Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

Op, when you have had trauma in your life, someone lying or withholding information is going to trigger all your pain and anxiety.
Grey areas and not knowing stuff is scary.

Trauma therapy will help you and your partner needs to learn to be 100% honest at all times.
It's the secrecy that's upsetting, not the woman at work or even the porn.
With therapy and him being upfront you could be a lot happier.

@crispysausagerolls I agree. Just because op has mh issues doesn't mean she needs to be OK with lies.
I have mh issues through trauma and I have let people get away with so much because it's easier for me and them to blame my brain than to accept that people I love aren't always kind or honest.
You can have mental health issues and be entitled to transparency.

Op, I understand how you feel.
My exh was a secret porn addict. He hardly ever wanted sex with me and when we did have sex it was awful. He so wasn't into me. It really wrecked my self esteem. I only found out at the end of the marriage about his habit. Lies are very destructive, even if they come from the best intentions.

@Cantthinkofanameeee I feel like you’re literally fixated, obsessed and controlling from your posts.

I was you once. It ruined my life.

Step back, realise you’re the problem, your reactions, your need for control, not porn per say. Appreciate and love the person you’re with or walk away. Simple choice.
Don’t spend your life trying to control someone and make them miserable with unrealistic expectations. Equally don’t be with someone that makes you miserable.

How can he watch porn but not so much as want to watch his girlfreind use a vibrator?...

OP I honestly think if he suggested to you using a vibrator in front of him you would react by thinking you weren't "enough" without a sex aid - and that if he did say he wanted to try something new in bed, you'd drive yourself mad wondering where he saw it and whether you could "live up to" whoever he might have seen do it in porn. Can you see that?

You posted about this a month ago and you have updated with information you think changes everything but it doesn't really.

The fact remains that you communicate poorly to each other, aren't on the same page on topics like weed / porn etc and while you seemed to accept you had catastrophised you now are saying you didn't.

I don't think this is a healthy relationship for either of you. I think it has become toxic and because there are children involved you both need to step up and acknowledge that and seriously consider how unhealthy it is.

You're bringing our the worst in each other and he is not the Prince Charming you positioned him as originally. In fact he has a history of lying to you (which I do think you have some accountability for due to your controlling qualities) and you as a couple have a history of arguing frequently.

I want to be the easy going confident girlfreind that can be ok knowing he watched porn believe me I do.I just feel very shocked out of control...

But you aren't. You can't learn to be totally ok with something that you aren't ok with. You don't have to fix every single hang up you have, you just have to have boundaries, stick to them and if something is a dealbreaker then you leave!

For reasons of previous trauma I cannot be with someone who would go to a strip club. I have personal reasons for that and it's a dealbreaker for me.

I don't think everyone who does it is awful, I don't think it should automatically be a dealbreaker in everyone else's relationship too but it is for me and so I would absolutely leave if my partner did this.

It's been a good way of regulating who I choose to be in relationships with because if it's something they do want to do then we aren't a good match and that's fine - I can end it.

You've posted hundreds of posts on this thread all saying how utterly unacceptable a partner watching porn is to you.

That's absolutely FINE to feel that way, but it means you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone who does watch porn. Surely you see that?!

It doesn't matter if that changes now because the trust isn't there and it's now in the forefront of your mind that he's lied (repeatedly, for years) and it's gone too far.

@famousforthewrongreasons

My meds are a bit complicated as I also have epilepsy but Lamictal (lamotragine) is the one that has changed my life when it comes to my bipolar.

I cannot believe the difference it's made, neither can the people around me! And it's lucky it's also an epilepsy medication so it helps treat that for me alongside a cocktail of others. Surprised I don't rattle!

@famousforwrongreason thankyou for those replies and that's exactly it...Lies make me feel so unsafe and like an outsider in my relationship...hes lied about smoking...hes lied about smoking weed.Lies about money...Before I found out about him lying about the girl at work and the porn.It being now about females/sexual stuff just made me feel like fuck sake...here we go what next...il find out you've cheated?Its lie after lie.And it cut me up just as bad...I felt like I'd done something wrong...I try so hard in this relationship to be healthy and functioning and not let my abusive past mould me...And look where it's got me...weather I have mental health issues or past traumas...does that mean it's not ok for me to have boundaries...why am I controlling because I'm not ok with my partner looking at other women naked and wanking over them?Its disrespectful...And he agreed in the beginning it was something he was ok with giving up...I had a job as a lap dancer when we first met and he said he didnt want me to work there anymore...and I agreed men seeing me in that way is disrespectful to my partner...so I'm now a stay at home mum to his 2 children..making no money of my own?But he can WANK over other women...I get no sexual pleasure from being naked dancing infront of men...its the men who get that pleasure...but I stopped for him...Yet he can actually get sexual pleasure from looking at women naked doing much more than a dancer does...We made agreements...we laid boundaries...He quit smoking cigarettes and weed...got so much praise for it...but all along hes smoked...smoked weed and wanked to porn but just lied about it...got his cake and ate it...and here I am...trying to be healthy honest trusting and loyal with this man...And I feel like I've just been trodden on all along...Laughed at...And yes my mental health has spiralled massively and all the past present and future feels like one big mess and weight on my shoulders...I cant sleep I think about it when I wake...when I close my eyes...all day...every day...no appetite...self loathing my body...Its a shit place to be...But this isnt all my fault...he has a voice...he has choices.He could of said from day 1 no it's not something I want to stop...clearly I'm not this big scary control freak or he wouldnt of done it at all...He wanted to look like mr perfect...but do the things he knew I disagreed with behind my back...And now I'm the monster...He knows this...hes lived our life he sees how good I am too him...he knows how many times I've looked him in the eyes and asked for honesty and hes just lied lied lied...Now I believe nothing...And it's hard to move forward...He wants forgiveness...if I went to a club and worked for a night and never told him...or worse...worked for 5 years behind his back?Would that be ok?...No it wouldn't...His lies have triggered my ill health...I was doing well in life and this realtionship and I was so so happy...I thought we both were...everyone we know says how great we are...how happy they are to see me happy being loved by some I "deserve" and when I've told people now about this...they are all a bit shocked and sad for me...because they know how much of a let down this is for me...They know how much I trusted him and let him in after many years of heartache...This isnt my fault...and it is ok for me not to be ok with porn...fantasise all you want...but seeing real life people is not ok for me...it says online how long term porn use makes men more likely to cheat...they bond with porn...they get desensitized to real sex...they become less attracted to their partners...and as I said above...now looking back at our pretty boring vanilla sex maybe he was off me...And maybe that was why...you dont watch filth like that and not want to do it in real life surely?You only dont do it in real life because the porn is satisfying enough...and that's not ok

@BackseatCookers I bought a vibrator and asked him to use it on me (he did) I've bought sex toys...I've gave him lap dances in sexy underwear..sent him videos and pics when hes at work...so you are wrong there I'm afraid...I always felt like it was me making moves...me buying toys...me trying to be more deep with him sexually...Then finding hes watched porn all along...I think well there you go it makes sense.He must of been uninterested because of that...I know how many qualities our relationship has and it's way more than the shit we are living the last 6 months...We are great together...Weve hit a patch of uncertainty...And I'm trying to find my way through it by asking strangers...if it's me and I'm controlling can I fix it?If hes in the wrong is it red flags to leave...I'm just feeling my way through it...why would I leave my family...over my boyfriend watching porn...if it's so small I just want reassurance from people who have no reason to lie...and maybe it can get better...And we will be ok...its not like we are dealing with him having an affair or hitting me or a secret child somewhere...It is something I hope to fix...but yes my lack of trust and mental health sends me to lows atm where I do think it's the end of the world...But I dont want it to be

@Bettysnow that's exactly what I want to hear...I am not a porn watcher...so I dont know why or how it makes people feel and because hes lied...I dont trust his reassurance.I just want to hear from strangers that I have nothing to worry about so I can try to understand why he did it and try to move forward.Yes I know my mental health and self esteem needd addressing...but I knew I wouldnt cope with something like this from the beginning which I was honest with...my self esteem cant handle that right now...I'm still healing and trying to believe I'm worth loving...and I really was getting there to now have this happen

You've fixated again on something you say I got wrong in my post - that's fine but it means you aren't addressing or working on everything else anyone is saying.

I'm just feeling my way through it...why would I leave my family...over my boyfriend watching porn...

1. You could do if you felt it was a genuine dealbreaker even if it was a one off. Many people would say that was an overreaction but a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker.

1. In YOUR case you would NOT be leaving for the reason you've stated above - your boyfriend watching porn - you would be leaving because he has lied to you repeatedly to your face swearing on the lives of your kids, about porn and also other things.

Can you not see that you are fixating on whether or not it's ok for you to be so angry he's watched porn when the real issue is you need to break up because the trust has been destroyed to a point it's unfixable!!

It would be nigh on unfixable for someone who didn't have a history of abusive relationships, let alone someone who does and is vulnerable when it comes to mental health as you are at the moment.

This relationship is built on a foundation do lies and insecurity. You say he's been lying for the last five years. YOU have said that.

It feels like when someone says it's not a big deal, you reply saying well it is a huge deal to me. Then when someone says it's a huge deal you should leave, you have a go at them a bit saying why would you leave when you are good together otherwise... you aren't good together!

Sorry if this comes across as harsh but you need to start realising that someone who repeatedly lies about things cannot have a healthy relationship with (well anyone but especially) someone who has insecurities and a history of being in abusive relationships with liars.

You must be absolutely fucking exhausted trying to make this work.

It isn't working.

@BackseatCookers I agree and your right...I just really dont want it to be true because I dont want to loose him...I want to have validation that hes done wrong and I'm not over reacting...And I also want reassurance that the wrongs hes done are small and we can work on them...that's the honest truth here...And I'm prob never going to get that...If I'm truthful with you I know I wont leave over this and I'm prob going to make our lives hell...I hate myself for it...I just dont want to let him get away with it...and I also dont want to loose him...I want to teach him a lesson...And show him how serious I am about him lying to me...That he realises what he has to loose and starts being more open...And we can fix this...On good days I literally dont care we go back to normal...Laughing cuddling enjoying the children...Talking about the future...but on bad days I feel so hopeless I vision him looking at these girls...I make myself believe he has never loved me doesnt fancy me...I've debated going to church when lock down is over...Turning to some sort of faith to help me let go...Forgive...Start again...I want this to work...Hes a great man...A great dad.
.And if smoking and watching porn is the worst hes going to do...and I could be sure of that...hand on heart in time I can let that go and move on.

@Cantthinkofanameeee He's lied about so many things, things which would've altered your opinion of him, porn and weed. Weed and stoners are disgusting to me and I like to think I would never go out with a man who smoked it.

It's no wonder you feel anxious/insecure what with all the lying. If you dumped him you'd feel worse for a while but then you'd feel better. Try and focus less and what you feel his porn use is saying about you (it isn't saying anything about you personally anyway) focus on his behaviours and his lies and see him for the scabby druggy sleazy liar he is. Then finish with him.

@famousforwrongreason @BackseatCookers Yep absolutely Lamotrigine is a game changer which kept me out of hospital for 15 years.

If I'm truthful with you I know I wont leave over this and I'm prob going to make our lives hell...I hate myself for it...I just dont want to let him get away with it...and I also dont want to loose him...I want to teach him a lesson...And show him how serious I am about him lying to me...

OP this is so, so, so unhealthy.

You think that the way to fix a deeply dysfunctional relationship is to "teach him a lesson" and punish him into behaving how you want him to?

Don't go to church after lockdown. Go to therapy. Please.

You are constantly spiralling and it is worth you discussing potentially EUPD / Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have bipolar and while I can spiral into being manic or depressed, your behaviours sound a lot more like those associated with EUPD / Borderline Personality Dispordee. Very strongly in fact.

I don't mean to armchair diagnose but you need some help from medical professionals and as you can see your behaviour has many potential diagnoses including that.

Do you recognise yourself in the image attached?

I don't believe you will seek help as I think you know it would mean you were challenged to change your behaviour and you don't want to.

But think about that.

You're relying on him changing his behaviour in order for you to be able to change yours. "If he did x I wouldn't do y". That means your life is in the hands of someone who has repeatedly, consistently and convincingly lied to you.

Don't you want to show your kids a better example of healthy behaviour and relationships so that they don't end up being in one that makes them so unhappy?

@NoMoreDickheads that's how I feel...Everyones saying I'm so controlling and that's why hes lied about this stuff...but I said what I wanted from a relationship in the EARLY months...before we really knew eachother...So why would he agree with a girl he barely knows to not do these things or feel controlled into agreeing not doing them?He could of said fuck off and left me alone...But he wanted both...so he chose to lie...Yes I've reiterated again and again over the years when the porn pop ups have came up on his phone "you better not be watching porn you know I've told you how it would make me feel" "Are you watching porn something doesnt feel right with you" If that's controlling then yes I am...But not being funny...he was doing it wasnt he?So my gut was right?...I dont really see how I'm controlling by being honest about being insecure of him wanking over other women...None of us are perfect and due to my past I do have trust and insecurity issues...Its something i told him...and have tried not to stop us having a good quality of life...He can talk to girls...goes out with mates and bloody bought some old girlfriends rounds of drinks?...Did I care...give him shit?NO...i wanted to be better...try to be secure and know he loves me...I trusted him...I really did...and all along hes been lying about the 1 bloody thing I told him would break me...it feels like porn was so important so tempting so irrisitable that he risked losing me and his family for...worth it enough to swear on our babies over...Its breaking me in 2

@BackseatCookers I have been diagnosed with borderline personality Disorder OCD & body dysmorphia I said this in above posts...my partner knows this...so this is why looking at porn is not a healthy way for me to live...It will make me obsessed over what hes seen...It will make me feel even worse about my body...And my reaction will be horrendous due to my BPD...This is why you talk to people isnt it before you start having kids and getting engaged...you accept your flaws and lay your cards out...I havent asked much of him...just dont watch porn please...and he couldnt do it

@BackseatCookers if you read more of my posts you will know I've had CBT during my realtionship...To be a better me...Now I thought I was in a better place to work on me...stable functioning realtionship...no abuse...it was time for me to put the last puzzle pieces together and get the past GONE for good...And I was feeling the best I've felt...then crash...I find this out and the whole puzzles been smashed to pieces...all the work I'd done to trust him...live myself enough to say yes I'm good enough for him...I deserve a "normal guy" and boom...hes just like the rest

I really have read all your posts and tried to offer practical advice throughout but the thread was resurrected after a month so I didn't re read everything. I don't seem to be able to say anything that you take on board and say yes that's something to work on, you sort of have an answer for everything that's either "yes well I know that but..." or that people don't understand or they haven't read properly.

You've said you won't leave him.
You've said you already had a diagnosis and worked on yourself and felt more stable.

But the reality is that if that therapy has been solid enough then you wouldn't be thrown into spiralling by what's happened - you would be upset, angry and decide whether to work on the relationship or leave, not exist in this awful purgatory between the two.

You are unwilling to make practical changes and decisions and I seem to annoy you by suggesting them so I'm giving up I think at this point.

I hope you can find a therapist who can help you build your boundaries and then act on them. I don't think this relationship is one where you can be healthy and happy. That's sad for you and also for your children.

I asked but you didn't respond - do you want this to be the blueprint for relationship modelling that you show your children? You've said outright you know you won't leave. It sounds like that won't change no matter how toxic a relationship this is, which it is already. That isn't fair on them.

Please see your GP. Show them your message on here if it's easier than talking about it.

I keep getting adult dating emails into my spam, never looked at porn, no explanation.

You should seek help for your own sake but Al's for your children and partner.

@BackseatCookers I really am taking in what your saying I know it seems I have/want an answer or an excuse for everything...I just always do feel like theres something else to something...its shit part of me...I really do want help...I really do want change and to be mentally healthy...I will be getting help...I really will

At the beginning of a relationship its easy to walk if boundaries have been broken. Not so straightforward with kids and a life together. This happened to me almost identical scenario many years ago. I had a choice either end the relationship or pick apart why exactly porn was such a threat to me. I chose the latter.
I felt that my partners use of porn reflected on me. In that If I was enough then he wouldn't need it. Ultimately I had failed if my partner needed to use this. In my mind only sleazy filthy people used porn who couldn't possibly love their partner.
Speaking to both male and female friends who watched it really helped. They all agreed that the faces were basically a blur and it was something similar to scratching an itch then forgetting about it. It was nothing to do with the size shape or looks of other person at all. Totally meaningless.
He lied to you about cannabis and porn however unless hes a cannabis addict or porn addict I still don't think this warrants the attention it is getting.
He clearly loves you. Admires you. Wants to be with you. He supports you is a good man from what you say.
I have been married for 30years and trust me there is much worse a marriage can come up against.
Concentrate on you. Build yourself up physically and mentally then the actions of others won't have such a detrimental impact on you. Lastly keep communicating, and mentally stop yourself if a thought begins to lead you down a rabbit hole

This thread is an exhausting read. I don't think any of us are in a position to help the OP.

I'm sorry but I feel incredibly sorry for your partner. I'm not going to pretend otherwise just because you're a woman. If this were a man posting you'd have been labelled abusive.

It's really not on.

My exh was a secret porn addict. He hardly ever wanted sex with me and when we did have sex it was awful

This sounds absolutely nothing like OPs partner. She's already said they have a good sex life for one. A guy watching a bit of porn every now and then, which is the impression I get from OPs DP, is not a porn addict.

It makes me wonder why he lied to you to be honest. If I felt my DH would react like this, I'd probably have lied as well just so I didn't have to deal with this complete over reaction and abusive behaviour.

Thankyou so much @Bettysnow your kind understanding words really help and I've done the same spoke to freinds and family and they know my partner so know his intentions are not bad.But they also know me and how much of an offense I would take it and how personal...Porn is so normalised today..But being in a previous abusive relationship I never had a normal young life from 16 to 21 I was not even allowed to wear make up.I couldnt give eye contact in sex.I couldnt be in a shop and pay for items if the cashier was Male.So watching porn would have been absoloutely terrifying to even THINK of and I've kind of stayed that way.I get uncomfortable when sex scenes come on t.v.I find comfort and safety in intimacy being very 1 on 1 and all about eachother...Whereas hes watched it since he was 13.To him its mild.I see it as massive and seedy and a dark world I dont know about and I'd be some kind of sex pervert to watch others being intimate.I was physically shaking when I went on pornhub all these feelings were there...disgust jealousy intrigued but for him he said it isnt some big rush and excitement and seeing all these new women because hes bored of me...He would just find it hard to masturbate without that visual stimulation...And oh my god do I want to beleive him...I think if I cam settle myself on porn as a whole the issue we have to fix is me learning to cut him some slack...So he can be more honest with me even if he knows its something that might frighten me or make me uncomfortable...And I need to learn to trust him...and also build my self esteem...I think these issues can be fixed...As what we have has been so amazing.We party together.We have family days.Socialise with freinds...our familys love us together.Our kids are great and we parent well together.We have got our first house...Everything seems to be just taking off...I dont want this to end us

You say this:

As what we have has been so amazing.We party together.We have family days.Socialise with freinds...our familys love us together.Our kids are great and we parent well together.We have got our first house...Everything seems to be just taking off...

But over the last few days have said the below. You’re kidding yourself. You’ve put him and the relationship in general on a pedestal and it hasn’t lived up to it in reality. You need serious help to see you are not in a happy relationship and that is due to a pattern of lies, catastrophising, arguing, incompatible boundaries and not acting on dealbreakers.

You are not in a relationship that can become healthy. You 'shouted' in capitals at people who said what he did wasn't that bad, because you know it is. Don’t kid yourself by forgetting the below.

Over these years a few lies have came out...He was smoking weed & cigarettes and lying to me about it (he pretended he was quitting to me for health/money/good example for the kids ect) this broke my heart.We got over it though.

But...it happened time and time again.He would smell of smoke.Id find texts on his phone to mates about bringing a joint for the walk to work ect...And ive struggled to trust him since.

This has happened lots.The pop ups.Deleted internet history.Glued to his phone/headphones.Takes it to the toilet/bath.

After I have asked for his honesty when pop ups and spams have came to his phone...he denied it and swore on our childrens lives he hasnt watched porn...he has also at times neglected me and been distant sexually so kow I am questioning everything and what 6 years of a hidden porn habit means for my life...

It's not a suspicion anymore because hes admitted it...6 years of lying about it toe

HE HAS ADMITTED WATCHING PORN BEHIND MY BACK THE WHOLE TIME...After deniying pop ups and emails

@BackseatCookers I hear you I really do...But all of the negative thought I'm having are now because of the porn...the smoking and weed wasnt a big deal it was the lie that then triggered and worried what lies he may do in future that WOULD matter...which for me is other women in any way shape or form...That's why now I'm looking back at everything that was to me perfect happy everything I wanted and think what the fuck...its all lies...hes this seedy liar...hes never loved me...You should know from having bipolar how your thoughts can go from one extreme to another...And when I rationalise I did believe and feel this is right and can be fixed but the negative anxious person inside pushes through and tells me the opposite which is why I ask here for honesty and hopefully reassurance