Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

I take an inhaler for asthma. I’m no more addicted to the fluoxetine than I am to the inhaler. That’s not how it works. It’s not a happy pill. It corrects what needs correcting. Happy to stay on it.

OP how can a course of medication be worse than what you’re going through now?

It’s your choice but you probably should seek help from your gp and be open to different methods to control your anxiety.

I’m sorry to hear about your illness. But you need to accept treatment. It’s not fair on your husband , I can see why he feels resentful.

You function well at work, you go out and socialise and are great. Then you come home , fall apart and he has to spend hours dealing with all your anxieties.

All just so you don’t have to take meds.

He must feel that everyone else gets the fun and happy @polly0809 and he gets to be your personal unPaid therapist . It’s not fair.

But if you had a physical illness such as a chest infection you would take antibiotics. If you broke your leg you would take large amounts of pain relief. Anxiety is no difference just because you can’t see it. It’s massively affecting yours and your DH’s life and will affect your DDs life if you don’t treat it.

As a pp said, ‘would you rather be medicated, happy and married, or unmedicated, miserable and divorced?’

I was never addicted to my anti depressants and weaned off them with the help of my GP really quite easily. Taking them was a very positive experience.

I take drugs every single day and will do for the rest of my life. So does my DP. I have thyroid disease and he has hypertension.

It never occurred to me for a minute to worry about being dependent on medication to be happy and healthy. I’m just grateful for the NHS and scientists who have developed these drugs.

I can’t imagine choosing to be unwell for 12 days let alone 12 years ( off and on ) just so I can take some sort of moral high ground about not taking drugs. Fuck that! I’d rather have my life.

Do you really take no meds at all OP? Didn’t you take folic acid or iron tablets when you were PG ? Have you never been on the pill? Didn’t you take gas and air when you were in labour ? Do you never take pain killers?

What if you had a dental abscess or infection? Would you just be in terrible pain or die rather than take antibiotics ?

I could have written your last post OP. I didn't want to go on medication either and I gave the same reasons. Actually, deep down I was convinced that if I "numbed" my anxiety and was no longer on high alert then the things I was anxious about would happen because I wouldn't be primed to prevent them. If I hadn't had PND I don't think I would have agreed to medication. But I did and I'm so glad because my life is infinitely better and none of the things I used to be anxious about have ever happened!

Also I weaned down from the maximum dose to the minimum dose over time with absolutely no side effects whatsoever.

I'm. so sorry. I also suffer from horrible anxiety and it definitely puts a strain on the marriage when I am in one of my depressive episodes.

Completely OT but opaljewel can I just say thankyou for your post.
I checked out Rasa's meditations and they are beautiful! Her voice is lovely and so soothing. Normally i don't like guided meditation but I was able to really follow hers

Oh and by the way I'm no hippie. I've taken ssris on and off for years. But they stopped helping so I went off, was no different, and then got the alpha stim. Prozac saved me 14 years ago but sadly it makes me fall over and kills my ability to have sex. The others make me eat carbs and I suspect a bit more clumsy. But the real problem is that they don't work forever.

Oh and the others are correct. Ssris are not happy pills or addictive. They are highly effective meds that save lives. But I will say my alpha stim has transformed my sleep. I've managed to run the batteries down which is why I'm still up but I'm going to find some more RIGHT NOW. Because sleep is crucial

@NotMyNigel of course I take medication.
I don’t recall saying I didn’t?!

I just stated that my preference is not to take anti depressants.

But why?
That’s like me saying I have asthma but prefer not to take an inhaler?
Medication may or may not help. But if you can find the right one then it may be life changing.
I can’t see why you wouldn’t at least try.

Very few people enjoy taking meds. Most would prefer not to do it. But it’s better than the alternative - being unwell or dead.

I have 3 kids so I can’t afford the high moral principle of not being reliant on meds. I want to be healthy for them as well as for me.

Your current coping style is one hour CBT, however many hours of unpaid therapy from your husband and no meds.

But your main therapist has quit, he’s had enough. So you need to find another willing to work his hours for his pay or try another strategy.

Do you think it’s possible that you are struggling to be rational about this?

I just stated that my preference is not to take anti depressants

But this preference isn’t helping you or your marriage.

I used to work with a girl years ago.
She suffered very badly with depression.
She was medicated.

I always remember her trying to come off of them and whenever she did, her mental state became much worse she she had to go back on them.

It frightens me that I will always need a pill and I’ll never overcome this. What if the pill just numbs me? I might not feel anxious anymore, but what if I just don’t feel anything?!
That’s not what I want.

The CBT isn’t just 1 hour a week and that’s it. There is a LOT of exposure work inbetween. Which I have been doing.

I never used to be like this! :(

I was with my husband for only 6 months and I lost one of my very close friends, she suffered a terrible accident at work.

Being young and her death so sudden I struggled to deal with it and this was the start of my anxieties.
Health related and a intense fear of death.

As I said, over the 12 years it’s been up and down. I’ve had some really good periods, months, years, of the anxiety not being an issue!

Over the last few days I’ve tried to be positive, I’ve done lots of lovely play things with DD, we’ve been out for our daily walk. DH even came with us.
I’ve done some online baby classes and I’ve really focused on her. I never let myself get anxious around her.

DH and I aren’t going to immediately move out of our home. Especially given the circumstances. It’s better for us to stay where we are until things improve with the pandemic.

I’m trying so hard in the hope that I can take some pressure off of him and he will feel happier being around me and decide to try and save our marriage.

However without him to offload to, I've felt down the past few days.
I have a weight hanging over me.
I feel teary and emotional.
I hate the uncertainty of life right now.

I miss friends and family.

I know we’re all in the same boat, but I’m really struggling to see any light at the end of all of this.

But it’s also forcing me to try self help, instead of just relying on DH.

We are all in the same boat but that doesn’t mean that we can’t say it sucks. It does!
It’s fair to expect support but if you’re constantly offloading on him then eventually he’s going to struggle with that.
Medication doesn’t make me numb. It makes me able to function. It makes me feel like I can cope with life and stops me spiralling.
You don’t HAVE to take medication. And you certainly don’t have to commit to taking it forever. But I think it would be a mistake to rule out ever taking it because of one person you used to know.

I would just say that I have struggled with anxiety all my life.

I take medication and have done for years. I have had therapy and continue to do on and off. But I don't think I'll stop the medication until I stop work.

I view it as a chemical imbalance in my brain just as a diabetic lacks insulin.

I still remember the first time I took an SSRI and the feeling as it kicked - the sky just felt more blue, my thoughts were more clear, I felt more me. It was like a bloody miracle had happened. I still needed a lot of help but I could actually engage with the help.

I wouldn't expect a diabetic to manage without insulin just by pulling themselves together or thinking positive, and neither do I expect myself or another person with a mental health problem to manage without their medication.

Some things you can't just think your way out of. Be kind to yourself

Medication didn’t make me feel numb, I realised I was happy.

Apologies if this has been in the posts, I did read whole thread, but how old is your baby? Can't be more than 4 - 6 weeks?

I really don't want to be that poster who diagnoses on the internet, but please please speak to your GP.

I cried every single day after DD 1 was born, and my lovely GP cleared his schedule every day for 2 weeks, and I arrived and just cried. He reminded me that just because something as normal as having a baby happens frequently, doesn't mean that it isn't a big deal.

Oh Polly your story sounds so similar to me. My anxiety began when a friend of mine died from cancer when we were 15. It just shook my whole world. I'd never known anyone my age to die, and it triggered so many horrible thoughts.

What I can say is medication really does help, and GPs will tell you it's easier to come off antidepressants for anxiety than it is depression. Anxiety is easier to control and develop strategies for, whereas depression is a much deeper problem. I've been on SSRIs for almost 4 years now, and they are such a big help. I hope to come off them one day, and my GP is supportive of that, but if I have to take them forever, at least I know I would have to go back to that dark place I was in. It's just one tablet a day. It's just part of my routine now.

You are not alone, Polly. Please remember that

Baby is 10 weeks old.

I don’t think I have depression. I feel anxious and worried more than I do depressed.

I do have days of feeling down but I know that’s because of the 100’s of things I’m worrying about. I find it utterly exhausting and it in turn, makes me feel down and upset.
I just wish I could switch off my mind sometimes. I wish I could just think more positively and not worry like I do.

I could have 99 positives and 1 negative, and that negative would always win.
It would always take over.

How can I ever change that. Medication?!
Is that always going to be my only answer?!

I keep telling myself if this pandemic wasn’t happening, I would be happy.
I wouldn’t be so anxious. My husband wouldn’t want to leave me.
But it’s not going to end anytime soon.
This is life now. I have to suck it up and deal with it.
So maybe medication is my answer.

I keep saying I would do anything to be better and not be so worried.
I just want to be the best mum I possibly can be.
I honestly am trying right now.
But, I just don’t feel like I want medication for it.
I’m going to have to seriously reconsider this

Have you spoken to your health visitor?

@CaptainBlunderpants

Yes I’ve spoken to HV she’s happy I’m having CBT.