Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

He can't possibly know everything that's going on inside.

Pornhub has many, many things. Including standard, 'vanilla' sex, as well as the stuff you describe. Trying to work out and judge what he watched on the basis of some of the titles on the front page is utterly pointless.

If he told you, you'd focus on the people in the videos, what they have that you don't, whether somebody in the street looks anything like the people, whether he's going to leave you for one of them, etc, etc. If he doesn't, you assume he's looking at all the more specific categories.

Step away from it. Try to stop looking for ways to catch him out or twist things where the only conclusion is the one your MH is looking for.

Think about what you can do that's good for you. Which is not tying yourself up in knots looking for evidence to prove what your exes told you.

From your recent posts its very clear that your OH is not aware just how big of a deal this is for you. You kept saying he did and watched it anyway, but his reaction to the whole situation shows he had no idea this was such a deal breaker. Early in your relationship when you discussed these things you didnt make it clear just how important this is for you and so he didnt realise that by watching it he will hurt you. And to this extent. Which is why he is so chilled now, because he cannot read your mind and feelings inside and see what a mess this made. To him it isnt a big deal. Lots of people watch porn and see no issue with it and lots cant stand it. If this is a hard no for you, you needed to make that clear to him from the start and he in turn could have made a decision based on that. You didnt.

Your DP doesn't think it's a big deal because he's used to your OTT insecurity so it's normal for him. If he knew that you were thinking about driving into a wall then he would not be blasé.

Also, this:

Yes after the emails came through I kept nagging him...not everyday!!The odd text at work...the odd roll over and strop at night to get attention and let out my worrys that the emails hold some truth...A few days of nothing and then yes I'd bring it up again...

Is not even remotely normal. You are saying you harass him for days as though it's nothing. Your perception of normal is skewed. If my DP did any one of the above to me he would be out; it's abusive.

You are showing him 5% of the crazy that is going on in your head, while the other 95% is this bubbling lava that's eating you up. Yes, he might give you extra cuddles for a few days and you think it can all go back to normal, but the lava is still there and next time he triggers an eruption (and there will be a next time, there's no doubt about that) you're back to where you started.

You need serious psychotherapy to get to the root of your issues and learn how to deactivate your triggers. Tell the doctor that you're suicidal, don't sweep this under the carpet again.

@Wellwhatdouknow I agree...And that's what hes saying...But then others on here are saying I was clearly so possessive and controlling by saying that I dont want him watching it...that I scared him into silence?...It cant be both...He is honestly genuinely saying to me...I AM NOT IN ANYWAY GOING TO BE CONTROLLED BY YOU.I wouldnt live under anyones thumb..yes I know your past has made you have trust issues but they dont and haveny affected our life or how I live as a man...i would leave you...I wouldnt put up with it.I listened to your words about not liking a partner watching porn...but I didnt pre empt your feelings...because you've never shown me that side to you...Where we are so happy and enjoy life in every way...This bomb shell never seemed like it would be possible...So I dont really feel like it is what people are viewing on here...the fact hes in some way scared and abused...Hes a strong individual and knows his worth...he wouldnt allow it.And I wouldnt ever want a man to bow down to me.We are equal and both deserve choices and freedom.But also our own boundaries...and mine is no porn.Im not ashamed of that.And I told him that.He opened up and said he understands.Seeing how i put it that hes seeking sexual gratification from another woman over a phone...seems terrible...and if it was me doing it he isnt sure he would be so happy...I dont think it's as black and white as it seems.

The issue here is getting over what I feel is a personal betrayal.Calming my obsessive thoughts and images of him and porn and creating a whole catastrophe that it means hes cheating on me.Or going to down the line.Because when all is said and done.Could I stop it?No...and that does lie within my mental health I accept that and I am going to really address it...not for him.For me...I dont deserve to feel 2nd best to anyone...or not good enough...I deserve to feel good enough for him.And he deserves a woman who is secure in her own skin and secure in his words and feelings towards me...If he says I'm all he wants and how much he adores me...its sad i dont believe that.And I will fix that.Im going to come off this thread because it stirs me up and isnt making me calm down.But thankyou all so much for your messages...it really has helped pull me out of what was looking like a very dark hole.

You are wishing you could control him, all your thoughts are around how to get inside his mind understand absolutely everything, work our why how what where when and how it all relates to you. You are looking at everything he says and does for signs of what it means. This comes across as controlling. We all know the reasons why in your past you feel this way but it doesn’t stop it from happening

You cannot expect and it’s not physically possible for someone to hand over all their thoughts and actions to you to make you feel safe and secure
If you do not like porn or like his reaction to confessing, then you need to leave him.

Because how many times can he say sorry and he loves you, you don’t believe him. You don’t trust him. So you want even more evidence and control over him but he can’t give it to you

Sorry see your last post
I agree you need those things - but you need to give them to yourself, he can’t fix you

But my love you say this now:

Yes after the emails came through I kept nagging him...not everyday!!The odd text at work...the odd roll over and strop at night to get attention and let out my worrys that the emails hold some truth...A few days of nothing and then yes I'd bring it up again...theres been no screaming and threatening...And until it came out I've not cried or shown him any pain...can we work on this?..

When you said this earlier:

harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...

Which is a different case to what you said before that and neither are healthy at all.

It's great you have reached out to your doctor for some help, you should be really proud of yourself for that.

But you need to stop doubling down on being defensive and catastrophising as an automatic reflex to being challenged, if you want to move towards a calmer and more centred mood.

Hopefully it's something your doctor and some therapy can help with

I totally agree with @backseatcookers

OP, you don't even seem to understand what you are doing. You are swinging between extremes and seem obsessed with getting inside his head. My daughter has EUPD and I know how hard it is. But you need to engage and take the drugs. Take some mood stabilisers, even for just a few weeks. I promise they will help to calm your mind.

You really need to unpick your self esteem and self worth from being wrapped around and dependent on your partner and also your sexuality/desirability. Your happiness seems 100% to rely on him following the rules, sadly human nature means that we all make mistakes and IF your oh has looked at porn, he has aplogoised and moved on. You are not less desirable than the women in it, watching porn does not negate your attractivness to your partner. He is allowed to look and if you can not deal with that , if that breaches your rules, then you need to end the relationship. Imagine telling him he can only eat a roast dinner for the rest of his life and isnt even allowed to look at pizza or chinese food. He hasnt eaten pizza or chinese, but he las LOOKED at it. Not eaten it. And looking at pizza and chinese does not mean he does not like roast dinner anymore.

You also need to be honest with yourself, In one part you say you were hounding him over the emails and porn etc. But then you say that nobody knows how much you obsess and you pain a smile on etc. I do not believe that he has fallen for that for a second. I have seen this in my daughter. She believes something totally different to the reality. WHat happens in her head is very often nothing like real life, that is just the thought patterns and obsessiveness warping her reality.

Please please take the medication they give you. So what if you gain a little weight. You should be fat and stable over skinny, obsessive and neurotic. You could potentially lose your relationship if you do not take steps to get yourself back on track. The best way to do that is to listen to the DOCTORS. Engage with the treatment.

@Cantthinkofanameeee..... It is clear that you are VERY unwell and things seem to be spiralling out of control. You need urgent psychiatric help. Have you heard back from your GP? If not, do call again and make it clear that you need help with your mental health NOW.

Maybe you could print out your posts from this thread to show them as they show very clearly what is going on in your mind.

From the MIND website:

If you want to speak to someone right now, the quickest route is to access emergency services.

For urgent medical attention, your options are Accident & Emergency (A&E) and Emergency GP appointments.

For urgent medical advice you can call the NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct (Wales).

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/getting-help-in-a-crisis/

Mind also has some online tools that may be helpful:

www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/?ctaId=/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool/slices/using-this-tool/

Please do not try to fight this on your own.

OP, if you ban porn, are you going to ban him masterbating too? Are you going to quiz him about what he thinks about while doing it? Whether it's you he thinks about, or whether he thinks about something you don't do, or whether he thinks about a different woman or an imaginary woman? All of that will bug you, because the issue isn't him, it's you.

@Cantthinkofanameeee by your own admission you were so upset you were contemplating driving into a wall, something that you’ve already said you couldn’t or wouldn’t share with your DP or anyone IRL for fear of your child/children being taken from you. It’s no wonder the responses on here are far removed from the laidback reaction of your DP, given we have been privy to your inner thoughts and feelings in a way that he hasn’t been.

I really hope your GP can give you the help and support you need.

I haven’t read the whole thread op, but I have just looked in my spam box and I have a whole host of women offering to ‘meet me’ and asking me what I’d like to do to them with my huge cock. Funny, because I don’t actually have a penis 🤷‍♀️
I also work alongside a number of blokes, who I would class as work friends and they are really lovely people.

Despite both of the above and despite my DH looking nothing like Taylor Lautner; I am completely in love with my husband and to me, he is the sexiest, most wonderful man on the planet.

You’ve acknowledged what you have is a medical condition and you need to get help with that so that you can appreciate and enjoy what you have.

And op, as a female, I watch porn. A lot. It is meaningless. It’s just when I know my husbands not really up for it. I don’t even pay attention to what the ‘actors’ look like.
If my husband told me that I couldn’t watch porn I’d think he was bonkers.

Perhaps I would oblige if he would make sure every time I felt like sex he was up for it...but that’s not fair. Especially as my sex drive is really high and DH’s is happy with 2-3 times a week.

So I (obviously) can’t force my husband to have sex when he doesn’t want to...but I can’t please myself and watch some porn to speed it up? Op, that’s not fair.

If my husband gave me that ultimatum, I would probably lie to him.

I know you’re concerned about whether he finds the women in porn more attractive than you but it would be the controlling behaviour and constant need to reassure you that becomes tiring and unattractive. Even if your husband says he is ok, this is not normal, healthy behaviour and he shouldn’t be put under this pressure of having you nag him and make him feel guilty for nothing really. So he said he wouldn’t look at porn 6 years ago but things change and after all that time, maybe he had an urge to look. Those urges surely would be stronger when your wife controls you and is always on a downer, compared to living with a happy wife that looks at you like an equal.

If a man was physically abusive, his partner might say she was ok. That doesn’t mean she is or that the behaviour is ok. He would still need help. Sometimes people get so used to how things are that it seems normal. Sometimes people love their partner that much that they would do anything to keep that relationship going, even if it means putting up with unfair behaviour.

Deep down, you don’t want to be this person, regardless of what your husband says. You know he is a good man, so get the help to change. Life will be so much better for both of you. Don’t wait until he says it is an issue and is fed up of it. Your children also deserve to see what a healthy relationship looks like as this will influence their future.

I dont know if anyone will read this/care/believe or hate me for "drip feeding...But after some time to think and having spoke with a councillor I think moving forward I owe it to myself to be wholey honest...All of the above is true...(how controlling I've been...How great my partner is day to day.) But I have held back some things because I was scared to hear something negative...I wanted this to all be in my head and all my fault...because that's better than my partner not wanting me.
So...the porn thing has ALWAYS been made clear it was a no go...He has had pop ups on his phone many a time over the years and I have asked what the hell they are and made it clear I'm not ok with that.I would be hurt insecure and unhappy if he viewed porn.He said he was FINE with that.He doesnt need or want it..RIGHT from the get go...and he said it's due to him downloading dodgy games.He DOES not watch porn.He swore on our children.My lack of trust comes from other things with him that have happened
Over these years a few lies have came out...He was smoking weed & cigarettes and lying to me about it (he pretended he was quitting to me for health/money/good example for the kids ect) this broke my heart.We got over it though.But...it happened time and time again.He would smell of smoke.Id find texts on his phone to mates about bringing a joint for the walk to work ect...And ive struggled to trust him since.Then obviously the lying about the girl at work thing happened which was another knock..Hes always had pop ups on his phone over the years of porn sites and again he lied and denied he watched it.Why would I watch porn when I have you.But I still felt something was off.This has happened lots.The pop ups.Deleted internet history.Glued to his phone/headphones.Takes it to the toilet/bath.Sexually hes never really had a "fetish" or requested anything much out of the ordinary from me...Sexy lingere...sex toys...role play NOTHING...and I did try to ask him if hed like me to do anything for him...whats his fantasy in life?And be a bit more spicy over the years and he just said I'm happy with what we do...So I left it...I've also asked about porn and is it something he would like to do.What does he masturbate over.And he just says he doesnt wank because we are always having sex.Ive sent him saucy videos and pics of myself and not had much of the wow factor from him.When I was pregnant I text him really upset that he seemed off..Distracted.Really withdrawn.Not horny for me.Was he watching porn?Begging him to open up and he just denied anything was up.Laughed porn off as ridiculous...fast forward 5 years and I found the spam emails from porn sites and finally hes admitted hes used porn throughout our relationship...its an old habit that goes hand in hand with a "wank" and yes i do feel broken.All those times I asked.Tried to be open.And nothing.Im now looking at recovering and looking online for similar stories and it all comes up dealing with porn addictions...He denies he was addicted of course.But he seems to have shown all the red flags here...How can he watch porn but not so much as want to watch his girlfreind use a vibrator?...Dont know what I'm asking here...But it just feels good and not as scary to admit these things to myself...Is it ok that I stick to my guns with no porn...or do i now have to accept it because he lied all these years.Ive even asked if he wants to do it still and he just says no no no...Hes glad it's out in the open now as it did make him distant from me in a way...But he doesnt want it as part of our lives...He doesn't want me to watch it...He doesnt want to watch it together he wants a clean slate and to move forward being more intimate just us...What do you all make of all of this?I feel hes prob just too scared to tell me he enjoys porn...So hed rather not do it.And believe it or not that doesnt make me happy.Real love is open and trusted and together...I dont want to be a parent.Maybe if from day 1 he told me porn was horny for him I could of got involved...Accepted him doing it alone...and maybe watched together...or explored it myself...I feel I've lived one belief for nearly 6 years and change now is not an option.But change has happened weather I like it or not...How can this move forward for us.We really do love eachother.This is breaking us both and ruining the happy home we had.

@Menora
@BackseatCookers
@MitziK
@BemidjiMinnesota

I don't see any new information here OP. You've say if he'd said he wanted to watch porn at the start of the relationship you might have been open to it but that's a contradiction of everything you've said before. You wrote earlier that you'd made it clear at the very beginning that it was completely unacceptable to you so again, how could he do this?
I still think you are making these pop ups and spam mail into an issue where there isn't one.
I'm not sure how you get from a suspicion that he sometimes watches porn to him having an addiction?
None of what you're saying makes sense

@ladymary86 HE HAS ADMITTED WATCHING PORN BEHIND MY BACK THE WHOLE TIME...After deniying pop ups and emails

It's not a suspicion anymore because hes admitted it...6 years of lying about it toe

To be honest, you need to leave him. If you can't trust him and it's bad for your mental health you need to leave him. Due to how you are and your mental health it sounds like you will never trust him again.

I know that's probably not the answer you want but you've had excellent advice from a lot of people here and reasonable explanations, but if you don't agree with them there's nothing you can do bar leave. Porn or lying about porn is a line in the sand for you so you need to end it.

All the best

@Ginfilledcats I think your right.Thankypu for your reply

Hey OP - firstly I'm so sorry you are feeling so low 💕 I've not read the whole thread but here's my thought. And everything I say I mean with complete kindness.

1. There is absolutely no doubt you are very very insecure. A lot of these things you are insecure about are mountains out of molehills. Please please try to not give your partner too much grief over things he cannot control.

1. The porn spam emails - I am a female who NEVER watches porn and I have these exact emails to my work spam folder too. Honestly, they mean absolutely nothing! Please please don't get hung up on these.

1. Men watch porn - not saying they all do and it's okay BUT it's generally pretty common. Most men will watch it for a quick wank and it by no means makes you less attractive or makes them want to cheat. It's normal and nothing to be worried about.

1. Your partner from what you describe seems like a wonderful man, he really really does. Please don't self destruct and think he's a bad guy because to me, he sounds like exactly what you need. He's supportive, helps you get through the tough times and he's honest. He doesn't want to hurt you either. I know you are so low but it must be so hard for him to see you this way too. Don't walk away from something that may be good for you.

Apologies if there have been updates that I've missed x

I'm sorry OP but this all sounds like such hard work. I don't think these emails are this huge thing you're making them out to be, I get them in my spam too sometimes, lots of people do.

I understand you're having issues with your mental health and surrounding porn use etc... but if you don't trust him then you need to leave because if you don't I'm sorry but this is no way for you or your partner to have to live.

I could not cope if DH was being like you are about this, sorry.