Can we talk about not seeing partners during lockdown

[SenselessUbiquity]

I think there was a thread about this, but I can't find it.

I'm struggling. I've lost my job, my ex is an arse, my children are brilliant but tiring. My boyfriend is a kind, funny, interesting man whom I fancy the pants off and seeing him (and being in bed with him) is the one really truly feel-good thing I had in a life that can get pretty tiring and can feel very groundhog day, even back when we were allowed in theory to do all sorts of things.

I'm struggling. It's hard.

Please can I ask: is everyone honestly following the rules? And if you are (we have) are you going to continue to do so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times they extend the lock down?

Mine is a fairly new relationship (6 months) but it is a serious one . I'd been happily single for 5yrs before I met him , but we both fell for each other pretty fast . I feel a bit cheated if I'm honest , not getting to enjoy that early part of a relationship where you can't keep your hands off each other . We video call for hours every day which is lovely but not the same as physical contact . I also worry if this whole wanting to be together but can't situation is somehow romanticising our relationship and moving it on to a level faster than it would move naturally. Lockdown also gives me lots of time to overthink things

@Sapphyr you completely misread my post. I meant that non living together relationships are seen as if they are disposable and easily replaced. Which is not the case. It pisses me off

@AlternativePerspective i hear you. There is a underlying narrative that it is not a real relationship and that anyone can find a "real" relationship easily so one should give up on your partner to let that happen.

No credence given to the validity or depth of emotion between two people in shit situations. Finding someone who you love deeply and loves you back appears to be easy to many posters, RL, not so much

Sometimes I muse that getting married but living apart might help. Commitment recognised but no disruption for dcs.

I’m old too, so the term bf sounds weird 😃

@sofato5miles ahhh my apologies, sorry! I read that as if you were the one with that attitude rather than pointing out the attitude in others.

So I guess my post is not directed at you but still stands for people who have that ridiculous attitude 😊

@Sapphyr no worries, it's an emotive statement. I know! 🤣

From the actual content of the actual posts, I think it's safe to say that we're not talking about people we met on Tinder 2 weeks before the lockdown

Except for MarieQueenofScots:

No I’m not seeing the guy I’m fucking. well that sounds like a deep and fulfilling relationship.

I’m also not seeing my parents who I see several times a week in normal times because I don’t think my needs are special enough to require a dispensation. I’m more interested in keeping people safe.

The point.
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Marie’s head.

No credence given to the validity or depth of emotion between two people in shit situations. Finding someone who you love deeply and loves you back appears to be easy to many posters, RL, not so much and yet if it were a different thread and an OP was saying she’d been in several relationships and fell in love really quickly people would be telling her to step back, seek counselling and do the freedom programme. .

I'm not in this situation but I think the biggest inconsistency is that people were advised to either not see each other, or to move in together. This makes no sense, as the act of getting under one roof doesn't help at all. The virus isn't spread through the roof. The only advantage is if you both normally live with housemates. If you live by yourselves or with dc who would be coming with you, it's exactly the same number of people exposed to the virus if either gets sick.

It would have been more consistent to say anyone who can live separately must do so - this includes married couples that ordinarily live together but have the resources to do otherwise. However no one would ever try to make this a rule, it would seem ridiculous and unfair. And it's the same for LAT couples really.

well that sounds like a deep and fulfilling relationship

I wasn't aware you were an arbiter? Are we really suggesting there needs to be a judgement on whether a relationship is worthy of consideration? How reductive.

The point

It is called sharing my own opinion. My parents are my dearest friends - they're who I have a deep and meaningful relationship with.

Unless we're saying people are only allowed to find it difficult if it is a romantic relationship....and again how reductive.

Plus ca change on MN

Sometimes I muse that getting married but living apart might help. Commitment recognised but no disruption for dcs.

I’ve considered this too.

I’m old too, so the term bf sounds weird agreed! I’m 45 and the term BF is so stupid. I call him DP on here but then you get the whole ‘you don’t live together, he’s not your partner’ shit.

I’m tempted to get engaged just so that we can call each other fiancé/e instead!

yet if it were a different thread and an OP was saying she’d been in several relationships and fell in love really quickly people would be telling her to step back, seek counselling and do the freedom programme

Who’s talking about “several relationships” ?

@ohnoitsnot ditto with my situation. We are also 6 months in and very serious. Before lockdown we were discussing retirement plans! (he's early 50s and I'm late 40s).

I also worry if this whole wanting to be together but can't situation is somehow romanticising our relationship and moving it on to a level faster than it would move naturally. Lockdown also gives me lots of time to overthink things

I totally understand this ^^ . We are both very much secure in the fact we want a future together and last weekend we both admitted how it is often on our minds re: moving in together in the future. It really won't happen for another 18 months or so as my youngest is going to be in uni (hopefully, corona depending!) next year. Once they are settled that is when I will be reassessing my living situation. I also wonder if the lockdown contributes to romanticizing, but it is difficult not to? Even if we had the means to, I wouldn't have moved in with my chap, because keep a sensible head on, I know it would definitely be too soon.

We haven't seen each other for over 6 weeks now and have both been sticking to the rules. However, I am hoping in a few weeks the restrictions may be lowered with regards to the possible 'cluster contact'. If that is so, we will definitely be able to see each other. We have both been WFH and having very minimal contact with people except my DC has they are home every 10 days between here and their father's house. That would still be in place if the 'cluster contact' is allowed. I really hope it is.

I really don't understand why you're arguing that married/living together couples ought to live apart, 1300cakes. . If you live together in one household, only one of you need go out shopping etc, so your risk of spreading the virus is little different to a single person. If you live apart in two households, both of you will need to go out shopping etc and so the amount of risk is doubled.

I wasn't aware you were an arbiter? Are we really suggesting there needs to be a judgement on whether a relationship is worthy of consideration? How reductive.

In the context of this thread, “the guy you’re fucking” has about as much to do with anything as the lifelong school chums we’re supposed to be missing. We’re talking about a partnership - someone who is to all intents and purposes a spouse, living in a separate house, not some randomer you found on Tinder. If you refer to him as the guy you’re fucking, rather than your partner or boyfriend, you not being able to see him is pretty irrelevant to this conversation, as are your parents.

Who’s talking about “several relationships” ? not me,but it’s an easy conclusion to draw from the attitudes of some where if a relationship ends that’s ok because you can always just go out and find another one... As if meaningful relationships are somehow ten a penny.

The guy I’m fucking how flattering.
Hardly the kinds of description one might apply to a long-term partner? I can’t imagine many on here being happy to be described as “the woman I’m fucking”so that goes both ways, no? Unless of course that’s all the relationship is to you which for many on here it clearly is not.

@RUSU92 engagement crossed my mind too.

If you live together in one household, only one of you need go out shopping etc, so your risk of spreading the virus is little different to a single person. If you live apart in two households, both of you will need to go out shopping etc and so the amount of risk is doubled.

Nonsense.

Two people living in one household can both still be going out to work. They can both choose to rotate the Tesco shop if they want to. They can both go out separately to walk the dog.

There is absolutely no rule that says "households must have only one appointed shopper"... so they should be factoring it into statistics that every adult can legally exercise their right to go to Tesco.

So two people living together and shopping and two people living apart but having contact are at exactly the same risk.

Side note: I never considered a time or a place where using the phrase legally exercise their right to go to Tesco would not seem utterly farcical.

And indeed, one person from a couple living separately can shop for both houses. I often shop for my boyfriend on my way over or we go together whilst I am there as he doesn’t have a car. If I was seeing him during lockdown, I’d definitely be doing his shopping in bulk but as it is, he’s having to go much more frequently on foot. We need the same amount of shopping whether we live in two homes or one, still feeding (and washing) the same amount of people.

I really don't understand why you're arguing that married/living together couples ought to live apart, 1300cakes.

I'm not, I'm saying that even though the safest amount of people in a house is one, exceptions are made for families and couples, and I don't see why LAT couples are excluded from these exceptions.

There are other exceptions, such as children moving between houses of seperated parents. This exception isn't based on science, like the virus feels sorry for the kids and won't infect both households. It's based on the practical and emotional needs of the children and parents and their relationships, which are considered to be more important than safety concerns in this case.

There are other exceptions, such as children moving between houses of seperated parents. This exception isn't based on science, like the virus feels sorry for the kids and won't infect both households. It's based on the practical and emotional needs of the children and parents and their relationships, which are considered to be more important than safety concerns in this case.

It's like the dogs who can be walked more than once a day, but parents aren't allowed to go for a run themselves and then take toddlers out for a toddle later, because the virus can identify the owners of dogs with little or no outside space.