Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

@Vodkacranberryplease he's now making a point of leaving his phone unattended around me, like last night if he left the room or went upstairs he just left his phone sat next to me, but I didn't go through it again. That's what he used to do in the months after I'd caught him the first time, like a non verbal "you can trust me, I have nothing to hide" gesture. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about stuff, remembering a few things.
Like before the baby was born, his sister sent him a link for a second hand next to me bed that was being sold on fb, so he said he would sign into fb to message the seller and did it in front of me. He's had the fb app deleted on his phone for around 2 years now, and I could see loads of friend requests and messages on messenger but obviously you have to reinstall messenger to open those messages up, so I said "oh youre popular, have a look who's sent you messages, and he went into complete panic mode and was like" I don't want to, I'm not reinstalling it" (that's where I found the messages when he cheated) and I was like "just open them you freak, what's the big deal? ' and he went full on anxiety, closed fb quickly then uninstalled the app and said it gives him anxiety and he doesn't want to revisit the past by going on there. I was heavily pregnant and I'll admit, I didn't want to fish any further encase I found something I didn't want to. I only just remembered that last night.

I feel like I haven't talked to him enough about all this. I need to know what's going on inside his head. If he isn't happy, I'd rather he just told me now and we'd go our seperate ways whilst the baby is young enough not to be effected, rather than seek out an emotional or physical relationship behind my back and fuck me completely over. I'm not afraid of being alone or starting fresh as a single mum, but in an ideal world, he'd be remain faithful, respectful and keep our family together.
:( fed up of overthinking stuff now.

So sorry you're going through this OP, he's a shit and you deserve better.
Personally, although I can Be a bit volatile with my words, I'd tell him to end this clearly emotional relationship immediately. He's got three kids now, it's time to grow up and stop fucking up his kids lives. How 'proud' his kids would be when they're old enough to understand that daddy was happy to put their well-being behind an emotional, leading to a likely more physical affair.

He obviously lies, likes the chase and can't be a decent human being ... seriously who would send those emotional messages just as their newborn baby arrives?! He should be looking inward at his family not outwards at other women.

Good luck, you've got two choices really, throw him out, or keep him and worry about this woman, or the next one(s)

hes not going to split up with you- he likes having two women on the go. you got closer to him after his last affair, i bet he's bewildered that you wont forgive him his dalliances now.

the idea that he's going to suddenly change into someone faithful is a mistake i feel.

I agree he is lining her up.

My ex want pictures of our new house to the woman he was lining up a week before they met in person.

It is all part of making her feel special and meaningful to him.

I imagine they have ramped up their contact lately and he has started deleting those messages.

Sorry OP. Your boundaries are off. Forgiving someone who cheated so early when you were barely invested is not a good move. Learn from this.

I also recommend Not just friends by Shirley Glass!

She put in her text, "keep checking in with me so I know you're okxxx and he put..." will do same applies to you" and I'm like 😠 it's like "keep texting me" in other words... I don't get if there were any further texts after that which I couldn't find, why would he delete them and not the previous ones? I just feel like she has an agenda. I got that instant feeling after her comment saying she wished she could find someone like him. And what's he saying to her that she needs to make sure he's OK? Like what's he saying about his home life? I'm gunna sit him down tonight and talk to him and air it ALL out. I'll probably get the same response as I did yesturday but I wanna know what's going on in that noggin of his. He won't leave, he was with his ex wife for 6 years before she ended the marriage, and he hates being on his own. We 100% need to talk before I go insane. I'm not just gunna sweep it under the carpet.

He wants his cake and to eat it. It's not that he's not happy with you, he's just one of those guys who wants someone else on the go as well.

I really wonder what's going on with you that you were so involved so quickly, babysitting his kids etc. Do you have very low self esteem, are you constantly trying to please people at your own expense? I mean, he should barely have introduced you at that stage. He's apparently got no boundaries, but where are yours?

He sounds like he loves the attention. And with your attention being on the baby, where is he going to get it from now? Laura seems willing, so be careful OP. I have a feeling this will end in tears.

Also, I feel so sad that you took him back after he was cheating on you for months at the start. You deserve better.

The keep checking in to make sure you're okay seems off. I know there's a Global pandemic at the moment, but I can't imagine why I would need to send that kind of message to a colleague.

Why wouldn't he be okay? Does he have an underlying health issue? It just seems off to me.

He also knows you're a good woman, so he won't admit he's not happy with you. He is happy with you, but he also likes having extra attention from other women too. You get on well with his kids...that's something he won't want to lose and that's what he's counting on...that's one of the reasons you took him back.

I hope he fully pulls his weight around the house, especially as you've had a c section...in addition, he needs to step up with his other kids.

To be honest he should be eternally grateful that you took him back...not many women would have done in those circumstances.

Make sure, you're not just there to be stepmum and get him out of parenting his kids. You need to take a hard line on this. Too many stepmums make it possible for useless dads to have their kids.. all the parenting work falls to the stepmum... do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this.

Don't think that not going out in the evening means he cannot be having a physical affair. Maybe he's not at the moment...but something has happened with him and Laura, for him to be sending those messages.

They've developed a connection. If not, she would have put those other messages about missing him on the work group chat if it was entirely innocent.

I suggest you tell him you want the truth, you're not stupid and if you don't get the truth, you have no future together and you will make plans accordingly.

If he continues to deny it, ask him if he's prepared to take a polygraph test when lockdown is over...just see his reaction when you say this.

Tell him you will set the questions.

I think SandyY2K is correct - you're fulfilling the empty "wife" slot and handy home convenience to look after the kids. You say yourself He won't leave, he was with his ex wife for 6 years before she ended the marriage, and he hates being on his own.

Did his wife end the relationship because of him cheating?

It doesn't matter if she has an agenda and so do another 50 women with him.
Other women's agendas aren't the problem
He's a knob. A chest. He's enjoying the excitement and even the drama of you being worried.
Bin him off you can't compete with his insecure ego

Cheating on you while you were looking after HIS children??

His arse wouldn't have touched the floor!

@Closetbeanmuncher haha his arse wouldn't have touched the floor! 🤣 That's cracked me up. I was indeed looking after his kids.. He did have an old phone back then which he let his kids watch over the WiFi for YouTube. That's how I saw the messages as they were tinging through and I literally called him at work and told him to get home, threw his house key at him, got all my shit together and left but I didn't make a scene because his kids were there, I just very quietly thrust his spare phone in his face with the messages up and told him it was over and stormed out.. Then had it out with him when the kids weren't there. He was at work when I looked after them, but he'd be late in saying he had to drop a friend off.. When he was with her. It still hurts to think about it to this day. Mostly it was when I was back at my own flat and I'd ask him if he wanted me to go over and he'd say he was really tired and just wanted to watch TV... Those were the nights she went round which I later found out...

@category12 no he never cheated on her. She left him because he lied all the time (only found this out after I'd taken him back and when I was on good terms with his ex) he got them into debt by hiding bills and not paying credit cards off etc... He's since paid them off because since I've been with him he's forever getting letters through paying off parts of the balance and his outgoings are through the roof... Like I literally can't enjoy my wage and get clothes for myself because we put our money together for the household outgoings, I pay half the rent and bills ect but then he's quickly left with nothing so we use my wage to get through the month...

But also to answer your question, I didn't have low self esteem. I was at my absolute best when I met him. I weighed 5 stone less than I do now. Lived alone. Had a great social life and was really happy. I felt sorry for the way his ex wife treated him because he is a good dad to his kids has them 50/50 of the time, pays maitnance, takes them out, spoils them etc.. And our honeymoon period was completely overshadowed by constant phone calls off his ex, shouting about childcare etc on the days he was at work... Its too much to explain but I stepped in so it would make life easier on both of them, I met his kids I'd say about 2 months into the relationship and only because his ex wife and him didn't mind. I never pushed it. I just wanted the arguments to stop.... But looking back.. He never made time for me and him in those first months...it quickly changed from me and him time to me, him and the kids all the time.. Or me looking after them... And I accepted it because his kids come first. But I think I put myself in the babysitter role instead of the gf role and he took advantage of that... Then cheated on me. After that, after we moved past it all.. That's when I lost my self esteem. I just became this woman who cooks every night for 3 people, eating stuff I wouldn't eat because I couldn't be bothered to make 2 different meals if they were being fussy or wouldn't eat healthy stuff like veg... I stopped socialising as much as I couldn't afford it.. Piled on the weight, drank ALOT of wine in the house purely because my social life's gone down the pan and we don't go anywhere to have fun, and I kept trying not to let the past and what he did consume me... and then i got pregnant....

I'm out as much as I can walking with the pram and know its going to take me a long time to get back to who I was before I met him, but I am going to put a back up plan in place incase I do leave. Ie save money back, have a go to place, get everything I need to in order and get my own identity back and self esteem.

God, he's an absolute user and a millstone round your neck, OP. The habitual lying is very bad news.

In the past I've told him how unhappy I've been. Like we've never had a holiday together or a weekend away, we've been away for one night to a spa and had 2 family holidays in this country in nearly 3 years so no real quality alone time to have fun. There's been so many times I've wanted to walk and aired this to him, and he always promises me it will get better, that we will have that time together, he will make more of an effort etc.... We were a few days away from booking a holiday before I found out I was pregnant.. And that happened really quickly I'd came off the pill to give my body a break, not really expecting to get pregnant and I fell so easily. But even like birthdays... I'm really low maitnance and don't like to be fussed over but we've always done something for it (always had the kids on both our birthdays every year too) but last year he was working and then guess where we went!? Asda. Fucking Asda to do a food shop as it was the only time we could go that week as I don't drive and he was working late the other nights. Didn't even get a valentines card this year either but I know his birthdays in the summer and he'll be asking what we're going to do for it soon. Just all these little things are becoming BIG things now.

@Rcats1 I've sent you a PM :)

@Rcats1 so...what are you getting from this? Leave and have better than him fucking someone else and birthdays at Asda.

OP, there's no reward or appreciation of "being low maintenance". You're not going to get any medals letting people walk over you and take you for granted.

Basically you took up the mantle of long-suffering, unappreciated, downtrodden drudge at home without ever having the good times. Or the legal protections of marriage.

Kick the bugger out.

Bloody hell he sounds so immature. Even my sons who are 20 and 23 wouldn't talk like him. What an arse he is.

Fuck me, I hope you leave this wankstain.

What are you thinking even staying with him for one more day?! He makes my skin crawl and I don't even know him.

There are good men out there. Good, decent men you can have a laugh with, get sozzled with and have date nights with even when you've been together ages, be proud of and them be proud of you... he is so basic it's not even funny!

He's such a user it makes me cringe. You taking him back after what he did was madness but you continuing to be with him when this is how he behaves (even taking away messaging people - just his dad to day selfish complacency) is fucking mental.

In regards to mentioning someone a lot - I started a new job and worked with a guy called Tom. I was always saying to DH "Tom said x, y z" and spoke about him sooooooo much but it was because it was all I did in the day, we worked closely. Absolutely no funny business.

You poor thing. You’re in a pickle there, aren’t you. There’s a heck of a lot of bad in this story. He cheated very early on into your relationship, letting you look after his children and lying to you like he did his ex wife. You were kind enough (or silly enough?) to give him a second chance- partially for his children and family. You had worries when pregnant and now are worrying again because of his inappropriate messages. I’m not sure whether he has cheated from those messages- but he could’ve deleted others, but he’s flattered by her attention and is feeding/encouraging it. I think he’d probably let this progress, given a chance. How are you ever supposed to have a relaxed, trusting relationship with this man. On top of this he’s got so much debt that you’re pretty much carrying him. I hate to say it, but I wonder if he loves the way you provide a good family life for his children and are a good mother. I wonder if that’s mostly what it is for him? (so sorry to say that). Anyway, I’d definitely get yourself financially independent and able to move on. Sadly I think that’s the best future for you. I don’t think this guy will change his spots.

Fucking hell.

Your last two posts are some of the saddest I've read.

He's fucked you over big time, hasn't he?

He won't leave, love - he gets a huge amount out of fucking using you, bleeding you dry for money and companionship and keeping everything going. You've said that so clearly.

Why the fuck would he leave?! He even gets kept financially by you!

This is what will ruin your life, and your kids' lives:

If he isn't happy, I'd rather he just told me now and we'd go our seperate ways whilst the baby is young enough not to be effected, rather than seek out an emotional or physical relationship behind my back and fuck me completely over.

You've got your thinking totally wrong. He IS happy. He is really fucking happy that he has a nice woman at home, usefully in a fairly bad way emotionally so she won't look elsewhere or think she can do better, and he can bleed her for cash and cleaning and babysitting while he has fun with other women. THAT IS WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY!

The pattern will be - he will mess around, then ease off the gas when you get usept, to keep you at home servicing him. Then when you relax, once he's left his phone around long enough, he'll start up again.

Please leave!!!!!!!

FizzyGreenWater has literally said it all.

You sound so strong and smart and kind (to his kids especially) and funny OP. You deserve SO much more than being bled dry and messed around by a sexually incontinent user.