Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall

Please speak to your GP urgently OP. This is not a normal reaction to seeing some random spam porn emails in your DP's email account

Sorry I have to agree with everyone on here! Your going to drive yourself insane and this is very worrying behaviour. Please listen to me and read what these posts are saying
ALL MEN WATCH PORN!!! It is a fact of life. Like we all judge others when we say we don't. If he suddenly started asking you to do some of the things they're doing then ok have a chat and tell him you don't want to do that but he sounds like a decent guy so don't push him away, tbh most women who post on here I think shit I'd hate to have your partner but yours sounds great. As a health professional you are suffering from a bit of PTSD and psychotherapy not even cbt would be enough! Everyone is supportive but you need a reality check and some anti anxiety medication. Please see the gp.

Thankyou everyone...I do agree...I just cant get past it...maybe I am just too far gone.

OP, I say this kindly, unless you seek help for your past trauma it will destroy any healthy relationships that you have in your life.

OP you have illustrated a very deep introspective journey here. You really are rationalising everything although the odd event has caused you to be mistrusting because of your awful experience in the past.

I get dozens of porn emails in my spam box every day. I also get emails about improving my male sexual performance. So they are aimed at the male audience but I have no idea why I get them. And other kind of spam about loans (don’t have any, never looked for one to say there might be a link between my email address or search history). I don’t watch porn and I don’t use my email on any shared devices. I never opened them so couldn’t tell you what a genuine (not sure if the term can be applied here) invite email is supposed to look like.
Your DH sounds very considerate on a day to day basis and very patient. You are lucky. Don’t sabotage your relationship.
I work closely with other men (more than women), my DH works mostly with other men but a few women as well. We never even think to tell each who we work with wether they are male of female, it makes zero difference. Work is work even with the odd work socialisation events.

Op I couldn't read this and not reply . I have been in the same situation as you and kind of still am . I detest porn . Like you never watched it . Said from day one how it made me feel . All the feelings you have . Found out he was watching it and it literally turned my world up side down . I didn't eat for ages either just felt so ugly . I couldn't stop thinking of it . I would leave him if he done it a 2nd time not because I don't love him but because I don't want to feel that feeling ever again . My boyfriend too ha these spam emails . Fuck buddies hot single girls ect 😴 but I think they are form him going on day footballs streams and boxing , downloading films . Their emails get sent to these sites . If you look at a certain part you will see other emails who they have sent them too all with similar names . I hope your ok I really do xxx

OP despite what some might think theres hardley a man in the UK or beyond who dosen't click on a porn site from time to time! no matter how good/bad the actual relationship is. What they may do becase of that is another matter some just have a gawp some do a bit of self abuse some just wish they could have a bit of fun with a pornstar etc etc..

Sometimes some of these sites carry nasties like malware and virus type things if you clcik on that and there a lot of them around. I wouldnt think he thinks any the less of you by haveing a look and if any man says he 's never looks at a porn site then he's fibbing!

But as others have said you really ought for your own good seek help start by making a visit to your GP hopefully things will get better for you!

Op I have read all of the thread and am concerned for you but also would not be surprised if your partner left you either.

Shoe on the other foot and you would be told to run for the hills, regardless of their past trauma. You are letting your past ruin your future. That isn’t your fault but there comes a time when you do have to take responsibility for your actions ( and you do seem very aware of what you’re doing, even though you are clearly unwell )

I have several MH conditions so please don’t think I am being mean. I am struggling to write down what my thoughts are but they are overwhelmingly of concern and worry and not being nasty.

Please seek some help. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help. In the meantime, give your partner a chance, he sounds like a keeper.

The harrassment you are giving him sounds abusive. He isn't allowed to work with a female! You don't want him watching porn, lots of people do, but it's to the extent of wanting to control his thoughts and making it all about you. You felt suicidal. Having a terrible past does not allow you to abuse or control someone else.

If porn is a boundary then your relationship is over and you need to organise things to separate after lockdown.

A big cuddle for you but this isn't healthy.

@Cantthinkofanameeee

I have been in your shoes. Please look up some of my posts from the last year and read some of the same, rational advice I got from the ladies here.

I understand. It eats me up too. Laying awake all night looking at him asleep wondering who he is. How could he choose these videos over me? How could he get so turned on by another woman he had to wank over her video or image? It tormented me. It still does on occasion. It's not your "fault" stop saying that. It's part of your mental make up. You need some help to address these feelings, urgently. They feel overwhelming, I know that, but they can be tamed. Please believe me when I say how much I understand how this has sent you spiralling. It broke my heart, it destroyed a big chunk of everything we did, it all felt tainted, I hated him, I couldn't understand why he did it when he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how sexy I am. Made me feel like it was all a lie. Your DH sounds very understanding, so you've got that.

Take control sweetheart, I try to - every day it really helps. It'll take a while though. If you're anything like me you'll chew this over for months and months and let it morph into something it isn't. Not healthy. See the facts, acknowledge that this hurts you and accept it. Work with DH on this but really, it has to come from you.

Oh and the emails about meeting up etc. Its spam, don't get worked up about those.

X

OP CALL YOUR GP NOW.

To me, his porn use is a small slip up when nobody is perfect. He loves you, he fancies you, he wants to be with you. Many, many people in secure relationships fancy other people - otherwise there would be no such thing as a sex symbol.

Op my daughter has EUBPD and I am Bipolar. I know what it feels like to catastrophise and I know how it feels to watch my daughter. But I would like to say something here. It is not his behaviour that has made you spiral. You need to take responsibility here....it is your reaction to his behaviour that has made you spiral. And in reality what did he do? he lied as you are so insecure you are persecuting him about the slightest thing, fantasisng about killing yourself.

You need to leave this relationship. It is 100% NOT FAIR for you to make your hapiness and security his full time job. It is not his responsibility. You need to be responsible for your own self esteem. It is not other peoples jobs not to trigger you, it is your job to put steps into place to minimise it.

I know its hard. I was in an very violent abusive relationship, was raped and had PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. But expecting other people to walk on eggshells around me just kept me in the victim role. It prolonged my pain and suffering. Then I made the choice to send my husband to live away full time. I made myself take control and I got intensive therapy with a pyschiatrist and I recovered slowly but surely. DO i have bad days? sure I do. But the only person responsible for MY OWN self esteem and self worth is ME. I also control my own happiness. Not my husband, not him masturbating over porn, not his saying another woman is pretty.

You are going to push away every person that cares for you if you carry on this way. You CAN imrpove yourself and your own life and your own self worth. But only you can do it. Not him.

Just to add, my husband and I were apart fro aroun 8-9 months and are still together now. 20 years on and we are stronger than ever because I am stronger. I have gone from being the weakest link in our relationship to the strongest.

You sound like me before I had my breakdown,I was convinced my dh was cheating,checked every website,social media,you need more help

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing thankyou and I'm sorry you've suffered so much in life...you seem to have really taken control and beaten your past...I hope I can be there one day...if you read through my thread...I was alone for 3 years and rebuilt my life before I chose to be with someone
..I have been very health for many years now other than like you say the odd bad day...Him LYING about porn use when we agreed in the EARLY days it was something I didnt want in my relationship has resurfaced the old feelings of being let down by someone I love.Being hurt.Feeling unloved unwanted unattractive...And I intend in seeking help for this episode...I know its irrational I know this prob puts a weight on him...And I'm acknowledging that and looking for a way forward...I took control over my past.I moved on and trusted enough to love again...and start a family...So yes I've wobbled about these lies...Its brought back feelings I've had before...I have a young baby and have had post natal depression so I know my hormones are sensitive also and it's all came ontop...I'm not unaware...and I'm not using my past as an excuse or allowing myself to be in victim role...I'm acknowledging HE isnt to blame and it's my past making ME feel this way...I'm to blame.Im over analysing and I'm asking for outsiders to make me realise that...And help me out this hole I'm stuck in.I dont want to be back in an unhealthy relationship...And I want to nip these feelings in the bud.But I'm struggling

Ulver said
"Specially if you were made to stay at home in your previous abusive relationship."

I think that's a really important point. Covid has restricted all of us to home and for you, that restriction is a very painful and triggering reminder of your past.

But your life is quite different now.

You have found real love and happiness with a good man who understands your vulnerability and is doing his best to shield and protect you.

You don't have to be perfect; he loves the real you just as you are.Love like that is rare and precious, treasure it; and make the same allowances for any imperfections in him.

This is abusive behaviour on your part. If you were a woman saying this was your husband's behaviour, you'd be greeted with tons of "LTB."

You need serious help.

@2bakookas thankyou for that kind message...I think where it has been SO perfect...such a dream...so refreshing...no fear...No lies...no jealously...no pain...I've just put him on this pedestal...And now hes lied and in the category of sex/porn/other women...its came crashing down and to me it's like an ultimate betrayal from my mr perfect...I dont want to hurt him...I dont want him to see me weak...And insecure...I want to be confident and accepting and the person he can tell anything too...Not this psychotic bitch hes scared to talk too...I never wanted to be this person

It's great that you've had help before, but it seems you need to go and speak to someone else now about this specific issue.

Your reaction is way over the top, and it stems from somewhere deep inside you. This is your issue... he shouldn't be worried to tell you he is working with a woman in case it triggers your anxiety. I bet he has had to reassure you hasn't he? I've been there, it felt uncontrollable to me. My emotions and reactions were extreme but then I spent a long time speaking with counsellors as my relationships were (quite rightly) not working out.

I cannot tell you how much better I feel now, I am a changed person. My anxieties no longer control me or interfere with my relationships.

Go get more help x

In my spam folder it's mostly those porn emails. Some have my name in the title.
I don't look at porn and I expect everyone has similar in their spam folders.

Please call your GP, or mind also have a helpline.
These mails are normal spam, almost everybody gets them. I do get them, and I haven’t ever watched porn, nor am i interested
Your thoughts are extremely alarming though, you need help NOW!

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines

OP his porn use is a red herring here.

Fact is that you only questioned him about it because you saw spam in his spam folder and chose not to believe what those messages say.

Ive just been looking through my spam folder and honestly the emails are all along the lines of “I want to fck you hard” “pussy just waiting for you here,” Thousands of women’ waiting for you to fck them” (and yes, the u is changed to a *” and those are just the subject headings.

You actually cannot demand that he doesn’t use porn.It can be a preference,but being so controlling and yes, abusive, is only going to drive him away.

I would actually go so far as to say you should end this relationship for his sake while you seek professional help in order to have a successful relationship.

I want to be confident and accepting and the person he can tell anything too...Not this psychotic bitch hes scared to talk too...I never wanted to be this person

OP are you medicated at the moment? I say this because some of the things you've said are deeply concerning and counselling alone doesn't seem like it's going to be enough. You may well need a mood stabiliser to get yourself back on a rational footing.

Regarding your DP, he isn't perfect. No one is. People make mistakes and tell lies for a whole variety of reasons. Based on some of the things you've said, I'm not surprised he'd tell the odd lie to avoid a flare up reaction, and as you acknowledge above that's not the person you want him to see you as. Please get the help you so obviously need

Can you imagine if you were male and posting this about your wife?! You refer to your husband being scared, more than once.

Your problem with porn isn't even wider societal impact it is merely that you feel knocked off some sexual pedestal that you feel he must hold you.

Abuse knows no gender and has no excuse.