Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

You've got your thinking totally wrong. He IS happy. He is really fucking happy that he has a nice woman at home, usefully in a fairly bad way emotionally so she won't look elsewhere or think she can do better, and he can bleed her for cash and cleaning and babysitting while he has fun with other women. THAT IS WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY!

This is absolutely 100% accurate.

@Honeyroar

hate to say it, but I wonder if he loves the way you provide a good family life for his children and are a good mother. I wonder if that’s mostly what it is for him? (so sorry to say that)
Dont be. Honest. Sometimes I feel like that's the only reason with me. Because I'm here to help with the kids and make a nice home. His ex wife has been a massive dark cloud over our heads since day one in this relationship (sometimes she's civil for a few months and then other times she completely unreasonable) I've tried on and off to be nice to her, but most of my stress has been that for 3 years he's literally prioritised her happiness over mine. As long as her face is straight, it makes his life easier and he's constantly up her arse.
I had an issue with her behaviour like 3 months into our relationship, his family can't stand her for many reasons, they were in the middle of divorcing as well when we met which dragged on for 2.5 years.. And he said.. Wait for it.. This is his excuse for cheating the first time... That he was sick of us all on his back me and his family, about sticking up for himself in regards to ex wife,he was sick of us all telling him what to say and do in terms of custody/maitnance/childcare etc and thats why he got close to the girl in work because she was like a welcomed distraction.

I could have punched him.i told him of course she's a breath of fresh air she's 20 years old, living at home with no responsibility. Ask her to come look after your kids and deal with your ex wife drama and see how long she sticks around for you fucking pleb.
I know I probably should have walked away 7 month in, but I didn't. That's the decision I made and the ex wife drama still continues to this day and he's still up her arse which has caused nothing but arguments.

@FizzyGreenWater

The pattern will be - he will mess around, then ease off the gas when you get usept, to keep you at home servicing him. Then when you relax, once he's left his phone around long enough, he'll start up again.

That's what I'm afraid of. I've just thought as well, even on his days off sometimes he has to go into work (he's a car salesman) when his customers go in to collect cars etc... He was doing it so much before this lockdown and I rang him once to check he was actually there, and could hear his colleagues in the background so I was a little relieved..but how the hell would I know if he was actually going into work on these days off or going off to see her? I wouldn't. I'd just be a paranoid mess all the time and I can't go through that again. It made me ill for months after the first time as he'd meet up with her and sneak about even if it was for half an hour after work.
The more I think about it the more angry I get. I can't let him get away with doing it again like. I won't go through it again.

You can still walk away, OP. It's not going to get better. It should have been so much more already, honestly you've sold yourself so short here.

The more you write, the more obvious it becomes that he's using you for domestic, childcare and financial assistance.

What are his good points? What do you love about him?

And are those things enough to balance the fact that for the rest of your lives together you'll strain yourself trying to be enough for him so that he doesn't cheat on you again. Paranoid and suspicious. You could be in a relationship with a man that you don't have any drama with, who cares for you, makes you feel special and like you're the only person in the world for him.

Please don't wait for him to do something 'bad enough' to leave, however tempting that is.

He's already a selfish prick who has a track record for putting you last and not giving a shit about your feelings.

That is plenty 'bad enough', I hate the thought of you wasting a few more years on him while you wait to find out he's physically cheated again.

I’ve just picked up on Car Salesman. Is he charming, very good with people? Likes to seal a deal? I know it’s a cliche, but... I went out with a similar guy. These guys like to “win” but soon get bored of their prize.
I didn’t marry my guy, and neither did all of the other women who received the “xxx” treatment, while he was with me. He did get hitched in the end, but hasn’t changed...

@Rcats1
@category12 is completely correct when she says your partner is happy with you but also likes his ego stroked.

My ex husband, note the ex part, was exactly the same.
I put up with chats to other women (aka emotional affairs) for 17 years, dont be like me.
My ex promised to change every time he was caught but never did and I eventually found the strength to leave.

My marriage was full of emotional and financial abuse, you actually sound like you might be with my ex!!

2 years ago tomorrow I got rid of him and he is still not over it. He actually told me that he would never have left me for any of these women and he loved me loads. He still cant believe I dared to leave him.

Please get out while you can.

I'm shocked by your latest messages, how convenient that you have to financially keep him as well as looking after his children and being a good housewife while also working.

Oh lovey he has really done a number on you, hasn't he?

He's got it made. You keep the house and look after his kids which keeps his family and Ex sweet. You bring in cash and subsidise him so that he can fritter money away on fuck knows what. You make no demands of him - he doesn't even have to bother with a birthday present or valentine's card for you. And he can go and chat up and fuck other women safe in the knowledge that he can wander back home when he feels like it.

He's a leech who is bleeding you dry. He's taking it out of you emotionally and financially. If he gave even the slightest shit about you do you think he would treat you this way?

Walk away.

I think the issues started before I got pregnant when I got drunk once and just basically yelled at him saying how bored I was, that we never go anywhere or do anything and if we do, it's to the cinema where we sit in silence for 2 hours. Sometimes I'd just like a date nigjt where we go out, have a nice meal, get sozzled with each other and laugh like we did in the earlier days (we'll saying that he never got sozzled because he's not a big drinker) the best night we've ever had was when we went to for a spa night. It was just us to. Had a meal, massage, stayed over in hotel and took wine back to the hotel room and had sex.. It was just lush. But that was ONE time in THREE years. I get so restless, that I'm thinking of just fucking him off and going out and doing my own thing when his lockdown is lifted. I'll just go see my family and friends all the time with the babba, maybe even tell him he's watching the baby so I can go have a few drinks out and a much needed socialising hour with my friends. A night off so to speak.
I know what you're all saying, I especially don't want to wake up 5 years down the line, or more, where nothings changed, I'm bored out my mind in the relationship with no intimacy only to find out I've been cheated on all that time. I may as well move into my mother's, save up and get my own place and start a fresh.
Right now I can't do that. I have no money. I'm on maternity leave with basic maternity pay. My mums a key worker so I can't even see her. I don't have anywhere to go right now. And if he IS innocent and he Hasn't done anything and in his mind he was just harmlessly saying I miss you as a response to her saying it first and thinking it was friendly.. That definitely stops. But more so we seriously need to work at other issues in this relationship too. I feel like just giving it until the end of the year and if things still don't change just packing my shit up and leaving.

I'd just get shot of him. But I can understand why you want to wait it out a bit.
Even if this case is fairly innocent he doesn't sound like a good un I'm afraid.

TBH I wouldn't even give him to the end of the year.

If he suddenly started treating me nicely that would make me even more pissed off. The fact that he could have been behaving like this all along but didn't.

This is going to sound really harsh and I apologise in advance, but you've said he doesn't like being on his own. He needed a nanny and a housekeeper and so he went and found one. And he throws you the occasional bone to keep you sweet. The fact that you've had a baby just makes it easier from his perspective, because it ties you down further.

It really doesn't matter at all if she is into him. What matters is that you gave this guy another go after he cheated previously and he should know better than to play with fire - which is what he is doing.

A part of me is saying he's lining her up, he's enjoying the attention, if he thinks he can get away with it he'll do it again.

Yes. He will.

And another part of me is saying don't jump to conclusions it might be innocent.

It's not innocent. Please don't be so naive.

I half wish I'd looked through his photos to see if there were any pics of his dick on there lol.. Saying that he never sent me dick pics before OR when we got together. He said he's never sent them to anyone since he was in his early twenties... I still don't get the pube shaving like. His belly hair has NEVER bothered him before. Not the entire time I've known him. Maybe I'll make a list of EVERYTHING that doesn't add up and go through it with him. See his reaction. See what he's got to say.

Why would you bother making a list? He’s a liar, he’ll continue to lie, and make a fool of you for as long as you let him.

Why would you bother making a list?

Because I'll forget half the shit. I did yesterday when I confronted him. Then when I remember stuff im like.. We'll I'm gunna have to bring it up AGAIN aren't I and include that in there this time...

But you know enough now to know he’s a cheat. He’ll still be a cheat whether you forget half of that or not. Speaking to him about it won’t change it, won’t make him a better man and it won’t fix anything.

@Ughmaybenot

But I don't know he's cheating with her. That's the thing here. Yes he's done it in the past but there is a chance still here that he's not cheating either physically or emotionally. This is my issue. I don't have any more evidence. They said they missed each other, she said it first, he said it in response to her.. It was at the end of a message that was saying congratualions on your baby,shes gorgeous bla bla... Miss you :( xxx' like that. I haven't seen anything to say that they're meeting up, or that thier pining after each other ect... Like that would be enough to pack my bags.. But he's saying the "miss you" comment was friendly banta between them... So I don't know what the hell to think right now

Hi op just wondering what the messages were sent to him on if what's app even if he deletes the cab photos still remain in his phone gallery so I would defo check that to see if any photos were sent or received . X

Your relationship sounds rubbish. One good night out together in all this time?

What has he got to offer you? You deserve happiness.

If he has a Samsung, deleted photos stay in the recycle bin for 2 weeks.

@inapickle1989

They were just text messages. There's a WhatsApp group they have for work but she was texting him normally

OP... what do you think it meant when she said check in and let me know you're okay.

Why wouldn't he be okay? I'd he had always demonstrated he's in a happy relationship with you and has no other issues, why would she say this. The little snippet of conversation is very suspect.

Given his history, he doesn't have any boundaries where women are concerned.

If you're going to stay with him, you might want to show him this list.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

OP... what do you think it meant when she said check in and let me know you're okay.
Why wouldn't he be okay?

Unless she's checking in he hasn't got the 'rona?' I don't know.
When I was pregnant there were so many days I was just completely zapped of energy, puking all the time, you know how it is. Some days I'd clean the house from top to bottom but most days I was just too exhausted so he did it all. He did say that he was telling the lasses in work that he did all the housework and I remember saying "I bet you were proper slagging me off" and he said "i was... No I'm joking. Obviously i wasn't".... But now I'm thinking what is he actually painting ME out to be at home? I was gunna talk to him about it tonight but now his eldest has come to stay with us for a few days as her little sister has a high temp and tonsillitis so they've been seperated between houses...

Also, when I was heavily pregnant I refused to look after the kids as I was becoming really really overwhelmed and he seemed pissed off by my attitude. But his youngest is a handful at the minute, my hormones were everywhere and I just kept bursting into tears when she was playing up. I've already told him I'm not looking after all 3 of them when he does return to work. It's literally so overwhelming. I wonder if he's saying all this to this new girl and making her feel sorry for him like he did with me when I first met him about his ex wife.