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Original poster

Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

235 replies

Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 10:46

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/04/2020 10:50

I'm really sorry but that doesn't sound like harmless banter. They're both out of order but he's your partner, she's not.

I'd be wondering where all those messages have gone that they've been sending to check in on each other over the past month.

Did you take a photo of the messages or screenshot them?

Original poster
Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 10:51

Ps I should mention the text that came through was part of a group chat they have set up through work.. But those other messages were directly between them two only.

OP posts:
Musti · 27/04/2020 10:53

The bastard cheated on you at the beginning (honeymoon period) of your relationship whilst you were babysitting his kids????? The man has no scruples, I would never trust him. Let Laura have him ugh

Original poster
Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 10:53

Yeah I took a photo of them on my phone. He'd deleted other texts from way before then because around February time I'd seen one from her but it was just asking a question about work.. Nothing suspicious about that one. But that had been deleted

OP posts:
LovingLola · 27/04/2020 10:59

Your first mistake was to take him back when you knew he cheated on you. Your second and bigger mistake was to have a baby with him.
I’d leave him and sort out maintenance asap

Original poster
Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 10:59

@Musti yep and had been for about 3 months. The girl had a bf aswell, who I immediatly found on fb and told him what was going on lol. I know the first time round it's easy for everyone to say don't take him back (I've said it to friends before) but you never know how you're going to react until your in that position yourself. I was so involved with his kids lives that I wanted to believe him and give him another chance and I've never doubted him over these past few years until now.
He puts 3 kisses on the end of his messages to me, so even that pissed me off that he'd send the same amount to her (I know it sounds pretty but I'm a woman, I over anylyse even the amount of kisses haha) I just don't know how to approach the subject with him

OP posts:
TofutiKline · 27/04/2020 11:01

LTB.

Original poster
Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 11:01

I had a baby 2+ years after this happened though

OP posts:
Josuk · 27/04/2020 11:09

Sending a picture of a new baby isn’t really a
seductive move, is it?
I know he has done it before and you possibly also feel vulnerable after the birth of a baby. However - dont do it to yourself. Focus on your baby.

There is nothing in those messages to say he is doing anything inappropriate. It’s possible for colleagues to have a friendly relationship. It’s also possible that she likes him and wishes she had a nice bf, like him.
Doesn’t mean he is cheating. Just means she is unhappy and lonely.
And in these times if social isolation telling people we miss them is ok and normal. And people in the UK seem to use Xxxx everywhere and it means nothing.
He said he’ll see her back at work. Clearly not a grand plan to sneak out for a quicky.

Congrats on the baby and stay safe

tarasmalatarocks · 27/04/2020 11:22

I think a lot of people just don’t think , in their heads it’s just friendly chat, they don’t think how any partners might perceive it because they don’t know he’s already been a shit to you before. I would let it drop but just keep an eye on it. Mentionitis is rarely a good thing , I suspect she is lonely , likes him and seeks him out, if you find it’s happening way too much then I think you have to say to him that it upsets you and see if it stops

TheGirlWithAPrince · 27/04/2020 11:25

Yes its wierd but i cant believe you forgave someone you had only known for 7 months Hmm

Thats the honeymoon period... That should be the time they dont need anyone else because how boring can your reationship beif you feel the need to cheat at 7 months

PumpkinP · 27/04/2020 11:28

Once a cheat..

Greenkit · 27/04/2020 12:51

He is talking more than just mates

"I miss you xxx" "I miss you too xxx"

Is not something to say to a work colleague when you have a partner

"God I miss work" or "it will be nice to get back to normality"

Is probably what I would put

The start (although you haven't seen the other messages as he has deleted them) of a EA

BackseatCookers · 27/04/2020 13:05

He cheated on you while you were babysitting his children?! Fuck me, that really is a special kind of arsehole.

Ughmaybenot · 27/04/2020 13:09

Mm. I don’t think he’s cheating... yet. He’s lining it up tho, and they’re getting too close.
To be honest tho, given the fact that he used you as a babysitter so he could shag someone else for months when you’d only been seeing him seven months, he’s clearly a complete cunt, and you were... misguided to continue your relationship with him and have him father your child.
He’ll cheat on you again, it’s a case of when, not if.
Sorry.

Techway · 27/04/2020 13:17

I doubt you will ever trust him. Why did his marriage end?

He seems like a player who has to have lots of female attention. I doubt he is painting you in a good light to this other woman. Did you plan the pregnancy?

BlueHairBlues · 27/04/2020 13:36

Agree that it looks like the beginning of an EA

copycopypaste · 27/04/2020 14:21

I think you already know his capacity for deceit following the affair after you had your dc. So he is capable of it.

Is he having a physical affair now? Who knows. Is have having an emotional affair, sounds very close to one.

Tbh after my exh had an emotional affair I realise just how damaging they are, I lost all trust in him and felt utterly betrayed and that he'd completely disrespected me too.

Your dp has already had one chance, and now this? Naw sorry op I'd leave him.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2020 14:23

He's cheated on you again
How much longer are you going to forgive this?

Paddingtonthebear · 27/04/2020 14:26

Mentionitis and no messages for the past month (during lockdown?)

I’d be looking for a secret second phone

Original poster
Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 14:27

There's another male colleague there that work with them, and I remember my dp telling me that this other colleague "is Inlove with her. I can tell by the way he looks at her that he loves her" and I was thinking, why you making observations like that? Like he's paying attention to things he wouldn't normally..

I just don't know what to do. A part of me is saying he's lining her up, he's enjoying the attention, if he thinks he can get away with it he'll do it again.. And another part of me is saying don't jump to conclusions it might be innocent. Either way it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I did text his sister last night as I'm close to her, and she was furious that he did it the first time. I wonder if she's mentioned it to him because today he's been extra lovey dovey, telling me he loves me all the time a d coming up and kissing my for head and trying to cuddle me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rcats1 · 27/04/2020 14:43

I did ask what she looked like and he told me she was blonde (which is his type) I'm dark haired, (the girl he cheated on me with was blonde too) and he told me I had nothing to worry about as she wasn't his type and he wouldn't hurt me like that again or do anything to jeprodise our relationship but that was before those texts.

I've actually managed to find her on fb (yes I snooped he has her full name on his phone) and she's really pretty. Fml.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 27/04/2020 15:20

He is crossing the line again. A truly remorseful man who is committed to restoring trust would never do this.

mamato3lads · 27/04/2020 15:21

He's up to no good.

You do not tell colleagues you miss them and add kisses onto the message. Very flirty at best...affair territory at worst.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2020 15:38

Jesus why the hell did you take this scumbag back after him showing you so clearly exactly what he was about?!

Just dump. There's nothing more to be said. He's probably cheatign now and has been, even if he isn't, he will at some point. He will have hidden social media, spare phone etc.

He probably did the same to his wife. As then a single dad with some childcare responsibilities, he needed a woman to slot in for the times he had his kids with him (fuck doing childcare eh!) - and that's you. Now - excellent - you've even had a new baby, so you're even more tied. Look forward to a life of bringing up his as well as your own so he can carry on being fancy free.

Or- dump him now and choose more carefully next time, and find an honest man to continue having your own family with.

It's really as simple a choice as that. This one is NOT a keeper.