Can we talk about not seeing partners during lockdown

[SenselessUbiquity]

I think there was a thread about this, but I can't find it.

I'm struggling. I've lost my job, my ex is an arse, my children are brilliant but tiring. My boyfriend is a kind, funny, interesting man whom I fancy the pants off and seeing him (and being in bed with him) is the one really truly feel-good thing I had in a life that can get pretty tiring and can feel very groundhog day, even back when we were allowed in theory to do all sorts of things.

I'm struggling. It's hard.

Please can I ask: is everyone honestly following the rules? And if you are (we have) are you going to continue to do so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times they extend the lock down?

I haven’t seen my Dh since the first week of January. He works abroad and he was supposed to come home a week before Easter but the flight was cancelled and no flights coming out of the country. My children have been keeping me busy.

We have decided to spend next weekend together. Both wfh, only going out for runs and shopping. My kids are with their dad for a long stint. We can't move in for various good reasons but we are intelligent adults who are capable of making informed decisions on this. The gov is starting to talk about the idea of a 'household' being widened to a group of people, who don't necessarily live in the same house but see only each other, eg close relatives or partners so I see it as something along those lines. No vulnerabilities on either side and we are SDing from our more elderly parents. Its not just 'a few weeks' it could be months and months and my relationship of 4 years is important. Its not just a shag or a cuddle as some seem to imply.

Sticking with the lockdown rules here. It’s hard and I really miss spending time with him. We skype every day.

• not living together as children have been through enough, but now being penalised
• not just a shag or a cuddle, but a committed emotionally sustaining relationship between adults

Exactly. Two different posters made these points but I'm calling them out because they're important.

I am really, really pissed off with the snooty dismissive tone from some posters on this thread (and others). I realise I am conflating different posters so I am not having a go at anyone in particular, but please can we just look at the insanity that:

• some posters are being bollocked for considering meeting the most important person in the world to them;
• while another poster is being bollocked for not dicking about back and forth enough, inconveniencing her and endangering others to exactly the same extent, for the sake of the emotional wellbeing of her fucking cat.

What this juxtaposition shows really clearly is that NONE of this is about the greater good, or any sane view of how we can be considerate and protective of each other. What this is about is a LONGING for some posters to insist at every possible opportunity, YOU DON'T MATTER. YOU COME LAST. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO HAVE SOME COMFORT OR CONVENIENCE. PUT YOURSELF LAST - YES, INCLUDING AFTER THE CAT.

Like other posters, I have had a really shitty few years through no fault of my own, and it's carrying on, as I'm now unemployed and looking for work as we go into the worst depression for a century. I have been fucked over again and again and it just gets fucking worse and worse. The only decent things in my life are my kids and my man, and I can't see him and it really, really REALLY fucking SUCKS. And I'm not going to complain about this to my friends, because some of them are broken hearted not to have kids and some of them don't have a man and don't know how they'll ever meet anyone now, so yeah actually looking at it that way around there is a lot of good stuff in my life and I'm not going to bellyache on in real life. BUT BUT BUT would the prefects PLEASE fucking SHUT THE FUCK UP because there needs to be one corner of th fucking internet that gets it.

I am sticking to the rules, last saw him just before lockdown.

I think I'd have more trouble with my resolve if he hadn't previously had some health issues - I'd be very worried for him if he got it and I could have been the one to give it to him.

I really really really miss the sex. And other stuff.

It's not just the "emotional wellbeing" of her cat, it's things like if the feeder fails, or the water gets spilt/spoilt, or it gets injured. You choose to have a cat, you have a responsibility to it, however hard you press the caps lock button.

Yes it’s so difficult. I don’t think I’ll have a relationship left by the end of it.

Category - as normally I’m out the house 12 hours a day and often at weekends, I have two cat feeders (incase one fails) with wet food, and also a dry food dispenser that goes off gravity, along with a huge gravity water fountain. I have a camera that points at these so I can keep an eye on her.
I also have another indoor camera pointing at her sleeping spot, as when I’m away at DP’s overnight I like to see she’s ok.
I’ve never had such an anti-social cat as her but I do try to give her a cuddle/attention, which she does sometimes appreciate!

I should also point out I got my cat 10 years ago when my life was very very different! I’ve had an awful few years but obviously that’s not her fault. Sadly she’s always been aggressive towards strange people so I could never have considered re-homing her as it would greatly distress her.

I quite agree @category12

Pets are a responsibility we take on by choice and we shouldn’t just abandon them because we are feeling lonely. Everybody who lives alone or apart from family is lonely. We are all making sacrifices. It’s not ok to reduce your own loneliness by moving in with someone else while simultaneously increasing the poor wee cat’s loneliness!

However I’m glad the misunderstanding about the travel to feed the cat has been cleared up and you know you can go over every day OP. Probably quite handy to pick up clothes etc that you need and keep an eye on your house.

But enough about my cat now please?

I’ve not seen my partner properly since Mothers Day, except when he came to fix my fence and bring me flowers when my Mum died.

It annoys that me that people are consistently breaking the rules to suit them yet I have had to deal with the worst time of my life completely alone.

I’ve not seen my bf 6 weeks now. I’ve had my daughter all the time and they’ve not met so I’ve not even considered seeing him. He lives a few miles away so technically his walk or bike ride could take him past mine and we could talk 2m away but I think that would be worse. We’ve decided we want to do this properly and wait. That said I think at least 20/30% of people are seeing bf / gf / family / friends in their homes

DH had caring responsibilities that meant he had to make a choice: look after his gran or stay with me and our two cats. Definitely the right thing for him to look after his gran as she has no-one else (tricky care situation, long story) right now.

I miss him but tbh also making the most of life and extra room while he isn't here.

Also a great believer in "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Not even the slightest thought on either side about breaking lockdown tbh. Yes, I miss the sex and the hugs but we speak every day and send each other small presents and that is lovely so far.

Ask me again in 4 months though if the situation hasn't changed

Lostandlockeddown I'm really sorry, it must be awful for you right now

Senseless thank god you said that! I couldn't move in with my partner as we both have children and there just isn't the room for 5 in a 2 bed maisonette! It doesn't make our relationship any less important due to that, sick of seeing this attitude that if you didn't move in with them it's obviously not serious

I'm more than happy to leave your cat alone at this point, Harriet, it sounds like she would prefer it.

I’ll be honest - we’re not sticking to it anymore and I don’t care if I get flamed. We’ve made a conscious decision to see each other because the alternative was pointless and bringing me down. I have suffered with depression and anxiety in the past, and his presence makes me feel calmer and happier.

We’ve considered moving in together several times over the years, but to give our respective DCs continuity and their own space, we’ve always decided against it. Had we been selfish and put our wishes we’d be living together now, in one big house. So I won’t have it said that we’re putting ourselves above others now.

As it stands we live in two separate houses. He’s WFH so not seeing anyone. I already WFH no change here. DCs are not seeing their dad as he’s abroad. His DCs are seeing their mum, as is allowed. None of us are high risk and when his ex showed CV symptoms early on, they all stayed apart for several weeks and we didn’t see each other for the first two weeks of lockdown.

It came to a head when I found a breast lump and had to go to hospital. Both his DM and my DM died of breast cancer and he didn’t want me to have to deal with that on my own, so he insisted he was going to come over the night before and take me to my appointment. (Thankfully it was just a cyst). After that we just carried on once a week seeing each other (as long as nobody is showing any symptoms etc of course) because as far as we’re concerned our two homes are one self contained bubble.

I happen to think the whole lockdown thing is a massive over-reaction and that only vulnerable people should have shielded, so I’m not being hypocritical thinking our situation is special.

My DS is in his 20s, suffers massively with anxiety, (highly suspect ASD but he’s never wanted a diagnosis) and he’s really struggling with no work and no contact with his GF (she and her family are all frontline and so they’re respecting the rules) My DCs won’t get to see their dad, but can now spend time with my DP, which they all enjoy, as he brings a little bit of sunshine into our lives - this is yet another reason why I won’t feel guilty for this.

@Glitterb so sorry to hear about your Mum

it's so tricky. I love my children, they are not a difficult age, they are basically great company but having dependents around all the time really starts to grind my gears. Everything is so messy all the time! Small things do my head in - like being whined at by dd1 when she manages a trick that I didn't see because I was daring to look somewhere else with my eyes at the time, actually doing something I had decided to do

And yes, so much this! I love my DCs but being asked what’s for lunch/dinner/snack several times a day by one fussy eater, one vegetarian and one health nut, is doing my head in!! I’m used to being totally alone all day when they’re at school/work and just having people around 24/7 for an introvert is difficult. Extroverts struggling with the lack of social contact don’t want to hear that anyone is struggling with no me-time!

I can’t imagine that it’d be like to only have kids about and no adult company! Must be difficult.

I’m normally an introvert, love spending time on my own, have been on holidays on my own etc. But after 5 weeks of just me, I have cracked!

@SenselessUbiquity it seems there are a few of us in the same boat on this thread.

I’m a responsible person and parent. But I’m not prepared to go on suffering without the person who’s my love and comfort and sanity! It’s not fair.

I think it complies with the bubble thing and the spirit of the law. We could shack up together and that would be ok in law, but absolutely no different in disease spreading. So I’m feeling no guilt and can’t bloody wait to see him.

@RUSU92 I couldn't agree more with what you are saying.

The only reason me and DP live apart is because the differences in age and sex of our children would mean we'd need a 5 bed house to fit us all in. There aren't any two who could reasonably share (and we see no real need to force them). With work / other parents / sleepovers we saw eachother in one form or another 5 nights a week. We just lived in two houses.

But technically speaking we could have all been living together in one unit if we'd had a lottery win 4 years ago.

It does feel a bit non-sensical to me.

I have only seen him 2m away in the garden, and the couple of times we did it lifted my mood X100.

We've decided to give it until the beginning of next month and if there are no hints from the government about this "bubble" thing then we'll just start staying over like we always did.

We're both working from home.

@HarrietOh I think he is genuinely worried because his job is not very social distanced at all unfortunately. He doesn’t say much which doesn’t help, I know he loves and misses me but sometimes you just need to hear it don’t you?

I’m surprised People say their bf is the most important person in the world to them. What about kids, parents and life long friends ?

@SomewhereNow you do. I guess it’s harder when you’re not seeing each other in person and he’s the type to not “speak” his feelings but maybe “show” them instead?