Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

It is extremely challenging being with someone who has very high levels of anxiety. It impacts hugely on your own life and mental health. I do have empathy for both of you. It’s really hard, but the thought of the rest of his life like this is probably too much for him at the moment.

I wonder if you are cutting him out. If it’s not please ignore. But I notice from your post everything is ‘my baby, not our baby. With anxiety, I find I’m so wrapped up in my worries and what ifs no one else gets a look in. He thinks you don’t love him, but not that he doesn’t love you. Please consider meds they may give
You the extra boost you need to get through this time.

I have anxiety and I have found this period incredibly tough. I would make the following recommendations thag have helped me.

1. Turn off your social media and limit conversations about Corona. With anxiety, your mind is constantly on alert for danger and your alarm system is on the go right now.

2)I wouldn't watch the news every day. Limit yourself to once a day or less if you can. It's good to be aware but new media also love to sensationalise bad news. I have noticed that they are neglecting to report the recoveries of covid as much as they are the deaths. In my hospital where I work (this is info they released themselves) they discharged home 250 patients safe and sound to their families after having covid.

3. Keep yourself busy. Give youraelf chores to do or anything you enjoy. I run a small makeup page and I absolutely adore doing my looks for the page. It inspires me to be creative.

4. Make sure you get out for a walk as much as you can. Try and get into nature if you can. Into woodland. Fresh air and hearing the birds and nature has helped so much.

5. Download the headspace app. It is free and does a few bite sized mindfulness exercises. It has helped me so much. No weird music and the voices are very calm and relaxing.

6. ) Listen to meditation online. I personally recommend Rasa lukosiute. She has the most beautiful meditations and a lovely voice. I love the enchanted forest one. Even if you aren't spiritual, the mental imagery and the calmness is amazing.

Lastly be kind to yourself. Soothe yourself with something you enjoy with a treat when you feel down. I promise all of these things will help so much. Good luck and if you need to msg me feel free.

I think the attacks against the DH are unfair, it must be exhausting after 12 years to live and support someone with anxiety especially if it’s been at this level for 3 months.
You need to do something else OP, try meds, speak to your GP.

You need to be really careful not to transfer this on to your DD.

One thing to note, is that if you make a huge effort now, he may wonder why it took him to say he was ending the marriage for you to do this.

Regardless of that, you need the help because it will impact on your child as well. Having a parent with severe anxiety can continue to affect them in later life as well.

I had PPA after my daughters birth last year and I was completely overwhelmed, I now know it started in pregnancy but just put it down to hormones. I couldn’t go out and even going to my mums house would set me into a panic, I was totally out of control.

I had tAlking therapy for 6 weeks and sertraline for 6 months at which point I felt more in control but still anxious, 14 months on I now feel like me again.

Basically postpartum recovery is a long game, there will be no one thing you can do ad your body and minds needs time to adjust to your new life. I actually would suggest whether your husband can be part of your CBT so he understands what a good measure of improvement is.

It sounds like he is overwhelmed but you can’t force your mental health to improve and to be honest the first year after having a baby is sometimes just about getting through it in one peace and reassessing the relationship when the newness has calmed down.

I have suffered from anxiety all my life, though i was in my thirties before I had a name for it. I had CBT after a particularly bad spell where I was signed off sick, medicated etc. One day I had a breakthrough, and I don’t know whether it was the CBT or not that led to it. I sensed an anxious spiral of thoughts coming and just thought ‘l am not fucking doing this today’. I had a strong word with myself and managed to cut off that particular spiral, which made that particular day better. You can’t go your husband to help you work out what thoughts are anxiety right now. So, if you sense a spiral coming, label it as anxiety, but it in a corner of your mind and carry on about your day. You could try worry time? (Didn’t work for me). Have you read The Chimp Paradox? It could really help you. Good luck OP. Anxiety blows.

I really feel for your situation op, but speaking as somebody who lives with an extremely anxious person, I can very much understand your husbands perspective.
I am a single parent to two children, one of which, my 13 year old daughter suffers from anxiety.
I am generally quite optimistic by nature, and tend to believe things will work out ok when it comes to life. My daughter is the complete opposite. Whereas I see a trip to a theme park as an opportunity to chat on the way, enjoy the scenery and have an adventure of a day out, she sees the exact opposite, the potential to crash and die on the journey, and if we make it there, die on a ride due to faulty equipment. I see fun, she sees disasters waiting to happen.
It is utterly exhausting. She does not live a full life, and being her sole carer has took it's toll on me. Some days I sit outside with a cig and wonder how I am expected to live like this for the foreseeable future. Everything is made into an issue, to the point I am usually drained by having to calm her down. Talking it through doesn't help, nothing helps. Sometimes I literally gave to leave the room and go outside for a break after an anxious meltdown. It is no way to live.
I feel terrible for her as she visibly suffers, but my mind is simply not wired the sane way as hers, so we bumble along, some days are better than others. She has had some CBT but states that it doesn't really help.
I don't wish to make you feel bad, only offer an alternative perspective. What I'm trying to say is that we are only human, and humans are not perfect. Some humans rake more patience than others, and some don't have patience in oodles or a personality that can long term live with someone who requires such patience.
I hope things work out for you guys, regardless.

Tiny - I’m so sorry your daughter is suffering.

I’m very much the same. I’m quite a negative thinker so I sympathise with her negative way of thinking.
It’s scary and it’s exhausting.

My husband is the complete opposite to me.
He’s very calm, rational and positive.

I feel this could be why we’ve worked for such a long time as he’s always been a positive influence on me and the calm to my storms.

We have had a good talk and I know he loves and cares for me. He’s as upset as I am about us separating.
But most people on here are right, he’s finding it all too much now and he said he feels like he’s living his life trying to constantly reassure me and watch me destroy myself with my anxiety.

My biggest worry is that my daughter will become anxious like me! I desperately do not want that for her.

I want her to live such a full and happy life and not be scared of things like I am :(

I do desperately want my marriage to work.
I really do hate myself so much for pushing my husband to this point 😢

It sounds as if your partner has reached his limit. Living with someone with anxiety is very difficult. He has seen you struggling, has supported you but covid has likely up the ante to a level he can longer cope with.

Blaming him is wrong. People can leave a relationship for any reason they like. He has suffered in this relationship too.

Perhaps couple counselling could help if he is open to that. Otherwise!, I think it's the case you have to accept it is really over and move towards building a new life for yourself.

I had an ex with anxiety. Over time his mood affected me. I left because I became unhappy. He had no intention of helping himself. I feel for both of you.

Sertraline has been favourably mentioned in several previous posts and I will endorse that. As I understand it, it corrects a chemical imbalance of serotonin in the brain. It's very important to remember this as it's something physical and beyond your control.

Given your symptoms, I am surprised that it has not been prescribed to you by your GP, (though obviously, I have no knowledge of your medical history).

I started with 50mg per day which did nothing, so my GP upped it to 100mg per day. After about ten days, I really felt so much better. My anxiety and depression just went away. So I am convinced that you should at least give it a trial - it may just save your marriage and give you real peace of mind.

You have my sympathy and I so hope everything will come right for you and your DH.

I know you've said youre having CBT, but obviously that isn't working. Have you tried medication?

Living with someone with a mental illness is exhausting and demoralising, i think its very unfair that so many people are coming for your DH. He's not being unreasonable to have reached his limit. The onus is now on you to make meaningful change.

DP is an absolute nightmare when his anxiety is uncontrolled. Won't work, won't leave the house, won't open the curtains, won't speak, won't do anything, won't answer his phone or read text messages, jumps out of his skin if you clink plates together when putting them in the washing up bowl, etc.

He went to a GP who prescribed him Propranolol and (gently) pointed out that if non medicating would work, it would have done the trick by now. Using that instead of antidepressants had the effect of working directly on the physical symptoms, doesn't have paradoxical effects, doesn't sedate and isn't dependent upon prolonged compliance to work/no risk of discontinuation effects as described in relation to antidepressants. It also doesn't affect libido in the same way many antidepressants do (ie, completely destroy it).

He said he still felt anxious, but it took the edge of the physical side and stopped him spiralling/freezing so he could make use of any other techniques.

It is very much worth asking your GP about this.

I started CBT during pregnancy. It was “low level” and only 30 minutes per week not much exposure work in between.

My current CBT is high intensity, 1 hour per week. Lots of exposure work.
It only started 2 weeks ago.

I really do want to get better and it may not sound like it, but I try so hard every day to find positives and not to worry about different things.

Medication can be very helpful for anxiety - try and remember that your mood is hugely impacted by hormones and neurotransmitters in the brain, and if they’re out of whack it can have a massive impact on how you’re feeling. There’s an underlying physiology as well as psychology and you need to take that into account.

Modern antidepressants combined with CBT etc work well together - it’s not either or. It’s like using a combination of diet and drugs to treat diabetes.

No he's failed at being a supportive husband to you at an incredibly difficult and vulnerable time for any new mother, let alone one suffering from anxiety.

Oh please, you just saw man vs woman and spouted the typical one sided lines.

OP it sounds like you both have grown apart and this lockdown has tested and revealed it.
It must be incredibly tough for both of you to deal with your anxiety. It's not fair and right to expect him to live his life that way and he has told you exactly that.
In the same way, you need to focus on getting help and managing your anxiety. If anything for your childs sake. You really dont want them growing up with anxiety too.

Fluoxetine (Prozac) turned me from an anxious mess that was a nightmare to live with to a normal functioning human being. I wish I'd started taking it decades ago. I can't believe how much happier I am and how much easier it's made life for me and my poor DH. Not saying it will work for everyone but it did for me and is worth considering.

I’m on Prozac too. It’s been life changing for me.

I’ve just heard so many stories about antidepressants or anti anxiety medication being addictive, and the thought of always needing to rely on medicating to be happy isn’t a nice thought.

I want to try and get to the route of my anxiety, yes I’m naturally a worrier, and I think that will always be who I am, but what I’m experiencing now is a lot more than just being a worrier.

The thing is, if any of you ever met me in person I could guarantee you wouldn’t know I’m suffering with anxiety.
I can function, I have a full time job (on maternity now)
I love socialising etc.

I guess it’s at the end of the day when the lid comes off I let it pour out and my husband is the one to bear that burden. 😞

I love my baby so much and I’m overwhelmed with this need to protect her, I get so anxious about that.
It’s obviously made so much worse by the pandemic. The uncertainty of life right now.
The fact that we can’t see family or friends or socialise in the way we used to.
I think all of those things definitely helped my mood. 😞

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my adult life. I've had periods of medication, but tbh I feel like a zombie on it. CBT has been great for me as well as having my own centering exercises as well if I feel it coming on. However it has taken a long time to get to this stage and I've had periods where I have struggled and it had had an impact on my relationships. It is a very difficult situation around, I can totally understand where you are but also where your husband is at too. You need to focus on treatment and getting effective coping strategies right now.

The high intensity CBT sounds like a really positive step OP.
Please don’t blame yourself or hate yourself for this as you’ve said - this is so tough for you too but it’s an illness, it’s not your fault. I know it’s easier said than done but try to separate the illness from yourself. It is a part of your life but the illness itself is not you, even if being a worrier is an element of your personality.
Just another mention about the medication side of things, I needed medication before I could really start to engage with and benefit from CBT and I know others have been in the same position. I’ve been on it for >7 years now and couldn’t function without it, my GP has reassured me that some people are like that and that is okay which has been so helpful. I’d really strongly advise recontacting your GP.

I’ve just heard so many stories about antidepressants or anti anxiety medication being addictive, and the thought of always needing to rely on medicating to be happy isn’t a nice thought.

Realistically though, would you rather be medicated, happy and married, or unmedicated, miserable and divorced?

Ive been on and off antidepressants for depression and anxiety for 15 years, and likely will be my whole life. My body doesn't make the right amount of serotonin, so i take medication to help with that. If my body didn't make the right amount of insulin, I'd take medication for that too.

Personally, though therapy was useful, i didn't get anything out of it until the medication sorted out the chemical imbalance. Anxiety and depression have huge physical components - you can't change your biology with "yoga, kale and positive thoughts".

You may not like it, but it sounds like your husband has had enough of the way things are now, so if you want to save your marriage you may have to swallow your principles and make some concrete changes. Medication could make a difference in less than a week.

Also, people don't get addicted to antidepressants (that's not how the drugs work), they just enjoy not being depressed so much that they don't want to stop taking the pills and go back to being miserable. Which seems very reasonable to me.

Have you asked your dh if there any steps he thinks you could try, in order to better improve the situation?

Please don’t add anymore guilt on yourself.
Anxiety is not just WORRY, it’s an illness just like asthma.
People who say, just do it or get a grip. Just
Have not got a clue!!!!!
If only it was that easy, that’s why we have 10’s of thousands of people with it
That just need to GET A GRIP. Ha ha.
What a joke

You’ve just had a baby, do you realise how much affect that has in the change of your hormones? In the mix of that. You’ve got unbroken sleep, tiredness, hormones going haywire, plus anxiety.
No wonder your on high alert!!

You need some you time, starting today
When baby is asleep, get yourself a drink & a mag or book or internet whatever and whilst she’s asleep you SIT there and rest
NO housework.
At nighttime when she’s asleep, take the Moses basket outside the bathroom door if you must and have a nice relaxing bath, clean pj’s come down and sit and watch tv
YOU time.

Next. Ring your midwife, tell her exactly how overwhelmed you are with your anxiety, they have an mh midwife or maybe a clinic
Ask to see them, there very good with women who just had babies.

If you don’t won’t antidepressants, you could take propranolol (which is an anxiety med)

Try not to turn all the guilt on to yourself, before you know it you’ll have depression into the mix.

Anxiety is the pits, I’m in my 60’s and it still bothers me, bearable at times and others heightened. At times I’ve thought I was going mad, like I had no control of these thoughts
Coming and going all day. Terrified I’d lost the plot, truly horrific

My heart goes out to you.