Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

But now I'm thinking what is he actually painting ME out to be at home?

Well we know what men like this end up saying don't we? I'm only there for the kids / we don't have sex any more / we sleep in separate rooms / all I do is work while she's at home poor me aren't I lovely etc. Ugh he sounds like a walking cliche so I wouldn't be surprised about any of that being the case OP.

Hopefully now the scales have lifted and you've realised the lasting damage of his behaviour before, and his lack of effort to make you feel wanted and appreciated, you can behind the scenes get your head around leaving him before you have to wait for a big "gotcha" moment to do so.

You sound ace and it's such a shame you gave him that second chance but it's done now. That doesn't mean (as so many cheaters seem to believe) that you're obligated to never be angry about it again / bring it up again / decide that actually you wish you'd left then and you're going to do so now.

Woah. So I keep a diary right? Always have, always will. It let's me air my thoughts out.. Whatever.. Anyway this is why I write shit down as I literally forget so many things and so many details... I've just found a diary post from back in January where I mention this girl

I won't rehash it word for word, but I'm basically itching my head about a conversation they had at work which he told me about when he got home, the conversation where she mentions she wants someone like him. So basically, he told me she's just came out of an 8 year relationship, and was dating one of the guys they work with, who was inviting her out to the pics etc.. And she'd said to my dp that she didn't want to rush into anything, she wasn't sure about this guy, what should she do.. And that's when he said "this guy lives at home with his mum, why don't you be single for 6 months or so then find someone older who has his own place, kids etc so that you can look forward to seeing him on the nights he doesn't have kids" FUCKING WHAT?
Then apparantly she was asking all about me, how long we'd been together for, if it was my first baby, what I was like with his kids... To which he told me he said to her "she's amazing. She says she has 3 kids not 1,i adore her" and that's when she apparantly said "aww I want that. Why can't I find someone like you."
I pulled him the next day about it (which I now remember) and brought it up and said "I don't have to worry about this girl texting you do I? Like I know you're giving her advice but I don't want it spilling into texts" and he said "of course not, I'm too Inlove with you to fuck anything up so please get that thought out of your head now." and he always kept saying he couldn't wait to get to work, how much he loves his job, that he didn't mind staying late if they needed him to. In that post I describe our relationship as going through a 'meh' stage and that he won't have sex with me.
This was back in January. I think he's been different with me since then too.

So that's not looking great.

But you know, even if he isn't cheating, your relationship is absolute pants. What do you actually get out of being with him? You talk about whether he's happy with you - but where are you? Where's your happiness?

Lovey, I find it very sad that you think so little of yourself that it's only worth leaving him if he's cheated on you.

He takes advantage of you, he leeches cash off you, he treats you badly and takes you for granted, he farms his kids off on you. He is literally treating you like a nanny and a housekeeper except you are paying him!

Any one of those reasons is enough to leave him. You are worth SO much more than this.

You don't need to reply here but please think about what we are asking you....

What's keeping you with him? What are the good things to love about him?

@Friendsofmine

So, when I first met him I loved his sense of humour, how passionate he was, how he was/is in bed, the chemistry we had... I mean even when he pisses me off he will still try every day to make me laugh, and he laughs at me constantly just with the random shit I come out with on a daily basis. I love that he's affectionate. I love that he cares about his kids and will do anything for them. That he's a family man. I love his family and get on really well with them. And of course he's easy on the eyes (to me anyway) and I actually fancy him in the 'I want to rip your clothes off kind of way'..... But it's so easy to lose all of that when you've been fucked over, and what I used to see as massive turn ons are always tarnished by the "why did you fuck it up you shit head" thoughts. We go through waves. Like some months we're full on with each other and I feel like how it was when we first met, then other months it's like we're just mates living with each other with no intimacy... We're in that stage now. It's just up and down all the time. He does tell me he loves me everyday... But then he used to tell me that when he was cheating and say I was his whole world when I clearly wasn't. So it has a bitter after taste everytime he says something endearing because I just think its words. Where's the actions?

@friendsofmine
Also when I first came out of hospital he really did look after me. Like he did everything. I was in agony and couldn't bend or walk without being in pain. He helped me shower and dress, and did everything for the baby.... But now I'm up and about again it's like... I dunno... He resents me having a glass of wine or gin... Hes back to wanting me to cook all the time and gets really pissy with me AND the baby when he's overtired. Like I have so much more patience with the baby than he does.

Yes, a few weeks ago you wrote another thread where you said P is “terrified of upsetting his ex.”

I’ve tried to explain how I feel to my partner but he seems more interested in keeping his ex’s face straight rather than giving me a few more days to recover physically and mentally.

He wouldn’t put you first. You were massively struggling with the exhaustion of caring for your newborn and recovering from your emergency C-section in the face of a new and overwhelming contact schedule of every other day that you had no say in. You thought P was not “understanding” how much you were struggling, even though you were constantly crying. In my opinion, he didn’t care.

For years the Ex has manipulated contact according to her whims. Although she requested 12 child-free days to recover from cosmetic surgery, she and P allowed you only 4 days after your section, when you were in great pain. Since lockdown (both of their jobs closed), they changed contact to every other day. You were not consulted.

The children were being shuttled back and forth. They were regularly exposed to the Ex’s bf who was not isolating. In your home they were unsettled and out of control: blasting devices, screaming, slapping, biting, constantly getting in the baby’s face and trying to pick her up, refusing to listen. The 5 year old was tantruming and refusing to accept ‘no’ about anything. Both you and P were engaged with the girls, but the bedlam was relentless with no consequences. P was unwilling to put boundaries in place with the children and you felt you had no say about it.

Although you were suffering and worried about the baby’s stress level and health, you said that P would never consider upsetting the Ex by requesting a reduction in contact for a while.

By the end of the thread, you were developing new coping strategies. However, your working to change your mindset did not negate your P’s insensitive and unempathetic attitude to you and the baby during your most vulnerable time.

Your current thread shows that while he has been creating distance between you, he and Laura have been developing some level of intimacy. I see him as an entitled cheat who selfishly uses you to support/serve him and his Ex while he pursues OWs and treats you as an afterthought. The relationship is highly imbalanced and it is troubling that you believe you have no real agency in decisions being made that greatly affect you.

You and your precious baby deserve so much better.

He’s being a wanker and lining her up for an affair.
Don’t stand for it.
Tell him you’ve seen the texts and if he ever has contact with her again outside of work you’re chucking him out. And mean it.

when I was heavily pregnant I refused to look after the kids as I was becoming really really overwhelmed and he seemed pissed off by my attitude.

Yeah...he sees you as a childminder. That's why he had the attitude.

Like many other stepmums, it looks like you enable him to have his kids as much as he does.

Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to because he was at work.

Why was he advising Laura to settle for a man with kids? Who needs that hassle. The hassle you have with the Ex...

He gets too familiar with women...and he just doesn't show he can be trusted.

Oh my god OP I just read the other thread a PP mentioned.

Please. Dump. This. CUNT.

How dare he behave like this to you?!

You're the best thing that's ever happened to this wanker and he knows it. And he'll tell you that next time he fucks up and wants you back, and the next time and the next time.

Honestly he is just AWFUL. I don't know how you can even look at someone who respects you so little when you're clearly a fun, capable and nice woman.

He's punching, he knows it and he wants you to forget it. Please don't.

Whether you leave now or in a while, don't forget that he's the mug here not you.

Some people just cannot be helped.

@MsDogLady

Yeah I thought it would be too much trying to explain all of that as well in the same thread so I created a new one for this entirely seperate issue. My coping stragegy is out of the window now due to all this new shit that I've just discovered... So I'm just like "whatever" when it comes to him and the ex. I can only mentally handle so much at a time. I'm 100% going to stay at my mums when they lift this lockdown and take the baby. I just need some head space and to get out this house and think.

You don’t have to wait till the lockdown is over. You could go tomorrow. Pack up your things and go. No one is stopping you.

He’s back to wanting me to cook all the time and gets really pissy with me AND the baby when he’s overtired. Like I have so much more patience with the baby than he does.

He is getting angry with his tiny 1 month old baby? That is chilling. Please leave him as soon as possible.

Some people just cannot be helped.
I do hope you are not one of these people OP. You have a chance here to make your life better, take it!! You could move out today, no one will stop you. I do think you’ll just find more excuses after lockdown, and I get it, it seems scary and like you’re uprooting your life, but be honest, it’s not a great life is it? It’s a life where you’re babysitter to someone else’s kids, and maid to a man who doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you.
Besides which, I do think it’s better to do it ASAP as it’ll minimise effects on your baby, they’ll never know any different if you leave now.

Thing is, if you did go to your mum's today (and I definitely agree you should go asap), he'd turn on the charm, cry, promise the earth, seem utterly devastated, tell you how much you mean to him... And you'd want to go straight back, wouldn't you? Well, maybe a week to show you mean business, but then you'd return...

Sweetheart, remember in January when you confronted him about his dubious conversations with Laura. He said he's so in love with you he'd never do anything to fuck that up. But he was refusing to have sex with you, keeping you at arms length - and that one lovely day together was already a very, very distant memory! He really doesn't have to try hard to keep you, does he? And he knows it!

How do you know he loves you?
Because he does little nice things for you every day
Because he makes sure he has lots of time just with you to enjoy your company
Because he does more than his share of the cooking because he knows you're exhausted right now
Because he makes sure you have time to rest by looking after all three of his children while you escape to another room
Because he plans nice things to do together
Because he (tells you he) doesn't fuck around. Oh and he says he loves you every day.

It's all words! And his actions are so far away from what he says! Do you see how low your bar is? I haven't referred to any cheating. Even without thinking about that possibility, can you see that he is offering you nothing. Just words. And as long as he's saying the right things, you think you have no reason to leave. Even though you feel you don't know what to think - that's precisely because his words and his actions don't match up!

Excellent post CharlotteCollins, you are spot on about his actions speaking far louder than his words.

7 months in he was already cheating? Wow. Less than a year together is when love is new, everything is exciting, glorious. The problem is you lowered your bar for a man who isn't worth it. At a mere 7 months there's no strong bond, only what you seem to have created in your head. I'm afraid this will now be your life with him - wondering if he's cheating again, and checking up on him. How is it you've been together 3 years, have a child together and instead of asking him what's going on, you're scared to approach him?! As for the mentionitis and messages, if he's not cheating then he's aiming to. Again.

Whatever the case he's a bad bargain all round so hold on to your hat...

Well he's not a family man is he? A family man is one who loves and treasures his OH and children and shows them by his actions that he loves them.

Why do you value yourself so little that you put up with this?

Op I've been where you are now, it took me 3 years to get my head out of my arse, stop making excuses for him and realise that pretty words and a few crumbs of affection when you're on the verge of leaving just isn't a relationship worth having. .

I'm really fucked off tonight and just feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Since this lockdown we've had the kids 50/50 but he's still paying maitnance even though with being furloughed he's not getting a good wage as he relies on bonus every month. I've been keeping my mouth shut because of the circumstances and how hard it is on both parents with the kids not being at school, but his ex wife has got a mortgage holiday, we rent and our landlord will only drop it by £100 whilst we're in lockdown, and I asked him since we're having them can he perhaps speak to her about letting us off with it, since they are here all the time. He said he will but I know he has no intentions of doing this

We've now had the eldest for 7 days in a row (the younger sister stayed at her mums as she had tonsilitus so they decided to keep them in seperate houses) but she's fine now, came to ours this morning to stay over, and I asked how long we have them for and he said "i don't know". Ive had a migraine all day, struggling with sleepless nights with the newborn so asked if he could take them home tomorrow. He asked the ex wife and she's said "no you can keep them another few days and bring them back"... To which he was like "ok that's fine"... I just feel like I'm constantly being ignored and my feelings are shoved aside. And then wihh all this speculation of whether he's cheating or not or is going to cheat.. I'm starting to feel depressed. I just wanna walk out tbh but I have no where to go.

Have you got family you could go to?

Nope my mums a key front line worker so can't really be around the baby, and all my siblings have kids and no space. I just walked round the block to get some air and stopped off at the shop to get a bottle of wine. Gunna try go have a long bath whilst the baby is asleep.

You say his ex can be a nightmare. What's her story?