Found suspicious texts on DPs phone

[Rcats1]

Morning.
Just want to pick all your brains about something, and get some outside perspective on whether I'm just being super paranoid, or if this is a cause for concern.

So, I've just had a baby a month ago. My first child to my dp who I've been with for 3 years. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage too.
To cut a long story short, at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work") anyway, we broke up for like a week before he grovelled and promised me the world and more, deleted all social media accounts and blocked the girl he was seeing and cut all ties... So I took him back, we moved in together and 2+ years later, he's still not on social media and I've had no cause for concern... Until...

He started a new job. Since I'd say about January time he keeps talking about a female colleague. Let's call her *Laura for the purpose of this thread. Every other day he'd be like "so me and Laura were talking today.. And.. Me and Laura did this... Or Laura this and that.." and then one day he said they were talking about her dating life drama and she said to him "why can't I just find someone like you?" to which he replied "you should just find someone older to date, someone who has kids and who you can settle down with" and my immediate thought was, why the hell would you tell her that? Someone like you, you mean??

I left it alone and didn't say anything but something didn't sit right with me at all. Anyway, he zonked out on the sofa last night and his phone was next to me and her name flashed up in a text, so I thought fuck this I'm opening it... And there were texts from a month ago (3 days after I'd given birth) to which she was asking how he was doing, he sent her a picture of the baby and she said congrats, she's beautiful bla bla but at the of the message put "I miss you :( xxx" and he said "i miss you too. Looking forward to seeing you when we're back at work xxx"
Then she said to keep texting her and checking in so she knew he was alright and he told her to do the same... There's been no other messages since then..but like.. Wtf?

He's done this before over 2 years ago and I'm thinking, is it going to happen again? Is this girl into him? Will he have another moment of weakness and cheat again.. Or does it sound like harmless banta? I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't know how to approach the subject.

I've just confronted him about it there and he responded as I thought he would "there is absolutely nothing going on. I'm not doing this again. How many times do I have to tell you, your my life, I'm not interested in anyone else but you. You and my kids are all that matter to me. I'm sorry if you thought those messages came across as something else but I swear on our child's life thier not. I didn't mean to be disrespectful to you, I thought it was harmless... ' I don't know what to think. Pfft.

You know it isn't "harmless"

He doesn't give a shit either way....he simply wants you to stfu about it so he can carry on sniffing around other women

Never trust a man who swears on a child's life. Your suspicions are invariably true and then you have the additional distress of finding out how casually they would lie to you about something so important.

I'm sorry if = I'm not sorry and I'm about to tell you exactly what I actually think.

My ex swore on his dying fathers life (among others) that he wasn't cheating.

He was, obviously.

When I called him out, with definitive proof, for swearing on his dads life he said "oh thanks for reminding me my dad has cancer, you're so fucking nasty."

OP - let's take this back to basics. Maybe he isn't cheating. But you don't trust him, do you? You don't believe you are his priority? You don't believe he couldn't be 'tempted' very easily?

Do you want to waste your life on this wanker?

I think what I'm gunna do is take the baby and go spend a week at my mums when this lockdown is over and have some much needed head space.
I've got a baby camera set up in the living room so I'll be able to see if anyone came round.. Or if he left. He said to me "I can't believe you're even questioning it, I wouldnt do that to you again and I've tried to prove myself over and over again" to which I said "i have every right to question you you're telling a fucking colleague that you miss her. You've done this before. Of course I'm going to question you when I suspect something".
Everyone gets caught out in the end.. If he does do something later along the way I'm off no questions asked but my DD is a month old, and I can't leave because I suspect something. If I had solid evidence something was going on of course I would.

How do you not know what to think you absolutely know, you just don’t want to believe it. He’s such a bastard to do this to you.

I can't believe that you took him back after he repeatedly shagged another woman whilst you were babysitting his kids, at a stage in your relationship that would have been so easy to walk away from.

Now he knows that you are a sucker for punishment (combined with the fact that he is a man capable of such behaviour) he will continue to be unfaithful. No amount of hand wringing, 'making things nice' at home, you offering him sex, and tying yourself up in knots analysing and questioning will stop it because this is the sort of man that he is. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and heartbreak - unless you choose to make the break now.

I mean, you can't even trust him to work late. Imagine how you will feel when he goes out for drinks or on a 'lads' holiday or the gym. Wouldn't you sleep easier at night knowing that you don't have to worry about being cheated on by some loser?

Well, of course he doesn’t want you to leave....who would look after his kids?

Is he going out at all?
I think he has already gone passed an emotional affair.
They miss each other?
That’s more than friends.
I hope your not looking after his other two children now.
Odd to shave your pubes.
Could he have another phone?

I don't think he has another phone. We're literally on top of each other in this house and he's either tidying, feeding or changing the baby or having an hour on his xbox. The only time he leaves is for food shopping but he usually rings me when he gets there because he forgets to take the list and asks what we need again.

I should mention that the first time he cheated he swore blindly he never slept with her (I still don't believe it) but again, he swore on his kids lives he never slept with her and that all they did was kiss. Said it was a gradual thing over the 3 month, emotional at first then physical but was only kissing and she had a bf so didn't want it to progress to sex. Ha! But kissing is OK? Rightio.

Anyway... Like I said we got over that. Believe me I didn't let it drop for a long time but eventually I thought it would make me more ill to not move on from it. And things were fine.

I've told him how disrespectful it is to text that to someone else, especially a colleague and said I wouldn't message one of my male colleagues saying shit like that, 1 because I have a partner and especially not if they did too. He's just saying it's all innocent and hell not reply to her texts if she texts him in the future.

I get what you guys are saying but if he is innocent in all of this I can't just break up and move out without solid evidence. I need something a little more incriminating for me to break up the family and cause 2 other little girls the distress of leaving. (my step kids who I'm super close to)
All I wanted was to see if the messages were suspicious or not and get an outside perspective on it and see what you guys would do or how you'd react if it were you...

I will be keeping tabs on him if course and I hope to God this was just harmless. He wants to take the baby in to show everyone at work when they're all back and I'm half tempted to go in and give this girl the absolute stink eye and let her know I KNOW.
She might just be being friendly but some women don't care if men have wives, gfs or kids.. Some women love that shit and will go out there way to get involved with a taken man. But it takes two to tango and I'd blame both.

You're going to spend your entire life feeling like this.

I wonder if you can even IMAGINE the peacefulness, the happiness of being with someone who you actually know truly has your back.

Instead of setting up hidden cameras as your backup.

There's no more 'solid evidence' that this man is a bad deal than the way you feel inside right now.

What will happen is you'll stay, he'll have affaird, and you'll probably get your evidence in five years' time when you have a four year old and a toddler.

He wants to take the baby in to show everyone at work when they're all back and I'm half tempted to go in and give this girl the absolute stink eye and let her know I KNOW.

See what I mean? You KNOW.

Leave him. You've only got one life, you want to spend it in a relationship like this?!

at the beginning of our relationship, 7 months in to be exact, I found out he'd been cheating on me with a colleague and had been for several months (even on the nights when I was looking after his kids when he was "at work

I just can't understand how some grovelling made you take him back after that.

7 months and he was cheating for several months.

If he can cheat on you during the honeymoon phase, when ypu should be lovey lovey, when you have no kids keeping you up at night and when things haven't had the chance to get tough...why would you think he'll be faithful in more challenging times.

Hi op I'm laughing by here at the way you talk 😂 your like me . Fuck it so I snooped and I will take the tv and leave him with his shitty one 😂😂 love it . You got a good sense of humour . Right I'm going to be honestl here . Me and my boss had this going on . Group chat but then we would send private ones . He is married and I am with my partner . Long term . I would put anything on it that they fancy each other . As soon as they start talking about a certain person as work a lot you know . Also the miss you text says it all . I would nip this in the bud whilst you can . I don't think any food is going to come of this at all . He has a history of cheating . And could easily do it again no matter how much he loves you . When they start texting out of work and not about work that's when they start to get an emotional connection. An emotional affair . It's pretty hard to get out of that whilst your doing it . Then that leads to other things . Work nights out including drink ? Not a good mix . I'm sorry to be really blunt but in the end I had to decide to give up quite a bit of work because I know we were getting way too close . I had feelings for him too . Obviously didn't tell him but I rekon he must of known . What finished me off is I found out they went away for a weekend him and his wife and whilst he was supposed to of been enjoying it with her he was texting me . She found out and stormed off . Also any longer with the two of us getting closer something could of easily of happened. It's been a year now since I stepped away. We message around twice a month and only about work . I got a funny feeling he might of deleted messages after the keep in contact text. And don't be too bothered about face book it's all filtered . Christ in my profile picture I look pretty good . Then in real like il like 2/10 😂 xxx

I have been somewhere very similar. Without the cheating past. “Don’t you miss me?” Emails to a female Colleague he was meeting up with and lying about whilst I was home with a newborn. Pretending she moved teams when I first found out but a year later I find out it was a lie and it’s been going on for a year. All that shit. Inappropriate and awful.

I stayed. But I stayed after months of grovelling and couples counselling and believing it was just an ego boost on his side. Him writing her emails making clear her conduct wasn’t ok and nor was his. I emailed her.

It’s difficult. I know how you feel and it’s so awful at this time when you are vulnerable. You don’t want to break up your family. I don’t Know how to advise you because I didn’t leave. But I saw this thread and all it did was bring up all those emotions for me again and even now, time passes and I am still SO ANGRY and SO HURT. If I think about it I work myself up again.

With the history of cheating on top of this? WhatsApp messages not even work emails? I think it’s too much. It’s all too much.

Handhold OP.

I get it OP, your baby is a month old and for now it feels better/easier/safer to stay and try to live with the doubt than blow your life apart by leaving him. That's understandable and absolutely your choice to make but you do need to do it with your eyes wide open and your mental health at the forefront of your mind.

Best advice I can give you is have an exit plan, use the time you're still with him to build up your strength, get finances, housing, work and your support network set up so that when the doubt gets too much and you know you have to go there is nothing stopping you.

He would have to work his arse off to fix the damage he's done to your trust now and from what you've said he won't bother so it's pretty much a forgone conclusion that you will hit that point where the doubt is too much eventually, seems sensible to be prepared for when it happens to me. Sorry he's putting you through this, I hope you're ok

Ok. So he is off the hook and you are going after the sidepiece.

What a fucking cliche. To keep your man in line you have to warn off the competition. Pitiful.

Well clearly I'm not going after her am I. And he's not off the hook. I've got a bit more decorum than to make a scene in his work place with my child. But I absolutely can death glare her if she's flirting with my dp or crossing a line. And I've had it out with him. It applies to both of them.

@inapickle1989 haha I just type as I speak sometimes without a filter lol, well this is why I decided to confront him now about it rather than play dumb to it and let him think I'm oblivious. I'd rather her knew I'd saw the texts and had an issue, than to not and to entertain "banter" back and forth.

Also I completely agree to the outside texting developing into an emotional connection as then it leaves room to start connecting on a deeper level, opening up to one another, sharing intimate things etc..
I used to always say it was fine for men to have female friends but there's a line you don't cross and boundaries that clearly need to be put in place. I've asked him if it's all so innocent to respect my feelings and to tell her where these boundaries lie, otherwise if it did continue and she was reaching out to him all the time, I would have to say something to her myself and then shit would hit the fan with him.

He doesn't have any mates outside of work, he didn't when I met him as he lost them all through his previous marriage when they fell out.. He's been very much all for his family and spending time with his family (which I have no issue with at all) so I know he won't be going on lads holidays or out drinking as he doesn't drink much. He's a shandy. Has one beer and he's done,whereas I'm the complete opposite and love a glass or five of wine. It keeps me sane.
Ive expressed my concerns of when he does return to work and if I suspect anything untoward is going on moving forward then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. My gut instinct was almost screaming at me last time and I went snooping because of that... Its not the same this time... I think somethings definately off but not so much that I instinctively know he's cheating.
I'm hoping he stays faithful and doesn't break our little family apart, I've been nothing but good to him and loving and I hope he wouldn't throw all that away for a fling.

Would he tell a male colleague "I miss you,xxx"?.
I'm guessing the answer would be no.

He&"Laura" might not be physically connected but they emotionally are and that's a very slippery slope that could go from friendship to relationship if he's not careful.

Also "Laura" is a cow for behaving like this towards an attached man and he's a tool for lapping it up.

@Loveontherocks100 oh god how awful 😔 that's especially shit that he did that when you were at home with a newborn... That's why it hurt seeing those messages as it was 3 days after i gave birth. Like I've just had a major operation, can't walk and I'm in agony and struggle to pick up my child but alright, text your fancy friend and crack on.

Sometimes I just don't think men think!! Fickle beings. I was like you for a long, long time where I couldn't stop thinking about it and if I do now I'm the same I get angry and upset. More angry than anything though, but in order to move on I had to let go of that bitterness I was feeling and detach from it before it completely consumed me. So seeing that new message brought back a lot of those feelings again. I've said all this to him tonight and he's just full of apologies saying he wasn't thinking when he replied to her, and won't do it again. I just hope he doesn't.

He wants to take the baby in to show everyone at work when they're all back and I'm half tempted to go in and give this girl the absolute stink eye and let her know I KNOW. She might just be being friendly but some women don't care if men have wives, gfs or kids.. Some women love that shit and will go out there way to get involved with a taken man.

Women, eh?

Sometimes I just don't think men think!! Fickle beings.

This is such a weird get out clause. He did think. Last time he cheated he thought "I want to shag this other woman and I don't care that my girlfriend is looking after my kids at home while I do it."

Just like he might now be thinking "I want to flirt with my colleague and I don't care that my girlfriend is under the impression I won't cheat again." There's a difference between not thinking and not caring.

He sounds like he'll get away with as much as he can for as long as he can because he thinks without catching him red handed that you won't leave.

But don't ever be under the impression he just "doesn't think" if he isn't thinking about you and his family. You should expect more than that from an adult partner in a committed relationship.

There's a difference between not thinking and not caring.

True.

I would kill for some unbroken sleep lol, my heads battered, I miss my family like crazy and then I have this shit on top. I look at my little baby and I'm just so in love with her, I just don't want her to get fucked over as well. The thing is my own dad cheated on my mam when we were kids, and my mams still not over it 30+ years later. She hates him and brings it up quite a lot, especially when she's had a glass of wine. And my dp always says "whys your mam so angry at your dad all the time" so I explain it to him, and tell him how getting fucked over by the person you love can effect your mental health and leave scars that might never heal no matter how much time passes...i was hoping it might make him think twice about his own life choices and decisions but Im not entirely convinced it has or will.

Meh. I'm shattered so I'm off to bed to get some sleep whilst the babies asleep. Thanks for your comments guys.. I'll take them all on board and update you soon

I've been nothing but good to him and loving and I hope he wouldn't throw all that away for a fling.

He already did!!!

You've had a baby with a piece of shit you can't trust!

Decorum? How about you have REAL decorum... walk away from the cheat.

Not the big-talkin' hair-flicky oooh I'll give her the death glare - jesus christ. This is your LIFE you are talking about. You want to end up like your mother? Carry on.

Well I hate to say it but cheating while wives are having babies/in hospital is just so common it's almost a cliche. Also the downstairs grooming but not wanting sex. The swearing on the child's life. In fact it's all just SUCH a pathetic cliche. And the one thing they all say is that the baby wasn't planned and they feel trapped.

As for he can't because he never goes out - that's what a friend of mine said till she discovered a long term affair with a colleague. While they were engaged, going right through to baby number 2.
He got caught the first time - this time he will take precautions. He is not influenced by your goodness or decency in fact it makes him feel a bit shitty, a bit guilty, a bit undeserving. She makes him feel great about himself though.

You can't leave till you catch him out but doing so will be hard because you've warned him now. I feel for you. Take a step back from him emotionally if you can because I do think he will hurt you, and you deserve better. A baby doesn't mean you have to stay with him forever you've obviously got your shit together so start to untangle your finances and protect your future then you'll just have to see how it pans out.

He's the cheating type and if he feels already that he's not good enough it won't make him less of a cheater - especially if you are kind. It will make him worse.