine but inside his mind he knew it wasnt.

You have to start moving towards acceptance that he chose to end things. He didn't want a future or a baby with you. That's incredibly difficult to digest but it is reality.

This was clear before you broke down crying so stop looking for the one thing you did that turned the tables.

I also think counselling will help you process all this.

You thought you had your future mapped out and it hurts it hadn't worked out how you thought. But that's the way life goes. We have no control whatsoever over what other people do.

Please be kind to yourself OP. You’ve been through a lot so don’t waste your time agonising over what YOU did wrong.

Focus on healing after that trauma and be thankful that you got rid of him allowing space for someone who will love and support you.

*He didn't want a future or a baby with you."

Hard to imagine any man who's on the phone daily to his mummy discussing everything wanting a baby with anyone .. he's not an adult himself. He just looks like one.

Even if he does have a child with someone - would you want to be the wife or partner caught up in a dynamic like this?

Bullet dodged.

Oh op, I really feel for you. What an absolute whirlwind of emotions. He was not the one for you, he’s shown you who he really is and you need to remember him for that, not the “perfect man” you thought he was because he really wasn’t. He’s proven that in how he handled this. And I promise you, him breaking up with you had nothing to do with you not being calm. If it hadn’t been this it would have been something else a few weeks or months down the line that he broke up with you over. And it also almost definitely did not cause you to miscarry so please don’t feel guilty. I know it hurts right now but it will get better with time. Be kind to yourself, this wasn’t your only chance to have a family. You’re only 37, you have time. Just let yourself heal first

Clearly for him things weren't great, no matter what front he put on. Outwardly he may well have been acting all was fine but inside his mind he knew it wasnt.

I disagree actually - i think things were fine for him while there was no stress or responsibility.

Once there was, and this sort of thing (pregnancy let alone unplanned pregnancy) is huge, he couldn't handle not and wanted out. Leaving op to bear the physical and emotional brunt if it. And using bullshit excuses ("you weren't calm") to try to excuse it.

Op's not the first poster on here to have a man do this and sadly won't be the last.

This guy sounds like a particularly dysfunctional man-child though.

Some people are happy to go along with a relationship and enjoy what it offers in the here and now and know it's not for keeps. Perhaps this is what happened here. Outwardly he was enjoying himself but the pregnancy made him address his feelings and action that.

Ultimately none of us can say why he did what he did.

Bottom line though is the relationship has ended and no amount of musing is going to change the situation.

And act on that*