I have posted before but set up new account after realising my login was on ex’s laptop. I hope it is ok to post again, I know it is frowned upon, in just in a state.
After seeing someone only 6 months, I was pregnant, failed birth control. I thought I was in a happy stable environment, even though it was early. We were just getting on with life day to day, living together, really very happy. He was 37 and had said many times this was it for him, he’d found the right one in me etc etc.
As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he said he would support me with whatever but for him he didn’t see the relationship lasting. He said he would try his best and hope that it would, but basically he didn’t have much faith. He then said he thought it was best I have a termination. I was distraught. The more upset I got, the more he said it confirmed his decision that the relationship was no longer right and regardless of what I did with the pregnancy, he didn’t want a relationship but would be in the child’s life. He then said he wanted me to move out, which I did, having not come to a decision about what to do with the pregnancy. He didn’t speak to me all week and the following weekend he text my mum !!! To ask if I had had a termination. On the back of all this I am ashamed to say that I panicked and booked in for a termination with the pills two days later. The day I went in to take the first tablet, I was already bleeding. They couldn’t tell if it was a viable pregnancy yet as there was nothing in the sac, it was too early. But instead of waiting, I took the first tablet and the pregnancy passed without the need for the second lot of tablets.
I don’t know why I am posting really. I feel in shock and like I went from this happy, loving environment to a complete nightmare. I’ve always wanted a family and had thought me and him were for keeps (I know it was early but we seemed to be on the same wavelength). When he suddenly asked me to leave and didn’t speak to me I felt I had to terminate. I will never know if I caused the termination or I was already miscarrying. The point is that I did take that tablet and I feel awful about it. I didn’t know what to do.
Can anyone help me come to terms with this. Have I been completely stupid here, was I cruel to have become upset at his hesitance in a future? Did I cause him to ask me to leave and not speak to me again other than to ask if I had got rid? I am so confused and head is swimming.