Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

@polly0809 I'm a mum. I'm a social worker. I'm on citalopram.

Your anxiety is like a little monster and it's winning against any logic at the moment.

I really do think you would benefit from speaking to the GP 🙂

@Tiny2018

Just to let you know. CBT for a 13 yr old might be too logical for her. Most therapists wouldn’t recommend CBT to anyone younger than 16. Only due to that fact that it requires massive amounts of logical thinking. Teenagers brains aren’t quite wired well

Your best bet would be a child psychologist. My eldest suffered with separation anxiety when she was about 5. I tried to get it nipped in the bud. I was extremely lucky. I met a lady who was phenomenal. Not just good. She was out of this world. But that was pure luck. It took me about a year to be able to find anyone. I spoke with tons on the phone. (We were also able to go private which is a privilege I know).

My mother was a criminal psychologist and studied CBT. She’s always telling
Me never to use it on a child as it’s just wasted.

@polly0809. You might need get anxious around your child. But your child almost mirrors your worst traits. Even if you don’t show them.

Children are clever. Incredibly clever. They can pick up near on 100% please don’t think she won’t pick up on this. She will. It’s guaranteed.

However. It’s so hard to live with this. But what your doing now isn’t helping. You need to find something else. Just right now. To help you in the short term. Friends of mine is hi polar. She was also always trying to come off her meds. I remember just sitting down with her and saying. So what? So what if you take meds? I have a life threatening condition. I have to take life saving medication 6 times a day and through the night. If I didn’t take the. I would die. Simple. It took me quite a few hospital admissions for me to get it

Sometimes the body doesn’t work. It needs a slight helping hand. Yes it’s crap. Yes it’s shit. But mine happened due to having a baby. So for me it was a case of. Yes my body doesn’t work quite right. Yes I have to take tablets everyday. But look why? My beautiful funny child. Who is the light of my life.

You need to find your reason. Your friend died. Very suddenly. It was w shock. It’s what precipitated all of this. But what’s the reason. It needs to be worked hard on. But with a professional. You need to find the right one. It also probably needs meds. Especially right now.

Be kind to yourself always. Always. Always. Always.

My mum is very anxious, I grew up with many things cut off from us, was often told we were too poor to do things but I was treated like I had a heart condition that meant I couldn’t do stuff other children could. It wasn’t until I moved out I realised how odd my life was. My mum lived with us recently and her anxiety really affected my mental health. The constant firefighting, having to reassure her about every thing all the time, coming up with responses to her worries, she would go away then 5 minutes later be back with another worry about my response. However she refuses to accept there is anything wrong with her. I ended up going to the doctor with depression.
All those people calling her DH selfish, he has dealt with this for 12 years and is exhausted. It’s his life too.

No one will think you are an unfit mother but I agree with a PP your anxiety regarding medication is stopping you potentially accessing the treatment that you need in the short term.

Anxiety is like any illness or disease in the first instance to treat it needs medication - once the initial has died down therapeutic methods should be put into place to deal with it. It sounds like there was a trigger to this so unpicking that and CBT should help. But to get there I do think a short term solution would be medication. But dont be scare to try different ones and say if one doesnt suit you

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

Frankly, your entire stance on this is pretty ableist

That is SO unfair, and SO far from the truth!!!

I’m anxious to take medication!

I will also tell you that my CBT therapist actually told me that medication is always the last thing she recommends.
Therapy and exercise are first!! That’s from a professional and YES she knows my full history.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

You sound like you just want people to tell you that your husband is being a twat, and that you're good to stay as you are without damaging your family. Unfortunately, none of that is the truth.

AGAIN. So far from the truth.
I don’t want anyone to tell me this! My husband isn’t a twat. He’s been incredibly supportive to me over the last 12 years together. I couldn’t have asked for more from him!!

It’s breaks my heart it’s got to this and he can no longer cope with it.

In trying as much as I can go get better.
CBT, mindfulness, self help, relaxation.
I’m even trying yoga!!!!

My only halt is on medication which I’ve been fearful to try.

Please don’t make it out like I am sat accepting my anxiety and doing nothing about it.

I reached out for help! I accepted CBT.
I do the self help techniques.
Just because I’m not yet on medication doesn’t mean I don’t want to get better.

As for those saying “a diabetic takes insulin”

Yes, I know that. But a diabetic can’t very well go for intense therapy to help them can they? Medication is their only help.

I am not saying I WILL NOT take medication, simply that I’m frightened to take them and I’m really hoping this new CBT along will self help will have a big impact on my anxieties.

If it doesn’t then I known there’s extra help there, and medication will be an option.

Therapists always say that. They don't do diagnosis (as I found to my cost) or medication. Therapy and exercise is great if youve got loads of money and it's not too bad. For you, you need the big guns. Besides it's impossible to get anything out of therapy until your brain is working.

And what does your GP say? CBT is most effective alongside medication, this is evidence based.

I'm sorry if i offended you, but throughout this thread youve implied that people (like me) who take antidepressants are addicts, in altered mental states, and unfit parents, so forgive me if i do feel rather insulted by your stance. You posted here for advice, you've recieved an awful lot of people saying the same thing, and you're chosing to ignore it due to your prejudices.

Speak to a doctor, i think you need qualified medical input from someone other than your therapist, who materially benefits from you not taking medication and depending solely on CBT, which already isn't working for you.

OP I'm a huge fan of CBT and work with many, many people that benefit from it greatly, but it's not a question of CBT vs medication. They can both work very well together.

To be honest, your CBT therapist also has a vested interest in saying it would be the last thing they recommend - his or her livelihood depends on the uptake and appreciation of CBT; if people went straight to medication and found that immediately beneficial for their mental health then CBT therapists' income and supply of clients would be dramatically reduced as people would feel it unnecessary.

You can't "yoga and positive thinking" your way out of bad brain chemistry.

And the first port of call for diabetics IS lifestyle changes. And then insulin, when lifestyle changes don't work.

OP it depends actually on the type of diabetes. FIL had type 2 diabetes left to run unchecked for awhile so initially he did need insulin. Then he managed to get it under control with diet and lifestyle changes so no longer takes insulin on a regular basis. He monitors it and if it gets out of control he takes it.

It is actually a very good example of how medication can be used alongside and to supplement other things in order to get a good end result

I'm not sure if I mentioned my new alpha stim, but it's been miraculous for my depression - I took medication for years and it saved my life but 10 years or so on stopped working. So I read about this and bought one. It's a machine you buy online a few hundred quid) and it works. Good science etc, been amazing for sleep too!

I do wish you had a decent GP though. What you aren't getting is that if you take meds you will wake up after about 7 days and in your head will be.... nothing.. except blissful quiet. You will think things like 'oh look it's sunny' 'Gosh is that a flower on that plant?' 'Oh I fancy a nice cup of tea!' ALL YOUR THOUGHTS GOING AROUND AND AROUND WILL BE GONE.

I was you (almost) once. Fish oils, therapy, St. John's wort, denial, didn't want to take pills, wasn't actually depressed etc etc. I lost fucking everything then ended up distraught at my GP who very clearly explained what was going on and gave me prozac. 7 days later the quiet descended. Omg I can not tell you how good it is to be free of the shame and self doubt and fear of literally everything. So you can watch while your husband leaves and you go to new depths of hell - because trust me they do exist and your therapist will watch, as mine did. And they will do nothing. Or you can suck it up and understand that you need the big guns. You need the shit that works. And you need it RIGHT NOW.

I love yoga. It helps. Meditation, can't, etc all good. But NOT if you are in the state you are. It's like taking Bach flower remedies for cancer. There are side effects (sexual ones mostly) but ginkgo biloba made a huge difference to mine, as did Wellbutrin. Of course if you leave it too long it won't matter as you won't be worried about shagging your husband - because you won't have one.

Pretty stark choice isn't it? Carry on doing what you are and watch your life go down the drain or take the pills and feel like you've given in.. except when you are on them you will feel nothing but gratitude that they exist.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

**And what does your GP say? CBT is most effective alongside medication, this is evidence based.

I'm sorry if i offended you, but throughout this thread youve implied that people (like me) who take antidepressants are addicts, in altered mental states, and unfit parents, so forgive me if i do feel rather insulted by your stance. You posted here for advice, you've recieved an awful lot of people saying the same thing, and you're chosing to ignore it due to your prejudices.**

When I contacted my GP she was the one who suggested CBT first. She didn’t recommend medication.

I know I’ve said on my post I’ve suffered for a long time, but maybe I haven’t made clear that it hasn’t been a constant 12 years of anxiety.
It started 12 years ago, and throughout that time I’ve had “relapses”.
But I’ve gone for many years with only being a minor thing and not causing me any really issues.

It’s only since the start of pregnancy, and now with the pandemic that it’s become severe.

I don’t think those things of anyone on medication, at all.
I really don’t have anything against it or people who choose to be on it.

I’ve just simply stated my fears and what I worry medication would mean for ME.
Not anyone else who takes it.

Op you asked "I understand what people are saying. But really, how is medication going to stop me from worrying."
Medication gives me some space from the worry. It's still there, but like I'm a step removed. Pre medication I was regularly waking up in tears, panicking. I still worry and I still need the cbt, but I have mental space now to allow the techniques to work. I'm not magically better, but I'm no longer one wrong step away from collapsing mentally.

Have you contacted your GP since it moved into the severe state. As I said look at it like a type 2 diabetic at the moment you need the insulin to control your blood sugars. Once that is under control it can be stopped and managed with diet and exercise.

When it was a minor thing you were absolutely right not to go onto medication but by your own admission it has changed. Let the medication take you back to where you were and then managed yourself off it.

Being post natal in a pandemic is goign to change things so adapt to that. Allow your marriage to be saved. Time for both as well will be a great healer and allow you to go back to managing it as you were

You don't get it, because you cannot possibly understand how it helps. I have tried to explain it. It stilled my mind, it made day to day life far easier as I wasn't worrying about what might happen tomorrow. I was able to live in the moment.

I did this, combined with therapy and it worked. The medication enabled me to work through my issues as it allowed me to step back a little and work through them with a slightly different mind. I am now 4 months free of mediation and I am no longer anxiously worried about things I cannot control. However, if the anxiety had returned I would go back on them, as the life I had before the medication was a very difficult one.

What it comes down to is simple. Which are you more scared of? Taking medication, or being a divorced single parent with crippling anxiety and a daughter who grows up either equally anxious or massively resentful of you.

Have you looked at the websites

www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

And

nopanic.org.uk/

It might be worth you using their helplines for more support and to discuss the options available rather than going round in circles on here and with your husband.

OP your fear of taking antidepressants is very obvious, I think it would be worthwhile talking around that with someone to try to challenge your assumptions about it. Ironically CBT is the sort of approach that would work on your underlying attitudes and anxieties here, but your present therapist is unlikely to work with you on it!

Your anxiety is making you hold on tightly to the belief that it will be an overall negative thing in your life - so you are 'selectively attending' the information that confirms this to you, and blocking out everything else. This is called confirmation bias and is very common in anxiety.

It's like someone considering taking up exercise, and only paying attention to the 1 in one million chance they could break their leg whilst jogging, whilst ignoring all the evidence for the many benefits exercise can bring. And one day they happen to read that there was a marathon runner somewhere who did break their leg! So they choose not to exercise, because their brain is preoccupied (selectively attending) to the minimal risks, and blocking out the overwhelming evidence for the positives. And the way it works is of course they are right! They don't break their leg by jogging, but they do die 10 years younger than they would have done if they had incorporated exercise in their lives.

This confirmation bias way of thinking is very common in anxiety, as is catastrophising - where you take a minimal risk and blow it up out of all realistic proportion, which sounds like it is something you are also experiencing.

As someone who has taken medication on and off for the past 18 years for anxiety and depression, I have never been addicted to SSRI's. I've usually gone on them for 12-18 months, got my brain chemistry reset and then can be off them for 1, 2 or 3 years, my anxiety and depression may come back (I usually find it comes in waves usually triggered by a large life stressor) I then go on medication to help me get through it and then when I feel like my MH is manageable I come off them with doctors guidance.

CBT and counselling is useful for some people, I never really got a lot out of it, but medication really has helped me, it feels like pulling yourself out from underwater, I've never felt numbed by it either.

You also may have to try a few before you get to find the right fit, I've been on all 3 of the main ones, one did absolutley nothing for me (felt like I was taking a placebo) the others worked much better but you do have to take them for at least a few months before they properly kick in, the feeling of the medication is just like a weight being taken off your chest and a bowling ball being removed from your stomach.

Please give them a chance, I do think the diabetic medication is a good comparrison it is basically just taking a chemical your body is struggling to process yourself.

I'm a HV. Lots of my mums are on anti-depressants, I don't think any less of them. If anything, I think more as they are brave for realising they need help.

You really need to look at all options available to help you and stop worrying what others think.

@suggestionsplease1

I feel like you have summed me up perfectly.
Everything you have written is me and exactly what I do!!!!

Yes, and that's what I am trying to explain... the catastrophising is something I did. Citalopram helped me to live day to day.

Meds don't stop you from worrying, but they change the way you respond and react to that worrying.

At the moment you fix on something and you become concerned, then worried and then really anxious about it. It becomes very dominating and it will affect your daily activities, you'll think about it constantly, you might mention it a lot, you will think about it at night and struggle to sleep.

With meds, you still see the things that cause you concern, but they help to stop those concerns from growing into worries and then full blown anxiety points. The concerns are still there, but the way that you respond has changed. It helps you on a day-to-day basis whilst you are doing therapy and other treatments.

When you reach a stage where you and your therapist and your GP feel that you could start to taper off, then you gradually reduce the dosage over time.

I have been off and on ADs for a number of years. I suffer with depression and generalised anxiety and have done for over 25 years now. At the moment I am not taking any meds, but that's because I tapered off them after completing a course of intensive CBT and simultaneous talking therapy.

I tend to work in cycles - I can have a good few years of being fine, and then I start to dip. I know my mental health well enough now for when I can feel myself starting on a downward spiral and that I need to seek help quickly. The first step is always my GP for meds because they have a restorative effect that allows me time to put in place other help that I need - such as another round of CBT or counselling. Once I know I am in a good place with tools from the therapy, I start to taper off again.

I have the option of staying on a lifelong low dose, which is then increased and decreased as needed, but because I have gaps of years (usually 3-5) where I am fine, and I have a very good insight into my conditions, my GP is happy with me tapering off and re-starting as I need.

Hopefully the above will give you some reassurance around meds. They aren't designed to be a cure-all, but they can be a really effective part of a toolkit.

Being really honest, if things were at the stage where my marriage was on the rocks, I'd be taking the meds to try and even things out in the short-term, to try and save my marriage. Then focus longer term on the therapy and counselling elements, with a view to tapering off the meds once my GP and therapist both felt it was the right time.

I do feel for your H. He sounds like he has reached breaking point. There sounds like an element of dependency on him - you've mentioned both working well together because he's calm and optimistic. In the nicest possible way, it's not a healthy dynamic to rely on someone else's personality traits to try and 'fix' your anxieties. It's a huge burden to place on someone, as it obligates them to talk you down every time you are upset or anxious, and ultimately places them in the position of being responsible for your mental health and wellbeing.