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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can we talk about not seeing partners during lockdown

324 replies

SenselessUbiquity · 26/04/2020 13:16

I think there was a thread about this, but I can't find it.

I'm struggling. I've lost my job, my ex is an arse, my children are brilliant but tiring. My boyfriend is a kind, funny, interesting man whom I fancy the pants off and seeing him (and being in bed with him) is the one really truly feel-good thing I had in a life that can get pretty tiring and can feel very groundhog day, even back when we were allowed in theory to do all sorts of things.

I'm struggling. It's hard.

Please can I ask: is everyone honestly following the rules? And if you are (we have) are you going to continue to do so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times they extend the lock down?

OP posts:
1300cakes · 27/04/2020 16:04

Exactly PearPickingPorky. People are acting like the rules are based on pure science and they aren't, it's a mix of safety, what's practical, economics and what people will put up with.

To be clear I agree with the child custody exception. I just think LAT couples should also be an exception on similar grounds. And as they aren't I wouldn't judge anyone for breaking the rules in this case.

SomewhereNow · 27/04/2020 20:57

There’s another side to this though, I agree completely that as a secure committed couple who just don’t happen to live together we should be an exception just like kids going between their parents. But as we’re not, if I was to ‘break the rules’ a) what sort of example am I setting to my DD and b) how can I stop her seeing her bf who she’s actually been with longer?

So many grey areas in all this, it’s no wonder people are frustrated.

Mascotte · 27/04/2020 21:00

But that’s a different thing altogether. I’ve been with my partner for three years. Totally committed but not living together because of my children.

Chockablok · 27/04/2020 21:44

But as we’re not, if I was to ‘break the rules’ a) what sort of example am I setting to my DD

A very positive one which shows that you can apply basic logic and possess critical thinking skills

b) how can I stop her seeing her bf who she’s actually been with longer?

Well if she has been with him longer I'm going to assume she is over 18 so you wouldn't stop her, would you? You'd hope by that age she could apply her own logic and critical thinking too?

I'm not trying to be sarcastic or shitty here but the answer in ALL cases is that the rules are blanket and make very little sense based on scientific risks to an individual. IF seeing your partner would significantly increase your risk then you probably shouldn't be doing it. IF the risk is the same, or only very slightly increased, then make a rational decision like an adult human being.

RUSU92 · 28/04/2020 00:10

IF seeing your partner would significantly increase your risk then you probably shouldn't be doing it. IF the risk is the same, or only very slightly increased, then make a rational decision like an adult human being

And conversely, just because there isn’t a rule specifically saying that you shouldn’t be with your other half, some people - eg frontline NHS staff - have used their common sense and isolated away from their families to keep them safe. I do appreciate their sacrifice and in their position I would hope that the greater good would prevail and I would choose not to see my family to protect them. As I’m not in their position and I pose next to no threat to anyone, I’m making an informed decision to do what works best for us.

Original poster
SenselessUbiquity · 28/04/2020 22:05

AGH. It's happening. I was so afraid of this. Communication issues, texting going wrong, Im so upset. I HATE this so much. It would be so easy to fix if I could just see him. I feel like a little corner of crucial comfort is being taken away. So lonely and sad.

OP posts:
Mascotte · 28/04/2020 22:10

@SenselessUbiquity I know it’s so difficult. Anything particular?

Patch23042 · 28/04/2020 22:16

It’s so difficult OP, but lots of people on this thread understand and empathise. You’re not on your own.

Original poster
SenselessUbiquity · 28/04/2020 22:18

I said last night I'd call him this morning, I was too tired to talk properly last night and had had a couple of drinks which made me fuzzy. this morning I didn't call soon enough as he had stuff to be getting on with, but he didn't tell me this, he just got all snippy on text. This evening he watched a show without me that we had planned to watch together and now I am ridiculously upset. I think he is being an arse and I think he is expecting me to have been the one getting in touch and being all soothing and I am feeling really sad and lonely and this is the kind of thing - trivial as it is - that will finish us one day. he can't take criticism and I can't take being put off, feeling that people don't have time for me is such a trigger for me, it makes me panicky and mental.

OP posts:
LostandLockeddown · 28/04/2020 22:19

Ohh @SenselessUbiquity, try not to worry. Might seem a bit rich coming from me, Ms Dumped in lockdown, but let things settle then talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling and that you are finding it hard and ask him to tell you how he's feeling. Google effective communication.

I know all this shit but my ex (hate saying that) just withdrew and has issues with relationships. Well done me for picking him! Hmm

Anyway, hang in there. Don't assume the worst.

Original poster
SenselessUbiquity · 28/04/2020 22:23

thanks. Appreciate the responses.
Panic does bad things. i need to sit tight and not react for now

OP posts:
LostandLockeddown · 28/04/2020 22:27

X posted. Most people can't take criticism. The way to frame it is.. "when you watched the show without me, I felt...", "when I wasn't able to talk to you, I felt upset because...". Recognising that you have triggers which are not his fault helps. But practical suggestions help too. So ask that if he says he'll watch a show with you and it's important to you, that he waits.

On your part, recognise that he may be upset because you didn't ring him in time because you had drinks last night. Yes, you didn't know his plans this morning but you're both feeling the same thing. Worried because you're apart and needing reassurance.

Hope you can work it out. And hope I don't sound like a patronising old cow... Wish i could've have got my own advice to work. Flowers

LostandLockeddown · 28/04/2020 22:28

.. Yes, sleep on it. Talk tomorrow. Snuggle up and watch some shit TV or something. Wink

Original poster
SenselessUbiquity · 28/04/2020 22:30

Thank you, Lost, it's nice of you to be so sympathetic. Flowers

OP posts:
Mascotte · 28/04/2020 22:31

@SenselessUbiquity I’ve had a few times when I’ve really felt abandoned and let down. And I’ve handled them very badly. It’s so bloody difficult. I need to see mine properly and I know it’ll be ok.

sofato5miles · 29/04/2020 04:14

Well, it seems like the lockdown is taking its toll. @SenselessUbiquity try to stay calm and not sweat the small stuff. Everything can get blown out of proportion as the situation is so surreal.

@Mascotte i fully hear you on feeling abadoned. My boyfriend's last message was that he loved me but felt broken. Everything, i mean everything has gone wrong for him. And now, he hasn't even read my last two messages. I didn't hound him, they were sent over the past week.

Patience is a virtue VERY few possess.

Mascotte · 29/04/2020 05:27

Oh, @sofato5miles that sounds hard. 💐 And, yes, this lockdown is having consequences far beyond containing the virus. Maybe things will sort themselves out when you see him?

sofato5miles · 29/04/2020 05:48

He is in Madrid, and i am 7 hours away in a country that is only doing repatriation flights and only citizens allowed to return.

He's lost his job as a pilot, has two small children after being widowed 2 years ago. And two of his friends have died in the past 5 weeks. We are both so international and thought nothing of flying to meet every month before but now....

And we were planning on choosing the country to live in together at the end of this year. When we met we felt like we finally had found someone else who understood our lives and values but what can we do now? I know it has overwhelmed him but if he can't talk to me (proud ex military type), what can I do but wait😪

Mascotte · 29/04/2020 05:54

Oh goodness, what a lot of horrible things to happen all at once. I can see why it’s so hard. I think I’d keep dropping the odd message, just letting him know you’re there for a chat, be it the big or the small stuff? Just something light, if he’s the stiff upper lip type! And hope that you’re able to see him soon.

sofato5miles · 29/04/2020 05:58

@Mascotte Thank you for your kindness. Have been very teary this morning and at a bit of a loss what to do.

If he doesn't read my messages, there is message enough in that. So i will wait a few weeks and see how the travel landscape changes

Mascotte · 29/04/2020 06:03

Waiting is so hard.. (well, for me, I’m impatient and an over thinker 😃) Don’t do anything rash or assume you know what he’s thinking, and things will hopefully get better soon.

sofato5miles · 29/04/2020 06:08

@Mascotte yep another impatient, overthinker here Grin wise words about assumptions..

Yep, waiting is not easy and now will try to do some yoga and i am shit at that too

NoMoreWeepingAndWanking · 29/04/2020 06:29

Another single parent with boyfriend living apart here. Sadly my ex is actually the biggest risk factor since he's still having to go to work and is seeing his girlfriend who won't live with him unless they're married. I have to see him twice a week, have the kids mixing with him... It's the best thing for the kids who are missing their dad, their friends, their grandparents but in a risky assessing way he is by far the biggest risk to us all.

In contrast my boyf is WFH, no kids, staying in his home socially isolating as instructed. If the relationship wasn't so new/I didn't have small children to consider we'd be living together at some point in the future and it's only the children factor that means we didn't move in together for this lockdown.

I wouldn't consider stopping my kids from seeing their dad, but seriously, he's my biggest concern risk-factor-wise

opticaldelusion · 29/04/2020 09:12

I don't blame people for assessing their own risk and making decisions that work for them...

Scenario 1 - separated parents with children moving between the two households. One parent is an NHS front line worker. There are other step-children in one household who are also seeing their NRP.

Scenario 2 - two childless people in a relationship but not living together, although they live in easy walking distance of each other. Both are furloughed and currently spending all their time at home alone apart from a quick walk each day.

Clearly the first scenario carries more risk but it's ok for those households to merge to preserve the relationship between parent and child. The households in the second scenario must stay separate.

Clearly a line has been drawn but that line is drawn by government who are looking at things from a societal perspective, not an individual one. Life's complicated and sometimes what's good from one perspective doesn't work from another.

I think the people in the second scenario should spend time together without feeling guilty if that's what they want. Mental health is important.

opticaldelusion · 29/04/2020 09:14

If people object to my assessment then they must be candid and admit that it's because their priority is following the rules rather than trying to limit the spread of the virus.