Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

I think it's an excellent idea to go stay with your mum. You need some time away from him and his kids because when you're with them your focus is on them, looking after them well, dealing with the problems they throw up etc - basically there's never space to think about you.

You may find you reconnect very quickly with the confident woman you used to be, once you're at your mum's. It'll be easier to see a way forward then.

And yes, MN is invaluable for getting an insight into how other women would react to a situation you've accepted as normal. But don't be hard on yourself - most of us have learned it the hard way, too! (Speaking as a teacher myself, I have to say experience is the most effective teacher!!)

My mum usually knows what to say and do in situations. If I'm ever feeling insecure she's like "fix your crown queen!" lol she's such a strong woman full of knowledge. I haven't even talked to her about all this yet.. My family hated him after the first time but since overtime have accepted him again and came to like him. They treat him like one of the family, so I'm nervous to talk to my mum about it encase she turns against him again. Hense why I created this thread. It's easier sometimes to talk to strangers than your family about this stuff

Will she look after you a bit? I think you could do with a bit of TLC from someone who loves you.

I dont think he is cheating on you now but unfortunately you will never be able to fully trust him... sorry it's a tough situation. This chick needs to back off.

You said he had no friends when you got involved because he'd list them over the marriage breakdown etc.

Im wondering why he lost his friends over the breakdown of his marriage if "all" he did was be irresponsible with money and get then into debt etc.

It's unusual for friends to end friendships with people for even worse than that; they often stick with them and the the "that's their business" attitude for a lot worse. They usually stick with their mate, not with his (ex) partner.

It's very strange to me.

Lots of great posters have covered it already but in general he sounds like a user, and not trustworthy.

And you sound like you felt you have to fix everything - like when you started baby sitting his kids in too of your own work to "fix" him and his ex fighting about it because neither of them wanted to ....

they're their kids, it wasn't up to his new ish gf to look after them, it was up to them.

You got into being used (by both of them really) early on and that was before even his cheating on you.

You said it was partly because you were so keen & committed because he seemed good after some failed relationships and people acting badly, but everyone had those experiences unfortunately. There were huge flags with him that he wasn't good or better than previous dickhead, just a different type.

You could meet someone good if you don't ignore things and put up with shit

You seem to think his ex is a bit of a bitch and he's too "soft" unassertive etc with her - actually I think they're both a paid of c*nts and they think they've found a soft touch in you. You'll always fix things and smooth things over and try your best, at your own expense apparently.

His cheating before and his flirtation with his work colleague (and it is, I've gotten in well with male work colleagues but we're not sending each other messages about missing each other with kisses) ...
He's a piss taker and not trustworthy.

*pair of

@Rcats1
How are you doing?

I'm OK thanks for asking, I've had several chats with him, well I say chats... One where I just barked at him in a wine-fueled rant.. But he seems to be listening more and making sure I'm OK. I've got the full support of my family which is good, they said if you ever do leave him you know you've got so many of us who till take you and the baby in... So it's comforting to know. I hope it doesn't come to that. We're ok at the minute but time will tell. I'll keep yous updated.

I'm sorry but the pube shaving is suspicious as can be, especially when you aren't having sex. As for deleted whatsapp messages, these are essentially an admission of guilt. Have you ever felt the need to delete a whatsapp message? Why else would you?

I'd say nothing more, you've confronted him now so he knows he is being watched. Keep those eyes open but act nonchalant and see what happens when he returns to work.

@Gimmecaffeine it wasn't WhatsApp where the messages were and non deleted that I could see... It was over normal text msgs but the one message I'd seen off her back in Jan had since been deleted. The pube shaving makes no sense to me either, he had no feesible excuse for it other than he was sick of the hair there which I already said was bullshit. Ive said all I can say to him. If things become suspicious when he returns to work again or I find anything else out that I'm not happy with, he's been warned ill leave and without hesitation. Trust me you guys will be the first to know if I find anything else...

Is he pulling his weight at home now?

Yeah he has been ever since I talked to him, he gets up with the baby every single morning and leaves me asleep, when I get up he has a coffee ready for me, tells me to chill with the baby whilst he does the housework, can't complain on that side really. I think it's because I told him if things don't change the relationship will be over as I can't do it anymore and pretend I'm happy when I'm not. So I think he's trying to put his money where his mouth is in terms of actions now. We will see how long it lasts.

Good, about bloody time.

I hope he sticks with it. I'm glad things are better for you.

I think it's because I told him if things don't change the relationship will be over as I can't do it anymore and pretend I'm happy when I'm not.

It's good that he's keeping it up. Your body has been through a lot with pregnancy and a C section.

He doesn't want to risk you walking away from him.

UPDATE*

So I haven't posted on this thread in a while..obviously been on lockdown.. But my dp is now been back at work for 2 days. He left his phone on the bench whilst he went for a shower so I snooped quickly and low and behold he'd deleted the messages between him and laura.

Now every time I've checked his phone her names been half way down the list not deleted with the same messages when she last text back in March.. So I know he hasn't been communicating with her via normal text throughout lockdown... But.. When I checked her name was completely gone in the texts which leads me to think they've text since he's been back in work and now he's deleted them.. Otherwise her name and texts would still be where they were half way down the text list.

I'm thinking he knows I'm not happy about her texting at all, so if she's text something regarding work he's deleted them.. Or something else.. What do you guys think? I'm not intending on saying anything as I've already had this out with him numerous times so I'm just observing over the next few weeks...

Ps I changed my name on this for the purpose of a completely different threat unrelated to this which I then didn't end up posting

I would honestly tell your partner that you looked at the messages, reason being you can't trust him after his cheating past, discuss why you don't like him having close contact with other women especially when it seems too friendly.

@FizzyGreenWater

“ He probably did the same to his wife. As then a single dad with some childcare responsibilities, he needed a woman to slot in for the times he had his kids with him (fuck doing childcare eh!) - and that's you. Now - excellent - you've even had a new baby, so you're even more tied. Look forward to a life of bringing up his as well as your own so he can carry on being fancy free.

Or- dump him now and choose more carefully next time, and find an honest man to continue having your own family with.

It's really as simple a choice as that. This one is NOT a keeper.”
👏👏
I like your straightforward, no nonsense approach.

“ The younger your baby is when you leave, the better- they're more portable, it's just easier.”
Wise words

OP, think about what kind of life you want to live.
Always worrying about the possibility that he could be cheating on you.
I couldn’t live like that.
It’s not easy being a single mum but you at least you will be able to have a more peaceful like.
I have a 2 year old and she was conceived very soon after meeting her dad. I realised quite soon that he is not the “settle down” kind of guy- he jokes that he didn’t plan on having kids until he was in his 40’s. We are both early 30- but decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and have the baby.
But I also made the decision that I will not be with someone who will make my question their every move and make me feel like a crazy person.
I’m quite relaxed in relationships but there is no way in hell I would continue to be in a relationship with a man who cheated on me.
I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard, especially after the birth. I really wanted to be the 3 of us but at the same time I knew that I had to do the right thing for me and set an example for my daughter.

He is a good guy but the relationship would be hell for all of us.

Do the right thing for you and for your child.
You can do it!

O P leave him. Once a cheat always a cheat.

He is kissing your arse in terms of helpto make you think hes changed. He has not.

Once he is ready he will leave you high and dry for her.Be the bigger person

O P leave him. Once a cheat always a cheat.

He is kissing your arse in terms of helpto make you think hes changed. He has not.

Once he is ready he will leave you high and dry for her.Be the bigger person

•Summerwine1•
Is this is going to be your life in the future? Always wondering? Always checking? You know you can make a decision to leave without any further 'evidence'. Maybe the relationship is just not working for you? I'm not saying you should ltb - just pointing out that you can make a decision now IF that suits you. If all this is doing your head in, perhaps it's time for you to step away - take some time out and see how you feel?