Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

@AmelieTaylor thankyoi so much for your reply...I am going to over come this...I'm not a bad person...I'm really not...and I know right from wrong...I won't continue this way

Please stop and take and breath, try to think of the facts you have a very loving man who cares about you deeply, you have now been told by numerous people this is spam and shows up on most people's emails, he has not gave you any indication that he is the unfaithful type now try to rationalise your feelings based on that and i would advise you to call a doctor to help with your feelings x please focus on the facts and try not to let bad things from the past twist your thoughts x

Your right @Success1986 I'm trying really hard...its still so fresh in my mind...I want the clouds to clear and to see daylight properly...This doenst feel good...or normal...And I want to control it but I cant x

Hi Cantthinkofanameeee,

We're really sorry that you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters here, but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental Health resources as there are many organisations listed which could give you some more support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

As you've mentioned that you've experienced postnatal depression in the past, we thought we'd share a link with an organisation called PANDAS. Their webpage is here and they have a helpline available Monday to Sunday 9am - 8pm - 0808 1961 776.

We also wanted to share a link with an organisation called Mind - they can point you in the direction of the help that's available to you - information and support.

We're really glad to see that you've taken the advice of other Mumsnetters and have already been in touch with your GP.

Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope you're okay.

@Cantthinkofanameeee well done. Fantastic start. Really pleased to hear this. It feels like the end of the world but it's just the beginning. You're going to be so proud of yourself in a years time believe me. Just grab all the help chucked your way. Mind may be helpful? Their services are free and they do phone counselling. This advice may be a bit 'out there' but the 12 steps are a good way of living. Perhaps you could try applying them to some aspects of your life e. G how you feel about your dhs porn use. It's all about letting go of the power and control and letting it go. However I think at the moment just some counselling and antidepressants is a firm base to start with. I was so cynical of anti depressants and resisted them for years but they genuinely did really help de fog my brain and quell my anxiety. I wouldn't say too much to your DH. Just tell him you feel you need some help at the minute and tell him about calling your gp. I bet you any money he'll be so pleased. Just keep the porn stuff out of the conversation for a good while. Your poor head needs work to think straight first then you can figure out how you feel. Keep it simple. I'm not trying to patronise you but I'm speaking as someone who's been there. Right now you think you're thinking straight but when you feel better you'll realise you were feeling off kilter and decisions aren't best made at that time. You'll get there my friend. I know you will

I don’t understand these comments.

You asked if he watched porn. He lied and said he didn’t. He later confessed that he did, despite knowing it was a deal breaker.

Yes, you have issues you need to work on - but him lying to you is not acceptable, nor is the wanking and porn if agreed not to do it.

The spam will just be spam though.

I’m sorry but lying about watching porn is hardly a deal breaker, maybe if the OP wasn’t so jealous and controlling then he wouldn’t have to lie to her.

If this was a women posting about her hubby being this controlling then we would all be telling her to LTB immediately and nobody would say he needs to see a GP like they’re saying about her! It’s one rule for women and another for men on this site I see!

Sorry woman

@Cantthinkofanameeee I’ve never watched porn and I regularly have these sort of emails in my junk folder. I really hope that helps reassure you!

Well done for calling the GP.

If you feel it all spiralling again before that point, you can call them again and tell them the harmful thoughts you are having and that you need help sooner - if need be, you can present to A&E and they should have somebody who specialises in emergency mental health issues. Your GP may also be able to give you a Crisis number to call and the helplines MN have added here will also be great.

It will help. And you will start to feel better again.

Those are spam emails. You need to get help urgently and walk away from him. The way you are treating him is basically abuse

People get emails like these all the time without even being aware of it, as they go straight to spam. They really are nothing to stress over. He has not lied to you. He's not asked for them. They are not something he's signed up to. Spam is spam. You really need to get some urgent help for your mental health.

@crispysausagerolls

I don’t understand these comments.

You asked if he watched porn. He lied and said he didn’t. He later confessed that he did, despite knowing it was a deal breaker.

Yes, you have issues you need to work on - but him lying to you is not acceptable, nor is the wanking and porn if agreed not to do it.

The spam will just be spam though.

I said before that I doubt he even did watch porn tbh.

OP posted that she harassed him night and day to be honest and but I cant drop it as well as Fast forward a month I've not dropped it I think he told her that he did because she wore him down by asking constantly for a MONTH. He knew that she would just constantly ask and not let it go. If he hadn't 'admitted it' then she'd still be harassing him about it.

How many women on here have posted that their abusive DH accused them over and over again of having an affair and they've eventually just admitted to something which didn't happen to try to stop it?

OP’s behaviour is not ok. At all. She’s got something wrong and is seeking treatment.

But lying/Pretending to lie or whatever he did is not helpful for this either!

Well done for phoning the GP.

And thank you for coming back to update us.

Please read carefully what @MitziK said, it’s good advice.

But lying/Pretending to lie or whatever he did is not helpful for this either!

It's not but imagine being harassed constantly for a month. Over and over again. Her DH wouldn't be the first to just be worn down so much that he just says yes in a misguided attempt to stop it.

It sounds to me like the last 6 years appeared amazing because you kept this man on a tight leash and he was good enough to do everything to protect you. That isn’t how it should be though. It was quite frankly only a matter of time before he slipped up. You might be a good wife and a good partner (hence him being so invested in your relationship) but his job isn’t to fix you and constantly reassure you. That is draining over time and sets him up to fail as he’s bound to do something eventually to upset you, even if it was like the work colleague issue where he was trying to protect you. I know you say he should be honest but could he really? Your thoughts and feelings are really irrational at the moment and I’m sure he felt like he had no option but to fib.

Although sometimes things like this may upset you, being able to share this is a sign of being close and having a good relationship.

If you are both great together, why would your husband want to tell you that he enjoys the odd porn session and ruin your relationship? Would you really have preferred him to have been honest and you not have had a family and all these years together? Of course you wouldn’t! Watching porn occasionally doesn’t make him obsessed with it and clearly is no reflection on you not being good enough as you said yourself that your sex life is good. Maybe he just wants to wind down alone occasionally which would be understandable if he has to boost you and look after you so much.

Your ex clearly damaged your confidence. Please don’t do the same with your husband and make a really good man feel that he has done anything wrong. He sounds like a saint compared to a lot of men. Get professional help and don’t stop the therapy again until you are in control of your own happiness. That is not your husbands job!

Big hug x

Don’t worry! I get those emails allll the time! Every single day from a whole range of stuff! I’ve certainly never ever been on any type of website like that! They are just spam :)

He sounds like a really good man OP. And you’re clearly keen to sort out your mental health, and you are self-aware.

I have a feeling that things will be fine in the end.

I get it OP, I do. You thought this guy was your knight in shining armour, and now he has revealed himself to be slightly less than perfect!
Try not to put anyone on a pedestal. It's not healthy for anyone. And we all fuck up sometimes. That's life.

@crispysausagerolls thanks for your comment and that's how I felt...if he knew how fragile I was and how I make something small into a catastrophe why didnt he just tell me from the get go... Thanks again everyone.As a few people have said or misunderstood...when we first met...We obviously had general chats about things/sex/our pasts/exes...And I said I wouldnt accept a boyf watching porn.I like to be very personal and about each other in sex...I couldn't have a 3some or share my partner...that kind of thing...and he said "yeah I agree,I've watched porn when I'm single but I dont see the need in a realtionship" So before he had this "fear and responsibility to protect my mental health" he was at ease to tell he hed watched it...and told me he isnt interested in it when he has a partner...This was early early doors before I even loved him and my mental health had never been bad...Obviously fast forward nearly 6 years and the EMAILS triggered me to become obsessed with the fact he MUST be watching porn or WORSE hes hooking up on dating sites!!Because there was offers to meet people that made me unable to drop it.Hes potentially cheating.I had to try and clear that up.You see it on this forum all the time and THATS made the spiral begin..yes the emails are prob spam...I apreciate that now...but in the process of trying to rest my soul proving that he isnt cheating...it has came out that "ok I've occasionally used porn and I lied because you always told me you was against it...so I knew what I was doing was wrong. I used it because I didnt think it was actually a big deal...just something you werent keen on...when you had the baby and I lied about the girl at work and you broke down and felt so betrayed then I realised how bad you were going to feel about porn...So I couldnt tell you...and yes I knew it was in turn my fault he lied because I'd become so fragile after 1 trigger...I really do accept that...But am I not intitled to be upset at any of this at all?...Really?...I looked on porn hub last night...Teen sucks cock after school...Even PREGNANT women on there...I just cant get the vision out of my head of him enjoying that...I know how mental I sound...But it just makes my heart hurt so bad and my stomach feel sick...And the smartest thing anyone said on here is that I'm just trying to hear the worst...to be out of the unknown...not knowing if hes bored of me...or watching something dodgy or on dating sites...Is worse than just hearing he is so I can leave...I dont want to move on from this & then a few years down the line...I find dating sites...web cams...And think what a fool I was...I was told I was crazy...and now look.

I'm just saying all the mental things I'm thinking on here so I dont push him further away by telling him how much its hurt me...hes being so chilled & just saying it's all ok.Hes done a bit of a naughty and he wont do it anymore its shit anyway...Just old habits.Easy and quick.But not worth making me feel 2nd best too...I have told him I've been on this forum because I'm feeling down & the people on there think I need help...and he laughed...he said he spoke to a work mate and said oh my bird found some spam dating emails so I've had to fess up I watch porn now and then and shes in a right strop with me...I'm in the dog house and his mate said yh my bird found some on my laptop a few weeks ago...And she was kicking off badly...mostly because the girl didnt look anything like her...Its just women mate she will get over it...I'm just so confused...reading all the reactions on here about being an abuser and seriously ill...then my partner being so chill and not seeming in anyway concerned about him/me or us...I just dont know what's going on...I know how I FEEL is wrong...I know what I'm saying on here is unhealthy...and I know deep inside I'm damaged to be feeling this insecure...But am I really an abuser...Or the cause of all of this when I've never ever said these thoughts out loud to him...Yes after the emails came through I kept nagging him...not everyday!!The odd text at work...the odd roll over and strop at night to get attention and let out my worrys that the emails hold some truth...A few days of nothing and then yes I'd bring it up again...theres been no screaming and threatening...And until it came out I've not cried or shown him any pain...can we work on this?...Hes not even considering this is going to affect our lives...he thinks a few days of extra cuddles and me being stroppy and wear going to be back to normal...he wont look again...and we will be better for it...But how can we be if I'm clearly this awful & not over my past.I dont want to root all that up and him to think I'm not well

I think you seriously need to consider the possibility, as a previous poster has suggested, that he "confessed" to the "lie" to stop you constantly questioning him about it.

He sounds like am loving partner who was caught in a catch 22.

He’s not your therapist he isn’t going to know how to ‘fix’ all of your turbulent chaotic hurtful thoughts and feelings and it’s unrealistic to expect him to be able to

@ladymary86 I do find that hard to believe...But I wont rule that out...I'd rather just accept what hes saying that he has occasionally done it...Rather than add another "whats the truth" into my mind...It wasnt like some big break down confession of his...It was kind of yeah whatever...ok I've had a cheeky wank and bit of me time if you've been out with mates (which is rare..prob 5 times in bloody 3 years) or before the odd bath...He didnt seem like he was at the end of any tether at all...and he still doesnt...Hes happy smiling...up & out for work...Sending nice texts to cheer me up...talking about having a really REALLY good date night this month because we usually go out for drinks and dinner once a month and cant now.So he wants a nice indoor one...If anything he seems happier it's off his chest...Weve been having sex more than ever (I do feel like hes trying to make me reassured he fancys me by being all over me)...Maybe he does feel closer to me now...And happier theres no small hidden secrets and he doesnt have to uphold the Mr Perfect act anymore....