Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

I’m so sorry you are going through this but you simply cannot try controlling him. It isn’t right. If he’s expected to walk on egg shells around you for basically everything then this isn’t going to work. He probably knew your mental state and was scared of freaking you out. Although you love him, I think you need to work on yourself first. It’s probably better to work on yourself before you bring anyone else in your life a expecting. He can’t make you better only you can. Get the help you need

@BemidjiMinnesota if he hid any sexual desires from me in order to hide his porn use...what does that say about us?...Porn come first...I'd rather him be open and do these things WITH me...No not watch porn...But if something hes secretly watching turned him on...I'd like to feel well at least he wanted to do the real thing with me...at least I'm involved or though of somehow in that fantasy or desire

Also, I get a constant stream of sex emails - offering me everything from local MILFs, viagra, swinging sites, casual hook ups etc. I've never signed up to a single porn site.

Op will you not be happy until the whole of mumsnet tells you that porn is best thing in the world and you are crazy not to watch it?
That’s not going to happen.
Call your GP and stop obsessing over posting about porn.
It’s getting ridiculous.

You need a lot of counselling. You're projecting all sorts on him which unlikely to be true. What is likely to be true is that sometime, he watches a tiny bit.

This is in my inbox today, I haven't signed up for shit

I'm just being honest and blunt @Bluntness100

Have you called your GP today @Cantthinkofanameeee?

Please phone and tell them that you are thinking of driving your car into a wall and you haven’t eaten in days.

Then come back and tell us what they said.

Just because someone has a partner or a spouse doesn’t mean you get to control their brain and all their sexual desires
It is very wrong and not natural to think you own them now and all of their thoughts. You don’t

Please call your GP urgently.

I can only reiterate what past posters are saying about seeking support for your mental health. Your focus should absolutely be securing counselling to improve your mental health not obsessing over spam emails and your husband's work colleagues.

I think because of your mental state (meant in the kindest way) you are blowing this out of proportion. You can’t tell him what to do, yes he agreed not to watch porn but things change and he’s allowed to change his mind. You are allowed to tell him you don’t like it and why and ask him not to. The ideal would be if you compromised in some way if that’s possible at all. If you either if you can’t accept the other pov or you can’t compromise then the relationship will
Not last.

Watching porn and looking at things that you don’t normally do together doesn’t mean he actually wants to do these things. Watching and doing are two different things; I like watching certain things but I would act them out.

I advise you concentrate on you for now and getting your mental well-being better. Then revisit this when you can consider all options more rationally.

I get spam emails about meeting and fucking and ones that ask if I’m looking for hot Russian women and I’m a heterosexual woman, they are pure spam thats all.

How is your mood affecting your children? How much time are you spending thinking about porn and posting about it and being anguished about it?
Shouldn’t you be speaking to your GP and getting yourself together and organising treatment instead of obsessing over and posting about porn for hrs?

This is all about your self esteem op, the worries about him cheating, the constant worries, the breast implants. Please talk to your go and get a referral for help. You deserve to be happy.

@Ulver it's only been 2 days since I found out...So yes I'm down and I'm focusing on that right now...The children are fine...Fed clean played with cuddled...And dont know any different...These thoughts are in my head and hence coming on a forum for offloading and advice instead of offloading to real life people and hurting or worrying them...I havent told my partner i feel suicidal...or so down...I've said ot makes me insecure jealous and not good enough...and I had a good cry...I've been all smiles today when he went to work...but yes...inside...its still eating away at me and I dont want to text and offload to him as he thinks it's a fresh start...So I'm looking for help on here...

@Cantthinkofanameeee please please close this thread and call your GP urgently. Nothing anyone says here will help you really, you need urgent mental health support so please call now.

I get emails offering me viagra and blow jobs all the time op, as well as all the 'hot girls in your area' etc...

OP - you are looking at it all wrong.
The wanting toys and new positions and kinks - isn’t what happens to all when people watch porn. For most - it’s just a very quick visual for a quick self-pleasure season.
Women often use imagination, and men use a visual. It really has nothing to do with you.

But the bigger issue - of wanting to be his everything in life - is the main cause of all your problems. I think in your current state you’ll only be totally secure if you put your bf in a world where there are no other females, Or at least no attractive ones.

I am pretty sure it’s not porn only that you object to. You‘ll probably react just as bad if you see him talking and smiling to an attractive woman at a party, etc. Or if he notices a beautiful actress on TV and mentions it. Or if you are on a beach...
And that’s not healthy.

No one can be everything to a partner. People need all kinds of interactions. And people are sexual beings - so seeing opposite sex as sexual beings is totally OK, and doesn’t mean you aren’t important. And doesn’t mean he’ll act on it.
You are just too unwell to realise that.

You won't find help here. You need help from mental health professionals.

Some good advice here. Please look after yourself.

I'm another one who gets daily porn into my personal emails. I don't watch it.

I think you should get yourself some help and cut your partner some slack. He sounds as if he's doing his best.

A close family member of mine was suicidal and found going on AD's very helpful. Please get yourself - and your family the help that you deserve

OP you really need to get in touch with your GP. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but from what I've read you are emotionally abusing your partner. If it was the other way around everyone would be screaming at you to leave him!

I get porn & viagra emails too and I’m a girl.

You do need to ring the dr about your mental health though.

He sounds like a good man. Occasional porn doesn’t mean anything bad.
You really need urgent help with your mental health.
Listen to what everyone is telling you.

My friend hated porn. Couldn't bear the thought of her DP watching it.

She would dress up (roleplay) did things she didn't necessarily want to do (anal), had sex everyday with him, just so he didn't watch it.

Can you guess what I'm going to say next? She still discovered that he had been watching it!

Him watching it had no reflection on their relationship. He wanted a release and porn use was something he had done since his teens and so it felt natural to him.

Now of course porn can certainly cause problems. Addiction... porn desensitisation. Choosing porn over sex etc. But this doesn't sound like your DP at all.

I found out my DP had watched it. At first I felt the same. I hated the thought that he had pleasured himself to another woman.

But I reminded myself that our sex life is good and that he makes me feel desired. Porn isn't a reflection on me or our sex life.

Don't make it into something it's not. Your DP finds you sexy. He wants to have sex with you. He thinks you're beautiful. Don't compare your worth to a quick sexual video that he watched.

PLEASE speak to a GP. For the sake of your DP, for you, and for your family.