Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

Backseat cookers...I have agreed that I'm being crazy irrational and I am not using my past as a get out of jail free card...I'm simply being honest as to where my instability stems from...So nobody questions "why do you think you feel this way" I've had therapy and its clear my past has left me very insecure and untrusting of people and men...I have been at my healthiest since being with my partner...I spent 3 years on my own.Working.Learning to drive.Buying my 1st passport having a holiday with freinds...And becoming "free & independent" yes i still carried my demons...but never felt suicidal or to the extreme I'm feeling now...my partner and i have deep meaningful talks about both our pasts/present and future...I support him in every aspect of his life.I arrange suprise partys for him on birthdays & invite all his freinds and family...I book holidays for us.Plan family days...date nights...We are affectionate...we laugh...Yes I get the odd day where I will be down...THE ODD DAY...Usually around my period and il have a whinge..."Am I fat" "I feel awful today my skin is disgusting" "Nothing fits me" "I hate my hair" "bet you dont even fancy me" "bet you've had much prettier girls that me" ect yes it's wrong and insecure but it's rare and he laughs it off gives me a cuddle and it's done.(I understand maybe deep down he sees it as more than I know I'm letting on)...its not prolonged or deep and dark...manipulating/control...He goes out freely...his freinds come here for boys nights...he speaks to girls always from me and in front of me and nothing gets said by me...I paid for his driving lessons for his birthday so he had more freedom...I want nothing more than him to have the best quality of life.Healthy happy normality for us all.I was never allowed out alone.Not allowed to wear make up.Not allowed to drive work or have a bank card.Accused of everything and anything hit spat at threatend...petrol put through my letter box...My windows smashed.I know abuse and control and I do not abuse my partner I adore him ...Never ever have i been unstable in this realtionship...He knows my past so maybe that's what made him lie about the woman at work...And the porn...and yes NOW I'm being unwell...NOW he prob thinks shit...this is too much...I havent been this way before...I had post natal depression and psychosis with our first baby...and it was surrounding my childs health...I had delusions he was disabled/blind/deaf/heart problems...you name it...And I got help...CBT and I got through it...That's the only severe episode he has seen...This has triggered me...And I accept I need help...but him lying has triggered me...And I cant trust his word now...And I'm just asking for outside reassurance that yes...this is me...Not him.Id rather it be me...than my reality that he doesnt want me anymore

He denied he watches porn though...when I saw the emails I said it MUST be because you watch porn and he said no...I knew I aasnt wrong and that's why I didnt drop it...Now hes admitted he watches porn but the emails arent to do with what he watches or searches...he doesnt search web cams...or dating sites...or hook ups...its just spam...

Yes, it is your mental health, as a result of the awful, wicked, horrible things that your ex did to in the past that is causing this, not him.

Please make the calls. Make appointments.

It will be OK. You will be OK. You've come through far, far, worse than this - you are still here, you have wonderful children, you are not the person that your ex told you that you were and tried to make you be.

MitziK thankyou...That has uplifted me when I feel so hopeless x

Cantthinkofanameeee

Don’t be too hard on yourself, I think this lockdown is making lots of people feel panicked and anxious and triggered. The weird atmosphere might be contributing to your anxiety.
Take that into account.

As others have said, porn spam is usual. I get it. He probably had no idea it was there in his spam, people don't usually look at spam folders. Don't worry about the emails, but do get some support with mental health. I know how awful it is when you feel like this xxxx

Specially if you were made to stay at home in your previous abusive relationship.

What you’ve seen is spam email and what he’s been is a lovely, warm, caring, normal (ie not perfect) human being. Hold tight OP, you and he will get through this. You MUST contact the GP immediately. Wishing you all the love and luck in the world

I'm sorry if my post came across more accusatory than I intended. I didn't mean you are doing any of those things consciously at all, just that when you're spiralling (and as I mentioned I've been there) there gets to a point where the intrusive thoughts can have a deep effect on those around you and that it sounds like your husband is very supportive generally, so if you can get professional help now then you can come out the other side of this. Sorry again that I upset you I probably phrased it clumsily. I've been a victim of abuse too and the scars last so long, I honestly do understand that. I really hope you can make some calls today and as I said we are all here for you too x

Also, I know what it is like when your fella holds back information out of worry about your mental health. I have had this. It annoys me but I do understand. They are constantly trying to maintain you and keep you lifted, considering the impact of what they say and do. So I don't think keeping certain things from you means anything bad. Most guys seem to deny they watch porn--I always just assume they do. My fella plays these online games and on the side of the screen there are porn adverts!

I get these emails op, and I’ve never in my life watched porn. You urgently need to seek help to manage your mental health, in the nicest possible way you are not ok and are making life very difficult for your partner. He cannot help the spam he gets, he is allowed to work with female colleagues and while often I think not mentioning it is a bit suspicious in this case it is very obvious he didn’t dare mention it because of your mental health. Please as a step 1 stop asking him any more questions or mentioning any of it, it’s not reasonable that he put up with this. I hope you can improve things.

Thankyou so much everyone...I really do agree and understand what I'm doing and how wrong I am...I dont know how to stop...And yes being locked inside is suffocating me...How shall I go forward now?...I will continue to get councilling...but regarding the new knowledge that hes used porn?...How can I look at him the same...I'm so so jealous now :( I feel like I dont want him to see me naked and that hes had some seedy life behind my back...I feel so distant now...I just want my relationship back.I wont accept porn use...I cant...and he is agreeing that boundaries are ok and he accepts the no porn FOR REAL this time...But how can I forget his lies and trust him now...How will I compare to porn now...how do I know what hes looked at?...I cant compete with that.I wont be enough now.

This has been a trigger for you.
You can have all the therapy in the world and you will still get triggers after what you've been through in your past.
You've recognised that and you're dealing with it. The adult in you is rationlising why this is happening because you know why.
But the scared person in you from before needs a handheld right now and is scared of it all falling apart.
Your partner sounds wonderful but he is human. It does sound like spam but the one lie of omiting he watches porn (so not to hurt you) occasionally has triggered this
spiral in you what to believe because he's not your ex, he's wonderful ,and it's making you doubt.
You'll be ok. It will get better because you've done it before. You know how to access support and you can do it.

Him watching the porn is absolutely no reflection on you. He won't be comparing you at all. He'll have watched this porn then completely forgotten about the women in it I promise you.

So sorry for what you've been through op... With regard to the porn - the email invites are spam. When it comes to partners watching porn a lot of women feel very upset and uncomfortable with it. Myself included. I had to learn to let it go otherwise I'd have ended an otherwise stable marriage over it. I don't love it but I've turned a blind eye to it. I got like you and became obsessed with playing detective over what he was looking at. It drove me insane. Porn to men is a vacuous meaningless bit of 'down time' I don't get it. But most men seem to enjoy it. It's a cheap thrill that doesn't equate to being unfaithful. I had to just let it go. I knew if I made me DH promise not to do it he'd likely do it anyway and just become secretive about his Internet history. Setting us both up for a fall. My dhs use is not addictive and not daily. Probably when I work on nights a couple of times a week I can deal with that. If its not children or animals I can't afford to be too bothered about it. But of course everyone has different boundaries and if you're insecure (like I was) it's very hard.

You're a living, breathing woman. The one he loves and has had children with. You can hold him, snuggle up on a cold night, make him laugh, make him his tea, cuddle his children, pay for his driving lessons, listen to his opinions on TV, tell him when he's being daft, share a lifetime with him - how can an image on a computer screen ever compete with that?

Ive had men tell me they feel repulsed by the images they have been watching as soon as they’ve ejaculated. Porn is often just stress relief and desperation.
It’s not glamorous, it’s seedy. Men often have a pretty poor opinion of the women in it.

There is tasteful arty aesthetic porn but the stuff on porn hub is not that.

It doesn’t reflect on his relationship with you.

It's nice to see some sensible opinions on your DH porn browsing here. Too often you get the feminists out with the 'I'd never put up with DH watching porn. It's a leaving offence' when truthfully most men (yes sorry but it is most men) so Jack off to porn from time to time. It doesn't have to spell the end of an otherwise very supportive marriage

Thankyou @Aerial2020 for seeing some sense and hope in me...I can rationalise when I'm not in my deep spiral...And I really will work at this and try to be better @limpbizkit I know I cant accept porn...for ME it's just too risky for my mental health...I cant risk falling this low...and I like to think porn means so little to him it's not a big thing to stop...I'm not asking anything of him in life.Like I say I help to make him live his best fullest happiest life...But porn...no.I cant...It hurts.It opens old wounds of not feeling enough...it makes me obsess...And it makes me feel unattractive...As weird or unfair as that may seem.Porn shouldn't be a struggle to give up?...He agrees and is apparently whole heartedly going to stop...and says he will do it with ease.He uses it SO rarely and its Barry basic man and woman ect (I know hes prob playing that down and how will I ever know any different.) But again that's a trigger for my ocd and makes me want to dig & hound and hurt myself knowing what he likes that isnt me hes more than happy to give it up & says it's a weight of his shoulders that i know so we can have a fresh start.And he only realised how seriously I would be offended when I broke down and became so paranoid over the lying about the girl at work and he stopped watching it at all.But then again as you all say he must of thought I was unstable to lie about the girl in the first place...so it's all just very muddled in my head...I just want to be better and move on and not allow my past to ruin my future.Im just so scared of this falling appart...

Also sometimes when I've got a rare day to myself I tell my DH I've been cleaning and batch cooking all day when actually half of it I've been binge watching a series I said I'd wait for him to watch with me and putting my feet up with a family sized bag of onion rings that I also meant to share with him. My guilty secret that doesn't mean I love him any less. He browses gog eyed at porn in a sleepy trance with his hands mindlessly down his pants in sure whilst I'm on nights. Then gets up feeds and waters the kids and entertains them all day whilst I kip. Then brings me a nice coffee when I wake. Guilty pleasures!

Sorry op just read your update on how you feel about porn. Apologies. The only thing is my dear... If its an absolute no no for you do you understand that by setting this as a rule that he may eventually have a quick browse and just do it on secret browsing mode and you then may become obsessed with playing detective? I fear for you that you now may become obsessed with this...

Can you not concentrate on the good bits about your DH? Also by stipulating he doesn't ever look at porn you do realise your behaviour is bordering on controlling? And please understand that I don't mean that as a dig at you. Its just heading into dodgy dynamics for your marriage. I'd hate to see you push a good man away.

I hear you're scared. You're in a scary place. Everything was going well. Not like you're previous horrible ex, this is a good happy place. And now this is ruining that for you.
You said it's opening old wounds. I understand that.
I can't offer advice as how you feel with the boundary on porn is how you feel.
But I get it and you are strong enough to get support to manage this. It's ok to be scared. But you've come a long way, don't forget that. Look at what you've achieved.
Your ex didn't break you, you've survived it.
Give that scared person the support she needs cos you can do it.

The thing is you are kind of putting all of your MH issues and wellbeing onto your DH by demanding he never ever crosses lines that you cannot handle, even when he explains why he did or didn’t do something you still are looking for ways that he is lying to you. The pressure on him is huge, and on you too.

I understand why you can’t handle it and that it’s ok to have a boundary but ultimately he can’t fix your feelings by changing all of his behaviour and tiptoeing around all of your anxieties if you then keep on and on looking for more problems and ‘lies’

He has to choose to stop looking at porn of his own accord because if he does, then he may be jeopardising his relationship and you will leave him. You are trying to control him into being the safest person you can trust who will never hurt you - life isn’t like that, people can and do hurt us either accidentally or sometimes on purpose. You need to work on yourself and stop trying to work on him

@limpbizkit so what do I do??...He was using secret mode before...I have told him all along NO...do not watch porn...I cant accept it...And he has...that's why I'm so broken...If everyone is right and he lies because of my unstable mental health...why did he watch it knowing that...and how can I trust he wont do it anymore..was the temptation THAT severe??...In my crazy head.
.yes it clearly was TOO tempting and he basically chose to risk us...for what?...What does porn have that's so irresistible...I do feel obsessed...I'm tempted to go on porn myself to see what they do?...But I know it will break me and maybe push me over the edge...