Tell me this means nothing bad

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

I have been in a seemingly happy relationship for nearly 6 years.Partner has been nothing but great.We have children together & hes been an attentive partner and dad throughout it all...pregnancy...Childbirth...Everything.He works hard.Comes home with a smile on his face.Helps clean...Does diy...Cuddles me..tells me I'm beautiful all the time...Sex is great...I've never felt an issue...I've been in abusive relationships prior to him...VERY abusive.And it has lasted on me.Im a very insecure person.I have OCD & Body dismorphia...I self loathe a lot.And he is reassuring and very supportive.Ive had councilling medication & cbt over the years when I flare up...And I suffered quite bad post natal depression after our first child...we have a young baby and after she was born I found out he had been working along side a girl at his construction job...And it sent my health down badly.I felt like 1.Im so insecure hes too scared to even tell me hes been working with a woman so our relationship clearly isnt as great as I thought.And he must hate me.Ect...que self pity! OR 2.All my insecurities from the past are real and he isnt the prince charming...hes been having an affair with her...And hes just like the rest of them...He said it was because he didnt want to make me worry or feel insecure.So it is what it is...we talked it through...I apologised and told him it's my fault and I need to work on my self esteem so he doesnt feel the need to lie to me...And that's what I've been doing...Councilling...medication...And looking forward to being a better me for him...THEN...I sent him a returns label to his email...To return something for me...He couldnt find it...so I tried looking...I went in his spam box and saw porn invites...Invites to "meet" and fuck...Ect...I felt like dying...He has denied all knowledge...I've clicked on the links and it either says sorry error no website found or just offers me to sign up...I've basically become very unwell...typed his email into every website possible to see if hes a member...harassed him night and day to be honest...does he watch porn? (Weve had this convo and he says before we met and he was single he watched porn...but he doesnt need to now) but I cant drop it...why would he get these emails...He says they sell your email address...its age and gender defined...Or old porn use ect...Fast forward a month I've not dropped it...And finally 2 days ago he admitted he has watched porn occasionally out of habit...Its a quick wank...Its not cheating he just knew how I would feel so hes lied...It doesnt mean anything about me or how he feels about me...he can take it or leave it..and since I broke down about the girl at work he realised how vulnerable I was and stopped all use because he knew how it would make me feel...he still denies the spam emails are related...He doesnt pay or use web cams...Hes not signed up to ANYTHING...Its a quick scroll on porn hub if I'm out with freinds or before the odd bath...And hes so so sorry...hes cried...I've cried and tbh I feel suicidal...I know my mental health is prob the reason for all of this and I'm in the wrong...But I feel so unwanted...like hes had a secret life I'm not part of...him looking at someone else and her making him turned on hurts my heart so badly...I've lost weight...ive not eaten for days.I lay awake til 3 4 in the morning imaging him looking at these women...I feel like hes not the same to me anymore...And that all these years are lies...I am going to seek help...but with the virus I know I wont be able to see anyone...I've had thoughts of driving my car into a wall...I'm such a mess and I just dont have another heartbreak left in me...can any man or woman please explain porn to me in a honest way...I am an attractive female...so people tell me...Im slim.Ive had breast implants after my baby so I'm not saggy in that area...I take care of myself...And we do have a good regular sex life...What's happening here?...please be kind...I'm very fragile right now...I know I'm to blame because I'm over bearing...

I can accept many and any guilty pleasures...just not sexual ones...I feel no good to him then...i want to be everything for him...especially sexually

If you cannot accept any porn and he will not stop watching it or hiding it then your relationship is over

@Menora I agree...And ge said he will stop...its accepting that and trusting him enough to let go and move forward

But you know you can't tell him what to do. You know that, I know you do.
Doesn't mean you can't ask him not to and explain how much it hurts.
He's a grown man and if it really is a deal breaker than talk about what you are going to do about that.
The wound of not being good enough has been opened. If it wasnt porn could something else trigger this down the line? He is never going to be perfect. He can't be
Look at getting support for that wound. How you feel about porn is how you feel but something else will replace it to pick at that wound.

I said in the beginning no porn...He could of said well...no...I like porn...Ect...Before we had kids...before we fell in love...Before I was too attached...And we could of went our seperate ways.Now I'm in deep...

There is a lot of shame around porn, people do feel that it is wrong and something they should not be doing something naughty, which can make it more exciting for a few moments and then switch it off and back to normal life

You either need to trust/believe he means it and move on or break up with him if you can’t. He isn’t ever going to be perfect - it’s not possible

You seemed to be calming down, but staying on this thread is increasing your agitation again.

Can you find something to distract yourself with after making the calls?

Something nice, something practical, something unconnected with any of this that would give you a sense of achievement? It might sound crap to you, but considering I don't particularly like cleaning, I feel better after giving myself one job to do and scrubbing the hell out of it.

I get it I really do. It's awful as yes he could have said that. To find it is kot what you agreed is shit.
But it sounds like you've gone into parent mode with him laying down the law.
This won't work. He's not a child.

@Menora thankyou for putting it like that...I know I sound so abnormal but even hearing that makes me feel so distant from him...why does he need something "naughty and exciting" what arent I giving him...I am going to trust him...i am going to move forward...It is still raw...And i hope time will make it not hurt so much...and I guess if I get one whiff of porn I will walk away...Whatever that makes me...I cant risk feeling this way ever again...

I don’t like porn much but I would never check up on or ask someone about using it, unless I had a solid reason to. I would hope that if they did use it, it was discreetly and something I didn’t know about

I would only bring it up as a problem if any of the following happened:

• Sex was different/weird and something felt off (like wanting to do porn things)
• They didn’t want to have sex with me for no apparent reason
• Staying up late for hours when I was in bed
• They were hiding their phone
• Asking to watch it with me (I would say no)
• Openly leaving it on devices I could see it
• Sending or talking about disgusting things about women with their mates
• Finding out they were spending money on it
• Following porn sites or undressed women openly on social media

I would find all of the above disrespectful

The thing with dealbreakers is that unless you're willing to follow through on them, they are just poisonous to everyone involved.

You made your line clear and yes he has crossed it. You've now made it clear again and so all you can do is trust him and see what happens.

BUT if it's a dealbreaker and he crosses that line again then for the sake of your mental health, and his, you have to be willing to end the relationship.

Because you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.

You can ask and explain your reasons but you can't control someone into behaving exactly how you want them to,

And if they can't / won't behave a certain way and it's a dealbreaker for you when it comes to what you can cope with when it comes to mental health, you have to be willing to end the relationship over it.

I'm so sorry my lovely but you need to set your DH free. You can't control him like this. It'll drive you and him utterly crazy. He'll become miserable and so will you. Its not fair either of you should live like this.

Op. It’s not bout being a better person, you’re clearly very unwell, and you need to get off mumsnet and call your gp and tell them what you’ve told us.

I get these emails all the time in my spam, like everyday. I'm a woman who doesnt watch porn, I also get loads about erectile dysfunction and penis extenders!
It's nothing.

My spam inbox is full of these, and I don't watch porn at all! I'd feel very confident that he hasn't been on any websites looking to meet people, these will just be spammy ads. Some companies make money selling your email addresses to these porn/dating sites and you don't know anything about it until strange ads hit your spam box! If he was on a legit dating/hook up site they would be in his inbox, not his spam box, his email spam filter has kicked in as it doesn't recognise those sites, which means it's actually more likely he HASN'T been on them.

You definitely need to persevere with building up your self esteem and your mental health as it sounds like you are doing ❤️ your husband sounds like a good guy

Don’t watch porn to try to understand it as you will not.

Porn is something that a lot of men have grown up with from a young age, and they have followed it into ‘it’s what men do’ or just for a quick release.
Women do it too, they use it for the same reasons.
Women seem to be more likely to use their imagination to help them and relate sex = love.
But 50 shades of grey was one of the most best selling books/films (for women) of the last god knows how many years and also women love Magic Mike. It feels a bit naughty and a bit not like real life, it is a small fantasy that people sometimes go to when they are feeling sexual in themselves. It doesn’t mean they don’t love or value their partners at all, unless they are being disrespectful with it

I think you need intensive therapy not just counselling. Your entire sense of self and self-worth cannot hinge on your DP. Its dangerous for you because you then respond in these extreme ways to feeling 'threatened', and its a huge amount of pressure and unfair responsibility for your partner.

You and he can't live like this. And it will happen again because you have totally unrealistic expectations of him. It's not your fault as you're not doing it deliberately and it is related to past trauma but it is very damaging for you both.

I'd look into EMDR or Psychotherapy.

I mean this in the gentlest way, but you need to stop thinking your reaction is about your DP watching porn. Your reaction is about your unhealed trauma and mental health issues. Please go to the doctor urgently, today. Your emotions are on a completely different scale to your DP's transgressions.

You can't tie your mental health up solely in your DP doing exactly as you tell him. The poor man sounds like he's walking a very thin line between being 100% honest with you and hiding things because he can't deal with you, the mother of his child and woman he loves, screaming, crying and threatening to kill herself. Your behaviour towards him is deeply abusive. I understand that you have deep seated trauma from your previous abusive relationship and this has triggered you to spiral down mentally. You need help to come out of this and start thinking clearly again. You are obviously very unwell and this untreated trauma is going to destroy everything you love.

Also, those emails were spam sent to random email addresses, i get them too and I'm a middle-aged woman who doesn't watch porn. By clicking on them you have alerted the spammers that the email address works and your DP will now get 1000x more spam. The same for typing his email address into porn sites.

OP have you called your GP for an appointment yet? If not, you really need to sweetheart. I really and truly feel that you need professional support with your emotions and feelings, you're unwell and that isn't your fault.

From reading your OP and updates, he didn't tell you about the woman at work because he knew it would affect you, that isn't healthy. He sounds like a good man who went at things a bit skewed but had the best intentions at heart

The thing that's annoyed me aswell and made me feel so pushed out is that when I looked up signs of porn use...it said "a change in sex life..." like wanting to do new things that happens on porn...He hasnt...He never requests anything in bed other than the norm...oral...Positions...No toys...No outfits...NOTHING...So he clearly got his frills from porn...and I'm the boring hole he can cum in at night?...

Controlling his porn use is not going to heal what's inside for you.
I understand it's awful and degrading and hes crossed the line for you but put it to one side now and focus on YOU.
Look after yourself. Leave him out of it for now because that is not the cause of not feeling good enough. It will be replaced by something else. The reason is old scars and you are obsessing with this so you don't have to focus on them.
It will be ok.

The emails are offering to meet?...What does this mean for us.

I'm careful with my email but still get half a dozen of these a month in my spam. I'm amazed you haven't had them.

Cantthinkofanameeee

The thing that's annoyed me aswell and made me feel so pushed out is that when I looked up signs of porn use...it said "a change in sex life..." like wanting to do new things that happens on porn...He hasnt...He never requests anything in bed other than the norm

But if he had wanted to do different stuff you'd take that as proof that he was watching porn. The man can't win. It's not about him, it's about you.

Call your GP

Jesus op, some of the stuff you’re posting 😱