Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

Bloody hell poor you. I would not be able to cope with all this especially after so recently having a baby with this man.

He has done it once he is capable of doing this again.

Who cares what she looks like. Seriously op walk away from this car crash of a man

I gave him another chance the first time round because Id grown close to his kids and his family and they were all begging me to give him another chance saying it was completely out of character of him... Then he grovelled and I genuinly thought he'd proved himself... If I had any doubts I wouldn't have chosen to have a baby with him... Like nothing caused me any concern, he goes to work and comes straight home... But with this new job, sometimes they ask him to stay late past his usual finishing hour and that's what I'm worried about.. If he's just going to pretend they've asked him to stay late etc.. Obviously we're on lockdown at the minute and the only time he leaves the house is to do a food shop and that's it.. I didn't see any more messages from this past month but my issue is when he returns to work. How close are they going to get exactly. I think I'm just going to bide my time, keep an eye out, observe everything because I know all the warning signs and then let him know I'm on to him.

The first time it was classic tell tale signs that I'd missed. Ie buying a whole entire new wardrobe of clothes, buying protein shakes to bulk up, hiding my Slippers in his cupboard and our pitcure of us together (this was when we didn't live together) and not wanting to have sex with excuses of being tired and constantly hiding his phone...

There's none of that now but the only thing I did notice is before he left for work he'd spritz the shit out of himself in deodorant and purfume and is constantly going for haircuts and beard trims.... Oh.. Actually last week he trimmed his pubes too (tmi but he's never done that before) he said the hair underneath his belly button was irritating him so he used the shaver and shaved too much off so had to trim the rest of it... Wierd shit like that. I'm onto him like.

Oh op this is shit. I would be suspicious too.

why the hell would he tell her that? - actually OP, why the hell would he tell YOU that?? What bizarre behaviour - is he feeling left out or something since baby was born? It's like he's attention seeking from you.

Both your DP and colleague need to grow tf up sending bloody kisses in texts - no need at all from colleagues - I'd be having it out with him and saying that kisses are for loved ones not colleagues ffs. Hope you're okay OP.

If he's stupid enough to do it again I'll just take the baby and walk. And take everything I've bought too like my nice 65 inch tv and leave him his little shitty one he had before we got together. In fact, he had nothing before he met me I've spent my own money making the house nice and buying nice things for us and the kids. I'd like to see how it would work out her taking on 3 kids to 2 different baby mammas. His ex can be a nightmare at times too. See, it's all fun and games sneaking around until shit hits the fan.
But this is all speculation for now. Interested to see how hell react when I do approach the subject. I feel like I need a glass of wine first though lol

Shaving his sack out of the blue - no, something is going on OP - sorry

Pubes thing is a red flag for me.

I mean the man is a living flag, but any new grooming has to be of concern.

How often do you have access to his phone? Is he glued to it? Could you build up a picture of the true state of play over the next week or two so you really know what you are dealing with? I think that's what I'd do.

If he’s not cheating already he will do as soon as he can. I’d walk now.

If he's not yet then he's getting ready to 🤯

Just walk now. Really.

He's just a cheaty bloke. It's so uuuuurgh being with someone like that. Even the language you use now - there's so little real love and care in it. Because that's the way you have to be when you're with a guy who is capable of cheating. You know he'd do the dirty on you if he got the chance. Just awful. Hard.

Life doesn't have to be like that.

Oh and how is it 'interesting' to see how he'll react when you bring it up? Surely it's the least interesting thing possible? He'll deny it, gaslight you, turn it on you and be offended. And unless you have cast-iron proof, you'll just say ok, and leave it, because you have a baby. :(

The younger your baby is when you leave, the better- they're more portable, it's just easier.

I would find it very hard to trust this man OP. Based on what you have said sounds like he's looking for round two.

Will you be able to trust him again? I dont think I would tbh.

I understand how hard it is to split up with some one when you have children (been there done that). But you really have to think about the rest of your life here. What would you say to a close friend or loved one in your situation?

Also, you've got me worried now. My DP is doing a similar thing with a work colleague, I miss you texts with 'xxx' on. 🤔

And another part of me is saying don’t jump to conclusions it might be innocent.

Texting a coworker that he misses her and adding kisses is not innocent. And how insulting that he’s all over you like a rash after hearing from his sister that you’ve rumbled him.

Don’t be his fool, OP. Walk away from this loser.

The only other thing as well Is when I was pregnant in the third trimester he never wanted to have sex! We did it plenty up until that point. Most of the time I couldn't be bothered from exhaustion but I've always had a higher sex drive than him. It is always me who has to initiate it. Its been like that for a long time now and I had an emergency c section so I'm still recovering as I couldn't walk about or do the house work etc.. So he's been doing it all, and I joked the other day I think I said something like "aren't you frustrated? It's been forever since we've had sex.. Obviously Im not recovered enough yet to do it but we could do other things" and his reply was "sex is the last thing on my mind right now, I'm not interested in it at all" like I get it some men are just like that.. But if I didn't iniate it he would happily go without and I dunno If that's normal or not?

He cheated on you while you were babysitting his kids?

Wow.

You only have one baby though right? I think you take your baby and you leave him to Laura, if she's stupid enough to want him.

Starting again with one child is do-able (well it must be, I did it with two!)

I agree, what 'Laura' looks like is a complete irrelevancy.

HE is not good enough for YOU.

My head is mangled.

He really isn’t good enough for you. And he’s a shit dad. You should barely have met his kids 7 months in, never mind being left babysitting them while he was off fucking another woman. Honestly, the mind boggles.

If he’s not shagging laura yet he will be soon.

You need to rethink your boundaries of acceptable behaviour OP, because this isn’t healthy or normal or OK.

He is at it again. If he hasn't shagged "Laura" yet he is clearly setting up to do so.

Stop "making things nice" for this sexually incontinent loser and make plans for just you and your child.

You picked a wrong 'un to procreate with but it's not too late to stop throwing your lot in with him.

He shaved his pubes to send dick pics. These men never change OP, I’m sorry.

He shaved his pubes to send dick pics

That's what I thought as well.

Ditch him. You don't have to have proof - not trusting him is a good enough reason.

God the amount of guys women have mentioned on here who have done the whole "Bob in accounts is so in love with her it's embarrassing" to cover up their own crush is so cringe isn't it.

Also have a good think about his response to your concerns.

he told me I had nothing to worry about as she wasn't his type and he wouldn't hurt me like that again or do anything to jeprodise our relationship but that was before those texts.

His first line of defence is that she isn't his type?! What so he's saying that if she was he'd go for it? The second part of his defence is what a decent man would say - of course I wouldn't cheat on you. But initiating with the fact he isn't her type and that's why you shouldn't worry... wtf?!

Be honest with yourself OP - if he was away at a conference and a pretty girl tried it on with him are you confident he would remove himself from the situation and never kiss or shag them?

I'm in the first relationship of my life where I feel that way and it's taken years and years of counselling to understand that decent men are perfectly able to control themselves. It sounds like your other half is the type who would do it and then do the whole i was drunk / she wouldn't leave me alone / she's after everyone etc etc.

Don't you just think he's a bit scummy for his behaviour so far?

You sound like an intelligent, funny, good person. He's punching. He needs you to think you're punching so you don't see how crap a partner he is.

Cheated on you while you were looking after his kids?! That is so unbelievably awful that it can only be done by someone with no moral fibre at all.

God I hope you leave him whether he's doing anything this time around or not.

I hate to say this but the reason he doesn’t want sex is probably because he’s spent from sexting with “Laura” and/or porn.

The first time my exh did this our DD was a month old. Texts saying 'wish you were here xxx', 'miss you xxx' etc from a girl he'd met through work. He swore blind it was innocent whilst also telling me he wasn't sure how he felt about me. Anyway, after a couple of weeks dithering and me giving him the me or her ultimatum, he blocked her on all mediums and we carried on ok.

Couple of years later he started working away and suddenly became very distant, hard to get hold of etc. He came home briefly and he talked almost constantly about a new work colleague and said they were 'just friends' but the texts popping up on his phone were clearly more than those or 'just friends'. And a month later he left me for her.

In hindsight I wish I'd kicked him to the curb the first time, when DD was just a baby, that way perhaps our separation wouldn't have hit her as hard as it did 3 years later.

Op, your DP showed you who he was early in the relationship. Obviously it's up to you what you do now, but he would have to be completely transparent if he expects you to trust him again.

I've never been able to trust him since. Not fully anyway. After he did it early on in the relationship, he deleted her off fb, blocked her and then deleted his account on everything. As far as I'm aware he's only ever had the one phone... But he does take it everywhere with him, the only time he doesnt is if he let's the kids watch YouTube on it but then I'd have to wait for him to go in the shower or something to actually look at it.. That's why I thought fuck it last night when he was crashed out in the sofa.

There's no phones calls, I checked his phone log, but there used to be when he was at work.. All his colleagues have each others numbers for the nature of thier job and they ring each other several times a day.. I've seen loads of his colleagues on his recent call log and he's answered the phone to them in front of me... Otherwise I would have questioned why he had her number.

Yeah I didn't live with him when he cheated, but he never had childcare so I thought I was doing a good deed by helping him and his ex wife look after the kids (to save him money) and to make them stop arguing over childcare too... Sometimes I'd start work at 6.30 finish at 3 and cycle to his where his ex wife would drop them off and I'd look after them until he got in from work. But some nights it was late. It was fucking horrendous finding out and I did break up with him, but like I said before, I wanted to give him a second chance..

He literally goes to work and comes home. Doesn't have any mates apart from his family so he doesn't go out, and if he does it's with me.. So I've never suspected anything. How do you think I should approach the subject? Like, how do I start THAT conversation. I don't want to keep it all bottled up, then end up drinking a few glasses of wine and going aka at him. I'd rather be calm around the baby