And when I rationalise I did believe and feel this is right and can be fixed but the negative anxious person inside pushes through and tells me the opposite which is why I ask here for honesty and hopefully reassurance
This relationship rationally cannot be fixed.
Some of the anxious, negative feelings you speak of of you are your gut knowing that you are in an unhappy relationship but not wanting to end it.
Some of them are caused by being with someone who has lied to you consistently and convincingly.
You've had honesty.
You say you also hoped for reassurance. Well that hasn't happened because people wouldn't be being honest if they said this relationship was healthy.
Feel reassured people believe you can stop feeling this way and can get healthy. You just can't do it in this relationship.
Yes I know from bipolar about spiralling etc - of course I do, which is why I have worked hard in therapy, tried meds until the right ones worked for my bipolar and my epilepsy which is pretty shitty, let relationships that were unhealthy even though it was very sad and sacrificed a lot to focus on my mental health and get to a place where I am happy and in a healthy, fun, secure and loving relationship.
I am not saying it's easy. I didn't want to say all this because it's not a race to the bottom but I don't think it's coming across how close to this stuff I am, I'm not just speaking from some ivory tower.
I started life in foster care and have had a pretty shitty hand since. Full of trauma, full of upset, full of abuse in childhood and adult life. Bipolar. Anxiety. ADHD. And now following a huge car crash, metalwork galore and epilepsy.
Trust me, I do understand. And I know that you cannot realistically work on getting healthy and mentally stable while still in a relationship which has caused and is continuing to cause some of that trauma.
You're prolonging your own agony, worsening your mental health and modelling terrible relationship dynamics to your children.
I hope you can get support from professionals to stop this.