Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

@namechange5671 thankyou for your honest and lovely reply...I came on here for outside reassurance that porn "means notjing" because of his lies I just dont trust his reassurance anymore...so thought maybe if the rest of the world and people with no agenda to soothe me said the same...I could maybe accept it and love on...I just worry that him lying for nearly 6 years about using porn means something bad for us sexually...theres a lot of graphic stuff ive seen on pornhub and he hasnt wanted to do any of it with me...even basics like toys...so now when I look back on our relationship...I question everything and yes my mental health problems have added to it all 10 fold.I just want a way put the hell....The spam emails were just what triggered the questioning about porn and led to him admitted after lying all these years that he has indeed used porn behind my back.And it just really hurts.

@RonSwansonIsBuff I understand and agree it's living hell...if he wanted to watch porn he should of not got involved with me because I told him it was a deal breaker for me...I see it as cheating...weather that's wrong or right it's how I feel...and he knew this...You dont just say "ok I agree with you I'm fine with no porn" have 2 babies with someone lie the whole time and just watch porn anyway...now I feel we have too much to walk away from so the decision is torture...He doesnt want it to end...but then I just say why did you risk it then?

To be honest, you need to leave him

Personally I think it's the other way around.

I know it's frowned upon on here but if the sexes were reversed, we wouldn't have a 9 page thread if support for what is basically abuse of a partner. A man would have been hung drawn and quartered.

There are kids in the middle of this. Watching their mother go from one crisis to another.

OP, it's time to end this relationship and maybe just focus on yourself for a while.

I get loads of porn spam as well. Apparently I'm a man who wants busty ladies and I don't do porn sites like ever.

Well I hope you sort something out OP for both of your sakes. I really do hope you get some help for your insecurities though because they are very evident from reading your posts. No he shouldn't have lied but I do think your response to the porn and your behaviour previously has been completely over the top considering what's actually happened, although I understand how this can happen when there are other issues at play.

Perhaps I just don't understand as I really can't understand why it's such a massive deal that someone occasionally watches porn.

I do have to agree @gamerchick

OP, honest question: why is it a bad thing for him not to tell you he’s working with a woman?

From your posts here, it’s clear you are struggling and need treatment. Please seek this before making any rash decisions about your partner, who sounds pretty decent from everything you’ve said.

@Cantthinkofanameeee I really don't agree with people telling you to leave him... this man has stuck by your side through thick and thin and in the kindest way possible, this must be SO hard for him!! I suffered with depression and anxiety for a short period and it really really ground on my partner - I was lucky he stayed and supported me because honestly I was a train wreck at times that didn't deserve him!! He should have left me in hindsight! We are lucky we have partners that support us and stick around despite our crazy beings at times.

I get the porn thing - I hate it. Do I accept that my partner watches from time to time and do I accept that most men out there will? 100%

Do I count myself lucky that I'm not with a porn addict or someone that likes 'tame porn' and not the horrible stuff you said you've seen - yes again! Try to look past this where you can, I really don't think it's that bad. He lied yes totally wrong. But his intentions behind lying were to protect you.

I really don't agree with people telling you to leave him

To be honest I'm saying it more for the partners benefit. I have sympathy for OPs struggles but this must be absolutely horrid for her partner.

If DH was being like this with me I'd be so fed up and yes I may end up leaving him. It's controlling and abusive even if OP doesn't intend it to be that way.

I don’t think you should be asking him about porn because he’s a grown man, needs his own privacy and should be able to watch it if he wants. Unless your sex life is being affected then I don’t see the problem, you said you have great sex. Most men who are addicted, neglect their sex life. Men like looking at other women, it means nothing to them. It wouldn’t be affecting you so much if you had some self esteem and self worth. You can’t depend on him for all of your happiness. Please try and build up your confidence, Men find confidence really attractive. Whatever you do, don’t degrade yourself by asking him about porn anymore. Definitely see a counsellor xx

Hi OP,

Hope you're doing okay.

I also receive those spam emails. They're definitely nothing - they're not real sites. You can check if your husband's email was basically sold/stolen for this stuff by searching "pwned" and you can check. Basically my email, my DPs etc has been hacked from very legit websites (such as a teachers website!)

In regards to porn pop ups, I also get those. Do my head in. But only on websites such as to watch American TV and stream - they're frequent. I don't on normal websites such as shopping etc. But that is how targeted ads work.

In regards to porn, I think there's the very obvious thing. You are telling him not to watch porn, but he obviously doesn't think it is a big deal and like a child is saving your feelings to continue to enjoy it, and why shouldn't he? Most people do!

If you're not okay with something, a man will lie. That's what it is. So, unless you absolutely cannot work on this (I genuinely think you'll struggle to find a decent guy who doesn't watch porn to be honest... the stat is that 98% of men ADMITTED to it)

I would say you obviously need help. But you have a loving, caring, and gentle man who has respected you in every other way. His lies are completely understandable - it's easier to lie!

My advice would be not to lose him if you love him.

I would say how about being transparent with porn use - tell me when you use it / don't ever delete history.

Honestly OP,
Not sure if anyone has said similar as I haven’t RTFT but I get emails from shagnet and websites with similar names. I have NEVER watched porn or looked up any erotica etc I have no idea where they’re from but just delete

Sorry you feel this way, but to echo other posters, you do need to seek urgent medical attention as you shouldn't be suffering like this.

The truth is, nearly all men (actually all men) continue to wank throughout their lives, even if they're with a partner that they are sexually satisfied by. Some choose to do it to porn, whereas others don't. The end effect is the same.

I know that this isn't the answer you want, but from what you've said about your partner, he sounds like a nice guy. If he was just wanking to porn and ignoring you, that would be another thing - but he's not.

I think you've lost perspective a bit on this. I really hope you start to feel better about things soon

Thankyou @namechange5671 I know I sound like an utter CUNT I really really do...But most of my venting is HERE...I'm trying so hard to accept it was nothing.And means nothing but yes my mental health issue make me want to dig deeper.I want to have been in his brain to know IT MEANT NOTHING...I want to be the easy going confident girlfreind that can be ok knowing he watched porn believe me I do.I just feel very shocked out of control...I have been referred for AAC councilling but it's a long wait...But I am making steps to mend this...We having been living like this until after I had my last baby...I have become very worried he will leave me.And his lies just make me see some massive thunder storm on the horizon.Im scared to loose him.And I dont really know how to navigate my way through this as I see everything so black and white..."You fancy other women.You watch them do things that you dont ask me to do.You dont involve me.Its a seedy secret you have had behind my back the whole time.Do you even love me?Why wasnt I enough" over and over I feel this way...But I'm trying to mend it...We have had open talks.He wants this to work and he thinks this is the first problem weve encountered (My insecurity and over reactions to his small lies) And he thinks it's not worth kicking a stink up over and we had a great life before all this crap and worry about other women came about...I just want to move on so badly...get my self esteem up...To the point where even if he did do the unthinkable and leave/cheat or whatever...I know I'd be ok.I know I have work to do and I will.

@BustlingThrough I told him from the get go before we had kids I wasnt ok with porn...he agreed and said he is fine not watching it and has now confessed hes done it all along 6 years later...After I have asked for his honesty when pop ups and spams have came to his phone...he denied it and swore on our childrens lives he hasnt watched porn...he has also at times neglected me and been distant sexually so kow I am questioning everything and what 6 years of a hidden porn habit means for my life...YES I'm insecure which is why from the get go...I said I cant handle that in my life...He chose to agree like it was fine...lead me on...have 2 children with me and still use it but lie to my face.I am seeking help because I know this has hit me way harder than it should of

@soph1987 thankyou and all your saying is true...I want to move on from it and as I said above I have said to him how do we go forward now I know this about you...do you want to still watch it?Do you want to watch it together.How would you feel if I watched it?...He just said no.He wants it out his life and hes glad it's off his chest...He wants a clean slate and no porn for either of us.And I just feel now its unhealthy for him to stop and we will be living a lie when hes done it so long he obviously likes it but now faced with my reaction he will never be open and say yes I want to keep doing it.So what do we do...I also feel why should i be ok with porn when I said no from the get go...why after all this pain and worry should I just be like oh ok...crack on...Fair enough masturbating and fantasy go hand in hand...but I dont want him looking at naked women graphic videos...the insides of their bloody vaginas...squirting...Huge dildos...I find it hurtful and it makes me feel sick.Maybe I'm weird but it does...I've been looking at pornhub myself to see if I get some comfort or relief that it's just a simple thing and it does nothing other than make me jealous at what hes been seeing and wonder why hes never wanted me to act any of it out if he enjoys it that much?I feel like sex is not intimate anymore.How will he ever be wowed by me.When he sees girls laid bare in every way...every shape every size...I just cant compete...I get that all men prob do this...but I feel like if I know now from the get go with someone in future it wont break me like this.I wont see them as one person and get a shock that they arent...My exs used to watch porn and talk about it.And it never gutted me...6 years is a long time to believe something about someone and find out another...Yes he will see girls in the street he finds sexy...but will he see her spread open fingering herself?And get to wank over it?No!...I think porn shows things that people in a relationship should not be seeing or enjoying...I found none of the men attractive.I just kept thinking about my own partner watching it and feeling gutted.I dont like porn.He knew this.And now it's happened anyone

@RonSwansonIsBuff no completely get that. But telling someone to leave their partner (even if it is for the partner benefit) especially someone who's suffering a mental episode and has a very supportive partner, isn't helpful. If HE wanted to leave, he can.

OP - you've recognised you need help and that is AMAZING!! I'm sure you can work through this and you are totally right for coming and ranting here and trying to save it for other means rather than letting rip on your partner - keep coming here to let it all out.

You will get the help you need and you will get better. These thoughts can change. I think it's really important to keep your partner involved as much as you can so he is able to fully understand your anxieties and that is IS anxiety, not YOU.

Stay strong. You've got this.

I disagree strongly @namechange5671 actually.

If a woman came on here and said her husband was behaving in this way I would advise her to leave him.

Mental break down or not, this is not an acceptable way to treat your partner. It is controlling and I'd go so far as to say abusive.

And I'm fully aware OP is not being so intentionally by the way.

But I've lived with someone with issues like this and it's so fucking hard. I get OP is suffering but it doesn't mean treating her partner like this can be excused and he shouldn't leave.

I agree 100% with gamerchick. I also think that you need to stop justifying your shit behaviour.

Personally, in these situations I think that it's important that the mental well being of both parties is considered. That's not to suggest any particular course of action but although I'm fortunate not to have had to live with any particularly bad mental health over the years apart from the occasional anxiety (which is probably more common than any of us appreciate), I think that the person who supports the person with mental health issues can sometimes be overlooked. Supporting someone with mental health issues can in of itself be a stress for the supporting partner too.

OP, your partner is a liar. He felt entitled to disregard and repeatedly lie about two mutually agreed upon boundaries: porn and smoking weed/cigarettes.

When your relationship began, you were clear that porn was a dealbreaker. He reassured you that he was fine with that parameter, but he was lying. When popups appeared through the years, he swore on the children’s lives that he wasn’t using porn. He was lying. He has been porning for the whole 6 years of your relationship.

Honesty is not a priority for this man. I wonder what else he has lied about and what he will lie about in the future.

What are your actual dealbreakers, OP?

OP, I would be worried that focusing so much on something which realistically shouldn't be a huge issue will ultimately result in him leaving. Yes he said he didn't watch porn and he lied however his lies I agree with a previous poster were to protect you from hurt.
Porn to men is meaningless. It serves a quick purpose with no more thought given to it. You appear to think that he admires and connects in some way with these women which ultimately threatens you. He doesn't give them a second thought of that I am sure. They are images and forgotten in a heartbeat.
He sounds a decent good man who is clearly trying hard to support you and it would be wrong to end your marriage because of this when you clearly love each other.
Lastly he doesn't want to watch porn with you and tells you he won't watch it again as he knows how against it you are. Imagine how uncomfortable he would feel knowing how this affects you. Again he's trying not to hurt you which frankly is a sign of a good man.
None of us are perfect and rarely is anyone completely honest. There are white lies to protect someone else or the whopping nasty ones used to protect oneself.
You only have to read some of the threads on here to realize that you are very fortunate in many ways.
I hope you can stop focusing on this and accept that its actually quite a small problem to have in what essentially seems like a great marriage.

I'm sorry but if this was the other way around and OP was a man, then OP's behaviour would be considered highly abusive by every single poster on the thread. "Get your ducks in a row" would be mentioned, as would Women's Aid.

However, as OP is a woman, she is simply considered unwell.

@BackseatCookers what meds do you use please ?