Can we talk about not seeing partners during lockdown

[SenselessUbiquity]

I think there was a thread about this, but I can't find it.

I'm struggling. I've lost my job, my ex is an arse, my children are brilliant but tiring. My boyfriend is a kind, funny, interesting man whom I fancy the pants off and seeing him (and being in bed with him) is the one really truly feel-good thing I had in a life that can get pretty tiring and can feel very groundhog day, even back when we were allowed in theory to do all sorts of things.

I'm struggling. It's hard.

Please can I ask: is everyone honestly following the rules? And if you are (we have) are you going to continue to do so, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times they extend the lock down?

Yes Venusflytart - if one more work colleague or friend says I’m “soooo lucky” to be on my own I’ll go mad! They’re at home with partner and kids, having “family times” in garden and on walks etc. I haven’t spoke to another person in person in over 5 weeks.

Trumpspeach that’s what I’ve been telling myself so far but with no hint from government at what they might even possibly allow soon it gives me no hope of when being alone will end.

Harriet my colleagues are not that thoughtless, thankfully (but I think they don't know I am actually alone all the time as I don't tend to share that much personal information. Have you not spoken to any neighbours or even people in the supermarket queue at all? I mean, we should probably all take what social contact we can get. ;-)

I am spending a lot of time during the week on Teams calls with anxious students, and they are exhausting. I don't find zoom social calls all that relaxing, so I tend to avoid those as well. And my man and I tend to be good at playing hermit, so we basically are on rather low contact to make the time pass faster. I mean, if you spend all day reminding each other about sex and hugs and being together time moves even slower.

I literally think a lot of colleagues just don’t think sometimes!
My friend has told me to just move in with him and keep popping back for my cat, especially now that everyone is driving about to b&q etc. In my house the street is right by my window and today I’ve sat watching neighbours adult children and grand kids pull up in cars for chats at end of gardens. So I start wondering if I’m being too harsh on myself enforcing being alone!

See this particular topic I'm struggling with. I love with DS and DH so although there's cabin fever, I have my immediate people with me.

DF is a critical care nurse dealing with covid patients on the front line. She lives alone. She has her BF to stay when she has a couple of days off work, has been to her DPs for a bbq this week and visited her DB. Her Bf also lives with a couple of people and they have had their GFs to stay often.

Surely seeing the effects she should be safer but then also because she's seeing the effects she needs support/a form of normalisation.

I don't know where I stand with my opinion not that I have the right to one.

Looking after an animal isn't non-essential. This could go on for weeks. It's not fair on the cat. You can't just do what's convenient to you.

I know that - so therefore I can drive back to check in on her. Because that’s essential. So is my mental health right now! Easier for people who aren’t completely on her own right now to say otherwise.

@GloriaMaximus

No offence to you, but your friend is an idiot and somebody should report her.

I'm not arguing you shouldn't go be with your bloke, Harriet - you just need to visit your cat more than every three days.

It's six weeks since I saw my boyfriend. And it's so hard. We talk every day but that's such a long time to go without a hug.

My elderly parents live with me and are vulnerable. My boyfriend has medical conditions which make him vulnerable too. We're neither of us going to be coming out of this lockdown any time soon.

It's like a long distance relationship that neither of us signed up for.

I’d visit her everyday! Just worried that’s not allowed. Which is why I stayed put on announcement day. But now I see you can drive to exercise if longer than drive, drive to b&q, drive to visit relatives for end of garden chats, so I didn’t know i would be ok to check on my cat and house. So confusing with all the differing guidelines.
Sorry. I am cracking up a bit today I held it together so well for the first few weeks but with no end in sight it’s so tough.

It's bloody hard . We nearly caved this weekend . My dc went to their dd and bf is only 10 mins up the road , both only been to shops . Seems very low risk , but we both agreed to stick to the rules and as much as we miss each other it was the right choice . In the meantime we FaceTime a lot . In fact we spend more time together/apart than we normally do together. It's doable but I think it's the not knowing when we will see each other again that's the hardest .

Agree. If they gave people an idea it would help! I’m jealous of people who at least have DC, but I can see why you’d also equally be desperate for adult company.

@whatis. Why would I take offence??

I see this reporting a lot on here but I don't actual know what I would gain by doing that.

What even is the outcome of 'reporting'?

Gosh. I wanted to talk to people about their experiences of separated, non-live-in love, not witness self-appointed prefects on the one hand bollocking people for imagined future rule-breaking, or the encouragement of the same; on the other, for supposed cat-neglect.

(On the cat thing: let me get this straight. the cat is being fed, and its needs are being met; so I guess the concern is that it might be emotionally disturbed by being alone too much. But - the same compassion for feelings can't be applied to humans? Because that would be irresponsible? Bloody hell, you people.)

Anyone who has piled onto this thread to shout at people, please, in the nicest possible way, do fuck off.

It's 6 weeks today since I saw my man and I absolutely bloody hate it. No I'm not sneaking round, no I'm not going to, but please can I just have a wallow in peace with kindred spirits without all this fucking Miss Trunchbull style spittle-flecked outrage? thanks so much.

I’m wfh with teen DD and I couldn’t wish for any better to be with. But I miss my OH so much and am sometimes desperate for a bit of adult company (as I know she misses people her own age too).

We talk or text every day but the lack of physical contact - not even sex, just a hug - is really hard and the fact I know people who have said sod it and are seeing their partners just makes it worse. DP won’t consider it because he’s still working, he’s right and I respect his opinion but it’s difficult not to feel that he’s not that bothered especially when other people’s partners are so desperate to see them.

Senseless - thank you, I needed that. I think sometimes people struggle to put themselves in other shoes.
SomewhereNow - is your DP just very worried about potentially passing this onto you and your DD with him going out to work, so being very strict which is good, but maybe it comes across as he’s not bothered? Does he say he misses you?

But - the same compassion for feelings can't be applied to humans? Because that would be irresponsible?

What are you on about? Harriet was initially saying she was going to see the cat a couple of times a week. That's not alright and I think a misunderstanding of the rules to think she would be restricted from going back to see the cat more often. Of course I have compassion for humans separated from their partners. I am one. But that doesn't make it ok to give sub-optimal care to your dependent pet. If that makes me cat-policing prefect that should fuck off from your thread, that's your opinion, but I'll post how I see fit.

I feel for everyone in this situation. Seems so hard to see others with their partners. I started my own thread a few weeks ago about this. Sadly my relationship hasn't made it through so I don't even have him on the other side of this. And no friends to hug me when I'm heartbroken. This thing fucking sucks.

I'm sorry, LostandLockeddown. that is basically my biggest fear - that the relationship won't make it. In the past there have been times when we've got into some kind of snippy row caused by frustration, tiredness, weird communication hindered by not being able to see each other, and I am afraid something like that might go very badly wrong. I'm sorry your relationship didn't make it and I hope that maybe you'll get the chance to try again when things are closer to normal.

the thing about whether it's harder with or without children - it's so tricky. I love my children, they are not a difficult age, they are basically great company but having dependents around all the time really starts to grind my gears. Everything is so messy all the time! Small things do my head in - like being whined at by dd1 when she manages a trick that I didn't see because I was daring to look somewhere else with my eyes at the time, actually doing something I had decided to do, instead of fixing my eyes on her constantly in case she managed it. She didn't even ask me to look! She just told me off afterwards because I wasn't looking! the state I am in at the moment, that made me want to shout at her and then burst into tears.

@HarrietOh surely it's easier if he just moves in with you, so the cat is ok? Or have I missed something? (Possible, I'm a cozy cow at times )

Spuds - he’s got a dog! A lovely dog but wouldn’t get along with a cat at all, and my cat hates everyone and everything

Ahhhh ok, fair enough!

@SenselessUbiquity I totally get your point. Very similar circumstances and I don’t live with my lovely man because my DCs had been through enough: responsible, I thought, but now I feel penalised.

I’ve got my life back together after a horrible time. My man is lovely, but again we have the difficulties that come with being apart and messaging and missing each other so damn much.

We each are obeying all the rules and rarely venture out.

We’ve decided to see each other next weekend as this is just too difficult and the risk is minimal. The virus will be there when lockdown ends anyway.

Have you both been keeping to lockdown. Do either if you have to leave home to work. How about your ex. Are you swapping kids around.The govt rules are broad brush and designed to reduce the risk of transmission. Take a sensible look at your risk factors and decide for yourself. Then dont go telling people or mumsnet if you do meet.