Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

Ah, I suspected EUPD.

You need proper therapy, not counselling. You need to speak to your GP about a referral to secondary MH services and be honest about everything when you speak to the GP.

This isn't going to go away on its own. You need help.

You've had postnatal psychosis once before.

You are at very high risk for having it again - especially when you aren't telling them how unwell you are and have been for months.

They won't take your children away. They didn't first time round. They won't this time. You engaged with them, you got better.

You NEED to call your doctor now. You've got intrusive thoughts, you have suicidal ideation, you aren't eating, you're talking about self harm, you're using your exes' words to describe your DP and yourself.

You NEED to call your doctor now. And keep calling until you get a response.

Your children deserve a Mum who is well and happy. Your partner deserves the woman he loves to be well and happy.

You're worth it. You deserve to be well and happy.

Call.

My love you are spiralling even on this thread.

You say you're open to anything to be able to live a normal life.

Yet you have reasons you won't call the GP.

They will not take away your children, because you'll be asking for help and saying you want that help so you can be healthy and well for the children.

You don't even nearly reach the threshold for social workers to be concerned about you - at the moment.

So before you spiral further seek help and take whatever help is offered because this has gone too far for you and your husband to deal with without intervention.

You are doubling down and being defensive because you're scared and feel out of control. So make the call to your GP and be honest with them. Or if that feels too difficult write down your thoughts including the suicidal ones and email saying you need some urgent support.

I am having my therapy on Skype at the moment as well as calls with my GP to monitor my bipolar medication.

Please, make the call and this could be the first day of a new life and you will look back on it and be proud of yourself for making a change.

Ok everyone.Thankyou.Im calling them now.This needs to end

You are confusing your feelings with reality. You really need some help x

Well done OP, it's great you are making a change for the positive and being proactive. Many of us have been through abusive relationships and the painful aftermath so if you need support at the next step or feel wobbly after your call then please let us know how you got on x

Oh op. He sounds like a lovely bloke. Spam happens. Porn is an individual thing, I have no problem with a partner watching it as long as it's not weird stuff! I watch some myself. It's no reflection on you or him at all, or how he feels about you. Most normal people can distinguish between porn and real life and if it's in moderation it doesn't have to even be mentioned or affect your real life.

Talk to people, go to the doctor. Keep going as you were before, it sounded like the right track.

You can't be "everything" to him, and your need to be everything to him is not healthy, for him or you. You put way too much importance and value on how you look and what you do sexually. Where is your value in yourself? It seems long gone, and it wasn't the porn that caused it. It was clearly already an issue because of your abnormal reaction to finding out he had a female colleague. Also, I suspect your issues with your body are part of this, and getting a boob job because you had just had a baby, so you think that because your boobs have implants that this gives him no excuse for watching porn, again putting waaaay too much stock in yourself as some sort of sex object. This isn't healthy. It's going to drive him away.

You need urgent therapy.

I'm another saying these porn sites and emails are just phishing for customers - the fact that you have entered his email address into them all and they are either void websites or they ask you to sign up, means he hasn't already signed up - and this is good. It means he hasnt lied to you and he isn't meeting up with these people from these emails/sites.

I hope you manage to get an urgent GP appt op, good luck xx

@ilikepepper

OP knows that she needs help and is trying to get it. Most posters including myself have pointed out she is being abusive and this is damaging and needs to stop.

But she isn't a criminal and doesn't need you claiming something factually incorrect when already in a poor state of MH.

This is a hard situation for you, but think you are focusing on the wrong bits regarding the porn.
I watch porn sometimes. Doesn't mean I'm not satisfied in my sex life, or dont love my partner, or my sex life is missing something. Quite the opposite in fact. A partner looking at porn is no judgement or connection to you. It's a release of stress/a visual aid for them. It's something that is used for a pureley selfish purpose as you dont need to worry if the other person is enjoying it, if they come first, if you dont last as long, did they like that thing I just did, it's not a performance ,its just about you coming as quick as you can.... it is the exact opposite of a loving relationship where your pleasure is tied up on your partner also having a great time.

It takes nothing away from the fact your partner obviously loves you, is supportive, has chosen to live his life with you, have kids with you, and wants to have sex with you and cares about your pleasure as much as his own.

Yes he told a white lie about watching porn occasionally, loads of people do. Some because they are embarrassed, some because they are worried about their partners reactions, and some because it's simply no ones business. And I think most people in a relationship would say that they have either looked or fantasised about a situation or a celeb . It doesn't mean anything in the real world.
I understand that you are hurting and confused, but this is your issue that you need help with. You have someone who loves you, dont let your mental health destroy that

@Ilikepepper that comment is disgusting...you havent read all my post...You dont understand how this relationship has been for nearly 6 years...This is 6 months since our baby was born that things have got dark...I would do anything for this man...I push him to succeed.. I praise him...We enjoy life...I dont put him down.I dont stop him seeing freinds or family...I dont accuse him of cheating I dont hit him or choose his clothes...HE IS FREE...he is cherished...He is happy...I asked one thing and that was dont use porn.And he lied...Yes the 2 incidents that have happened recently have sent me down a spiral with my mental health...That's 6 months out of 6 years!!His mum actually adores me and knows how happy he is...and YES she knows what I've been through and how important he is to me.Thats all I'm guilty of...Being too happy...that I'm too lucky to have him...and being scared when a small lie comes out because my mind doesnt work like normal peoples and it puts me into flight mode and I obsess over the danger that could lie ahead...And I'm willing to work on that for him and me and our family.I am not an abuser.

HE HAS WORKED WITH WOMAN AND WORKED IN WOMENS HOUSES MANY TIMES AND TOLD ME!!!!AND I DID NOT HAVE A PROBLEM...HE SPEAKS TO FEMALE FREINDS...GOES ON NIGHTS OUT WITH HIS BEST MATE AND SISTER!!!HE CAN HAVE FEMALE FREINDS

OP, I'm sorry for how you are feeling, I really am and I appreciate that you've acknowledged that you need some help with your issues but you are very fixated on "a lie is a lie" - you have made it very very difficult, it not impossible for him to be honest with you.

Shut down your laptop and make the call.

You need this.

You have called him scared more than once. He's not allowed to work with a woman without walking on eggshells. You posted about that awhile a go too. I'm finding this thread very distressing so will not read it. There is no excuse for your behaviour towards him.

My dear, with all due respect to you - at the moment your attitude towards your DH is emotionally abusive. Your not feeling in the mentally healthiest place. You recognise that. Please take your pride out of the situation and get yourself the support you deserve. Once I felt similar to you. Things like porn and talking to other women sent me in jealous rages. Small minor things had me paranoid. I went on anti depressants. Stopped drinking alcohol altogether (had support with that) now my world is a different place. I'm calm (quite serenenly so!) and think 'whatever' about porn so long as I'm not being pressured in to doing weird stuff. And actually if a man is going to cheat they're going to cheat. I'm dammed if I'm going to waste my time playing detective all of my life. Nowt I can do to stop it. I had to let go of control (admittedly 12 step therapy helped with that). I'm such a zen person now. But believe you me I wasn't. My past behaviour in relationships could definitely qualify as emotionally abusive (and I've been emotionally abused myself) we can be victims and perpetrators alike. I'm so grateful I got myself out of where I was. You can too. You've truly got a good man there. This is about you. You're projecting on to him. I really pray you get the help to start living again. This isn't living my lovely. You exist in your self orchestrated hell. You don't have to

Stop this is not helping anyone
It’s inflaming the situation which is already bad enough for her DH and her own mental stability

OP is confused and overwhelmed by everything thrown at her and her own very muddled and extremely negative irrational thoughts. She does not sound well.
They have a basis in reality but they are extreme and inflaming this will not help anyone. The time for blame and finger pointing should come when people are well enough to see things in reality

Ignore the nasty posts

My spam folder is FULL of crap like that. Yahoo automatically deletes it all (eventually) so I never bother with it. I'm female, not interested in hook ups/webcams with 'girls near you' 'escorts' 'lusty Linda' or any of the rest of it. Doesn't stop the shit being sent to my email account.

Don't ruin your relationship over all of that crap

Him lying to you about working with a woman is potentially a bit worrying. An ex was dreadful for it. He was such a people pleaser he would lie to keep everyone happy...except obviously you can't always keep everyone happy and someone would be let down/hurt. He needs we learned his lesson and found lying easier & easier. We had discussions & then arguments about it. Finally it landed him in the deep shit & I left.

Only you know if he will stop lying 'to protect your feelings' (save his ears/hide).

I hope you can get some help, but don't minimise him lying🌷

@limpbizkit thankyou for your honesty and showing me theres a light at the end of this tunnel...I phoned the g.p and they have referred me back to a psychiatrist...asked if my beta blockers were working...I said no...They looked at all the stuff I've been on in the past...and said ok well il send the referral now but cant give you a time frame and il call you next Monday...

I don't watch porn. Yet my junk email is spammed with porn links almost every day. Please, please let go of this.

And yes, see your GP urgently. For your sake and your family's.

Oops, sorry, didn't see there was a page 2. I'm glad you've been in touch with your doctor.