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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can we talk about not seeing partners during lockdown

324 replies

SenselessUbiquity · 26/04/2020 13:16

I think there was a thread about this, but I can't find it.

I'm struggling. I've lost my job, my ex is an arse, my children are brilliant but tiring. My boyfriend is a kind, funny, interesting man whom I fancy the pants off and seeing him (and being in bed with him) is the one really truly feel-good thing I had in a life that can get pretty tiring and can feel very groundhog day, even back when we were allowed in theory to do all sorts of things.

I'm struggling. It's hard.

Please can I ask: is everyone honestly following the rules? And if you are (we have) are you going to continue to do so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times they extend the lock down?

OP posts:
Mascotte · 26/04/2020 22:37

My child lives with me. And my “bf” is the love of my life.

Mascotte · 26/04/2020 22:50

Actually what @Jane1978xx says is exactly the dismissive attitude we are all fed up with @SenselessUbiquity

RUSU92 · 26/04/2020 22:50

What about kids, parents and life long friends ?

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous and disingenuous. Nobody actually thinks their partner is more important than their DCs - most of us have said the absolute opposite - that if it weren’t for our DCs we’d be living with our BF but our DCs ARE more important. That doesn’t mean we can’t miss our DP/BF FFs.

As for parents, mine are both dead thanks for asking, and I’m not that close to siblings, don’t have any ’life long’ friends either. Those friends I do have, I’m happy to speak to on messenger/phone once every couple of weeks most of the time and I’m whatsapping those I see regularly, and having the odd doorstep chat with those I live close to when we drop off food for each other etc so this is not really too different from normal.

Obviously I miss the odd (maybe monthly) meet up for a coffee...

... but not as much as I miss the daily contact I would usually have with my ’BF’ of 8 years, when we would go for lunch together several times a week, cuddle up and watch TV together in the evenings, he gives me a foot rub or a shoulder massage, we kiss while we’re making dinner, we have sex and snuggle up in bed etc at night several times a week.

Obviously it’s a much more intense and physical relationship than any other - my teen DCs included. And that’s what makes it hard to be without.

If I still had my mum and dad alive would I want to see them, of course. But I wouldn’t be physically missing them as I did when I went away to Brownie camp as a kid! Funnily enough I grew out of needing to see my mum every day when I went to Uni, otherwise it would have been a very difficult 3 years!

Mascotte · 26/04/2020 22:52

@RUSU92 perfectly put. Thank you

nex18 · 26/04/2020 22:57

Yes it’s absolutely horrible being kept apart from the one person I need the most during this stressful time. In fact it’s cruel and I agree with the feeling of being punished for not living together (due to practicalities such as the lack of lottery win that sapphyr mentioned).

nex18 · 26/04/2020 23:05

Exactly @RUSU92 and as much as my teens come for a hug if they need it, they’re not there to listen to my worries and comfort me and definitely shouldn’t be.

Patch23042 · 26/04/2020 23:11

It’s the inconsistencies that are bugging people now I think. People are being denied the chance to wfh on spurious grounds, B & Q is open but garden centres can’t be, you mustn’t sit 2m from your friend in her garden but you can see her in the queue in Sainsbury’s. It’s not surprising that people are making their own judgments and risk assessments.

And yes, missing a partner is nothing like missing your parent or your best mate from primary school, as if that needs saying.

RUSU92 · 26/04/2020 23:44

B & Q is open but garden centres can’t be, you mustn’t sit 2m from your friend in her garden but you can see her in the queue in Sainsbury’s

Exactly - we’ve ended up like Handmaids Tale, considering trying to meet at a shop and have a surreptitious chat!

DP ended up placing an order on my website so that I could legitimately drive to his house with it - we had a weird socially distant chat on his doorstep and it felt like we’d had an argument as we couldn’t hug or kiss. Almost made it worse! That’s when I realised it was stupid that I could see other people, neighbours, total strangers, and chat to them from 2m away but apparently I wasn’t supposed to do the same with someone who is - to all intents and purposes - my spouse! The rules were made to be simple and apply to most circumstances. There’s no way that anyone would think that partners of many years who are both working at home should be kept apart. It’s just that it couldn’t account for every specific eventuality, and someone would then say “but my best friend/sister/mum is like a partner to me” etc and there would be no end.

I think I’m circumstances like the previous poster who lost her mum (sorry, don’t want to scroll back in case my phone signs me out mid post Flowers ) that’s exactly the sort of situation where no decent person would judge you for seeing your DP.

SenselessUbiquity · 27/04/2020 00:29

Given that those of us who have children all seem to be living with them, so their presence is a given, I wonder who Jane1978xx thinks should be the most important person to us, if not the romantic partner? Perhaps she thinks that women are all grudgingly forced into reluctant physical relationships with inarticulate male specimens allocated by lottery, lie back on a striped flannelette sheet and think of England on a weekly basis, and are thrilled to bits to be temporarily relieved of that duty.

I mean, if there is someone you regularly share a bed with, in fact share your body with, then you've either chosen someone pretty special who has become more special still over time; or you're living a pretty miserable life

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 27/04/2020 00:49

It's not just adults who are feeling it (btw anyone who wants to be judgemental or spit the old "their too young" BS can sod off.

My lad is year 11 and turns 16 in 2 weeks.He's been with his GF since last June,their both pretty mature level headed kids and his GF is a lovely girl.They spend most weekends together;we alternate with her parents;he stays in their spare room one weekend and she stays in my daughters bedroom the other weekend (we don't have a spare room).We live an hours drive from my sons GF so it's more practical.

They've not seen each since March 15th.My lads missed her 16th birthday as we're in lockdown and it's very likely she'll miss his too.

The situation is stressful for both of them and their missing each other like crazy.

Sapphyr · 27/04/2020 01:14

It’s the inconsistencies that are bugging people now I think. People are being denied the chance to wfh on spurious grounds, B & Q is open but garden centres can’t be, you mustn’t sit 2m from your friend in her garden but you can see her in the queue in Sainsbury’s. It’s not surprising that people are making their own judgments and risk assessments.

Precisely.

And I will even go one step further because I think it will eventually have to be said.

Posters like @Elieza with inflammatory statements such as "we are at war with a killer virus" and "if you do it we will be in lockdown longer".....

If that was really the case, if two single people (and I do mean two, a couple, not an extended family) hugging and kissing are really such a factor in this war, then why aren't we forcing partners and spouses who live together to sleep on the couch, to keep to separate rooms, to keep 2m away from each other at all times? Why are they allowed to travel in a car with one another?

Countless reasons why, really.

A) Because there would be an outrage, no doubt.
B) Because it's completely impractical, you can't police what two people do in their own relationships in their own homes
C) Because it's completely over the top and unnecessary
D) Because humans are generally a species who have partners and relationships, and have done for 1000s of years, and it's widely accepted
E) Because it doesn't actually make that much difference if you isolate as a group of 3 + 2 people or a group of 5 people. In fact, the risk could be less to the group of 5 people if only one of them is venturing out.
F) Because this is a virus and we are not criminals in prison
G) Because this virus is not going away. The measures must be sustainable.

I could go on but I fear I'm getting boring.

My point is though, why is it any different if a family unit isolates themselves (with the allowed exercise and essential shopping) under one roof or under two roofs?

It is the same group of people we are talking about.

RUSU92 · 27/04/2020 02:11

I wonder who Jane1978xx thinks should be the most important person to us, if not the romantic partner?

Apparently our lifelong friends! I don’t know about you, but when lockdown is over, I’m planning to spend thousands of pounds on a ceremony to stand up in front of all our friends and family and make a legal declaration about how much I love and care for my old school chums.

mummillion · 27/04/2020 04:12

I think a lot of us are in the same boat: single parents with dc at home. It's difficult for those not in this situation to fathom why we rely on romantic relationships so much for support and sanity, in a way that we can't with parents and friends.

PearPickingPorky · 27/04/2020 05:38

I'm not in this position myself, just happened upon the thread, but I completely agree with OP and others. Some people seem to be getting some sort of kick out of punishing those whose family setup isn't as 'pure as theirs. And you're right about the inconsistencies, and that logically it's no more of a risk for two self-contained bubbles to mix together. And good point about the cat's "emotional needs" OP.

Merlotmum85 · 27/04/2020 06:11

This has propelled us to reasess our living situation - there is no way we are being apart again if there is another lockdown in the autumn. We probably would have stayed LAT for longer otherwise.

SomewhereNow · 27/04/2020 06:42

I completely agree about feeling like we’re being punished for the crime of putting our kids first and there’s definitely a feeling of it not being that serious/committed if you don’t live together which annoys the hell out of me.

dollface19 · 27/04/2020 06:51

Is he local ? He can walk to your house and wave from a far? As part of his exercise?

Eesha · 27/04/2020 07:04

Interesting thread, especially @SomewhereNow and your point about punished for putting your kids first and not living together.

I have no partner myself but have small children and I would never expect to live with any one soon either. But this has made me think. Pp is right, measures have to be sustainable in the long run. I agree with the situation for vulnerable people but actually kids will be back at school soon enough. I hope you all work out ways to see your partners somehow through this.

Movinghouse2015 · 27/04/2020 07:24

I've also not seen my partner since lockdown started. Similar situation to others on here. We have been dating two years, both my DC like him and he does stay over when they are here now, but we made the decision that it would not be fair on them for us to lockdown together. It's very different staying over the odd night, when we are all coming and going as we please.

We would be at the stage where we would be considering living together, but we would be hit by the impact it would have on my kids student finance (DS at uni, DD due to go next year). My ex is free to do what he wants, with little or no impact on our DC, however, I have to consider how my actions will impact on them and what pressure that would put on a new relationship (financial pressure in regards to student finance).

I've really struggled this last few weeks, I had not realised how much I'd started to rely on my partner for emotional support. I really miss having physical contact with him. We FaceTime regularly, but it's not the same.

We are both observing the social distancing rules. We are both working from home. So for him to come to me or vice versa, would probably be limited risk.

HugeAckmansWife · 27/04/2020 07:30

dollface but what would be the point of that? What we're talking about is the actual closeness of a relationship, not a chat over a fence. I absolutely agree that long term relationships that are not cohabitees are seen as 'less' and there have been numerous sneery threads about this recently, even pre CV. Like others, my dp and I choose not to cohabit because of children, blended families issues and because we both got badly burnt by our exs. I am now v protective of my independence and will not be put in a position again where I or my kids might lose their home if someone stops wanting to shag me. So we live apart but we are committed. Would you think a husband and wife would be OK with 'waving from afar'?

Fireandflames666 · 27/04/2020 07:30

I haven't seen my boyfriend for five weeks now and it's going to be for a while Ionger as well. I know we have calls, video and messaging but it's not the same.

sofato5miles · 27/04/2020 07:46

There is also an assumption that, oh well, if this relationship doesn't work you can just go out and find another one. Hmm

MarieQueenofScots · 27/04/2020 07:52

No I’m not seeing the guy I’m fucking.

I’m also not seeing my parents who I see several times a week in normal times because I don’t think my needs are special enough to require a dispensation. I’m more interested in keeping people safe.

Sapphyr · 27/04/2020 08:30

There is also an assumption that, oh well, if this relationship doesn't work you can just go out and find another one.

Why would anybody assume that Confused

From the actual content of the actual posts, I think it's safe to say that we're not talking about people we met on Tinder 2 weeks before the lockdown.

Very bitchy that you would jump to that assumption.

Do you also assume that all husbands and wives across the country carry this same risk of going out to find another one if their relationship breaks down? If so, why are allowing any couples near each other? Genuine question.

AlternativePerspective · 27/04/2020 08:31

Agreed re the tone applied to people who don’t live together.I’ve seen posts along the lines of “if you don’t live together then he’s not your partner he’s your boyfriend,and even whole threads devoted to the topic of people’s irritation at others daring to call boyfriends partners...

I’ve been with my DP for seven years. He doesn’t work locally and his job is in a very niche industry so is not easily moved,added to which I have a teenager who lives with me but who is at school here, dad is here etc so moving was never on the cards for me.Added to which I now have a life-limiting heart condition which means I don’t want to move away from my current hospital care and start again somewhere else.

And yet someone can meet someone tomorrow,move them in within six months and declare their relationship more worthy than mine? I think not.

And definitely the tone on if the relationship ends then ah well. To the extent I have even wondered whether I should feel some obligation to end this relationship so that DP can find someone else who is more available and less restricted.

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