Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

No he's failed at being a supportive husband to you at an incredibly difficult and vulnerable time for any new mother, let alone one suffering from anxiety.

That's unfair pog. It's clear that OP's anxiety is very serious and that is incredibly hard for a partner to deal with.

polly I think focusing on what kind of wife you are is not the important thing right now. Firstly, you need to manage your mental health as well as you can. Do what you can to help as much support with it as possible. Secondly, you focus on co-parenting effectively. It is very important to do a good job of that. You will have decades of co-parenting regardless of the relationship with you DH, and so setting that up in a healthy way is really important.

So the minute it gets hard for him he shows you his true colours. You haven't failed him, he has failed you.

You've just had a baby so your hormones are meant to be whack. Add the fact that you are normally stressed and the current times...its only natural you have anxiety.

If this was two years from now and you were still the same and refused any gp help then I would fully understand your husband wanting out. As is, nah. He is a shit. You arent babying him right now because you have other needs and he us throwing his toys out of the pram in a strop.

You're better off without him. Let him go. And see your gp when pos.

Look after yourself, take some me time. Maybe look up breathing exercises/yoga/mindfulness ect. And stop watching the news.

Sorry to hearOP

See you GP,you need to see if it anxiety or one on top.
Whatever it is you need help to get you through this.Aslso tell them about you husband so that they understand you have no support.
And you are not responsible for your husband's happiness or his crappy attitude.

Oh darling, you'll get through this.

There is light at the end of ther tunnel. I have been there in terms of needing CBT for my OCD. It helped me tremendously and I can attest to the fact that the gradual exposure although initially terrifying is soo worth sticking with.

You deserve to be with someone supportive.

Maybe right now you need to focus on you and your sweet LO. You don't need someone making you feel bad when he should be being supportive.

To those suggesting OPs husband isn't supportive, she clearly says he has supported her for the past 12 years. OPs anxiety has ramped up to another level. He's had enough, which he's perfectly entitled to do. Living with someone suffering from severe anxiety can be a massive drain on a person. Concentrate on getting help for yourself OP and let your husband do what he needs to do for him

Have you actually managed to get the CBT?
The thing is that extreme anxiety IS unreasonable. Not that you want to feel like that but it’s not a normal and healthy response.
You need to focus on the things that will see you out of the anxiety and not the anxiety itself.

I don't think you should beg him to come back, but (assuming there is no one else on the scene) could you suggest you have a bit of a break, try to sort your head out and suggests he does the same and maybe see how you both feel in a few weeks. Explain you do love him.
You may both be happier apart or both miss each other and could get back together after a bit of a break.

@kayakingmum

How’s that going to work ? They have a young baby - how are they going to parent her 50:50 right now ?

Surely you are not suggesting that her DH has 2 weeks to himself and she cares for her baby alone 24/7 and that will be a break for the OP?

I want to add that as others have since commented he has been supportive but it's become unbearable for him (sorry I didn't properly consider this) and I can see both of your sides. There are no bad guys here.

Have you actually had any CBT yet?

Either way you need to go back to your GP and try and do something to proactively manage your anxiety.

I've found hypnosis really helpful in the past. Have you tried any of the apps like Calm, Headspace, etc?

Life is like a pressure cooker for lots of people at the moment - dealing with a newborn baby, covid and all it's associated financial, social, health worries, and living with and trying to support someone with extreme anxiety must be taking its toll on your DH too - maybe he needs to see his GP for some support too.

There are no bad guys here.

In order to move forward, I think it's really important to see it like this. Sad as it is, not everyone can deal with a partner's serious mental health issues.

What have you done to learn to manage your anxiety? You've had this anxiety for years and years. Have you seen a therapist or a doctor? Have you tried medication? Perhaps you've used your husband as your therapist, and after 12 years, he just can't take it anymore.

Have you considered that while you did have anxiety before that having that and having a new baby and then the pandemic has possibly triggered pnd?

I think you should probably see the gp and get some support. I know you probably don't want to but you have to be strong enough to look after you and your baby and to do that you might need a little help and that is ok!

The first few months/1st year of a new baby is the hardest on a relationship!
He should be supportive and definitely not shouting, if you were ill in another way would it be ok to shout etc no! He should be helping you so you can help yourself not adding more shit on top so you feel completely overwhelmed.
But and I mean this very kindly you have to be responsible for your health and wellbeing too, anxiety can be hugely destructive and debilitating which makes getting help all the harder but you have to try to force yourself to get some support so you can relieve some of the symptoms and hopefully then you will feel a bit better and more able to face the next few steps.

As for if you both will last as a couple, well I can't say, you both might not want to or you might start coming together and he may realise you needed him but for now you must focus on you because you are important.

Yes. Not everyone can cope with an incredibly anxious spouse/partner although I think he is being a right tit to spiral your anxiety at a time like this, of course you are anxious- most of us are. I think the best thing to do is let him go and stay friends, keep it civil and try and cope with it on your own, his anxiety around your anxiety may be making you worse, reassess again in 4 months say.

Anxiety does not disappear after childbirth in fact it can get much worse in the perinatal period and first year post birth.

You and your husband may find reading up on anxiety after having a baby helps you come up with coping strategies for each other. It is hardd both for the sufferer and the partner.

There are ways through and being informed will help.

OP i have been where you are. You absolutely need to reach out for help. It is very common to feel anxiety after birth. Your hormones are all over the place, you have the huge responsibility of another human life. On top of that we find ourselves with unprecedented levels of uncertainty.

Talk to your midwife and GP as a matter of urgency.

I found mysrlf in exactly the same position after dd2. After 15 years together my DP couldn't cope with me anymore. We got through it and DD is 14 now. I'm not gonna lie and say how it made our relationship stronger. In ways it has but DP literally slams down the shutters on any anxiety and it's difficult. I have seen him at the edge when my anxiety has gone to irrational levels. It really takes a toll on partner's so I'm not going to berate your dh for being unsupportive. How many times can you reassure someone that they are ok, present them with all the evidence for them not to believe you, not believe the Dr. And when they do it settles for a while and they fixate on something new?

Don't do what I did and wait until you hit crisis point to seek help. My DD was two years old before my Dr intervened because i was hysterical - because i noticed I have tonsils !!! I have a medical background I should know better.

Seek help , this will take the pressure off your partner, give him head space and ask for the same.

Now is not the time for life changing decisions, if he is a decent person he'll give you time.

I'm not saying that he is not entitled to not feel able to cope either though just that there are ways for him to be honest about that without heaping more on top when you clearly aren't coping.

Do you just have too much imagination? Can you not control your mind with ''what ifs..'' about things that may not happen? We only die once!

@Wolfiefan yes I’m currently having CBT.
It’s an hour session each week over the phone.

Really sorry to hear what you're going through OP. I would echo what others are saying about going back to your GP. What happened with the CBT.

There are also antidepressants that can work very well for some people with the sort of anxiety and low mood you are describing so maybe that is alsoe worth a conversation with your GP if that hasn't been considered already.

@Aquamarine1029
I’ve had CBT In the past and did self help
too.
Over the years it’s been manageable. It’s only over the last 12 months it’s becoming hard to manage much harder than ever before :(

@tara66 it’s not really a case off too much imagination.
It’s intense worry, panic, fear. Mainly health anxiety but generally I’m anxious about most things and I do struggle to be rational at times.

How does your anxiety manifest? How do you behave and does it take up most of the day to deal with?