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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Tell me this means nothing bad

278 replies

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 09:41

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

OP posts:
Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:25

@AlternativePerspective what's a red herring?...Yes I agree I cant control anyone...But before we were serious and had kids...I told him no porn...Weather it's right or wrong...he agreed and said he doenst watch it anyway...doesn't need to if he has a partner...so to lie to me for 6 years when he said he didnt watch it isnt nice

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slashlover · 27/04/2020 14:32

harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit

The thing is, with this much harassment he may just have said he did to get you off of his back. You weren't going to stop until he said yes, were you? If he had not said yes then you would still be trying to force him to admit it. He had no way of winning.

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:32

@rottiemum88 I'm on beta blockers...I've had many medications but they cause weight gin which then causes me to become unwell...Before the lies about working with this woman and the porn I've never "flared up" in 6 years!!!...so I dont find that as an excuse either...and my mental health always being used as the scape goat...I know how healthy and stable I've been...So I know thats not the reason to lie...Why agree in the beginning not to watch it...and then lie to the person you "love" for 6 years

OP posts:
EdgarAllenCrow · 27/04/2020 14:33

You haven't been 'healthy' for many years, you were just not being triggered. It was still all there underneath. Because you've erroneously made your sense of self and self-worth entirely dependent on your partner which is related to your past and damaging you both.

So you feel okay when your entirely unrealistic expectations are being met but when they're not, even slightly. You lose it.

Honestly, you would really benefit from therapy.

Aerial2020 · 27/04/2020 14:36

You're now getting into a defending position to strangers on the internet.
You don't need to do that, it's gotten to porn discussion. You came on here to vent and ask for help.
Most people have been understanding but this thread is not going to help you anymore.
Have you had proper therapy before and can still access it?
This is not helping you repeating yourself how he's lied about porn.
Look after yourself and access the support you need.

slashlover · 27/04/2020 14:36

You kept going to get the answer you wanted to confirm how you feel about yourself. You expect him to do something because of you insecurities and wanted to be proved right.

BilboBercow · 27/04/2020 14:38

OP why would your partner even have to mention he was working with a woman? Honestly I know you're very unwell but I can't imagine how difficult it's been for your partner to be with you, your behaviour isn't ok, you've said yourself you know it isn't ok, so you need to do something to address it. Having an abusive past doesn't excuse becoming an abuser yourself.

This is tough love because I do feel for you, but what are you going to do to address your mental I'll health? No one can fix this but you.

FlowerArranger · 27/04/2020 14:39

@Cantthinkofanameeee... I'll admit I've not read the entire thread. However, every one of your posts that I have read suggests that you are VERY unwell.

Your partner sounds likes good man who has put up with more than would test a saint. His use of porn seems pretty vanilla. His lies don't seem malicious - he is trying to prevent your meltdowns.

It's good that you are getting counselling, but you clearly need way more than this. When did you last see a psychiatrist? Are you on any medication?

This whole situation is going to result in a horrendous family breakdown unless you seek the help you so clearly need.

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:41

@EdgarAllenCrow that's made me cry...that's so right...and I've never thought about it that way...I thought I was better...I thought I'd made steps forward...but when you put it like that it all makes sense...I've not yet had a trigger to see how far I've come...and I guess that's the test when all is said and done...how you behave in the face of a trigger shows your growth...and mine clearly hasnt grown very far at all...is this meaning my family & relationship is doomed?

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 27/04/2020 14:45

OP, are you going to call your GP?

Everyone has advised this including people like me who have had a mental health crisis (or many) in the past.

It feels like you're avoiding responding to people asking if you're going to do that, because you're doubling down on being defensive.

Nobody here thinks you're wrong not to like him using porn. Nobody here thinks you're a terrible person. But we do think that your reactions are disproportionate and destructive. And that they are unfair on your husband as well as you, so you need professional help.

Mumsnet can be a support for people in challenging times but it doesn't replace professionals helping you.

Will you call your GP today? Fantasising about maybe driving into a wall is such a worrying level of response and we are all worried about you. Even if you'd never do it, the thought means you are unwell and need (and deserve) help Thanks

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:46

@FlowerArranger I was in cbt for 6 months about 2 years ago...After my post natal depression episodes...Then I was in councilling...which referred me to a psychiatrist where I was diagnosed with OCD Body dismorphia and Borderline personality disorder...I was told therapy 1to1 was years of waiting....And offered group sessions with other people which I declined because it's too scary...I was also offered medication for the OCD which I declined because I dont want to gain weight...so i started councilling again...then got pregnant...so i didnt want to drag the past up whilst pregnant...Then obviously had my baby...the girl at work thing happened and now this...so I know it's time to get help again

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MitziK · 27/04/2020 14:48

'Lies' about there being a woman in his workplace. Not trusting him. Feeling like he's cheating because he looked at a video. That he should put you in your place. That he should be making demands of you to wear outfits or role play or something. That he has some seedy life behind your back.

That's the language of your exes. That you couldn't be trusted to speak to a man without fucking them. That you couldn't be trusted to even see an image of a man without wanting to fuck them.

He is not them. And neither are you.

Stop judging him - and yourself - by the standards of those utter shitbags.

MyFartWillGoOn · 27/04/2020 14:49

OP I think I remember commenting on your post last year when you first 'discovered' he was working with a woman.

Honestly the post back then and now are mirror images and people are telling you the same thing here-that you're over reacting massively and should seek some help.

I realise this is behaviour from past relationships and it sounds like you have a lot of issues that haven't been dealt with. We can all give you a lot of advice but again I think the main consensus is that you should urgently seek help from your GP who can advise on therapy.

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:49

@backseatcookers no i havent called them...I'm scared to tell anyone about the suicidal thoughts...anything else I'm open with...Just not that because I'm scared they will take my children or think I'm a bad parent...And I dont tell my family or freinds about that...or my partner because I dont want to worry people or make my partner feel responsible for me anymore than it seems you all think he does already...I dont want medication...and no councilling can be arranged until after this virus goes away...so what will the g.p even be able to do?

OP posts:
AmyU134 · 27/04/2020 14:51

Porn is completely healthy and normal. As long as he is not physically hurting you or anyone else then you sound like you have the perfect relationship. Most people watch porn, they jsut don’t admit it. I’m married with kids and watch pork regularly. It doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. It’s really healthy and should be normalised. Your husband is not cheating on you

AlternativePerspective · 27/04/2020 14:51

Lies about working with another woman? Seriously? He works with a woman (don’t we all?) and you accuse him of lying because he didn’t tell you?

Do you honestly expect him to come home and admit to you that a woman has started working in his office?

And he didn’t lie to you about watching porn he just didn’t tell you,because it wasn’t relevant. It’s a red herring because you didn’t find he’d watched porn, you judged him based on the contents of his spam folder,which probably mirrors most spam folders the country over. Have you looked at yours to see what’s in it?

We get posters on here whose partners are this abusive and who threaten to commit suicide over the betrayal they feel because their partner has spoken to a man or angered them in some way. Actually thinking back I went out with one. Had been abused as a child, neglected and then left at boarding school for the parents never to return.

If I spoke to any of my male friends he would pull me aside and tel me how much it had hurt him,how he felt betrayed, he cried about it,rang me in tears because he’d seen me talking to someone and felt I shouldn’t.

Eventually he hit me during an argument,I slapped him back out of reflex and walked away from him forever. (BTW I was a teenager and he was a few years older than me.)

This is the kind of relationship your partner is in and you are the abuser.

Those are harsh words I know but if this was a man we were talking about,or if he posted as the victim you would get absolutely no sympathy here.

If you’re genuine about wanting to work through this then you need serious psychological help. But. You can’t expect him to toe the line in the meantime. If he ends the relationship then you will have only yourself to blame. He needs to protect himself.

Aerial2020 · 27/04/2020 14:52

Have you tried psychotherapy? I don't think counselling is enough and has been papering over the cracks to get you to keep going but hasn't reached the depth of it.
Or have you had proper targeted help for the years of abuse you suffered?

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:53

@MitziK I agree...and I hate myself for it...I just dont know what normal is anymore...Years of being conditioned to believing one thing...and trying to find a new normal is so hard...But I am trying...I know it's wrong and it's the furthest away from the sort of life I want us to live...I want freedom and trust and security...I dont want to feel this way

OP posts:
slashlover · 27/04/2020 14:55

Nobody is going to take your children, they are going to want to help you. Not all types of ADs make you gain weight (I lost weight on mine because I was no longer bingeing). If the doctor prescribes medication then you must take it.

Menora · 27/04/2020 14:55

Yes counselling can be arranged I have mine on the phone

I also remember your last post and it was the same as this one

It’s all ok until he does something that sets you off and then it’s all a huge catastrophe and you spiral
Are you getting any help or support with your BPD? You cannot manage your overwhelming emotions very well and this is not going to go away even if you lock him into a room where he’s completely cut off from the world - you would still struggle. This is inside of you and your trauma

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 14:55

@Aerial2020 I've never been offered anything other than cbt councilling and medication...I'm open to anything...I want to be normal

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Menora · 27/04/2020 14:56

If you aren’t being honest with professionals they can only do so much. If you don’t tell anyone what is going on how can they help you?

You don’t seem to want to help yourself you have a lot of reasons why you can’t do X Y and Z

localbunny · 27/04/2020 14:57

You've got your thoughts tangled up in a big old knot OP.

Like everyone has said here, you need to get yourself some help in untangling them. This might be due to past trauma, or any number of things. Lots of people go through this (in different ways), and therapies like CBT can really help. But it does take a bit of work on your side!

You need to find a way to start focusing on YOUR reaction to things, and not other people. Feelings do not equal reality; just because you feel hurt and angry doesn't mean that your husband has actually done anything wrong. I know it's hard to hear at first, but you really can feel a lot better if you can be brave enough to go and get yourself some help. CBT really helped me (and several people I know!) so please consider it.

You're very lucky to have a partner who seems to stick by you despite the problems you're facing, so why not try saying to him that you're not feeling very well and you need some help accessing some mental health care?

slashlover · 27/04/2020 14:59

I've never been offered anything other than cbt councilling and medication...I'm open to anything...I want to be normal

So phone the GP and if they offer medication then take it.

Cantthinkofanameeee · 27/04/2020 15:01

@AlternativePerspective he works on a building site...Full of men...He did lie...because if I asked general questions like how was your day...He would say he was working with "bob" when he really wasnt...regardless of how crazy I am...And how I look on here...A lie is a lie...No he doesnt have to come home and tell me word for word his day...Or who he spoke to and what about...and until then I thought he never had lied...he goes into womens houses to do jobs ALL the time...and I never kick off and he never lies...so when a girl said hello to him that in 6 years I've never seen him talk to and he said shes from the job...I was weirded out.Why lie to me daily?...and it came out on several occasions theyd worked alone together...So he was saying he was working with someone when really he was working with her...it hurt!...I was paranoid yes!...We were out a few months ago in a bar and an old friend of his came in A WOMAN and he shouted her over gave her a big hug...And introduced us...THATS NORMAL AND NOT THE BEHAVIOUR OF AN ABUSED MAN SCAERD TO TALK TO OR BE AROUND WOMEN...I'm really not as intense to his face as I feel inside about the porn..And Im really not arsed about him working with women...or talking to women...yes getting turned on by another women and wanking over them YES that hurts...YES I'm bothered...YES I'm jealous...and I told him this from day 1!!!

OP posts: